Frustration... help, how do I tame it!!

[Trixxie]

Hello, I've not been on here for a while, so to do a quick recap, my hubby was diagnosed with Alzheimer's two years ago at the age of 54 here we are two years later and it has progressed quicker than we'd thought. So for example this morning he put the bins out but they don't go out until Monday, so he's a few days early as it's Thursday!! Today in his dosset box he has taken all of Friday's tablets, today is Thursday! he desperately wanted to try and cook the evening meal so I let him (with instructions) and he over cooked everything! I help him as much as I can and he replies to me "don't talk to me like a child" & "you treat me like I am thick or stupid" & "you talk to me so slow like I'm from another country"!!!!
I understand the disease and I know he doesn't mean it when he's talks to me in that way, but that's not really the problem, my problem is my frustration, I am really struggling with how to keep calm when every day he gets things wrong and I have to put them right. When he gets things wrong I don't always correct him because I know that's not the right thing to do, he doesn't know he's got them wrong, he doesn't understand that's ok I get it. My frustration is getting me down and I'm feeling bad about my attitude. I have tried relaxation techniques, I am trying to hold down my job as well, I have tried switching off sometimes but when the 'mistake' has been made I could just scream.... sometimes I actually do!
Any advice please, tell me where I'm going wrong, tell me how I could make it better, tell me how to be a better carer!!
Thank you in advance
Trixxie xxx



Live life to the max!!

 

[hodge]

You are not on your own

I am experiencing the same frustrations so believe me I know exactly where you are coming from. I have tried my hardest to analize my feelings and the best I have come up with in my case is that our marriage was never the best to begin with, so resentment can creep in, also acceptance has been very difficult for me personally. We none of us want to be in a situation where our life as we knew it has been totally turned upside down and will never be the same again and it makes you feel angry and resentful even though you know it's not their fault, but we are only human, all that said, the feelings and emotions we have can make us feel incredibly guilty. In the end, as you say, you start to feel guilty about not being a good carer, but we have to stop and remind ourselves of all the good things we do on a daily basis and the support we are giving to help our OH remain independent in their own home. Our feelings are often hurt by some of the things they say and it can make you feel worthless and somehow we manage to dust ourselves down and carry on. Believe me you are doing a great job, you are just being human, and not the only one who feels that way.

Love and strength
xx

 

[irismary]

Its so hard isn't it. I hold it together for a while, think I've cracked it then something happens maybe just a tiny thing and I lose the plot and have a meltdown. I remember being advised to accept, adapt and accommodate but its now gone way beyond that. I don't think you can ever not get frustrated from time to time but I know I feel better if I have had some time to myself either an hour in the gym or an evening out with friends. You do need some "you" time to take the edge off. Do you get some support? If not start soon.

 

[canary]

If you find the answer can you tell me too?
I think this is something we all struggle with. We are human not superman/wonder woman and we can only do our best. If you are working too that is doubly hard - Ill bet you dont get much "me time".

 

[Guzelle]

I feel the same, me time is hard as no one wants to be left alone with a dementia patient. I work 3 days per week term time only but he hates being alone on those days so I hardly ever go out without him. I do try and get to the local beauty salon foe a pedicure and eyebrows as he knows he can't come with me but he does try and says he can wait but I talk him out of it. I'd love a holiday but he has been horrible on the last few short breaks we have been on and I am on edge all the time. The noise upsets him in the dining room and evening entertainment we can't watch as he gets too upset with the noise. I just feel trapped. I can't go anywhere on my own and relax anymore!

 

[rhubarbtree]

Agree all the above comments. We had the rubbish kerfuffle this morning. For last few weeks I have been searching for 'lost' recycling which I conscientiously store indoors all week. Turns out OH has started putting it all in with the general rubbish on collection day. It is so hard to take on board that the correct system is beyond his understanding. But I do take it on board and am getting better at asking myself how much it matters. OH still likes to clear up after mealtimes but has recently started washing bits up instead of putting them in the dishwasher. The tea towel is screwed up and damp and the dishwasher half empty. Not economical or hygienic. So now I hover and interfere, trying to keep it light.

I too do a lot of analysing and wonder why I can't be kind and easy going like other people. I sometimes wonder if my OH would be happier in a care home, that is the only other option, because he certainly wouldn't survive on his own even with carers. But I know he would want to stay with me. So we soldier on.

Have been thinking about guilt a lot lately. During my mother's last year she became quite needy but the burden was shared between us three sisters and I think we did care for her well. However, I still feel guilty about a couple of occasions when I didn't respond with enough love or compassion. And now I wonder how guilty am I going to feel at the end of this Alzheimer's journey?

