I have been a long term 'ghost' on this forum, but finally decided I had to take the plunge.
It is 3.38am and I have just put my Grandmother back to bed for the third time this evening. If I'm lucky I'll get a few hours sleep, if not, hello Mr Coffee.
I look after my gran, living with her and trying to fit in a semblance of a life around her increasingly advanced dementia. Between me and an Uncle and his wife, we try our best to keep her comfortable, happy and out of a care home. I was always close to her, and my staying with her seemed to have progressed from when she was sick and most weekends, to the odd week, to a couple of months and now more or less constantly. Her condition seems to decline in regular 3 monthly intervals, and I have gone from simply 'being there' to provide reassurance, to picking up incontinence pads, cleaning up after accidents, calming her increasingly severe panic attacks, cajoling her to eat and sleep and stay warm. I could go on, but having lurked on these forums I think everyone knows.
The reason I am finally posting, is simple. I am a 28 year old guy whose life has been on hold for the past two years. I am at the end of my tether. I can't pursue the education options I have because it would mean moving away. I can't work and rely on my rapidly dwindling savings and what is laughably termed a carers allowance.
I speak several languages and ideally I want to pursue a Masters in Spain but that would mean leaving her. I am avoiding old friends from uni and school because of the embarrassment of essentially being in the same place I was when I graduated!
I have no social life anymore and find making friends increasingly difficult. What is worse, I have to everyday put up with the stigma of being a young guy who does this for his grandmother (images of weird 40 year old guys with 8 cats living with their mothers and all that) and am exposed to my gran doing things that no guy wants to see any of the women in his life doing.
Now, (having just read what I have written) I know I sound like a douche writing this, and at the end of the day it was my choice, and I don't regret it, but I just have to rant somewhere. I am truly at my wits end. I could leave, but the guilt at jumping when things get tough is not something I could bear easily.
I don't know why I felt the need to release these Joycean stream of consciousness at you all but I really just don't want to feel so isolated, and really wanted to know how anyone else in my position copes with it all?
Any advice or even a chat would be much appreciated
It is 3.38am and I have just put my Grandmother back to bed for the third time this evening. If I'm lucky I'll get a few hours sleep, if not, hello Mr Coffee.
I look after my gran, living with her and trying to fit in a semblance of a life around her increasingly advanced dementia. Between me and an Uncle and his wife, we try our best to keep her comfortable, happy and out of a care home. I was always close to her, and my staying with her seemed to have progressed from when she was sick and most weekends, to the odd week, to a couple of months and now more or less constantly. Her condition seems to decline in regular 3 monthly intervals, and I have gone from simply 'being there' to provide reassurance, to picking up incontinence pads, cleaning up after accidents, calming her increasingly severe panic attacks, cajoling her to eat and sleep and stay warm. I could go on, but having lurked on these forums I think everyone knows.
The reason I am finally posting, is simple. I am a 28 year old guy whose life has been on hold for the past two years. I am at the end of my tether. I can't pursue the education options I have because it would mean moving away. I can't work and rely on my rapidly dwindling savings and what is laughably termed a carers allowance.
I speak several languages and ideally I want to pursue a Masters in Spain but that would mean leaving her. I am avoiding old friends from uni and school because of the embarrassment of essentially being in the same place I was when I graduated!
I have no social life anymore and find making friends increasingly difficult. What is worse, I have to everyday put up with the stigma of being a young guy who does this for his grandmother (images of weird 40 year old guys with 8 cats living with their mothers and all that) and am exposed to my gran doing things that no guy wants to see any of the women in his life doing.
Now, (having just read what I have written) I know I sound like a douche writing this, and at the end of the day it was my choice, and I don't regret it, but I just have to rant somewhere. I am truly at my wits end. I could leave, but the guilt at jumping when things get tough is not something I could bear easily.
I don't know why I felt the need to release these Joycean stream of consciousness at you all but I really just don't want to feel so isolated, and really wanted to know how anyone else in my position copes with it all?
Any advice or even a chat would be much appreciated