My wife hates me, and being with me

sheilapeter

Registered User
Jan 14, 2017
7
0
My wife was diagnosed with Alzheimers last year and up until quite recently we have been managing reasonably well.
About 3 weeks ago she began to get more and more confused and believes she does not live here and that I am not her husband.
She has started believing that she is being held here against her will and keeps saying that she wants to go home.
We have lived in this house for 7 years and have been in Cornwall for over 20 years but she believes that she lives in London where she was brought up.
For the last few days she has been saying that she wants to phone her mother and her brother to come and get her. They both died over 20 years ago.

We have been to the doctors several times over the last couple of weeks and they at first suspected a urinary infection and prescribed antibiotics and changed to a different sort when they were not working.
Last Thursday she phoned 999 and told the police that she was being held here.
A very nice PC came and could see that she was totally confused and said he would make a report to the doctors and Social services.
I had a call from Social services on Friday and they were very sympathetic and said that I,as her carer needed support and that they would treat it as urgent but not until after the weekend.
It is now Saturday and I have had another dreadful day.

She is 83 and not very mobile but she keeps getting ready to go out. She want to go home, go to her mothers, go to the Police etc.
I know that you shouldn't deliberately contradict what they say but I just don't know how to handle this situation. I can't pretend people who are dead are alive.
She has become very aggressive to me and that is what I find hardest to deal with.
She says she hates me, and I believe that in her condition she genuinely does.
If she had a physical illness I would look after her until my dying day, but I just don't know how to cope with this. Sorry for the long post but I am at my wits end.
 

mary2000

Registered User
Mar 24, 2016
355
0
West Sussex
I am so sorry you are going through this it must be so hard to cope with. I am just at the beginning of my journey with my husband so can't give you any sound advice but I am sure someone will be along shortly that can. I just wanted you to know that there are wonderful people on here who will give such good advice and support so hang on in there.

Thinking of you.
 

lesley1958

Registered User
Mar 24, 2015
107
0
Bristol
I'm so sorry. This is awful. I wish there were sure solutions but as experience with my dad has taught me, there aren't.

Can you try the "we'll go tomorrow, I'll take you tomorrow" ploy? This sometimes worked with my dad. My mum used to say that she could not tell him his parents were alive when he asked about them but she has learnt now to just say "I haven;t seen them today" which he seems to accept. Telling him they were dead just upset him more.

Sometimes paracetemol seems to help a bit to calm agitation - would your wife be able to take a couple of paracetemol?

Dad went through a phase of telling mum she needed to go- because he didn't think he was married - he thought he was about 20. Mum used to say she was a friend and was there to look after him and keep him company.

Your wife doesn't hate you. Truly. She hates the confusion and fear in her head but she can't strike out at that. So she strikes out at you. I know that is not much comfort.

I'm thinking of you and wishing you strength

Lesley
 

AlsoConfused

Registered User
Sep 17, 2010
1,952
0
It's a hellish situation, Peter - no wonder you're at your wits end. The early stages of this horrid disease strike me as often being even more distressing and difficult than the later stages; that might be your experience too.

I know that you shouldn't deliberately contradict what they say but I just don't know how to handle this situation. I can't pretend people who are dead are alive.

This is a quandary for everyone who cares a lot about the truth, reality and not telling lies. To make life better for yourself and your wife, though, you will have to learn how to dodge the issue, to leave your wife with her comforting beliefs and to avoid distressing her with information she doesn't understand and can't handle.

If someone told you that your much loved relative had been dead for a long time when you knew you'd visited them last week or had just finished speaking to them on the 'phone, how would that "unkind", "lying" message make you feel about the person who'd said these things? It wouldn't help you feel more comfortable with them, would it? It wouldn't make you feel "safe" in your world?

I think kindness matters most, objective reality matters little, during conversations with people suffering from dementia.
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,723
0
Suffolk
Plus logic goes early on, so you're u can't say things like, do you expect your parents to be alive at your age? Because she is utterly convinced that she's a young woman, so where's her mum? Nothing you, or anybody else, says will convince her. So use 'love lies' like, oh we will go tomorrow, or, she's on holiday at the moment, we will see her when she's back. Would you like a cup of tea?
A distraction like tea often works and it takes their mind away from mum. You will find that going home often doesn't mean a physical place, but more a mental place where they are safe and comfortable.
And if it comes to it, make sure SS, or even the doctor, if they get involved, understand that! Some of them seem to have no idea!
Good luck, hope you have a better day tomorrow!
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hello sheilapeter
a warm welcome to TP
many of us here become pretty good at acting and improvising and using 'love lies' = those little fibs or smudges of the truth that keep our loved one settled, or at least don't increase their anxiety
maybe your wife's parents used to go on a holiday, or off to town shopping, or worked late ... something that you could offer her as a reason you're with her while they are out of the house but allow her to believe they will be back at some point
if she wants to call the police, say that's not a bad idea, if they're not back in an hour or so we'll do that, but as they're just a bit late now, how about having a cuppa and a biscuit while we wait together (my dad loves chocolate biscuits - and he can't talk while he's wolfing them down)
I appreciate it's not easy to break a lifetime's habit of being honest; it's only like telling white lies to not hurt someone's feelings
maybe have a look at this thread about compassionate communication - it helped me begin to understand how things are for my dad and how to approach him a bit more effectively, though as with anything, it doesn't always work and sometimes is just too much to ask of ourselves
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?30801-Compassionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
your wife doesn't hate you; she's lashing out at you in the way toddlers and teenagers do; they haven't the understanding to know how to deal with their own emotions so take it out on the ones closest to them; it's a back-handed compliment that, sadly, all too often just feels like a back hander!
I'm glad the police were helpful and that SS have already contacted you - accept every bit of support you can for both your sake's
and post again to let us know how it all goes
best wishes
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
0
Cotswolds
People are so right when they say your wife doesn't hate you....she just thinks she does in her frightened confusion.

