Approaching the subject with my father...

[LedZep1]

Hi there,

Please excuse the long and winding thread.....I'm writing this with a lot of trepidation and fear, its honestly my worst nightmare come to life, i've cried several times this week... Its a day I've feared most of my adult life, since I saw my grandparents on my mothers side deteriorate rapidly with dementia 20 years ago.

So in the last year my dads best friend died from lung cancer, his sister has passed away after a short battle with alzheimer's, my mums brother is currently in a home with alzheimer's, is totally oblivious to anyone and only reacts to music, he will sing and laugh to music but nothing else....
So, I guess its safe to say there is a family history, my mum and dad are now in their mid 70's and in recent years my dad has had a run of ill health, he battled prostate cancer 10 years ago, then had a pacemaker fitted 6 years ago. All of which has knocked this once very strong and physical man off his feet, its caused him great distress and anxiety and he's retreated into himself and he's always been a bit of a drinker, but now he's doing it every day, he doesn't eat much anymore and drinks 2 or 3 pints and/or 1 or 2 whiskeys a day.... So that too can totally impact on his behaviour.

He has lost all motivation and enthusiasm for life, whereas my mum is still very much lively and energetic and wants to get out and be sociable and do things, where my dad always makes excuses, Mum is not good at dealing with stress and the impact of my dads health and growing old she gets persistent chest infections now.

Right, now you have a back story.... I guess I'm looking for advice from anyone who has been through a similar situation... So lately my dad is getting forgetful and repeats himself a lot... when challenged he gets defensive or laughs as though he is winding us up... Its just been niggling me lately and I finally asked my mum this week, who broke down in tears, that she was relieved someone else had noticed and said she has suspected something being wrong for a good 5 years now, just a slow decline in his mental capacity and his confidence and his want to do anything, he doesn't like her being out of the house for anytime on her own, he gets panicky and calls several times to see where she is....I've spoken to my brothers who have all confirmed similar things they've noticed. My dad is a very private man, he is also very proud so he will never admit to needing help. He is vulnerable now and has never been very good on his own. So my mum is his entire world! But he has denied needing any help whenever she suggests anything, they have spoken to the doctors on two occasions now and he has refused to take the small test, he feels that its not necessary.

I want to be able to ease into this subject without hurting his feelings or making him feel threatened as I'm sensing he knows something is not right, but if he admits it then it becomes all too real. He had mentioned learning to use an ipad recently! which is a giant leap in his interests! so do I show him, then ease into the topic by talking about his sister? do I say what i've noticed about him lately? what we've noticed as a family? do I speak to a GP?... Is it something I need to raise now? or continue to observe?
it may be connected to his terrible diet and drinking rather than we all assume its dementia....

I'm just a bit stuck with which way to go first.

Any advice is much appreciated

Many thanks
x

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to TP

I'd definitely encourage the use of an iPad but I'd avoid upsetting your dad by talking about sister & his memory.

 

[canary]

Hi LedZep

Your dads story sounds all too familiar, Im afraid. Unfortunately it is very common for people with dementia (PWDs) to be completely unaware that there is something wrong with them - its called anosognosia. They will often admit to getting forgetful and they often have a sort of feeling that Things Are Not Quite Right, but they dont actually realise that it is them so they blame someone else (usually the person closest to them).

So, you see, its not good trying to have a little chat with him and trying to persuade him that there is a problem - it will just make him angry because you are suggesting that there is something wrong with him and he knows that there isnt

You have to do things by stealth. Perhaps his GP could invite him to a "well man clinic" or for a "check up " for something-or-another and do a memory check while he is there. It is best not to tell him about other appointments, just tell him you are going for coffee somewhere - oh, and you are stopping off at the hospital first (go for coffee afterwards). Carers can be described as cleaners - there to help your mum now that she is getting on It needs a bit of creative thinking!

 

[smartieplum]

I agree, creative thinking is needed. i took mum to GP with a "sore back", i had call ahead about the memory concerns, and he did an MMSE at the surgery. Might sound like small fibs are required. It also sounds like he is aware of a problem. My mum did exactly the same thing with the laughing to cover up her forgetfulness. His alcohol intake won't be helping but i wouldn't focus on that at the moment.

Sent from my SM-G920F using Talking Point mobile app

 

[optocarol]

I'm assuming you're in the UK, so not sure of the driving licence system there. Is he still driving and if he is, is he due for a medical certificate - maybe you could use that as a reason to go to the doctor? If you think it'd work, I'd tell him he has to go to doctor for that reason.