Christmas Presents wrapping,a solitary affair.

[1mindy]

I am sitting wrapping presents,feeling very sorry for myself. This is my first Christmas with my husband in a home,he doesn't know who I am, has lost his ability to communicate at all. I go to see him,just to make sure he is OK, there is nothing in the relationship for him or me.
So I am wrapping presents,from me ? Clearly they are not from him. Is it ok to just put from me and leave him off ? Is there a right answer. To my grown children do I leave him off their presents ? They are really looking forward to our Christmas without their Dad ( they are 25 and 26 ) and don't live at home,, as for so many years we have pretended to have a good time at Christmas,but in truth it was miserable with their dad.Before this he was not the easiest of people but he was a good dad and husband. And I really did love the man he was..

 

[Kevinl]

My first Christmas with a wife in care and the thing I've been wondering about is Christmas cards. In the next few weeks people we have pretty much lost touch with other than we still swap Christmas cards as they've all moved miles away won't know what the situation is, if I leave my wife's name off will they think we're divorced or that she's die? Is it OK to put in a note explaining the situation, should I just send a card from us both then contact them in the New Year so I don't put a downer on their Christmas?
K

 

[cragmaid]

I'd still put from "Ma and Pa" on the kids stuff....
but when I used to prepare Mum's Christmas Cards for her, or wrap her presents ( she was blind as well) I used stickers saying in various forms Happy Christmas from....
and here was the fun part.....
either Mrs Mary S....
or Mary....
or Aunt(Great Aunt) Mary
or Nan/ Great Nan

except for the one for me....that I didn't even wrap up!! Sometimes I didn't even buy one.



Kevin, I'd put a note of your wife's address in with the cards from "You and she" . I did this especially for some very old and distant rellies who would have wondered if Mum was still alive.

 

[Cat27]

My first Christmas with a wife in care and the thing I've been wondering about is Christmas cards. In the next few weeks people we have pretty much lost touch with other than we still swap Christmas cards as they've all moved miles away won't know what the situation is, if I leave my wife's name off will they think we're divorced or that she's die? Is it OK to put in a note explaining the situation, should I just send a card from us both then contact them in the New Year so I don't put a downer on their Christmas?
K

I've been receiving Christmas cards for my dad. I'm going to write ones back with a little note explaining he's died.

 

[love.dad.but..]

It is a difficult one and people may feel differently from me. For dad I always think what would He have wanted or chosen pre dementia whether it is things like not accepting holy communion from anyone other than a priest, always would be clean shaven, he never wore jeans or joggers casually so have researched and bought fully elasticated trousers etc.now he has reached double incontinence etc. So it is impossible for many of us to know what a pwd would now want or choose with dementia but I personally would apply the same...included on card pre dementia still included with dementia. Kevini...If it were me I would send the card from you both and put a brief note inside.

 

[jugglingmum]

1Mindy - I think it depends on what your children will think /feel - as you've said he has been awkward teh last few years (think dementia takes time to be recognised) and may be always was - as it will be the three of you - they will know you did the buying and wrapping (my OH won't help wrap so he can enjoy the surprise as well). If there are presents for others just from you seems fine if that is what you are comfy with.

Kevin - I would put the cards as from both of you with a preprinted note inside saying what has happened, and where you think appropriate include your wife's address. If you think she wouldn't gain from receiving cards then I wouldn't include an address. I don't think you will put a downer on their christmas, it is part of sending cards to people we only keep in touch with that way to include significant news, good or bad

 

[1mindy]

My first Christmas with a wife in care and the thing I've been wondering about is Christmas cards. In the next few weeks people we have pretty much lost touch with other than we still swap Christmas cards as they've all moved miles away won't know what the situation is, if I leave my wife's name off will they think we're divorced or that she's die? Is it OK to put in a note explaining the situation, should I just send a card from us both then contact them in the New Year so I don't put a downer on their Christmas?
K

Ditto : I've decided to send just from me with an accompanying short letter, mentioning he has dementia and in a home but a little chat about other things too.

