My wife is increasingly paranoid, seeing underlying motives in everything I do or say and I can only relax when she is asleep. I am on edge all the time. It is wearing me out. I am tired, lethargic and on the edge of exploding all the time. I used to play golf. Not any more. I like going out to take photographs. Not any more. I just seem to sit here waiting for something to happen.I try to 'get up and go' but something holds me back. The only activity I manage is when I manage to get her organised and out to walk the dog. This sounds like it's all about me. I know how horrible it must be for her living with her condition, but she's driving me to the point where I'll be no use to her.
Constant aggro
- Thread starter th3cl4rk
- Start date
Hello th3, welcome to Talking Point, you have come to the right place for help and advice, has your wife been diagnosed with Alzheimers or Dementia, if not you need to see your GP, he/she will refer you to the Memory clinic, sounds like you are at your wits end, you need to get some day care or respite, if not you will have carer's breakdown, thats what happened to me, now my husband is in a care home, it was a very difficult time, but l do have a life now. Please seek help.
I do hope that you have a diagnosis for your wife and that you can get some help. PWD exhibit a wide range of behaviours that can make life really difficult for their carers.
But I know how you feel having to deal with paranoia and how awful it is having to walk on eggshells all the time. Paranoia is the worst part of OH's disease and I never know when I am going to be accused of all sorts of things. He says I steal from him and hide stuff from him, that I stole the car even though it was still sitting there in the garage, that because I have put some of his dirty clothes in the wash I have been sneaking through his things, that I am to blame because his horse ran second in the Melbourne Cup, and it just goes on and on.
I don't take the accusations personally but find the animosity that goes with them hard to live with. It really tries my patience and when I sometimes have a meltdown, then I am 'being ridiculous' as he puts it.
Please let us know a little more about your situation and there maybe someone along who can help you.
But I know how you feel having to deal with paranoia and how awful it is having to walk on eggshells all the time. Paranoia is the worst part of OH's disease and I never know when I am going to be accused of all sorts of things. He says I steal from him and hide stuff from him, that I stole the car even though it was still sitting there in the garage, that because I have put some of his dirty clothes in the wash I have been sneaking through his things, that I am to blame because his horse ran second in the Melbourne Cup, and it just goes on and on.
I don't take the accusations personally but find the animosity that goes with them hard to live with. It really tries my patience and when I sometimes have a meltdown, then I am 'being ridiculous' as he puts it.
Please let us know a little more about your situation and there maybe someone along who can help you.
Hello th3cl4rk
It really sounds as if the time has come for your wife to go to day care or for you to get someone in so you can have a break.
I`m afraid you may have to stand your ground and insist you get a break no matter what your wife thinks about your intentions. So many of us leave getting help until it is too late and suffer the consequences.
I remember allowing my husband to make the decisions, simply because I felt so sorry for him but now with hindsight I realise I could have got help in so much earlier.
He refused to go to day care so I was allowed Direct Payments to help get agency carers in. They came in the guise of helping me with the cleaning so in effect they came to help me, rather than help my husband. Perhaps this would work for you.
It really sounds as if the time has come for your wife to go to day care or for you to get someone in so you can have a break.
I`m afraid you may have to stand your ground and insist you get a break no matter what your wife thinks about your intentions. So many of us leave getting help until it is too late and suffer the consequences.
I remember allowing my husband to make the decisions, simply because I felt so sorry for him but now with hindsight I realise I could have got help in so much earlier.
He refused to go to day care so I was allowed Direct Payments to help get agency carers in. They came in the guise of helping me with the cleaning so in effect they came to help me, rather than help my husband. Perhaps this would work for you.
It sounds like you are on the verge of a breakdown. There maybe daycare she could go to to give you a break. My husband goes one day a week to an Age Uk day care and he loves it. He didn't want to go at first. It does cost 50£ but I use the AA. I get it paid to me as I know he wouldn't pay it as he thinks he hasn't any money.
