My mum is very independent and has always wanted to live alone. She was continually losing weight, forgetting to eat, could not remember her medication. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 6 months ago, but we think she has had it at least 2 years before that. We tried getting carers to come in but she went out when they were due and accused them of force feeding her. She ended up in hospital after a vascular episode. The family and the medical team in the hospital agreed that she could no longer cope at home. She is now in a care home which offers assisted living, so a degree of independence, and has been rated outstanding. The carers are very kind and there are lots of activities on offer. Mum however complains there is nothing to do and that she does not get on with anyone there. She thinks she can still cope at home on her own, and has accused me of stealing her money. At my wit's end as to what to do for the best. I know she cannot manage at home, I live 2 hours away, does anyone have any advice please. Some days she is very confused and does not recognise old friends, other days she seems completely lucid and only a bit repetitive.
Mum in care home, symptoms of dementia vary every day, should I move her again?
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Hi and welcome to Talking Point. I am sorry that you have need of us though!
How long has your mother been in the care home? Where were you thinking of moving her to?
It can take some time for PWDs (Person With Dementia) to settle in a new environment, much longer than you might think. So it could be that your mother simply needs more time.
Even if this is not the case, would moving her somewhere else actually make any difference? It is a very sad fact that some PWDs seem unhappy and unsettled no matter how hard everyone tries!
How long has your mother been in the care home? Where were you thinking of moving her to?
It can take some time for PWDs (Person With Dementia) to settle in a new environment, much longer than you might think. So it could be that your mother simply needs more time.
Even if this is not the case, would moving her somewhere else actually make any difference? It is a very sad fact that some PWDs seem unhappy and unsettled no matter how hard everyone tries!
Hi, I agree with everything Slugsta has written. There is no point in moving her now. She will probably have to move when her dementia becomes worse, which it inevitably will. That will probably be the time to move her closer to you.
People can months to settle!
People can months to settle!
Hi. I agree with others - leave your mom where she is. Its hard but she is safe and cared for where she is. Sometimes that's all we can do.
Hi there, welcome to Talking Point. Your situation sounds so similar to mine. My Mum lived alone for 30 years after being widowed, she was proud of this, fiercely independent, stubborn and utterly in denial about having dementia. I too lived 2.5 hours drive away from my Mum and the journeys were exhausting and onerous. We had no defining crisis in Mum's life - it was more an accumulation of not eating, hating carers coming in, sending them away, carers not even getting basics of food in, Mum not drinking, neighbours getting more and more worried and feeling responsible. A defining moment for me was almost falling asleep at the wheel on a journey home and I realised how nuts it was trying to keep Mum going at home. My brother and I chose a care home 5 mins drive from me and she moved there at the beginning of October. Some days she is settled and fine, other days she is angry and determined to go home. Like your Mum she appears to have more lucid days/times, however when she is very articulately describing how much she wishes to go home it is accompanied by a complete denial of needing any help at all and I realise she is not well enough to go anywhere else.
How to respond beyond reassurance I just don't know. It does get me down every time as I am unused to going against my mother's wishes. I too often feel as if I am at my wits end so you are not the only one.
It does sound as if you have found a super place for your Mum. Stick with it! My Mum is in a more restrictive environment in a care home as there is no other facility nearby. She is reliant on me for going out, and I do visit and take her out when I can but it feels nothing is ever good enough.
Probably not much help, but you are not alone!
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Thank you
Good evening,
Thank you for your reply, it was very helpful. Mum has been in the care home 3 months. She wanted to stay in the same area where she had been before, but there were no suitable care homes, so I chose this one as its location is very similar - 200 yards from the beach, so she can walk there like she used to walk to the other one. I've been looking at places where she could have a bit more independence, but to be honest, I think I'm barking up the wrong tree, as we tried that and she was unable to cope. It's just when she seems lucid, she's very convincing.
You are absolutely right, moving her is not the solution as she probably wouldn't be happy there either - thank you for making me think more clearly
Good evening,
Thank you for your reply, it was very helpful. Mum has been in the care home 3 months. She wanted to stay in the same area where she had been before, but there were no suitable care homes, so I chose this one as its location is very similar - 200 yards from the beach, so she can walk there like she used to walk to the other one. I've been looking at places where she could have a bit more independence, but to be honest, I think I'm barking up the wrong tree, as we tried that and she was unable to cope. It's just when she seems lucid, she's very convincing.
You are absolutely right, moving her is not the solution as she probably wouldn't be happy there either - thank you for making me think more clearly
