False Memories??

[Lisa2222]

My mother was always a kind, loving person and we had a close relationship. All of that changed when she got ill.
Now she is coming up with false memories and they are negative ones abut me. Things I never did or said to her. She is convinced that I tried to hurt her many times (emotionally). The problem is that she does not accuse my siblings, so it makes me wonder, why me? What do I do? Do I agree with this, also? I cannot reason her out of it. I wonder why she cant have a positive "false" memory. Thank you

 

[Lorna44]

My mum is also like this, with my 2 siblings and I. She never 'sees' anything nice, my brother is always in fights and his face is cut & bloodied, my other brother is always the bad person and I steal her money and won't let her see my baby twins (which I don't have!!) She thinks we've all gotten divorced which she's paid for (untrue!). There is no rhyme or reason to it! Like you I wish she saw nice things and had pleasant thoughts!
Most of the time we manage to use compassionate communication and deflect it, but it's bloomin hard. Try to remember it's not your Mum, it's the beast called Dementia. Hugs to you, Lorna xx

Sent from my SM-G930F using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Batsue]

My mum is the same, she often says that she loves my brother but does not even like me, yet without me she would probably not be living at home.

 

[Witzend]

It's so often the one who's been closest who is attacked.

My brother had always been my mother's 'golden boy' and had been extremely good to her. He was the one who called in most often, since he lived closest.

Yet when she was going through her 'nasty' stage she could be absolutely horrible to him and say the most awful, hurtful things. I once heard him break down in tears over the phone. It was particularly awful since he was normally such a robust and jolly type.

The only crumb I can offer is that sooner or later, this stage does usually pass. But it can be terribly hard while it lasts.
I didn't have too much direct nastiness from my mother, but during this stage she would often say really horrible things - quite untrue - about my husband and daughters, among other things accusing them of selfishly 'refusing' to let me visit her.

I think those things probably upset me more than barbs directed at me personally. I did once tell her that if she didn't stop saying such horrible things, I was going home NOW, this minute, and she did stop, at least for that visit.

 

[canary]

This is a really common problem.

Unfortunately, many people with dementia are unable to understand that they have anything wrong with them (anosognosia) - although they will usually admit that their memory is not as good as it once was!. Aslo, although they forget things that have happened they usually have a sort of "emotional" memory (amygdala memory), so that if they get upset, they remember the feeling of being upset, but not the reason why. Because there is a "black hole" where the memory should be the brain fills it in with other things (confabulation) - they are not purposely making things up, it is a function of a damaged brain.

So it goes subconsciously a bit like this

I have a feeling that Things Are Not Quite Right. I feel that I am upset.
I know that it is nothing to do with me
Therefore it must be you.
I cant remember what has happened, but you must have upset me.
These are the things that would upset me, so this is what you must have done.

Please remember that she is not doing it on purpose, although I understand that it is difficult to not take it personally.

Edit to say, that its no good trying logic and reason, it just doesnt work. Have you come across compassionate communication?
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

 

[Concerned J]

Snap - my Mum is exactly the same.

Why can she remember the good times (they outweigh the bad enormously)
Mum is also downright nasty to her brother (her live in carer). One day he will walk out and then she'll be in trouble.
I try to talk to her and tell her we love her and we care and try not to get annoyed with her but i'm very aware that it not my mum who is being rude and nasty it's the alzheimers.
It does help to know we're not alone.

Best wishes to you all .

 

[Lisa2222]

thank you all ...

thank you all for your wise comments. I try not to let it hurt me but it does. She thinks I don't care and don't love her and I cannot convince her otherwise.

 

[canary]

thank you all for your wise comments. I try not to let it hurt me but it does. She thinks I don't care and don't love her and I cannot convince her otherwise.

No, you wont be able to convince her.
Yes, it does hurt - a lot

Im sorry, I have no wise words for this as there just isnt an answer
(((((hugs)))))

 

[Boz Rihan]

Mum's memories

I am my mother's carer in a house we have shared for 30+years. I can laugh now but she does not know I am her daughter and used to talk to me as another person and complain bitterly to me about her daughter. She no longer does this so it will pass. She continue not to have a clue who I am most of the time. If she is alone for more than 5 mins
She has a hsbit of calling hello which is really annoying. Bless us all who care for and love a
PWD

 

[Amy in the US]

Hi, Lisa, and welcome to Talking Point. I'm sorry to hear about your mother, and that you had to find your way here. Lots of good people and advice and support here on TP.

The delusions (a delusion is a false, fixed belief) are a common part of dementia, I'm afraid. I think everyone here has experienced those with their PWD (person with dementia) at one point or another. Sometimes they come and go, sometimes they are more or less an ongoing issue.

The delusions of someone close to the PWD, having done something to harm them (stealing money, poisoning them, stealing their things, upsetting them, having an argument, etc) are, again, very common. Not that it solves anything, but sometimes it can be reassuring to know you're not alone. These are often turned against the person or persons who are closest to the PWD. Canary explained it really well.

No, you can't reason her out of it. You can't reason at all, ever, with dementia. It's one of the hardest parts of this awful disease.

The best you can do is try to reassure her--speak to the very real emotion she is experiencing, and then try to move on with distraction/redirection.

