Im lost without Linda

[Pete4-2day]

Hi All

I,d been looking after my wife for 8 yrs who recently passed away in my arms at home 21st Oct . The last 2 years were hard and i became isolated. Though when love,s involved i would have gone on for another 20 years. Thats of course if there was any real point. Because as everyone knows this illness beats you in the end. Though i was happy that id done my best to keep Linda as problem free as possible. It was hard because i was grieving each time Linda deteriorated that little bit further. I was hoping this would,nt be so severe as im experiencing now Linda,s gone. I cried solid for 4 weeks then felt i was becoming more settled. Until i see or do something that reminds me of her .Alzheimers takes your memory but to be left with mine has been horrible. Im just crying out for someone to tell me it will get better than this. Or there,s a quick solution to fix the pieces back together.

 

[Caroleca]

Oh Pete ...I could not just read and no reply. I am so so sorry for your loss....it is a terrible disease. It is late in the uk and I'm sure you will get some support soon...take care. Lots of hugs
Carole

 

[LYN T]

Pete, what you are feeling is completely 'normal'; yes, we feel grief when our LO slowly slips away from us as the Dementia takes over, but when they pass the grief escalates to a whole new level.

My late Husband never had 'contented Dementia'- he had all the 'bad' bits ( not actually sure there ever are any 'good' bits!). I used to wish that he would pass so his misery and pain would end. When that happened it was me that felt pain and misery and it's tough-very tough. Nearly two years on -anniversary of my Pete's passing is next week- and my grief remains. Sorry, that probably doesn't bring you any comfort, but I am finding coping mechanisms that takes the edge off.

You say that you have become isolated-very common when Dementia takes over-so perhaps you could address that first of all. Walking groups, voluntary work etc will give you a start, but I do know how difficult it is to motivate yourself when you feel so down. Caring for someone takes up so many hours it's difficult to replace all those hours with something else.

Do you think that counseling could be of help? Other people on this Forum have benefited from that so I hope they will be along later to point you in the right direction.

You have done the right thing in posting here as you will find lots of good advice and sympathy.

Another great thing that you did was to look after your Wife for so long; I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that you start to remember Linda as she was before the Dementia took hold.

Take care

Lyn T XX

 

[Bill Owen]

Im thre with you

hi all

i,d been looking after my wife for 8 yrs who recently passed away in my arms at home 21st oct . The last 2 years were hard and i became isolated. Though when love,s involved i would have gone on for another 20 years. Thats of course if there was any real point. Because as everyone knows this illness beats you in the end. Though i was happy that id done my best to keep linda as problem free as possible. It was hard because i was grieving each time linda deteriorated that little bit further. I was hoping this would,nt be so severe as im experiencing now linda,s gone. I cried solid for 4 weeks then felt i was becoming more settled. Until i see or do something that reminds me of her .alzheimers takes your memory but to be left with mine has been horrible. Im just crying out for someone to tell me it will get better than this. Or there,s a quick solution to fix the pieces back together.

hi im bill. I can not help you at this time .all i can say is .it will take time) i lost my wife in march this year. Feom lewyd body dem. Look after for 5 year . 1 year to day decmber 1 my wife went into day care has normal.sorry im dislix so bare with me . .only fall ill went into hospitel on that day decmber 1. Neavr came back home pass away 30 march this year .like you look after with love all what was needed to do to look after her. I did with full love . Now on my own .this is not a nice place to be rigth now ,has its crismas coming . All i can say its now 8 month since i lost delthy .no it going to take time lots of thing pop up in front of you out of the blue like smells place i have been to. Keep strong big cwtch from me if thats ok .

 

[Izzy]

Good morning and welcome to TP.

I just wanted to agree with the others.

I lost my husband at the end of July. I would be lying if I said it is better than it was but it's a little easier. I find it's one step forward and two steps back. Yesterday was a really bad day but I hope today will be a little better. It really is a roller coaster.

I'm glad you have shared on TP and hope that helps a little. I do think it's a matter of time and there's no quick fix. The experience of others here on TP helps me a lot and I hope it will help you.

 

[LadyA]

My husband died fifteen months ago. And yes, by now, the raw, gut wrenching, every day grief is not with me all the time. It surfaces now and then. And the sadness and grief is always there, in the background, sort of like one of those geysers in Yellowstone National Park. Nothing to see for ages, then something will trigger it, and Whoosh! you find it's still there after all! Takes you completely by surprise. Every time.

I did find though that for well over a year after William's death, I was so utterly exhausted. I had no interest - I was too tired to get an interest - in doing a lot. I just went with it. There were many naps, and there were not many projects completed. The sky did not fall. And to be honest, this second year has been very hard too. Everyone says "Once you have the first year over, - the first birthday, the first anniversary, the first Christmas - it gets better." A wise neighbour, also a widow, warned me that it doesn't. She said she had found that you end up focusing on getting all those "firsts" over, so things can "get better" - and of course, once the first year is over, you find your loved one is still dead. And that you are facing now probably many years - and that's really when, for me, there was a shift, I think, in my grieving. It moved from the rawness of new bereavement grieving to a more - I don't know - maybe a more accepting? sadness. Except of course for those times when something sets it off again.

