I am feeling terribly guilty, and of letting mum down...And my dad,who just before he died sobbed and begged me not to put mum in a home and to look after her.
I didn't realise how badly it would effect me when time came to admit we may not be able to cope, we were hoping to have mum with us,move and take her in, but we are stuck at present unable to afford a bigger place, mum has never wanted to move, so hints about selling both houses and her coming with us are not received well,never were.
Actually speaking to a Dr and support worker to say mum is becoming unable to cope with stairs, made me break down, I could hardly get words our to the help line person when it came to saying we were told just run 999
I realised I wanted the control, the idea that I had to turn some controI over to strangers who didn't know or care about mum personally was the issue. I was trying to protect mum from any distress,and time has come I can't do that.
I have never felt like this before, feeling I am letting mum down,and being a failure for not taking care of her myself.
I am still hoping I can get help in her home, and in future have her with us..Still in denial of how it could pan out, I suppose my hand has to be forced as it becomes impossible to carry on or cope.
I had hoped mum would be in her home,pottering,oblivious,while we took care of everything..And then she would slip away in her sleep before she started forgetting us,and became scared,or other issues of confusion
The realisation she may well end her days distressed is a hard pull to swallow,though I now see even if she was with us she would wake up each day totally scared wondering where she was...And living in her house is becoming an issue without outside help.
No escaping my feelings though. I suppose it's the instinctual need to protect ,to hide the vulnerability of loved ones and to look after our own until it is impossible