My mum passed away on Saturday evening

jimbosmith

Registered User
May 10, 2013
77
0
Been a hard night.

I have cried so much, sometimes uncontrollably. My dog is looking at me concerned. I try and reassure her but she can sense something is up.

Been looking at lots of pics and videos that I have taken of my Mum. I'm trying to tell myself although I have lost her in one way, I will always have her in another.
 

carper8

Registered User
Feb 26, 2014
38
0
lincolnshire
Thanks all for your replies, i'm overwhelmed and all have helped me think about the situation. I will reply back to them but will first update on things since my first post.

I had started to feel a bit better last night. My uncle had mentioned a situation where he would like me to take care of my cousin when he passes and that she was positive about the idea if I was willing. Another Aunty has been really supportive and keeps asking me around. Although I have lost both my Mum and Dad in a short space of time, I couldn't really ask for more from them as surrogate parents.

I've got to a point where I'm not consumed 100% of the time with what has happened. I am thinking of other things, sometimes it is for seconds and then also minutes, then it comes back to hit me. I'm feeling positive about that and thinking to myself, the first week is the worst, then the first month with the funeral, these are the worst periods to deal with.

Today I had some contact with the coroners office. Although they said there was nothing criminal in the case to answer for, which I 100% expected, they felt there may be some contributory negligence from the paramedics report, so they are more than likely going to do a post mortem.

I'm angry, obviously, but understand. A bit of me is feeling quite hostile to the home as i'm starting to feel like there is a cover up in place. A senior carer finally called me 48 hours after the initial incident. I'm worried about how I will feel if I find out my Mum could have had longer and of a good quality.

....

Cat27, Izzy, LadyA - thanks for replying and your best wishes.

cragmaid ... thanks and I agree maybe a blessing in one way.

Shedrech ... thanks ... I plan to keep this going as I will find it useful and hope someone down the line that finds themself on their own in a similar situation ... I am pleased that the last memory is positive rather than how she'd been the day before, something to hold on to ... as mentioned above I think theres a cover up and their behaviour is starting to smell a little a little iffy ... I think in one way or another the caring profession is for me, up until that point I had felt quite good about my mums home and had thought down the line for applying there, but not so sure now.

Suzanna1969 ... thanks and I would definitely recommend posting here when you do go through the unfortunate as it has helped me unload a lot of what I wanted to say. One thing I used to think very often to myself is one day they will be gone and to enjoy the most of things. I have found a lot of videos and photos of my Mum that I will keep forever. I'm looking at them lots at the mo, sometimes I feel sad, sometimes I feel positive and think how lucky that I get to see my mums expressions and mannerisms forever. So part of her hasn't died.

Lemonjuice ... thanks and your post brought it back to me how lucky I am in a way. As a person I always say if someone could offer me a contract where I get to live into my 70's or 80's and go quickly, I'd sign on the dotted line.

PeggySmith ... thanks and sorry to hear of your loss so soon after Christmas. What you say about the staff is true, I think someone may have made a genuine mistake but there may be a cover up, but we will see. But yes a lot of upset carers on the day itself. I myself have been upset at hearing of the passing of others in the care home who i'd only met a handful of times, but they were such characters they leave a mark on you.

Thanks Harrys Daughter

Carper8, so sorry for your loss, especially at this time of year. How are you feeling nearly a month on?

nearly a month on and i am begin ning to realize i am on my own, the funeral has gone now and the children have goneback to there own lives, they live quite away from me. at the moment it is feeling very bleak, especially in the mornings. i will go into town this morning and try and keep busy, and maybe
 

carper8

Registered User
Feb 26, 2014
38
0
lincolnshire
Thanks all for your replies, i'm overwhelmed and all have helped me think about the situation. I will reply back to them but will first update on things since my first post.

I had started to feel a bit better last night. My uncle had mentioned a situation where he would like me to take care of my cousin when he passes and that she was positive about the idea if I was willing. Another Aunty has been really supportive and keeps asking me around. Although I have lost both my Mum and Dad in a short space of time, I couldn't really ask for more from them as surrogate parents.

I've got to a point where I'm not consumed 100% of the time with what has happened. I am thinking of other things, sometimes it is for seconds and then also minutes, then it comes back to hit me. I'm feeling positive about that and thinking to myself, the first week is the worst, then the first month with the funeral, these are the worst periods to deal with.

Today I had some contact with the coroners office. Although they said there was nothing criminal in the case to answer for, which I 100% expected, they felt there may be some contributory negligence from the paramedics report, so they are more than likely going to do a post mortem.

I'm angry, obviously, but understand. A bit of me is feeling quite hostile to the home as i'm starting to feel like there is a cover up in place. A senior carer finally called me 48 hours after the initial incident. I'm worried about how I will feel if I find out my Mum could have had longer and of a good quality.

....

Cat27, Izzy, LadyA - thanks for replying and your best wishes.

cragmaid ... thanks and I agree maybe a blessing in one way.

