Hi all,
My Mum passed away aged 72 on Saturday evening.
She had Alzheimer's for almost 15 years from it's first signs, so, I like to think she did well considering.
Mum lived with myself and my Dad up until September of last year and only went in to full time care when my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was her full time carer, bar her day care and occasional respite, but the McMillan nurses recommended that while my Dad was ill my Mum should go in to temporary care.
Unfortunately my Dad passed away in October, albeit from pneumonia, which made it a quick passing for him, which in a way was kind of a relief as that is what he would have wanted.
My plan was to have a little respite and look at getting my Mum out of her care home and have carers come in and help.
Unfortunately, my mum contracted a number of UTI's over this period and put on a huge amount of weight in those short months. She has always had a huge appetite and her home is full of cakes and biscuits. A lot of her weight was on her ankles and feet, which I had heard to be a sign of heart failure. The GP had tried to reassure me that this was just the way the weight was distributed but I was not convinced.
This last week she had been extremely sleepy and on Friday was fully asleep during the day. UTI's can do this, especially for my Mum, so while I was concerned I thought I may be a little paranoid.
I rang the home on Friday night to see how she was doing and she was up in her chair. The senior on shift had said that she hadn't had any of the meds for her uti as they had to be picked up from a neighbouring town and may not get to start the dose until Monday. On hearing this I suggested I would go and pick the meds up personally myself on Saturday so she could start them. Half an hour later I got a call back and was told she had in fact started her meds and that there was a mix up with someone else. She had seen the GP at 9:30am on the Thursday morning, which I had attended myself.
On Saturday I decided to go down at 2pm. I walk into the home and my mum is in her chair, looking the best she has done in about a month. She has a limited memory of the past which I could tap into as being in her company for such a long period of time, she'd talk to me about this stuff as if it was the present. She was able to remember my name. Told me I was beautiful and handsome, which is something she always did.
I went home at 4pm and thought to myself 'what a fool!, it really was her uti's etc'.
At 7:45 I had a call from the home telling me to get there right away and that a paramedic had been called.
I arrived at 8pm and the ambulance was outside. I walked in and was ushered to the office where I was told my mum had already passed. I was gutted as anyone would be, but also that I wasn't there by her side as I had been for the last 10 years where I had been her FT carer (this is the first point in writing this that I have cried!).
I was told that it was quick and that she'd either had a seizure or a heart attack while she was being put in to bed. My mum had a history of seizures after trying an anti-psycotic med 2.5 years ago.
I was introduced to the paramedics and was able to go and see my mum. She looked very peaceful and in that sense it was a relief. I had always put her to bed while back at home and would lay next to her for a few hours on my tablet, and it reminded me of those moments as she would often lay on her back with her head turned to me.
The head honcho of the care home was called into work. Is this standard procedure? It was Saturday night so would have been at home. She came in to talk to me and they obviously have a routine for these situations.
On my way back I went to see the paramedic who wanted to confirm my details. My biggest concern is a post mortem as my Mum would have hated this idea. The paramedic told me that he had concerns that nobody performed CPR and that the nurse who came to see my mum was very flippant 'well, by the time I'd got here, she was already dead'.
He told me that he would raise this concern with the police and the coroner, and that was his job and it didn't matter what I or the workers at the home had to say. I did say to him that I respect his position but also that I would rather my Mum remain untouched and that if it was her time, let it be, and if there was some negligence on the part of the home, they learn from it, as none of this would be of use to my Mum.
As I walked out of the room, the head honcho walked over to me, almost like she had been listening in, as the door had been open. 'What did they say?' she whispered to me. I bluffed her at this stage as I didn't want a scene and just that they wanted my phone number etc.
A few minutes later I was out in the car park and on my way home to tell the rest of the family.
At 7:30pm I was eating my dinner enjoying TV, by 8:30 I was back home from all of that ... well ...
2 days have gone past and I've not heard a word from the care home or the Police or anybody else who has that number. OK, today is the only 'working day', but still ...
Anyway, I decided to call the local funeral director as I had not long buried my dad and knew they had a lot of information. They did some ringing around and found out that my mum was in our local hospital under the Coroner. They hadn't been notified that they would be my Mums funeral directors etc.
I will ring the hospital tomorrow so that I can get the paperwork moving so that I can register the death at the town hall.
In a way it is still a shock and in some ways not. In some ways i'm all over the place and in other ways I feel fully grounded and able to deal with it. I didn't really cry on the Saturday but last night where I had a huge sobbing fit.
I know there are various stages of grief. The 'coulda woulda shoulda' element is going through my head. Should I have got her home earlier after my dad passed? What if the home has been negligent in her care? What if they had bluffed me on her meds and she hadn't taken any of it?
I didn't actually tell the paramedic any of this as I was in a state of shock. Should I tell the coroner? It doesn't look like she will avoid the post mortem anyway so I'm now thinking that I will. Part of me typing this feels bitter, part is thinking 'well, none of this will bring her back', so what's the point?
Being carers yourselves, you will understand how it becomes your main reason for being in life, that has now wiped away and there is that huge emptiness. Not only losing a parent, but your life purpose. I do feel down, but this could be the initial shock rather than the start of a depressive illness.
Financially I'm not in too much of a worrying place, but I gave up my career to look after my Mum. I have no regrets doing that and would go back to my younger self and recommend that it will be the best thing you ever do. I had been considering working as a carer in the future, but now with what has happened at the care home, it has kind of put me off.
I have been reading a lot of posts in this section which has helped, especially yesterday. I wanted to contribute but also to see if anybody has any experience in a situation like this with a care home and a coroner. Obviously, I also just wanted to pour out a lot of what I had been experiencing as well.