When my husband believed he was being held here and I was part of the conspiracy, sometimes it helped if I took him out in the car. Not easy in winter when it's so cold, but we would visit a garden centre or similar, and it would be a distraction. Oddly, once we were in the car he didn't seem to think he was a prisoner; we were just out in the car together.

Believing people were still alive when they weren't was always hard, but the truth would have been upsetting for him, so some ' story telling' became routine. They were on holiday, or at work, or visiting friends, or shopping, everything was possible.

To me, it seemed important that he trusted me, so when he thought he was a prisoner I would let him think that we both were prisoners, so that we could solve the problem together. Once trust was restored, he would accept what I told him.

So sorry you're going through this, it's a horrible part of this disease.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,450
0
Kent
Hello sheilapeter

I don`t know if it will help you to know all the behaviours you are struggling with, with your wife, are common symptoms in many people with dementia, but they really are.

There were times when my husband went searching for his `real` wife and his `real` family , when he bought train tickets to take him `home` and when he accused me of taking away his independence .

He also told me he couldn`t share a bedroom because he was a married man.

Fortunately these behaviours were not permanent, they happened mainly during late afternoon/early evening and are known as sundowning, a time of extreme confusion . The rest of the time was relatively calm although I couldn`t rely on anything.

Might this be the situation with your wife? Do you think she suffers sundowning?

Knowing , didn`t help me find a solution and I doubt it will help you, and if you are getting to the stage where this is really becoming such a problem it is affecting your health, perhaps the time has come for the painful decision to accept the need for residential care.
 

joolzt

Registered User
Apr 1, 2016
38
0
Edinburgh
He also told me he couldn`t share a bedroom because he was a married man.

The same thing happened to my parents. Dad had vascular dementia and eventually didn't recognise my mum and wouldn't let her get into bed with him after over 50 years of marriage.

Mum used to get bitter and say he had 'put her out of their marriage bed'. That really upset me and I ended up getting sharp with her and telling her that was NOT my dad as he would NEVER have done that as he loved her so much. I kept telling her it was the disease that did it, not dad. I even tried to tell her that he was being faithful to her by not getting into bed with a woman he thought he didn't know.

It broke my heart the day that I saw him look at her and say politely "Excuse me but can you tell me where Mrs xxxx is please?". Another day I got home to 2 messages from him on my answering machine asking where mum was, when I knew she would be in the house with him. Then he phoned again and I told him to call her name and she would come to him as she was at home. She came but I don't know if he recognised her. I'm still pretty stunned that he knew my name, knew I was his daughter and managed to phone me.

sheilapeter this is a very cruel disease. The person we love is taken away from us while we can still see them in front of us. The aggression and hatred is not coming from your wife, it is coming from the disease. Did your wife talk about her wishes should she become incapacitated? Would she have wanted you to cope with all this, or would she have wanted you to let her go into residential care so you could look after yourself properly and then visit her whilst keeping your own health?

My sis and I had that tough conversation with my mum several years ago. She said she wanted to be independent in her own home as long as she possibly could, but if she became a danger to herself then we were to let her go into care. Sadly mum now has Alzheimer's. With our support and with help from external carers she is still living on her own at home. We will do everything in our power to keep her there as long as we possibly can, including taking turns to stay with her, but we know that, should it become absolutely necessary, we have her permission to seek residential care.
 
Last edited:

AlsoConfused

Registered User
Sep 17, 2010
1,952
0
Just a "for instance" of a "love lie" which broke my heart while I was telling it ...

Mum and I had been visiting my Dad in the regional hospital (located in the same town as my Mum had lived in as a child). Afterwards, Mum very sweetly, reasonably and hesitantly asked if we could drop in on her parents, she hadn't seen them for a bit and we could go home by the next bus instead of this one.