Shedrech ... thanks ... I plan to keep this going as I will find it useful and hope someone down the line that finds themself on their own in a similar situation ... I am pleased that the last memory is positive rather than how she'd been the day before, something to hold on to ... as mentioned above I think theres a cover up and their behaviour is starting to smell a little a little iffy ... I think in one way or another the caring profession is for me, up until that point I had felt quite good about my mums home and had thought down the line for applying there, but not so sure now.

Suzanna1969 ... thanks and I would definitely recommend posting here when you do go through the unfortunate as it has helped me unload a lot of what I wanted to say. One thing I used to think very often to myself is one day they will be gone and to enjoy the most of things. I have found a lot of videos and photos of my Mum that I will keep forever. I'm looking at them lots at the mo, sometimes I feel sad, sometimes I feel positive and think how lucky that I get to see my mums expressions and mannerisms forever. So part of her hasn't died.

Lemonjuice ... thanks and your post brought it back to me how lucky I am in a way. As a person I always say if someone could offer me a contract where I get to live into my 70's or 80's and go quickly, I'd sign on the dotted line.

PeggySmith ... thanks and sorry to hear of your loss so soon after Christmas. What you say about the staff is true, I think someone may have made a genuine mistake but there may be a cover up, but we will see. But yes a lot of upset carers on the day itself. I myself have been upset at hearing of the passing of others in the care home who i'd only met a handful of times, but they were such characters they leave a mark on you.

Thanks Harrys Daughter

Carper8, so sorry for your loss, especially at this time of year. How are you feeling nearly a month on?

nearly a month on and i am begin ning to realize i am on my own, the funeral has gone now and the children have goneback to there own lives, they live quite away from me. at the moment it is feeling very bleak, especially in the mornings. i will go into town this morning and try and keep busy, and maybe just take a day at a time.
 

Pickles53

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
2,474
0
Radcliffe on Trent
So very sad for you, but I think you are right to be relieved that your mum died peacefully. Mu mum died quite unexpectedly (to me anyway) but I couldn't have wished for her to stay any longer as she was.
 

jimbosmith

Registered User
May 10, 2013
77
0
nearly a month on and i am begin ning to realize i am on my own, the funeral has gone now and the children have goneback to there own lives, they live quite away from me. at the moment it is feeling very bleak, especially in the mornings. i will go into town this morning and try and keep busy, and maybe just take a day at a time.

Sorry to hear Carper

How you been since today?

I know it's not the same as face to face contact but do you use the likes of Skype and Whatsapp?

I'm lucky that I have a dog that has been great comfort but I would be lost without her. She also drags me out for a walk, even if i'm not really feeling up for it.
 

jimbosmith

Registered User
May 10, 2013
77
0
So very sad for you, but I think you are right to be relieved that your mum died peacefully. Mu mum died quite unexpectedly (to me anyway) but I couldn't have wished for her to stay any longer as she was.

I am fortunate in that sense.

With my mum, she was extremely hard work, particularly between 2012 and 2015. But her last few years have been more peaceful and loving. She would often tell me, and others at her care home, that she loved them. She would always hold my hand.

I may have even got on better with my mum during this period than at any point in the past, even prior to dementia.

I have been looking through the videos and pics that I have taken in the last month. There's so many of me telling her I loved her and holding hands. There's only the one where she says 'I love you' but I was finishing the clip so it's only half there, but she had a familiar expression before she said it, and that is there, and in a way that maybe makes it better for me.

Today has been a good day and it's been 24 hours since an unbearable cry. I have had watery eyes and a shaky bottom lip looking through the videos and thinking of her but I have been positive, thinking that I will always have these moments with her on screen. Whilst not the same as having her here, they are a comfort to me.
 

jimbosmith

Registered User
May 10, 2013
77
0
So sorry Jimbo, for your sad loss. You're a wonderful son, and you will continue to do the right thing.

Thanks Anne much appreciated


....


Today has been weird but i'm through it. My sleep pattern is all over the place. I went to bed at 10am and got up at 6pm, bar a call from the coroners office. The lady there told me that as the Dr, despite seeing her only 2 days prior, didn't want to give a cause for death, that my Mum would have to have a post mortem.

She's not far from my thoughts as to be expected. This not knowing how she did is causing me problems. Part of me is angry that the care home might have been at fault, part of me says it was just her time.

We had lived in the family home since I was 6 months old. Part of me wonders if I will stay here or move. It's not something for the near future as I appreciate I may make a rash decision. I was just wondering what others had done in a similar situation?
 

Jinx

Registered User
Mar 13, 2014
2,333
0
Pontypool
Jimbo just caught up with your thread and wanted to offer my condolences. My husband died after contracting one UTI after another, I am sure that contributed to his rapid decline. I'm sorry the coroner has had to get involved and hope it won't be too long before you can lay your Mum to rest.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
 

carper8

Registered User
Feb 26, 2014
38
0
lincolnshire
Sorry to hear Carper

How you been since today?

I know it's not the same as face to face contact but do you use the likes of Skype and Whatsapp?

