He's gone .. any advice on how to cope with grief and relief?

[Florence.]

Hello.

I haven't posted for the last couple of months. My husband died last Wednesday 30 November. He had vascular dementia and was physically disabled. His dementia got much worse in August and three weeks ago he developed pneumonia. I knew when he was taken from here into hospital that I wouldn't be able to care for him at home any longer. It had all got too much, for him and for me. He was in the late medium stages about to enter the next stage, I felt. Events overtook us. He was in hospital for two and a half weeks and passed away peacefully last week. I knew it would happen, one day, even in the days leading up to his demise but the shock hit me like a truck. There was relief, that he wouldn't go on to fall apart in the final awful stages of dementia nor would he go into residential care. So relief at that but .. the grief.. I know it hasn't hit me yet and the funeral is on Thursday. How have others coped with these mixed feelings?

 

[Cat27]

Oh Florence I'm so sorry.
My dad died in October & I'm just trying to hold onto the fact that he's not suffering & not getting any worse.

 

[LadyA]

So sorry to hear of your loss, Florence. I think most of us have been there with the mixture of relief and grief. Relief for our loved ones, that their suffering is over and that dreadful, raw grief that we weren't quite expecting. We thought we were prepared for the loss. We thought that, they having been so ill for so long, and having been "slipping away" from us for so long, that this would have made it somehow easier to deal with that final parting. We thought that the grief of watching them suffer, and of losing them inch by inch over the years meant that we must have a lot of our grieving done already. And we were wrong. I think that grief was very real, but more for the person losing themselves while still with us, and for all they were suffering. And for all the years we had lost with them. But they are still with us. The grief that hits us when they finally die is completely different. That's grief for our own loss, the grief of the bereft.

There's no way around it but through it. It doesn't get better, but does get gentler, easier, with time. Right now, every day is a bad day. In time, there will be gaps between the bad days. And there will be good days. There will always be that empty space, but there will be good things.

Right now is the time to be very very kind and gentle with yourself. Take every bit of support and help offered. Take any opportunity for a nap. It's all part of healing. xx

 

[Amble]

Such a helpful comment Lady A

Lady A, your comment is so sensitive but utterly truthful and I hope you find it a help in the days and weeks to come Florence.


"No words can comfort all we can do
Is share your North face route with you.
No one can take your pain away
Or cut bereavement's journey short.
Perhaps you would not want them to
Your grief is all that's left to you
Of one so loved who could not stay.
All we can do is walk with you
And try to match our steps to yours.
Just keep on walking day by day .
But let us share that cold road too
To walk a little way with you "

( by Mary Sheepshanks)

 

[Scarlett123]

Hello.

I haven't posted for the last couple of months. My husband died last Wednesday 30 November. He had vascular dementia and was physically disabled. His dementia got much worse in August and three weeks ago he developed pneumonia. I knew when he was taken from here into hospital that I wouldn't be able to care for him at home any longer. It had all got too much, for him and for me. He was in the late medium stages about to enter the next stage, I felt. Events overtook us. He was in hospital for two and a half weeks and passed away peacefully last week. I knew it would happen, one day, even in the days leading up to his demise but the shock hit me like a truck. There was relief, that he wouldn't go on to fall apart in the final awful stages of dementia nor would he go into residential care. So relief at that but .. the grief.. I know it hasn't hit me yet and the funeral is on Thursday. How have others coped with these mixed feelings?

I'm so sorry to hear of your sad loss Florence. At the moment, your grief is as raw as it can be, and, from my own experience, the period prior to the funeral found me acting on auto pilot, ticking off Things To Be Done, and focusing on the funeral itself.

Part of me couldn't believe my husband had actually died, and I couldn't quite get a grasp on reality. It was after the funeral that things hit me, and like you, I was so relieved that my darling man didn't have to suffer any longer, but so grief stricken, as if one of my limbs had been amputated.

In a couple of weeks, it will be 2 years since he died, and things are better. I don't think there's a Richter Scale for coping, and some days are pitch dark, whereas others are not. The first time I laughed I felt guilty! But we all find our personal ways of coping, and we take one hour, one day or one week at a time.