He has been very hard work. He insisted on driving and nearly turned the car over in an accident that he blamed me for as I must've been talking to him he said. I took him to doctors and we had his license taken off him. He still blames me for that. He is taking memantine and is a bit better and reasonable at the moment. But we still have a few tantrums. It is very difficult for you as I do feel hepless and depressed myself a lot of the time. I a work 3 days per week and he just about copes and it keeps me sane. Although I wonder what I will be coming home to. He is fine on the day he goes to daycare as he has had company all day. He has mixed dementia Alzheimer's and vascular dementia
Diagnosed in August but had it years before that just not as bad.
My wife became very paranoid about "the biker gang" that were everywhere including disguised as old ladies in Costa. She was in tears from the paranoia.
After a visit from the mental health nurse she was prescribed an anti psychotic drugs, and after a while the difference was incredible. The gang are still around, but in small numbers and they don't worry her any more.
I was concerned about this format of medication, but was so pleased it was prescribed.
I can now go out with no drama's on my return (like the car was stolen, even though it was on the drive).
As others have said you must get help. It's out there, you just have to ask.
Stay strong.
After a visit from the mental health nurse she was prescribed an anti psychotic drugs, and after a while the difference was incredible. The gang are still around, but in small numbers and they don't worry her any more.
I was concerned about this format of medication, but was so pleased it was prescribed.
I can now go out with no drama's on my return (like the car was stolen, even though it was on the drive).
As others have said you must get help. It's out there, you just have to ask.
Stay strong.
Hi thp, and welcome to TP from me. My situation is very similar to yours, with frequent physical violence thrown in for good measure. Living in a spot where social services are conspicuous by their absence, we're very much on our own. Adult children who were known as the invisibles stepped up to the mark when I had a carer meltdown and ended up in hospital late September, and have been very helpful since. My wife, their mother, is still very strong physically, and they too have now experienced the anger and violence she is capable of. In her good moments she can be sweet as pie. Our geriatric consultant has prescribed a drug called 'quetiapine' in the UK, where I see from the information leave?dg
Reading these replies I'm wondering if my husband needs some more medication for aggressive outbursts and paranoia. He takes memantine now but has aggressive outbursts. He has shouted at his 98 year old cousin I don't know why but he says she is jealous of him! She was upset. Over the last 4 years he has said hurtful things to her. She is a bit feisty and takes him on. I have explained to her that is the worst thing to do as he is not reasonable and paranoid. She understands now. He shouted at me for buying a new washer. He constantly complains about too many cars on the roads. It was trees a few months ago. He is suspicious of me and follows me around the house asking what I am doing.
Hi th
Yes I know exactly where you are coming from.What people forget is the carers life finish's as 24/7 care is exactly that and having done all you can all I could do was sit in a chair.
All my interests went by the board and I found even reading a book difficult.
When it all got too much I had to put my O/H in a Nursing home.( Another awful story )
but even now having my freedom back I am racked by guilt and feel I should be there with her.
others tell me that they are in there own little bubble that has no connection with real life
We think we can keep going but we cannot. I found the lack of sleep awful having to get up in the night to see she did not fal lover.
The verbal aggression and accusations I found more difficult to cope with than the physical aggression ,but now I miss her terribly and everything in our home reminds me off her
So it sounds like you have reached the stage where you have to consider your own health and look for help- carers or care home .
it is an awful decision to make and I feel for you, so consider your self, I thought I was superman but none of us are
Take care
I'm with you th3, very similar circumstances in a different social and cultural environment. Had to visit geriatric surgery without Mrs. malomm today (about 20 miles and she refused to get in car. no 2 son took her in charge). Her consultant reconfirmed 2 x 25 gram quetiapine tablets a day for next 6 months. This drug, by Sandoz, is very effective for paranoia and anger outbursts, and on my literature is shown as being approved and available in the UK. All the best regards, and keep smiling if you can.
