Mum laundry, care Home and feelings

[susanandliam]

Hi

I've been doing Mum's washing for months now as I told the care home to stop doing it as Mum's clothes were always going astray and she never had any underwear when I visited!

This has stopped the clothes (on the whole) going missing but Mum is increasingly putting clean clothes in the basket which I then have to wash as the clean ones have got smelly. After a couple of days her wash basket is nearly full! I've tried removing some of her cardigans etc. so she hasn't got so much clothing but she still keeps putting loads in the basket. Has anyone else had this problem and if so any suggestions?!

We had Mum to stay over Christmas for three nights and other than her getting up in the night which left me feeling shattered it went well. When it came to taking Mum back to the Care Home it was awful she was ok going back but when we left she wanted to come with us and was banging on the doors when we left.

Mum had a fall in the home yesterday and as we are still on holiday from work we took Mum out for lunch today. When we arrived the smell as soon as you walk in the home made me want to gag and at 11.45am Mum was in her room attempting to get dressed with her clothes on over the top of her nightie. Should the home not be getting Mum dressed or is it the norm to be leaving the residents not dressed/half dressed? On a few occasions now we have arrived at about midday and she's either still in her nightie or not dressed, is this right?

We took Mum to the garden centre which is about the only place you can take her round here when the weather's not great and I think she enjoyed it.

However I'm really struggling, I feel drained, I've tried speaking to a Counsellor in the past but it didn't to be honest help.

I have to go back to work next Tuesday and I'm dreading it, I work full time and visit Mum after work and either she either comes to us for a day at the weekend or we take her out somewhere.

I feel so guilty that she's in the home and I don't feel well in myself. I keep getting hot sweats, I'm irritable, keep crying and feeling sick and dizzy. The doctor said that I had low blood pressure and asked me if I was under any stress and I burst into tears.

I feel like I'm at my wits end

 

[Pinkys]

This sounds like a dreadful situation.
I know that care homes are all different, and sometimes the 'practicalities' are less important than the atmosphere and the level of human and real care. For example my MiL never gets dressed, but that is fine. However, I would be unhappy with some of the things you describe.

Mainly, it sounds wrong that you are managing things yourself , washing and so on, rather than the care home trying to sort it out for your mother and you. I would want to be able to tell the home that I would be picking her up for lunch, and then have confidence that they would make sure she was dressed and ready. In other words, I would want to have a serious discussion with them about how things are going, and have confidence that they would listen and act accordingly. Can you do that? Could you make a list of your concerns and have an open chat with the manager?

I am so sorry you sound overwhelmed. We always seem to hope that once someone is in care, we can step away and will feel the load has been lifted. It sounds like you do not feel that with this care home, and are still struggling with guilt and sadness that your mother's life has come to this. And you cannot fix it. It is very hard.

Best Wishes, look after yourself.

 

[marionq]

If the home smells that bad I wonder if they are understaffed or incompetent. Could you look at other homes in the area which might be better? With this level of worry having her in there is not much help.

Are you perhaps going in too much so that she isn't settling?

Could you leave only two sets of clothes each time you go in to avoid clean clothes going in the bin? Perhaps leave a third set with the office in a plastic bag as an emergency.

You sound very stressed and if you become seriously unwell you will be no good to anyone.

I wish you well. Let us know how things go.

 

[susanandliam]

This sounds like a dreadful situation.
I know that care homes are all different, and sometimes the 'practicalities' are less important than the atmosphere and the level of human and real care. For example my MiL never gets dressed, but that is fine. However, I would be unhappy with some of the things you describe.

Mainly, it sounds wrong that you are managing things yourself , washing and so on, rather than the care home trying to sort it out for your mother and you. I would want to be able to tell the home that I would be picking her up for lunch, and then have confidence that they would make sure she was dressed and ready. In other words, I would want to have a serious discussion with them about how things are going, and have confidence that they would listen and act accordingly. Can you do that? Could you make a list of your concerns and have an open chat with the manager?

I am so sorry you sound overwhelmed. We always seem to hope that once someone is in care, we can step away and will feel the load has been lifted. It sounds like you do not feel that with this care home, and are still struggling with guilt and sadness that your mother's life has come to this. And you cannot fix it. It is very hard.

Best Wishes, look after yourself.

Thank you for your reply, I am due to go in with a Social Worker next week to look at things such as Mum's care plan.

Sometimes the staff know I'm going but I prefer to arrive unannounced as I can get a picture of what is happening. one of my concerns is I don't feel that she is getting any stimulation while she's there, maybe I'm expecting too much.

You're right I did in my naivety somehow imagine that things would be easier when Mum was in a care home (in that I wouldn't worry) but in many ways it's worse than when I was trying to manage her care from a distance.

 

[susanandliam]

If the home smells that bad I wonder if they are understaffed or incompetent. Could you look at other homes in the area which might be better? With this level of worry having her in there is not much help.

Are you perhaps going in too much so that she isn't settling?