You love and care for your mother. You know that, and we know that, and deep down, I think your mother knows that.

It must be very hard, when you've had a warm and close relationship with someone, only to have the dementia turn on you. I have been on the receiving end of the delusions and the accusations and it is TERRIBLE. I'm so very sorry. Best wishes to you.

 

[On a journey]

I was interested to find this thread on TP, and although there aren't any very recent posts, I wondered if anyone could relate to my recent experience with my 87 year old mum (who has a mix of dementias!) and perhaps make any suggestions.
This is something my dad told me a few days ago. She was sitting on the sofa, very upset - sobbing uncontrollably - and when my dad (her carer) asked what was wrong, she said she had done something terrible, and hadn't told anyone, not even her sister. When my dad gently suggested she tell him, she blurted out 'I aborted my twins!'
My dad was understandably thrown off balance....but calmly deflected her sadness by saying, 'Well, you have two beautiful children who are still here, so that's good, isn't it?' She agreed that it was and appeared to cheer up and forget she'd made this dramatic statement.
My parents have been married for 61 years, and before they met, my mum had lived and worked in various cities, and had also lived abroad, so I suppose it's possible that she might have become pregnant (before abortion was legalised in 1967) and then felt she had no choice but to abort an unplannedpregnancy....but I think it's unlikely, for all sorts of reasons.
Then again, fact is sometimes stranger than fiction.
I have read about False Memory Syndrome in Altzheimer type dementias, and am assuming that what prompted her to blurt out this alarming 'confession' was a confusion of memories, perhaps having nursed or met someone in such a difficult situation, or read a scene in a book, or seen something on TV....but I'd be very grateful for any insights. None of us wants to upset her by asking her for any sort of explanation - what would be the point? - but have any other carers/family members had similar experiences, and how did you deal with them? Are they likely to recurr, or is that asking 'How long is a piece of string?'
Very best wishes to everyone. Thanks for reading this.

 

[marionq]

My husband woke up one morning this week and was very confused and resistant to getting up and showered. When I asked what the problem was he said "I don't want you to wallop me for telling lies". I sat down and tried to talk through this without success and it was only when he finally went into the shower that I saw that he'd had a bowel accident for the first time. So this must have been playing on his mind. I imagine that most of these events are caused by emotional disturbances which the person can't explain.

I hate the idea that my husband thinks I would hurt him but in truth it's not really about me at all. What a sad illness.

 

[try again]

just reassure and redirect

 

[LynneMcV]

Hi @On a journey

I am sorry your family are going through this. I have to say that your dad handled it perfectly, well done to him.

Having said that, I do know how unsettling these things can be.

I would have driven myself into a frenzy if I had taken half of what my husband said as fact. Of course, the most outlandish claims could be quickly pushed aside but there were always things that came out over and over again which could well have had a ring of truth to them.

I simply acknowledged his distress, comforted him, sympathised, reassured that all of that was in the past and not how things were now - and eventually he stopped worrying about it or talking about it. I say eventually - one memory (false or otherwise) took about a year to disappear altogether. It wasn't raised on a daily basis though - just sporadically.

I know it is hard, but try not to dwell on what has been said, even if it crops up more than once - as you say, it might well be something your mum has read in a book or seen on tv in the past which is now manifesting as a false memory.

 

[On a journey]

Hi @On a journey

I am sorry your family are going through this. I have to say that your dad handled it perfectly, well done to him.

Having said that, I do know how unsettling these things can be.

I would have driven myself into a frenzy if I had taken half of what my husband said as fact. Of course, the most outlandish claims could be quickly pushed aside but there were always things that came out over and over again which could well have had a ring of truth to them.

I simply acknowledged his distress, comforted him, sympathised, reassured that all of that was in the past and not how things were now - and eventually he stopped worrying about it or talking about it. I say eventually - one memory (false or otherwise) took about a year to disappear altogether. It wasn't raised on a daily basis though - just sporadically.

I know it is hard, but try not to dwell on what has been said, even if it crops up more than once - as you say, it might well be something your mum has read in a book or seen on tv in the past which is now manifesting as a false memory.

My husband woke up one morning this week and was very confused and resistant to getting up and showered. When I asked what the problem was he said "I don't want you to wallop me for telling lies". I sat down and tried to talk through this without success and it was only when he finally went into the shower that I saw that he'd had a bowel accident for the first time. So this must have been playing on his mind. I imagine that most of these events are caused by emotional disturbances which the person can't explain.

I hate the idea that my husband thinks I would hurt him but in truth it's not really about me at all. What a sad illness.

 

[On a journey]

Thanks so much for these responses, very kind of each of you to take the time to reply. They make perfect sense, as we all try to understand what that person is feeling at that moment....so the statements the PWD verbalises may be much more to do with their fears and worries than any logical announcement or response. And yes, even if there was 'a grain of truth'....the past has gone, we can't go back there. Though it strikes me that people with dementia 'go back there' - or to blurred and muddled versions of 'there' - frequently.

I think my dad handled it very well (we are all on a steep learning curve here!) and if Mum comes out with a bizarre/dramatic statement next time, I think we'll be better informed about how to handle that, and to respond to the emotion/fear rather than the 'story.'

It is such a sad illness.

Very best wishes to you all and thanks for your thoughts and advice.