Thanks for taking the time to read this post
Jimbo
My Mum passed away aged 72 on Saturday evening.
She had Alzheimer's for almost 15 years from it's first signs, so, I like to think she did well considering.
Mum lived with myself and my Dad up until September of last year and only went in to full time care when my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was her full time carer, bar her day care and occasional respite, but the McMillan nurses recommended that while my Dad was ill my Mum should go in to temporary care.
Unfortunately my Dad passed away in October, albeit from pneumonia, which made it a quick passing for him, which in a way was kind of a relief as that is what he would have wanted.
My plan was to have a little respite and look at getting my Mum out of her care home and have carers come in and help.
Unfortunately, my mum contracted a number of UTI's over this period and put on a huge amount of weight in those short months. She has always had a huge appetite and her home is full of cakes and biscuits. A lot of her weight was on her ankles and feet, which I had heard to be a sign of heart failure. The GP had tried to reassure me that this was just the way the weight was distributed but I was not convinced.
This last week she had been extremely sleepy and on Friday was fully asleep during the day. UTI's can do this, especially for my Mum, so while I was concerned I thought I may be a little paranoid.
I rang the home on Friday night to see how she was doing and she was up in her chair. The senior on shift had said that she hadn't had any of the meds for her uti as they had to be picked up from a neighbouring town and may not get to start the dose until Monday. On hearing this I suggested I would go and pick the meds up personally myself on Saturday so she could start them. Half an hour later I got a call back and was told she had in fact started her meds and that there was a mix up with someone else. She had seen the GP at 9:30am on the Thursday morning, which I had attended myself.
On Saturday I decided to go down at 2pm. I walk into the home and my mum is in her chair, looking the best she has done in about a month. She has a limited memory of the past which I could tap into as being in her company for such a long period of time, she'd talk to me about this stuff as if it was the present. She was able to remember my name. Told me I was beautiful and handsome, which is something she always did.
I went home at 4pm and thought to myself 'what a fool!, it really was her uti's etc'.
At 7:45 I had a call from the home telling me to get there right away and that a paramedic had been called.
I arrived at 8pm and the ambulance was outside. I walked in and was ushered to the office where I was told my mum had already passed. I was gutted as anyone would be, but also that I wasn't there by her side as I had been for the last 10 years where I had been her FT carer (this is the first point in writing this that I have cried!).
I was told that it was quick and that she'd either had a seizure or a heart attack while she was being put in to bed. My mum had a history of seizures after trying an anti-psycotic med 2.5 years ago.
I was introduced to the paramedics and was able to go and see my mum. She looked very peaceful and in that sense it was a relief. I had always put her to bed while back at home and would lay next to her for a few hours on my tablet, and it reminded me of those moments as she would often lay on her back with her head turned to me.
The head honcho of the care home was called into work. Is this standard procedure? It was Saturday night so would have been at home. She came in to talk to me and they obviously have a routine for these situations.
On my way back I went to see the paramedic who wanted to confirm my details. My biggest concern is a post mortem as my Mum would have hated this idea. The paramedic told me that he had concerns that nobody performed CPR and that the nurse who came to see my mum was very flippant 'well, by the time I'd got here, she was already dead'.
He told me that he would raise this concern with the police and the coroner, and that was his job and it didn't matter what I or the workers at the home had to say. I did say to him that I respect his position but also that I would rather my Mum remain untouched and that if it was her time, let it be, and if there was some negligence on the part of the home, they learn from it, as none of this would be of use to my Mum.
As I walked out of the room, the head honcho walked over to me, almost like she had been listening in, as the door had been open. 'What did they say?' she whispered to me. I bluffed her at this stage as I didn't want a scene and just that they wanted my phone number etc.
A few minutes later I was out in the car park and on my way home to tell the rest of the family.
At 7:30pm I was eating my dinner enjoying TV, by 8:30 I was back home from all of that ... well ...
2 days have gone past and I've not heard a word from the care home or the Police or anybody else who has that number. OK, today is the only 'working day', but still ...
Anyway, I decided to call the local funeral director as I had not long buried my dad and knew they had a lot of information. They did some ringing around and found out that my mum was in our local hospital under the Coroner. They hadn't been notified that they would be my Mums funeral directors etc.
I will ring the hospital tomorrow so that I can get the paperwork moving so that I can register the death at the town hall.
In a way it is still a shock and in some ways not. In some ways i'm all over the place and in other ways I feel fully grounded and able to deal with it. I didn't really cry on the Saturday but last night where I had a huge sobbing fit.
I know there are various stages of grief. The 'coulda woulda shoulda' element is going through my head. Should I have got her home earlier after my dad passed? What if the home has been negligent in her care? What if they had bluffed me on her meds and she hadn't taken any of it?
I didn't actually tell the paramedic any of this as I was in a state of shock. Should I tell the coroner? It doesn't look like she will avoid the post mortem anyway so I'm now thinking that I will. Part of me typing this feels bitter, part is thinking 'well, none of this will bring her back', so what's the point?
Being carers yourselves, you will understand how it becomes your main reason for being in life, that has now wiped away and there is that huge emptiness. Not only losing a parent, but your life purpose. I do feel down, but this could be the initial shock rather than the start of a depressive illness.
Financially I'm not in too much of a worrying place, but I gave up my career to look after my Mum. I have no regrets doing that and would go back to my younger self and recommend that it will be the best thing you ever do. I had been considering working as a carer in the future, but now with what has happened at the care home, it has kind of put me off.
I have been reading a lot of posts in this section which has helped, especially yesterday. I wanted to contribute but also to see if anybody has any experience in a situation like this with a care home and a coroner. Obviously, I also just wanted to pour out a lot of what I had been experiencing as well.
Thanks for taking the time to read this post
Jimbo
