My mother has dementia and a new partner

[bumblefeet]

Alarm bells here too. If your mum didn't like cooking, and 'has' to prepare meals for him now, that's not good. Sounds like he's clearly out for himself.

As another has posted, trust your gut instinct.

 

[nicoise]

It also sounds as though he is fond of a drink or two - or many more

Which can be fine, but not if you're supposed to be the sensible one keeping an eye on a person with dementia.

I've known a heavy drinker or two in my lifetime, and there is often an element of charm and a convincing story, but it all boils down to drink coming number one in life, and ultimately being irresponsible and bad with money, along with being bad at relationships and neglecting people who should take priority.

So I'm in the "no" camp along with the majority.

 

[Shedrech]

hi piglingbland
I'll be blunt,
if this were my mum I'd be majorly concerned - and to me, she is giving you every signal she can that she is not in control of this situation and doesn't really want this relationship

1 = Mum had already said she wouldn't want to take him away from his daughters

2 = She'd had odd male friends since my dad died but never had anyone to stay over and always said she didn't want another physical relationship

3 = When I phone her and ask if he's there she usually can't remember who he is

4 = Mum remembered nothing of it

The night he was so drunk is a foretaste of what will become a regular feature if he stays around - his daughters seem to have no influence over him, so will be no help to you - in fact they seem to want to shift responsibility for him onto you and your brother
your poor mum deserves better than this - if she can forget the antics of that night, given half a chance she will forget him

is there no way your mum can spend more time with you or you with her so that she is rarely on her own with him
and at Christmas, can she stay over with you or your brother so there is no-one at her house should this man turn up

I really think you and your brother are bending over backwards too far to not interfere in your mother's life and be 'charitable' to this man who is close to abusing your mother - personally, I'd risk a scene now and deal with him - if he becomes threatening then the police will not take kindly to him causing problems to a vulnerable adult, which is what your mum is

your mum deserves a peaceful, family Christmas

 

[Witzend]

I would do everything possible to keep this man away.
I don't like to be the bearer of Awful Warnings, but I do know someone whose father with dementia was turned against his previously very close family by a woman who was supposed to be his carer. She subsequently got him to marry her (in secret), and got him to change his will entirely in her favour, and it was a substantial estate.
Since he had not been officially deemed to lack capacity, there was nothing they could do.
They did go to court, but the woman was so clever and plausible that they lost the case.

There are some extremely unscrupulous people about.

 

[RedLou]

We had one of those moving in on my father when she realised he was getting confused. I found her going through his bank statements once. She disappeared when she realised I was managing his finances and he didn't have a cheque book anymore. I suspect your vulture will disappear if you can make him realise there's nothing in it for him. It's easy to think of your parent as an adult and not want to take away their liberty but to me the key is in if they would have acted this way when healthy and what they would have thought and said about the same situation happening to another.

 

[Bunpoots]

I agree. The more I read about this man the worse he sounds. He's a drunk! That's the last thing your mum needs. Get her away from him, change the locks, let the police know. You really don't want someone like that hanging around.

As others have said - is there anyway to take her away from home over Christmas?

I would be very concerned. Good luck!

 

[Risa]

Hi Piglingbland

I would say forget being charitable, you don't owe this man anything and he has his own family to turn to. Your Mum is a vulnerable adult and you are right to want to protect her. You are obviously getting a bad vibe from him so trust your instincts and tell him goodbye.

 

[Moonflower]

I think your mum needs protecting from this man - and to be honest, although it's really hard to do this now, it will be a lot harder if you wait and he moves in/gives up his existing accommodation. Once he has the status of her "partner" he could be very difficult to shift. I would be inclined to have a firm word with his daughter, and if at all possible invite your mum to stay with you/your siblings over Christmas. Change the locks/make sure he doesn't have a key.

 

[carlton ann]

Sorry to ask but you say he stays over, without being too intrusive should you be worried about any STI issues? Sorry again.

 

[piglingbland]

Sorry to ask but you say he stays over, without being too intrusive should you be worried about any STI issues? Sorry again.

Hi, sorry I laughed at this, it hadn't even crossed my mind to be honest, though I suppose it should have done. Thank you for asking though.

 

[piglingbland]

I think your mum needs protecting from this man - and to be honest, although it's really hard to do this now, it will be a lot harder if you wait and he moves in/gives up his existing accommodation. Once he has the status of her "partner" he could be very difficult to shift. I would be inclined to have a firm word with his daughter, and if at all possible invite your mum to stay with you/your siblings over Christmas. Change the locks/make sure he doesn't have a key.

Yes, certainly it would be easier to stop it now rather than wait until something more permanent happens.

 

[piglingbland]

Oh, sounds as if it's time for tough love to protect your mother, exactly as you would care for a child when they fall into the wrong company. If you could find a way to break the spell, i.e. keep them apart for two or three weeks then that might just do the trick. Otherwise you may well end up with two patients to look after. Your mum might well forget him altogether if she hasn't seen him for a couple of weeks. You are right it's so difficult, I never envisaged so many problems with mum and as soon as one problem was sorted, another would crop up. You can buy phones which allow 'permitted' calls through. I still have a guilt complex about installing this but I'm sure it saved mum a lot of grief. Sometimes, instead of sidestepping someone it's best just to be honest and tell this guy the truth, your mum is ill and can't cope with any extra hassle. I can't help thinking that if he were a true friend then he would be content to take your mum shopping or for lunch and not need to stay over, it seems as if he is taking advantage. The 'go away' message is probably better coming from your brother. Sorry if I am suspicious of him, you are the best judge as you see him regularly, Trust your instincts. Best wishes.

Thank you, several people have said he would act more kindly and with more consideration if he were a true friend or gentleman and that has really made me think more about his motives and how much he actually cares about her.

 

[piglingbland]

hi piglingbland
I'll be blunt,
if this were my mum I'd be majorly concerned - and to me, she is giving you every signal she can that she is not in control of this situation and doesn't really want this relationship

1 = Mum had already said she wouldn't want to take him away from his daughters

2 = She'd had odd male friends since my dad died but never had anyone to stay over and always said she didn't want another physical relationship

3 = When I phone her and ask if he's there she usually can't remember who he is

4 = Mum remembered nothing of it

The night he was so drunk is a foretaste of what will become a regular feature if he stays around - his daughters seem to have no influence over him, so will be no help to you - in fact they seem to want to shift responsibility for him onto you and your brother
your poor mum deserves better than this - if she can forget the antics of that night, given half a chance she will forget him

is there no way your mum can spend more time with you or you with her so that she is rarely on her own with him
and at Christmas, can she stay over with you or your brother so there is no-one at her house should this man turn up

I really think you and your brother are bending over backwards too far to not interfere in your mother's life and be 'charitable' to this man who is close to abusing your mother - personally, I'd risk a scene now and deal with him - if he becomes threatening then the police will not take kindly to him causing problems to a vulnerable adult, which is what your mum is

your mum deserves a peaceful, family Christmas

Thank you again, I know that if she didn't see or hear from him for a few days she would forget who he is. It's hard thinking of her as vulnerable but I realise that is what she has become and his behaviour is not helping her at all. As you say, I think we have to bite the bullet now rather than waiting until it gets worse.