Does anyone have a solution to being phoned all the time?

[Kikki21]

I moved house at the end of August this year, I have got a landline phone number but I haven't given it to my mum....she does have my mobile phone number which she rings constantly, the record so far is 20 times a day.

I have 3 businesses plus work part time for 2 other jobs so I am incredibly busy and can't answer the phone to my mum all the time.

We have the same conversation over and over. She also gets very aggressive and accuses people of doing all sorts, usually stealing from her, the latest has been issues with her chequebook.

I was with her when she claimed it has been stolen but it wasn't stolen at all, it was where it usually is. As I found the chequebook then obviously to her mind, I am to blame as it is now "stolen" again. I have been away on business and have had to resort to blocking her number and then unblocking her number when I am less busy but she is still ringing away (it comes up on the TU go app I have)

I feel awful at doing this but I don't feel I have much choice.

I have suffered with depression this year due to my marriage breaking up and was prescribed anti depressants. I am now off medication & doing well off my meds but I am fearful that my mum may drag me back over the edge again and so I need to care about myself as well as her and somehow try to keep my sanity.

Can anyone advise what to do? You cannot reason with my mum. I have tried explaining to her that I am working throughout the day but she does not listen or doesn't want to understand and so keeps ringing me.

 

[Witzend]

It's very likely the case that she just can't remember having phoned you X times already.

What some people have done is have a separate, dedicated mobile for whoever is ringing, have a message on it to say that you are busy just now, but will speak later, and only answer at certain times every day.

Before she went into her care home my mother was ringing my brother up to 30 times in one hour. It was no use saying anything - she simply couldn't remember phoning him previously and would angrily deny it if anyone told her how many times she'd rung. For this reason we said absolutely not to a phone in her room at the CH - it was really beginning to affect my brother's health.

I do hope you find a solution - sadly this is quite a common problem.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

My mother also didn't remember that she had just called me.

I think Witzend's suggestion of a dedicated mobile is a very good one. Otherwise, continue to switch off your phone. As your mother probably doesn't remember calling you, she won't remember you didn't answer. So, please, don't feel guilty and work on keeping yourself calm and as little stressed as possible.

 

[nmintueo]

What some people have done is have a separate, dedicated mobile for whoever is ringing, have a message on it to say that you are busy just now, but will speak later, and only answer at certain times every day.

Exactly what I'd suggest. You cannot be on call all the time and must not feel guilty about that. And she evidently isn't able to control her calling.

Does it make any difference if you call her, rather than answering the phone when she calls you?

 

[mrjelly]

It's very likely the case that she just can't remember having phoned you X times already.........

On the plus side perhaps, is that if her Mum can't remember how many times she has called, then she probably won't remember how many times Kikki has not answered or trotted out the same excuse either.

 

[Digilux108]

My mother used to do this. The problem is that sadly, the neurological processes of dementia lead to this kind of repetitive behaviour.

One day in August 2013 I was up in Norfolk enjoying a peaceful day in the countryside, photographing Kingfishers. My mother, bless her, called me over 30 times. I did switch my mobile off for a while, but then I was concerned that something might happen - she had a few falls - so I switched the phone back on again.

If you have a caller ID then you should be able to screen the calls and answer only when you can. My mother sadly passed away in August, and to be honest the 30 calls a day seem very insignificant now.

 

[Amy in the US]

Another idea I've read, besides the dedicated phone (mobile or landline) is to record a greeting along the lines of "Hi, Mum, I am at work and can't talk right now. I will call you soon" or even just "Hi, Mum, I will talk to you soon." Since Mum is the only person with that number, no one else will hear it and it may be reassuring. Then what you do is delete all the voicemails without listening to them (or have someone else screen them for you, my mother used to leave vitriolic and horrible messages for me that never failed to upset me) and don't answer the phone, or even switch it off at times (so you can sleep, for example).

I have been there with the phone calls and they did eventually stop. Shortly after the calls stopped, we figured out my mother could no longer use the phone.

But it was terrible while it went on, phone calls at all hours and never a real emergency. It got so that I would burst into tears every time the phone rang. That got better after a while too.

There are a lot of older threads on this topic. If you like, I can have a search and post some links for you.