But there are still bright days and life can hold enjoyment. I know - for all of us - that our loved ones would not want us to live defined by grief, but to take our courage in our hands and look the world in the eye. Changed by grief, but not defeated.
xx Hugs to you all, on this freezing December morning!

 

[Toddleo]

I felt so sad reading your post Pete, I just wanted to congratulate you on posting and facing up to things in this way. You have taken an important step in making lots of new friends-virtual and cyber friends perhaps, but lovely supportive folk who will be there for you night and day. Keep being strong and all the best.
Toddleo

 

[Pete4-2day]

Oh Pete ...I could not just read and no reply. I am so so sorry for your loss....it is a terrible disease. It is late in the uk and I'm sure you will get some support soon...take care. Lots of hugs
Carole

Thankyou Carole, Bless you x

 

[Cat27]

Please keep posting Pete as you'll get lots of support here.

 

[Meppershall]

Dear Pete x I hope you can find a way through this terribly sad time. I hope one day you will be able to smile at the lovely memories you have of your wife before this horrible disease took her from you. Thinking of you x

 

[Pete4-2day]

Pete, what you are feeling is completely 'normal'; yes, we feel grief when our LO slowly slips away from us as the Dementia takes over, but when they pass the grief escalates to a whole new level.

My late Husband never had 'contented Dementia'- he had all the 'bad' bits ( not actually sure there ever are any 'good' bits!). I used to wish that he would pass so his misery and pain would end. When that happened it was me that felt pain and misery and it's tough-very tough. Nearly two years on -anniversary of my Pete's passing is next week- and my grief remains. Sorry, that probably doesn't bring you any comfort, but I am finding coping mechanisms that takes the edge off.

You say that you have become isolated-very common when Dementia takes over-so perhaps you could address that first of all. Walking groups, voluntary work etc will give you a start, but I do know how difficult it is to motivate yourself when you feel so down. Caring for someone takes up so many hours it's difficult to replace all those hours with something else.

Do you think that counseling could be of help? Other people on this Forum have benefited from that so I hope they will be along later to point you in the right direction.

You have done the right thing in posting here as you will find lots of good advice and sympathy.

Another great thing that you did was to look after your Wife for so long; I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that you start to remember Linda as she was before the Dementia took hold.

Take care

Lyn T XX

Oh thankyou very much for your help Lyn,

Im sorry to hear you have been there too and still are to a point especially anniversaries. Its comforting to know others out there have been down this road. Though no one would wish this darn illness on anyone or their carers. Thanks for the being Normal and maybe ive been trying too hard to be just that. I do have a dog so go out each day talking to whoever i meet. Though last night i just crashed and today im lying in bed feeling miserable. its a lovely day too and will try to think positively on the good points. These things always happen in winter when you feel more enclosed. I pray that it picks up soon because no one wants to be like this. I see you are a Lyn too and wonder if you could be a double. Seriously though Lyn i really do appreciate your reply. Its people you that make it all worthwhile xx

 

[Pete4-2day]

hi im bill. I can not help you at this time .all i can say is .it will take time) i lost my wife in march this year. Feom lewyd body dem. Look after for 5 year . 1 year to day decmber 1 my wife went into day care has normal.sorry im dislix so bare with me . .only fall ill went into hospitel on that day decmber 1. Neavr came back home pass away 30 march this year .like you look after with love all what was needed to do to look after her. I did with full love . Now on my own .this is not a nice place to be rigth now ,has its crismas coming . All i can say its now 8 month since i lost delthy .no it going to take time lots of thing pop up in front of you out of the blue like smells place i have been to. Keep strong big cwtch from me if thats ok .

Hi Bill,

Im so sorry to hear that you,ve been there too and still are. The memories are the worst but i hope for both of us will fade as time moves on, Its the turmoil of mixed emotions that im trying to deal with. I feel so helpless and drained all the time and in bed. As for the crying i just cant stop . People tell me to just get involved and walking etc which im trying to do. I suppose i need to patient and let time heal the wound. I know its nothing short of what others are experiencing. Though when its happening to you its like its only you and no-one else. Delthy will always be with you in the memories you hold so dearly. God bless Big cwtch from me

 

[Pete4-2day]

Good morning and welcome to TP.

I just wanted to agree with the others.

I lost my husband at the end of July. I would be lying if I said it is better than it was but it's a little easier. I find it's one step forward and two steps back. Yesterday was a really bad day but I hope today will be a little better. It really is a roller coaster.

I'm glad you have shared on TP and hope that helps a little. I do think it's a matter of time and there's no quick fix. The experience of others here on TP helps me a lot and I hope it will help you.