For me, the kind folk on Talking Point were my lifeboat, and I now find time-fillers to help me through the days. Lately I've been supporting a friend who is very ill, with hospital visits when she's been an in patient, hospital transport when she's been an outpatient, and also singing Silent Night etc at umpteen charity concerts (I'm now a member of 2 Community Choirs), so my days are full.

In my case, the pain will never go, but the sharpness has gone, and the edges are now blurred, if you know what I mean. What works for one, may not work for another, but all we can do is try.

I wish you strength for the funeral and the difficult days ahead. xxx

 

[Amble]

Your comments are an inspiration to me and a positive sign that you/we are never alone even though it may feel like it.
I truly admire your generosity and compassion in sharing your feelings with such honesty.
Thank-you

 

[Angie1996]

So very sorry for your loss xxxx

 

[bemused1]

Florence I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died six months ago today and all I can say is, you cope as best you can.
There is no one way, we all have different ways. Hang on to the thoughts that your husband didn't suffer the worst that dementia can inflict.
I was able to keep my husband at home right to the end, although he needed 24/7 care. I hung on to that fact through the very worst. Although it left me with a guilt I am only just learning to live with, it was a comfort that it was his wish and I was able to give him his wishes.
So find that little voice that says, you spared him so much.
You will cope, we all do even when we think we can't. Just think about yourself and do whatever it takes to get you through the day and night.
There are many of us , past and present, standing with you and giving you strength.

 

[Amble]

He's Gone

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/personal-view/3593143/The-loss-never-lessens-and-yet-he-is-with-me-more-than-ever.html

You may or may not find this helpful. I thought it rather wonderful.

 

[Scarlett123]

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/personal-view/3593143/The-loss-never-lessens-and-yet-he-is-with-me-more-than-ever.html

You may or may not find this helpful. I thought it rather wonderful.

I read this, and found myself agreeing with so much. But, unlike the writer, I am envious. I envy couples who've never had this hateful third-party that is Alzheimer's, in their lives. I envy couples at the Garden Centre, discussing which shrub should go where.

I envy couples in the supermarket, in the GP's waiting room, on the bus, in a cafe. I envy couples. I even envy widows whose husbands died suddenly, or after a short illness because I lost mine, bit by bit, day by day, over 12 years and I am still angry that he was robbed of those years.

Apart from by best friend, I've never told anyone this, nailing a smile on my face when anyone asks how I am, but I know my Talking Point friends understand me. I have an appointment at the hospital today, and I know I will again have those feelings. I'll have them as I sit in the waiting room, as I sit in the consultants room, on the bus, and again when I get home, because there's no loving husband with me, anxious to know what is happening, or how things went.

But I shall tell him everything, in my mind, or out loud, and I'll tell my dog, and give him a cuddle, and then phone a couple of poorly friends, not to talk about myself, but about them. And that's another day I've got through.

 

[Meppershall]

Love and hugs to all of you who are dealing with the loss of a loved one, or those of us who are watching our loved ones slip away due to dementia. We are all so strong and deserving of so much more xxx

 

[Loopiloo]

Dear Florence, my heartfelt sympathy to you on the loss of your husband. It is hard and as you can see a number of us have lost our man to this horrible disease this year, over the last three years and previous years. My husband died in June, eight days after Bemused lost her husband. I am still struggling, as she is, and also others regardless of how long. There is no measure of how long it takes to get through any stage of grief.

I can’t add anything to what others had said and I can identify with much of it. We somehow get through the days one way or another if in different ways. I am ever grateful for TP and the wonderful people here who despite their own situations reach out and give caring comfort. We are all here for each other, don’t hesitate to write any time.

I wish you strength Florence, and somehow you will find it, and knowing that he is at peace can be enormously comforting.

Mixed feelings are part of it, especially at this time. Thinking of you and especially tomorrow, I hope all goes as you would wish.

Sympathy and empathy
Loo xxx

 

[Scarlett123]

Wishing you strength for today Florence. We are all with you, in spirit. xxx

 

[bemused1]

I echo Scarletts post Florence. This too shall pass. Xx

 

[Amble]

Scarlett 123
Please forgive me if posting the link about " The Loss Never Lessens" made things worse for you.
Your pain, anger, grief and so much more are so understandable, human and normal.
My heart aches that I cannot ease your pain in any way.
This is another poem especially for you.