As I'm sure you know all too well, no, you cannot reason with dementia or your mother. You can't explain anything. You can't use logic or expect her to remember. It just doesn't work. Are you familiar with the Compassionate Communication techniques? It doesn't always work and isn't always possible, but many people find it helpful.

And yes, you do need to look after yourself, and not beat yourself up feeling guilty. It won't do you or your mother any good. It's so easy to say and so hard to do, but please do be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. It sounds like you are under a great deal of stress from various directions, and being a carer makes it all harder.

I wonder about contacting your therapist/counselor/doctor and asking about some counseling, and if they advise you to go back on the medications. It can't hurt to ask and you can always decide not to, if you want.

Very best wishes to you.

 

[Amy in the US]

Digilux, please accept my condolences on the recent death of your mother.

 

[JohnBG]

Look after yourself.

My mother phoned me 10 times consecutively in her mind it was an emergency which proved never to be the case. As you say phoned me up to tell me the same thing as the last time, also told me I had to pay the bill as my number was on it all the time.

Stay with the blocked aspect, get an emergency phone installed so that she can talk to someone not just you, I have been in this process for eighteen months, do what you can to support her needs while protecting yourself as you are important too.

John.

 

[Pear trees]

My mum used to phone me constantly throughout the day complaining she had no food and was being left to starve, no money as we were stealing it all, and no-one cared or visited her. I had to stop answering them when I saw her ID but text my SIL to check on her and I called her later. It was wearing to listen to the same accusations and nastiness every day.
She also used to push her panic button for the same reasons, and I had to explaino the callhandlers why she was doing it when they contacted me.
As her dementia progressed she forgot how to use both the phone and the button.

 

[Kikki21]

My mum used to phone me constantly throughout the day complaining she had no food and was being left to starve, no money as we were stealing it all, and no-one cared or visited her. I had to stop answering them when I saw her ID but text my SIL to check on her and I called her later. It was wearing to listen to the same accusations and nastiness every day.
She also used to push her panic button for the same reasons, and I had to explaino the callhandlers why she was doing it when they contacted me.
As her dementia progressed she forgot how to use both the phone and the button.

Thank you for all of your replies. I realise that feeling guilty about this process is all too common and that it is very wearing indeed.
Peartrees - I could have written your reply word for word as this is exactly what my mother does to me. She hasn't quite resorted to pushing her panic button just yet but that could be the next thing to happen.
My mum is also incredibly nasty to me. She was hideous on Christmas Eve & Christmas Day to the point where it reduced me to tears. She never sees anything positive, everything is negative.
I also got an irate phone call from one of my cousins who must have been drunk and he was moaning at me to get her gas cooker taken out as she shouldn't be cooking etc etc - this we know but we can't police this - all I can do and the support workers can do is keep reminding her NOT to attempt cooking but the dementia has made her even more stubborn.

 

[Shedrech]

hi Kikki21
the use of a gas cooker is a worry - there are switches that can be fitted so that the use of the cooker can be restricted - might be worth looking into, especially if you know a good gas fitter - wouldn't be too restrictive if your mum has others to cook her meals for her, and has an electric kettle to make warm drinks

 

[Pinkys]

Such a problem. Agreed, dedicated mobile, with really cheery and long message, so she experiences some contact with you. Then delete all messages. Your mum will not remember she has left a message. So don't worry.

My MiL may have won the prize. She rang a pal over 40 times one morning to check on arrangements for a meet up the following day, then the pal went out. She patiently and lovingly had dealt with all the calls but then told my MiL not to ring anymore, as she was going out. When she got back, her phone told her she had rung another 40 times.


Best of luck

 

[Amy in the US]

Pinkys, what a story! People who haven't visited Planet Dementia really have no idea, but it's all too familiar here. I think sometimes with this and other issues, we just have to do the best we can in a makeshift way, until the problem solves itself or it's no longer an issue. Eventually my mother stopped being able to use the phone, and then when she moved from assisted living to memory care (in US parlance), we didn't put a phone in her new room. She has never once asked us about it, or mentioned it, or had the nurses/staff ring us.