 

[Grannie G]

Dhiren's name was on all Christmas and birthday cards until he died. He may not have understood or appreciated it but I could never have written him off while he lived .

 

[jaymor]

Like Sylvia, for the four years my husband was in care his name went on all cards sent out, it never crossed my mind to leave him off. We were still a couple and we also continued to receive cards at Christmas as a couple.

It is going to be very difficult to leave it off this Christmas, the first Christmas since his death.

 

[Izzy]

Dhiren's name was on all Christmas and birthday cards until he died. He may not have understood or appreciated it but I could never have written him off while he lived .

I did the same with Bill. This year, of course, I can't do that. I did, however, post early cards to those who possibly don't know that Bill died. I typed a brief note and put it in all of these cards. I didn't want to get cards addressed to both of us. Soon. I know that's a different situation to most of you so not of much help.

 

[maryw]

Oh, it is solitary but the effort has to be made .....give yourself a pat on the back for doing so, it's not easy

I did it for years with my Mum who had sight loss and now with my husband....

Life doesn't always work out as planned, but you're really helping in your support



Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[1mindy]

Like Sylvia, for the four years my husband was in care his name went on all cards sent out, it never crossed my mind to leave him off. We were still a couple and we also continued to receive cards at Christmas as a couple.

It is going to be very difficult to leave it off this Christmas, the first Christmas since his death.

See this is so different t to the way I feel, I do really wish I could feel as you do. I don't feel like I am part of a couple, I am now just me. The cards coming through for those who know us are just putting .me on the cards. I need to be just .me now. After 30 years marriage I do wish I could say I was one part of two but I no longer think that.I know this sounds bad.

 

[maryw]

This is so sad. Dementia changes the personality of the husband and father, but underneath he is still there .... xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Lindy50]

See this is so different t to the way I feel, I do really wish I could feel as you do. I don't feel like I am part of a couple, I am now just me. The cards coming through for those who know us are just putting .me on the cards. I need to be just .me now. After 30 years marriage I do wish I could say I was one part of two but I no longer think that.I know this sounds bad.

Mindy, I just want to say that this definitely doesn't sound bad to me. Your feelings are your own and no-one else's, and how you address or sign cards and presents will reflect that.
It sounds to me as if you and your children have had some very difficult times. If not feeling part of a couple helps you to heal, then I'm all for it. Please don't feel that you should have feelings that you don't. This is not to say that you don't miss your husband, but you miss a different part of him. And you can both care about him as he is now, and begin a new set of experiences in this new situation.
I hope you have a very happy Christmas
Lindy xx

 

[Grannie G]

Please don`t think anyone here is being critical 1mindy. We are all different, have different relationships and feelings and there are no rules when faced with the challenges we are faced with.

 

[1mindy]

Thank you for taking the time to post and being constructed and not judgeing me. . I really appreciate it .

 

[Rageddy Anne]

With a lifetime of moving about it means our friends are scattered so we've sent and received updates in cards every Christmas.

Last year and the year before I included a handwritten note explaining Rob's situation, and always signed, "Anne, and also Rob.". So everyone has known. As I've always written our cards it wasn't a problem. Even when Dementia had brought out some of the less lovable attributes of my husband I always said he was facing his challenges bravely, and we both sent our love. That's what he would have wanted, I think.

This year, even though he's finding it very hard to focus, I still wrote, " Anne, and also Rob".

 

[Frederic H]

My first Christmas with a wife in care and the thing I've been wondering about is Christmas cards. In the next few weeks people we have pretty much lost touch with other than we still swap Christmas cards as they've all moved miles away won't know what the situation is, if I leave my wife's name off will they think we're divorced or that she's die? Is it OK to put in a note explaining the situation, should I just send a card from us both then contact them in the New Year so I don't put a downer on their Christmas?
K

hi Kevini
yes I am in same boat so this year I sent out all my cards early and updated everyone about O/H condition. The next decision is what about presents