“ Words For It”

by Julia Cameron



I wish I could take language
And fold it like cool, moist rags.
I would lay words on your forehead.
I would wrap words on your wrists.
"There, there," my words would say–
Or something better.
I would ask them to murmur,
"Hush" and "Shh, shhh, it's all right."
I would ask them to hold you all night.
I wish I could take language
And daub and soothe and cool
Where fever blisters and burns,
Where fever turns yourself against you.
I wish I could take language
And heal the wounds that were the words
You have no names for.

You are very much in my thoughts.
If I were your dog I would be giving you a giant hug back again.

 

[Scarlett123]

Scarlett 123
Please forgive me if posting the link about " The Loss Never Lessens" made things worse for you.
Your pain, anger, grief and so much more are so understandable, human and normal.
My heart aches that I cannot ease your pain in any way.
This is another poem especially for you.

You are very much in my thoughts.
If I were your dog I would be giving you a giant hug back again.

Sweetie, you haven't made things worse for me. Things are what they are, but I just can't stop feeling envious. If you imagine my feeling as "wistful envy", rather than "raging jealousy", perhaps I can convey things better.

That was the only thing I disagreed with in the article, everything else was so true and it was good of you to post it. My dog has been extremely generous in his lickings! xxx

 

[reddollyfood]

Oh Scarlett how your words echo my feelings just now which is one of the reasons I'm still awake at half past midnight. My darling old boy died 6 weeks ago - and i feel so alone although I have our daughters and other close family and friends I don't want to be with them. I feel robbed when I see other couples doing normal things together going shopping or choosing presents or just making each other a cup of tea. But when I feel so very sad I just look back at some of my posts when I turned to TP as I watched him suffer with this wicked illness that took him from me bit by bit and know that he isn't suffering any more and in some strange way it helps to counter my grief. We were together for 46 years and yet these last 6 weeks seems like ages.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[Scarlett123]

Oh Scarlett how your words echo my feelings just now which is one of the reasons I'm still awake at half past midnight. My darling old boy died 6 weeks ago - and i feel so alone although I have our daughters and other close family and friends I don't want to be with them. I feel robbed when I see other couples doing normal things together going shopping or choosing presents or just making each other a cup of tea. But when I feel so very sad I just look back at some of my posts when I turned to TP as I watched him suffer with this wicked illness that took him from me bit by bit and know that he isn't suffering any more and in some strange way it helps to counter my grief. We were together for 46 years and yet these last 6 weeks seems like ages.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

One of the most poignant things I ever read was that grief is the price you pay for loving too much. You are going through hell at the moment, as your grief is so terribly raw. I doubt there are many spouses who haven't felt some level of relief that their darling loved one isn't suffering any longer.

But how we all wish that this terribly thing, which you succinctly describe as a wicked illness, hadn't entered our lives, and that we too could be with our spouses, chatting about the mundane things that are the very fabric of life.

 

[Izzy]

Goodness. I don't know how I missed this thread until now. I'm so sorry for your loss Florence. I really can't add a thing to what's already been said. Others have described exactly how I feel.

At the end of December it will be 5 months since Bill died. I find that so hard to believe as it seems like only yesterday. Our 38th wedding anniversary will be on 29th December and I can't believe he won't be with me on that day.

I won't ever lose the pain of losing him. There are days that pain isn't so sharp now but it's always there. There are days when all I want to do is cry. But I can now (mostly) speak to people without crying.

My way of dealing with it is to keep busy. I need to have something planned every day. I often think people must think I have 'got over it' quickly but that's not true. I just have to deal with it this way and a lot of what I do is a front.

One of my dear friends lost her husband to dementia on Saturday. Now she's going through everything I experienced and am experiencing.

Having said I've nothing to add I'm rambling. That might be due to the time!

Support from my friends and my virtual friends here has helped so much. We just have to move through it as I think there is no getting over it. The support makes it easier.

Thinking of you and wishing you strength.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Scarlett123]

Izzy, I was stunned to hear it's been 5 months since Bill died. Like you, I have to keep busy, busy, busy. And like you, and a lot of us on here, we have become Oscar winning actresses, nailing on our bright smiles, and cheerful faces, because to let the mask slip, would result in tears, and then we would worry that we've made others feel uncomfortable.

If only they knew ......................