Hard to wash and she is now more agressive

[Dayperson]

I need some advice.

I know on the compassionate sheet it says don't force someone with dementia to do something, but mum is getting more aggressive and agitated and it is getting harder to shower or even hand wash her. Yesterday she hit me when I tried to give her a wash.

What should I do? Should I leave her to smell or force her to have a wash? Dad is refusing to get people in to help with this.

 

[Tin]

Does she really smell? the way I understand it, its the clothes that smell, especially when not changed for a long time, they are absorbing all the body odour. Can you not leave this for a while, maybe just fill the sink with warm soapy water and ask/encourage her to wash hands and face, then if she is like my mum, she will have a favourite perfume, let her put a little on-but if she is anything like my mum! she will go overboard with the perfume and the smell will just choke you!!

You may have to try and let this one go, she will come round eventually and getting extra help in this area, will not necessarily make any difference.

 

[Toddleo]

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?85776-How-can-I-get-my-mother-to-have-a-wash

this thread is a little bit old now, but the same stories apply!

 

[Dayperson]

Does she really smell? the way I understand it, its the clothes that smell, especially when not changed for a long time, they are absorbing all the body odour. Can you not leave this for a while, maybe just fill the sink with warm soapy water and ask/encourage her to wash hands and face, then if she is like my mum, she will have a favourite perfume, let her put a little on-but if she is anything like my mum! she will go overboard with the perfume and the smell will just choke you!!

You may have to try and let this one go, she will come round eventually and getting extra help in this area, will not necessarily make any difference.

This was after I tried to give her a wash with a struggle. Mum won't let me do anything to her, at a push I can get her clothes off but I cannot put the talc on to cure her rash from not washing

 

[carpe diem]

Hi. Just a few ideas to add to the old thread.
I've tried running the bath, saying the hot water is going to waste.
There won't be any hot water tomorrow because the boiler needs a service.
We have to visit the podiotrist so at least dip your feet in, then hopefully get some more in.
Shall we just go look in the bathroom you could help me find a towel please.
Just do it to make me happy and then I can go leave you alone and stop bossing.
Do it to shut me up.
Mrs X is visiting to take you out.
Ask how often an average person baths and point out that she might feel nicer.
I've tried endless persuasion, sometimes it works sometimes not.
Being there before she gets up and dressed is vital. No way will she bath for carers in the middle of the day, that's just hitting your head against a brick wall.
Sometimes my husband can persuade her better than me.
The dry shampoo is ok , you can buy bottles online.
Good luck to everyone with this problem. I have to drive 200 miles to get my mum in the bath so it's important she agrees!

 

[jen54]

Up to now, mum has insisted she does wash..even though she was grabbing a dish clothe from drainer to wash her face..regardless of the clean flannels I was putting there..in the end I put clean soft dishclothe so she used that..so odd
She does smell a bit of bo, but whenever she gets undressed I nil up and grab clothes to wash,and chuck anything that I past it,and replace with new...that way she cant keep putting on her same old well lived relics.
I think smelling a bit isnt that bad,tbh, I probably gave become nose blind..seeing she has four cats that cause more smell.
My mum would go mad if anyone tried to force her to wash,she cannot get in the bath, and has strip washed for years now. Its hard to get her to let me wash her hair too,and I am now at the stage if thinking if I left it and just brushed it..it may be better.hair is meant to balance the grease after a while..I came to the conclusion that as long as its not toilet related smell or soiling, bo is something minor. Fresh clothes on with fabric softener certainly helps as I think it was the clothes smelling more than mum as she kept putting on the same ones till I started swapping stuff.
It does appear to me that personal stuff sets mum off, I suppose I would be the same if I didn't think I needed washing..its very personal and strongly linked to dignity. Its the only thing that gets my mum aggitated or brings out her defensive,aggressive mode, so that's what I have let slip for the sake of keeping her calm. Things are to change now as her hip is giving way,so her mobility has brought things to a head

 

[di65]

For the 3 months before my husband went into care he flatly refused to bathe. I manage on the odd occasion manage to get him in the bath by saying that I had left the water in for him after my bath, but usually he would counter this by telling me that he had had one this morning. It was probably fortunate that he wasn't a person who sweated much. I used to change his clothes every night once he had gone to bed, and bizarrely he insisted on using deodorant every morning and night
I realise that this isn't possible if you don't live with your mum, but I thought I would share my experience.

Good luck with your mum

 

[Dayperson]

Thanks for your replies and suggestions, just had a bad week so haven't been on the forum.

I tried to give mum some of her perfume she used to like, but she was aggressive and moaned at the smell.

I have noticed she gets more verbally angry and aggressive, so I am thinking I maybe won't be able to shower her again, but that means living with her smell.

My concern with though is that her rash on her chest will get worse, but she won't let me put the cream on it that I am meant to so I am in an impossible situation.

Am I best to just turn a blind eye to it?

 

[Tin]

Thanks for your replies and suggestions, just had a bad week so haven't been on the forum.

I tried to give mum some of her perfume she used to like, but she was aggressive and moaned at the smell.

I have noticed she gets more verbally angry and aggressive, so I am thinking I maybe won't be able to shower her again, but that means living with her smell.

My concern with though is that her rash on her chest will get worse, but she won't let me put the cream on it that I am meant to so I am in an impossible situation.

Am I best to just turn a blind eye to it?

I think you are going to have to try and turn a blind eye, the more you push, the more aggressive she will become and you will be the only one suffering. Can you at least get her to change her clothes and maybe buy a Lavender body spray, she may prefer the smell, Yardley do a really good one, at same time I would buy some Lavender diffusers or candles, it might help to calm her. As a last resort, is there any chance you can gently and quietly put small amount of her cream on the rash when she is asleep! I know sounds silly but I am desperately thinking 'out of the box'.

 

[Dayperson]

I managed somehow to change mums clothes today and put cream on her rash but she was sulking at the smell of her fresh, clean clothes. Later I found she wasn't wearing any disposable knickers and she didn't like the pair of trousers I got her (only pair left unwashed after she wet herself the other day) so she walked out and has spent the rest of the day alone in her room.

I really do think she is at the stage if needing to go to a care home, but dad is reluctant and would rather one of us dies looking after her. I think it would take a new doctor or a hospital visit and sectioning to force her to go into a home.

 

[Spamar]

Ask Dad what he would do if it's you that dies?! Don't mean to be morbid, but...broken leg/arm, flu, take anything you like from the illness book. Sprained ankle even.
He must get real and see it as you do.
Good luck.
PS don't let it get do far as your carers breakdown! It's not nice!

 

[HillyBilly]

Later I found she wasn't wearing any disposable knickers and she didn't like the pair of trousers I got her (only pair left unwashed after she wet herself the other day) so she walked out and has spent the rest of the day alone in her room.

I'm having flashbacks