My excuse was that I'd left the dog on her own for too long, we had to get back ... but it was so sad seeing Mum's disappointment and her confusion over my apparent hard- heartedness.
 

sheilapeter

Registered User
Jan 14, 2017
7
0
Thanks

Thank you all for your kind words and comments.
I am hoping that I will hear something from Social Services this coming week.
I would want to resist a care home at all cost but being together is not helping her and my love for her is not enough now.
I will have to see what they say.
 

AlsoConfused

Registered User
Sep 17, 2010
1,952
0
Being realistic about what you can and can't do is absolutely essential for everyone's well-being, I feel.

There's always a risk that overly self-sacrificing carers will push themselves to the point of extreme ill-health for themselves and not too good care for the people they look after. Getting extra paid care to supplement what can be done out of love makes sense to me, so does a good care home place whenever that becomes the best option.
 

Emac

Registered User
Mar 2, 2013
199
0
I would want to resist a care home at all cost but being together is not helping her and my love for her is not enough now.

You obviously love your wife very much. I think you hit the nail on the head though when you said 'being together is not helping her etc'. The important thing is that care is in place to meet her needs, particularly keeping her safe and content. As the disease progresses and the persons needs become greater as is the case with your wife it becomes impossible for one person to look after them properly. ( Think about nurses- would you expect them to be able to do a 24 hour shift 7 days a week?) It's just not possible to do this on your own, no matter how much you love your wife. Sometimes the loving thing is to accept help and support up to and including a care home if necessary, so that you can share some of the load, and stay well enough to go on spending time with her and being the good husband that you clearly are. I hope you have helpful conversations this week and some support is put in place to lighten the load. Sending my good wishes.
 

Suzanna1969

Registered User
Mar 28, 2015
345
0
Essex
Throughout her illness my Mum has been devoted to my Dad so it was a real shock when she didn't recognise him and kept running out of the house to the neighbours to 'get help' as she was convinced he was a stranger and was going to kill her. We hid the door keys so she couldn't run out into the cold... she climbed out of the bedroom window!

(They live in a bungalow but still... 82 years old, 4'10 and 11 stone and she still managed it... a little part of me is kind of proud!)

Anyway it was, of course, a UTI.

If you've not done so already, get your wife tested for this. Yes, it COULD be the next stage of the disease. But it could be Dementia's old friend, the Urinary Tract Infection, which can make them hallucinate. And I found out when Mum was in hospital as a result of this that the hallucinations can last for up to SIX MONTHS after the infection has been treated!!! :eek:
 

joolzt

Registered User
Apr 1, 2016
38
0
Edinburgh
And I found out when Mum was in hospital as a result of this that the hallucinations can last for up to SIX MONTHS after the infection has been treated!!!

I think you have to admire her determination for getting out of the window [emoji4]

Thanks for the UTI info. Mum is recovering from one and we hope to get her home from hospital next week. It was alarming when it happened as I had no idea what an infection could do to an elderly person.

It's good to know that any relapse may just be a knock on effect of the UTI rather than her Alzheimer's getting worse.
 

Suzanna1969

Registered User
Mar 28, 2015
345
0
Essex
I think you have to admire her determination for getting out of the window [emoji4]

I really thought my Dad was mistaken and she'd just sneaked past him, but all the doors were locked and the keys hidden and then my brother found her slipper in the flower bed under her window....

I have a friend who works in a nursing home, mainly dementia patients, and even he didn't know the hallucinations could go on that long.

It never ceases to amaze me how much we DON'T get told. I'm not sure if this is because the healthcare professionals just forget, assume we already know or 'don't want to be alarmist'. I've always thought that knowledge is power. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. And how can you prepare for what you don't know?

They really should give out a book when your loved one is diagnosed with dementia - 'Things I Wish I'd Known About The Big D'. Maybe we should all collaborate and write one, huh?
 

sheilapeter

Registered User
Jan 14, 2017
7
0
Uti

My wife had a UTI about 7 weeks ago and we had a quite dreadful time.
She was diagnosed with another one last week. They have sent off a sample but she is not really responding to the antibiotics.
What causes UTIs?
My wife manages to wash herself but I don't know how thorough she is- could this be contributing?
I am trying to get her a doctor's appointment for Monday morning as her lips are very puffy and it is affecting her speech.
The doctors are very sympathetic when we see them but speaking purely as a layman I would have thought she should be in hospital rather than just given a prescription.
We have had a really bad week with hallucinations and I am at my wits end how to cope with her.
 

Cat27

Registered User
Feb 27, 2015
13,057
0
Merseyside
UTIs are evil things. Does your wife drink cranberry juice as that can help.
The puffy mouth sounds like infectiontoo so please do get a GP appointment ASAP.
 

sheilapeter

Registered User
Jan 14, 2017
7
0
She has been trying the cranberry juice for about a week. She likes it but too early to tell if it is having any effect.
 

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