Kikki, I hope you're able to find a way to cope with the phone calls. I know those nasty ones (which I also used to get, oh, I was a terrible daughter, I'd stolen all her money, I'd dumped her in the care home to die and steal all her money and her house and so on and so forth--I don't know which was worse, the terrible daughter calls or the "what am I supposed to be doing?" calls) can really knock you for six. My mother used to leave abusive messages on the machine/voice mail/answerphone as well. Finally I got smart and had my husband screen them, instead of listening to them myself.

But I do hope you can find a coping mechanism.

Not to agree with the moaning drunken cousin, but I would suggest you find a way to disable the cooker sooner rather than later. There are past threads on that very topic, if you want me to have a search, but there are ways to make it less likely for your mum to switch it on, but still allow others to use it, and ways to disable it entirely but still leave it there (if removing the cooker isn't an option).

I say this out of concern for your mother, not to berate you or tell you what to do, and also out of my own guilt, as I allowed my mother to live with fire hazards long past the point where it was safe to do so, and also didn't take the car away soon enough. I am still haunted by the thought of what could have happened, to her and/or innocent victims. I'd prefer to spare you those oceans of guilt.

 

[Witzend]

Thank you for all of your replies. I realise that feeling guilty about this process is all too common and that it is very wearing indeed.
Peartrees - I could have written your reply word for word as this is exactly what my mother does to me. She hasn't quite resorted to pushing her panic button just yet but that could be the next thing to happen.
My mum is also incredibly nasty to me. She was hideous on Christmas Eve & Christmas Day to the point where it reduced me to tears. She never sees anything positive, everything is negative.
I also got an irate phone call from one of my cousins who must have been drunk and he was moaning at me to get her gas cooker taken out as she shouldn't be cooking etc etc - this we know but we can't police this - all I can do and the support workers can do is keep reminding her NOT to attempt cooking but the dementia has made her even more stubborn.

It's entirely possible that she just can't remember what she's been told. Beyond a certain stage my mother could not remember any instructions at all - not that I'm saying she wouldn't have ignored them out of stubbornness even if she could have.

I'm sorry you were reduced to tears over Christmas. I had a dementia-Christmas like that - horrible things were said - so I do so sympathise.

 

[Missie 1956]

I can fully sympathise with you on this. We have had up to 30 calls a day from mum. Usually start around mid afternoon. Same conversations and at times very sad other times sense anger in her voice.

She wanted to phone her late husband last night as she thought he was upset so she needed to help him before she went to bed. He died two years ago. She became frustrated slamming the phone down several times but still calling us back after a few minutes. We took several approaches but nothing reassured her.

i don't have any answers but some good ideas on here. Just good to share experiences. It does help! Thanks

 

[saskia]

I can fully sympathise with you on this. We have had up to 30 calls a day from mum. Usually start around mid afternoon. Same conversations and at times very sad other times sense anger in her voice.

She wanted to phone her late husband last night as she thought he was upset so she needed to help him before she went to bed. He died two years ago. She became frustrated slamming the phone down several times but still calling us back after a few minutes. We took several approaches but nothing reassured her.

i don't have any answers but some good ideas on here. Just good to share experiences. It does help! Thanks

Hi all

Just want to add

we are experiencing this as well - since mums dog was put to sleep 6 weeks ago -clearly a massive trauma for her -we experiacne anything from 5 missed calls a day to over 30.

We are now managing (along with my brother) to deal with the calls.

I'll answer 2/3 during the day (bear in mind i have also phoned her to see how she is)

& then in the evening, if we are at home, unplug landline for an hour and keep mobiles on silent and then if she has left a message i will call her back. This is so we can eat in peace!

Plug phone back in till 10.30 & the unplug again, mobiles on silent throughout the night.
My brother is happy to keep his phone on all the time as he seems to be firmer with mum & because she doesn't see him all the time like us - he can talk her round.

Does it worry me -yes all the time. I may miss a real emergency.

However, i have to be realistic as i drive 70 miles a day to/from work & leave at 7.00am for full time work and husband similiar.
My stress & anxiety levels are through the roof due to this horrid illness & my mum has become particulary nasty - but i do recognise i have my own life and mum (at the moment) is independent in her home.

The nasty calls are pretty much standard now - in fact, if she's nice -i worry!!

might help someone!

sas
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