Thanks all for your replies, i'm overwhelmed and all have helped me think about the situation. I will reply back to them but will first update on things since my first post.
I had started to feel a bit better last night. My uncle had mentioned a situation where he would like me to take care of my cousin when he passes and that she was positive about the idea if I was willing. Another Aunty has been really supportive and keeps asking me around. Although I have lost both my Mum and Dad in a short space of time, I couldn't really ask for more from them as surrogate parents.
I've got to a point where I'm not consumed 100% of the time with what has happened. I am thinking of other things, sometimes it is for seconds and then also minutes, then it comes back to hit me. I'm feeling positive about that and thinking to myself, the first week is the worst, then the first month with the funeral, these are the worst periods to deal with.
Today I had some contact with the coroners office. Although they said there was nothing criminal in the case to answer for, which I 100% expected, they felt there may be some contributory negligence from the paramedics report, so they are more than likely going to do a post mortem.
I'm angry, obviously, but understand. A bit of me is feeling quite hostile to the home as i'm starting to feel like there is a cover up in place. A senior carer finally called me 48 hours after the initial incident. I'm worried about how I will feel if I find out my Mum could have had longer and of a good quality.
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Cat27, Izzy, LadyA - thanks for replying and your best wishes.
cragmaid ... thanks and I agree maybe a blessing in one way.
Shedrech ... thanks ... I plan to keep this going as I will find it useful and hope someone down the line that finds themself on their own in a similar situation ... I am pleased that the last memory is positive rather than how she'd been the day before, something to hold on to ... as mentioned above I think theres a cover up and their behaviour is starting to smell a little a little iffy ... I think in one way or another the caring profession is for me, up until that point I had felt quite good about my mums home and had thought down the line for applying there, but not so sure now.
Suzanna1969 ... thanks and I would definitely recommend posting here when you do go through the unfortunate as it has helped me unload a lot of what I wanted to say. One thing I used to think very often to myself is one day they will be gone and to enjoy the most of things. I have found a lot of videos and photos of my Mum that I will keep forever. I'm looking at them lots at the mo, sometimes I feel sad, sometimes I feel positive and think how lucky that I get to see my mums expressions and mannerisms forever. So part of her hasn't died.
Lemonjuice ... thanks and your post brought it back to me how lucky I am in a way. As a person I always say if someone could offer me a contract where I get to live into my 70's or 80's and go quickly, I'd sign on the dotted line.
PeggySmith ... thanks and sorry to hear of your loss so soon after Christmas. What you say about the staff is true, I think someone may have made a genuine mistake but there may be a cover up, but we will see. But yes a lot of upset carers on the day itself. I myself have been upset at hearing of the passing of others in the care home who i'd only met a handful of times, but they were such characters they leave a mark on you.
Thanks Harrys Daughter
Carper8, so sorry for your loss, especially at this time of year. How are you feeling nearly a month on?
nearly a month on and i am begin ning to realize i am on my own, the funeral has gone now and the children have goneback to there own lives, they live quite away from me. at the moment it is feeling very bleak, especially in the mornings. i will go into town this morning and try and keep busy, and maybe just take a day at a time.