I'm lucky that I have a dog that has been great comfort but I would be lost without her. She also drags me out for a walk, even if i'm not really feeling up for it.

hi jimbosmith
the day started bad, i had a bad night couldnt sleep, but the sun was shining and i managed a walk into town and had a chat with a few people. i do use skype which i find is good.
i hope the weather was good today for you and you had a walk with your dog
 

webby123

Registered User
Mar 14, 2016
181
0
Thanks all for your replies, i'm overwhelmed and all have helped me think about the situation. I will reply back to them but will first update on things since my first post.

I had started to feel a bit better last night. My uncle had mentioned a situation where he would like me to take care of my cousin when he passes and that she was positive about the idea if I was willing. Another Aunty has been really supportive and keeps asking me around. Although I have lost both my Mum and Dad in a short space of time, I couldn't really ask for more from them as surrogate parents.

I've got to a point where I'm not consumed 100% of the time with what has happened. I am thinking of other things, sometimes it is for seconds and then also minutes, then it comes back to hit me. I'm feeling positive about that and thinking to myself, the first week is the worst, then the first month with the funeral, these are the worst periods to deal with.

Today I had some contact with the coroners office. Although they said there was nothing criminal in the case to answer for, which I 100% expected, they felt there may be some contributory negligence from the paramedics report, so they are more than likely going to do a post mortem.

I'm angry, obviously, but understand. A bit of me is feeling quite hostile to the home as i'm starting to feel like there is a cover up in place. A senior carer finally called me 48 hours after the initial incident. I'm worried about how I will feel if I find out my Mum could have had longer and of a good quality.

....

Cat27, Izzy, LadyA - thanks for replying and your best wishes.

cragmaid ... thanks and I agree maybe a blessing in one way.

Shedrech ... thanks ... I plan to keep this going as I will find it useful and hope someone down the line that finds themself on their own in a similar situation ... I am pleased that the last memory is positive rather than how she'd been the day before, something to hold on to ... as mentioned above I think theres a cover up and their behaviour is starting to smell a little a little iffy ... I think in one way or another the caring profession is for me, up until that point I had felt quite good about my mums home and had thought down the line for applying there, but not so sure now.

Suzanna1969 ... thanks and I would definitely recommend posting here when you do go through the unfortunate as it has helped me unload a lot of what I wanted to say. One thing I used to think very often to myself is one day they will be gone and to enjoy the most of things. I have found a lot of videos and photos of my Mum that I will keep forever. I'm looking at them lots at the mo, sometimes I feel sad, sometimes I feel positive and think how lucky that I get to see my mums expressions and mannerisms forever. So part of her hasn't died.

Lemonjuice ... thanks and your post brought it back to me how lucky I am in a way. As a person I always say if someone could offer me a contract where I get to live into my 70's or 80's and go quickly, I'd sign on the dotted line.

PeggySmith ... thanks and sorry to hear of your loss so soon after Christmas. What you say about the staff is true, I think someone may have made a genuine mistake but there may be a cover up, but we will see. But yes a lot of upset carers on the day itself. I myself have been upset at hearing of the passing of others in the care home who i'd only met a handful of times, but they were such characters they leave a mark on you.

Thanks Harrys Daughter

Carper8, so sorry for your loss, especially at this time of year. How are you feeling nearly a month on?

nearly a month on and i am begin ning to realize i am on my own, the funeral has gone now and the children have goneback to there own lives, they live quite away from me. at the moment it is feeling very bleak, especially in the mornings. i will go into town this morning and try and keep busy, and maybe just take a day at a time.

hi carper just red this post it is dificult when you are on your own,my mum passed away in march leaving me on my own although i have a brother and family lives near by i dont see a lot of them and most of the time like you am on my own,i try the same when i was caring for mum give myself something to look forward to once a month,plus i did something positive i have quite a big record collection collecting dust so i decided to sell it on ebay it keeps me busy at night i find this the worst,its so quiet here without mum,im lucky i work so it keeps me busy in the daytime,i think the secret is keeping busy
 

webby123

Registered User
Mar 14, 2016
181
0
Thanks Anne much appreciated


....


Today has been weird but i'm through it. My sleep pattern is all over the place. I went to bed at 10am and got up at 6pm, bar a call from the coroners office. The lady there told me that as the Dr, despite seeing her only 2 days prior, didn't want to give a cause for death, that my Mum would have to have a post mortem.

She's not far from my thoughts as to be expected. This not knowing how she did is causing me problems. Part of me is angry that the care home might have been at fault, part of me says it was just her time.

We had lived in the family home since I was 6 months old. Part of me wonders if I will stay here or move. It's not something for the near future as I appreciate I may make a rash decision. I was just wondering what others had done in a similar situation?
i have been in my house since i was 10 ,like you i wonder wether to move or not,my dartmoor roots keep calling me but would i miss the house after i have sold it ,i would say dont make any rash desisions i have given myself 2 years here,the third year i proberly want be here much if plans work out so then i can see how i feel ,my tears come every day 10 months on i still miss her dreadfully ,people i have talked to about it who have lost there parents say you never stop thinking of them although it gets easier,hope it helps