Oh Izzy

Is,nt it a nightmare that recovery of such emotions takes time to heal. Im hearing this from a few on here that its like a roller coaster. Though im trying to get on and try not to isolate myself by going out walking the dog. Its like ive got no point in doing most things and today ive been in bed. I do hope that as time moves on it gets better for both of us. Its only been 4 months that Bill passed which is,nt long at all. I hope and pray that it gets better for both of us. This time of year does,nt help at all. I was afraid that when Linda passed i would have to go through this. So far its been hard and bare an open wound that needs to be healed. I need time to move on. thankyou so much for replying God bless Pete

 

[Izzy]

Thank you Pete. It's good to know that others with the same experience are here to support us all as we go.

 

[Pete4-2day]

My husband died fifteen months ago. And yes, by now, the raw, gut wrenching, every day grief is not with me all the time. It surfaces now and then. And the sadness and grief is always there, in the background, sort of like one of those geysers in Yellowstone National Park. Nothing to see for ages, then something will trigger it, and Whoosh! you find it's still there after all! Takes you completely by surprise. Every time.

I did find though that for well over a year after William's death, I was so utterly exhausted. I had no interest - I was too tired to get an interest - in doing a lot. I just went with it. There were many naps, and there were not many projects completed. The sky did not fall. And to be honest, this second year has been very hard too. Everyone says "Once you have the first year over, - the first birthday, the first anniversary, the first Christmas - it gets better." A wise neighbour, also a widow, warned me that it doesn't. She said she had found that you end up focusing on getting all those "firsts" over, so things can "get better" - and of course, once the first year is over, you find your loved one is still dead. And that you are facing now probably many years - and that's really when, for me, there was a shift, I think, in my grieving. It moved from the rawness of new bereavement grieving to a more - I don't know - maybe a more accepting? sadness. Except of course for those times when something sets it off again.

But there are still bright days and life can hold enjoyment. I know - for all of us - that our loved ones would not want us to live defined by grief, but to take our courage in our hands and look the world in the eye. Changed by grief, but not defeated.
xx Hugs to you all, on this freezing December morning!

Hi ladyA

Thankyou for replying to me, Ive been in bed most of today without much point to get up. I know maybe its not the best thing to do. Im so drained at the moment and hard to hear so many sad stories on here. I was,nt looking forward to Linda passing because i was fearing bereavement more. I knew that it would lead to another problem of healing this open wound im experiencing. The yearning, wrenching,sadness,lonliness,depression etc etc. Its a roller coaster .I do hope & pray it get better for you than what your experiencing too. I see im not alone with others sad postings which helps somewhere. I will try and put on a smile and learn from all on here that they need us too God Bless

 

[Pete4-2day]

I felt so sad reading your post Pete, I just wanted to congratulate you on posting and facing up to things in this way. You have taken an important step in making lots of new friends-virtual and cyber friends perhaps, but lovely supportive folk who will be there for you night and day. Keep being strong and all the best.
Toddleo

Hi Toddleo

Thankyou for your mail -- Yes its a roller coaster ride of emotions that i pray will subside and been in bed exhausted again today. Tomorrow is another day and glad i can talk to someone who,s been in the same situation. It makes one realize you are not alone God Bless Pete

 

[Pete4-2day]

Please keep posting Pete as you'll get lots of support here.

Thankyou Cat xx

 

[Pete4-2day]

Dear Pete x I hope you can find a way through this terribly sad time. I hope one day you will be able to smile at the lovely memories you have of your wife before this horrible disease took her from you. Thinking of you x

Thankyou very much, I hope and pray it gets better than this. though good to know im not alone Pete

 

[Red66]

Hi Pete, I read your post and didn't want to ignore it. My Dad passed in August so I only know how it feels as a daughter to lose her father. Which I know is completely different than losing your husband/wife. I feel that as a carer caring for someone for so long you don't have time to deal with each 'issue', you just get on with things and your own thoughts have to get put on hold. Then we have to go through the ordeal of watching our loved ones dying right before our eyes. That's a lot to deal with, forgive me for being intrusive but perhaps you may find it beneficial to speak with your doctor.

As a stranger it saddens me that you are staying in bed, so I can well imagine Linda wouldn't want you to do that. You mustn't, you have to carve out a new normal, I know it's easier said than done, but ultimately that's what will keep you strong in the end. Time isn't a healer, but you will find over time things will get slightly easier. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I wish you strength, focus on the day to day, don't be thinking of the future as such. Take it one day at a time, worrying won't help anyone. Red xx

 

[Jinx]

Hi Pete, I'm really sorry to read of the loss of your wife and how hard you are finding it. I lost my husband in March, a very similar story to Bill's. My husband went into hospital at the beginning of October last year, one of many stays in hospital but he then went straight into care because of his declining mobility and extra needs and died on 19th March. I can't really add much to what everyone else has said but if you could find some interest that would get you out of the house and allow you to socialise a bit it might help. A cwtch from me too.


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