Could you leave only two sets of clothes each time you go in to avoid clean clothes going in the bin? Perhaps leave a third set with the office in a plastic bag as an emergency.

You sound very stressed and if you become seriously unwell you will be no good to anyone.

I wish you well. Let us know how things go.

Thank you for your reply.

It's very difficult for me to judge without prior experience of homes as to how bad the smell is, I guess it's hard to mask these. However I have read numerous times that homes shouldn't smell.

I'm worried about moving her (she's been there since February) as she does seem to be reasonably settled and recognises the people there and I don't want to speed her decline.

I possibly am going in too much but this is because of my concerns and she has no one else that bothers. Also because of the clothes I need to go and collect them.

It's so difficult at Christmas she enjoyed herself with us so much but it leaves you completely torn as when she went back she was upset that we were leaving her and to be honest I've felt really upset since then.

I will come back to let you know how things go.

 

[susanandliam]

Mum, Laundry, care home and feelings-Help please

Well we're still limping on!

Mum's still in the same care home as I'm worried to death that moving her will cause her to spiral down even quicker or worse. However I'm thinking that things can't go on as they are and maybe I should change things?

However things are not improving at the home, the last manager left, we then had the deputy in place with a manager who was shared between another home and Mum's. Another manager is to be shortly in place, at least four of the staff have left and there are agency workers in there. The homes CQC rating has gone down.

Again this weekend they didn't have Mum ready for the carer (who we pay extra for) when she went to pick her up at 10.00am, the carer said she had to take Mum to her room to get her properly dressed. This is despite being one of the issues raised at a meeting with the deputy and social worker that Mum isn't ready when the carers come to take her out. When I rang and complained on the phone later on in the day the HCA in charge said she didn't know Mum was going out as it wasn't written in the diary. Every month it's the same thing they seem incapable of writing in the diary that Mum comes to us on the same days every month!

Mum was more confused than usual, garbling and not walking well when she arrived at mine. She seemed to be having problems just putting one foot in front of another.

She didn't seem herself and later in the day went to sleep and we couldn't wake her up! We called 111 and an ambulance came out who thought Mum had had a TIA. After receiving oxygen and a large dose of asprin Mum rallied. I looked after her that night and the next day as she seemed very fragile. When we returned Mum to the care home the next evening she wasn't checked by the staff or anything other than a cursory how is she.

I took a sample of Mum's urine to the dr's for testing for a UTI as suggested by the ambulance crew. I asked the care home if they had tested for this recently and although a request for a sample of urine had been requested on the Friday morning for testing no one had actioned it. When queried they said they were unable to get a sample and it had been written in the book to try again on Monday. But surely if you suspect an elderly woman with Alzheimers has a UTI then it needs to be actioned quicker than this?

No one bothered (again) to tell me that they thought she may have a UTI had I known I would have gone and got the urine sample myself.

Picked Mum up from her club yesterday to take Mum to a TIA clinic to be told that the carer that morning had told the club that Mum hadn't had any breakfast when she picked her up from the care home!

When Mum was having an ECG it was discovered that Mum had a bra on that was inside out and not done up. So again the home hadn't checked she was dressed ok and Mum had neither her reading or distance glasses with her at the club so the home hadn't done that either.

The dr at the TIA clinic asked for a urine sample and it was found that Mum had a really bad UTI which could have caused most of the problem rather than a TIA.

I am beside myself we are paying a fortune to this home and they don't seem to be even able to get the basics right.

Please can you advise me whether this is 'normal' for a care home to be like this? It's really wearing me down and more than that it's the indignity of it all for Mum. When I was looking after her I always picked up she had a UTI but although the home had noticed a change in Mum's behaviour they didn't do anything about it or notify me.

My husband complained to the deputy manager about the above who apologised and said she'd look into things but we have heard nothing further. Believe me I don't like complaining but I don't know what to do now.

Is the next step to complain to either the head office of this home , the CQC or social services?

Is this the usual standard of a care home or should it be better than this, should I move her?

Sorry for all the questions but this is really really stressing me out. any advice would be appreciated.

 

[canary]

Short answer - no, this is not good enough. The fact that the CQC ratings have gone down is testament to this.
Things may improve with the new manager, but I would be looking around at other homes in case it doesnt.

 

[Shedrech]

hello susanandliam
what a sorry tale; no wonder you are so stressed and worried
I agree with canary - I'd be astounded to have any of this in dad's care home - given that your concerns are not new, I too would be looking around for somewhere else - yes your mum may be confused by a move, but she's not being looked after properly and that means you are losing confidence in the staff - weighing things up, I need to feel that my dad is safe and cared for, and you don't have that reassurance right now
also let everyone concerned know the issues you are unhappy with and that despite assurances, the systems at the home don't seem to be any better
a lot of work for you, I appreciate - it'll be worth the effort to set your mind at rest
best wishes

 

[susanandliam]

Thank you

Thank you everyone for your replies, it does help so much xx