Me time. Mmm. My idea of me time is going to day/evening classes. This is the first September I haven't enrolled for anything at all. Missed so many lectures, sessions last year for one crisis or another I decided not to bother this year to avoid my feelings of resentment.

Trixxie, you are not alone and I cannot tell you how to be a better carer because I am not, and do not know the answer. A recent post on here has given me food for thought saying think about how the PWD feels, would you like to walk in their shoes. It also mentioned praising their efforts and smiling more. Have been trying this in last few days.

Thanks for starting a thoughtful post.

 

[Alison N]

I, too agree with all of the above. At the time of whatever is going wrong I think that we all feel we are the only ones that can't deal with the situation in a controlled way. We also have the rubbish problem, so much so, that I have now taken over as it keeps the frustration levels under control. What I can't fathom out is that sometimes he can take the pills or do the drying up without a problem or get dressed without help and other times he doesn't know what to to do. With me, I think that it is still a bit of denial and that is why I get cross. I see my husband slowly turning into someone different to the person I married and it is so difficult to accept. The person that I once relied on to do things I couldn't is now the person that can't do those things. Gradually our lives are changing into something that I don't want and am fearful for the future as I know we all are on TP. I visioned our retirement as enjoying life with holidays and lots of time to do the things we enjoyed and it has all been taken away.

Trixxie, you are not doing anything wrong, you are just trying to deal with a horrible situation that you have no experience of. Try going into another room when you feel like screaming and take a deep breath. It sometimes works for me and your OH probably won't even realise.

Alison x

 

[rhubarbtree]

Look at the hours we are keeping. Me nearly midnight, Alison 5 a.m. Wonder what 8 hours feels like?

 

[Alison N]

Look at the hours we are keeping. Me nearly midnight, Alison 5 a.m. Wonder what 8 hours feels like?

I wonder, but it is the only time I have to myself and it is very precious. I see lots of TPers on line very late or very early. Perhaps it comes with the territory.

 

[Trixxie]

Thank you all so much for your lovely replies, I can see they are all similar! Bless you ladies xxx


Live life to the max!!

 

[Gwyneth]

I, too agree with all of the above. At the time of whatever is going wrong I think that we all feel we are the only ones that can't deal with the situation in a controlled way. We also have the rubbish problem, so much so, that I have now taken over as it keeps the frustration levels under control. What I can't fathom out is that sometimes he can take the pills or do the drying up without a problem or get dressed without help and other times he doesn't know what to to do. With me, I think that it is still a bit of denial and that is why I get cross. I see my husband slowly turning into someone different to the person I married and it is so difficult to accept. The person that I once relied on to do things I couldn't is now the person that can't do those things. Gradually our lives are changing into something that I don't want and am fearful for the future as I know we all are on TP. I visioned our retirement as enjoying life with holidays and lots of time to do the things we enjoyed and it has all been taken away.

Trixxie, you are not doing anything wrong, you are just trying to deal with a horrible situation that you have no experience of. Try going into another room when you feel like screaming and take a deep breath. It sometimes works for me and your OH probably won't even realise.

Alison x

You are all describing my situation with my husband exactly and at the moment it certainly isn't much fun. I haven't felt the need to post much but we do seem to be dipping a bit lately but it does so ebb and flow enormously with happy days and then days that are awful. I think the hardest thing is losing the normal chit chat we used to have between us. I am apparently always interfering, criticising, bossing him about, always showing him how perfect I am......so it goes on almost abusively, gradually weakening my resolve to be a good carer, patient, supportive and understanding, which I probably am but easily able to snap sometimes when tired and ground down. My husband seems to have a very short fuse, flares up, would probably hit me if I retaliated, pushs me out and shuts or slams doors on me. It is not difficult to feel shocked and humiliated by this behaviour which I have never experienced before. I do hope it passes soon. We have just been to Gran Canaria with two good friends for a week. Generally good and worked but an eye opener for them to experience the memory loss, the inability to process info, the repetition, the child play that is used as a cover up, the slight loss of social etiquette in saying thank you when the rest of us have fetched and carried for him etc. It is hard to shrug it off and tell myself to forgive and forget, it is Al causing it not him but when my husband can be more 'normal' in his behaviour at times it is very confusing. What a learning curve we go through!!!! Incidentally we went to a place that was very special to us as my husband proposed 30 years ago, but he had no memory of any of it, or at least never mentioned it. Sad really. I just hang in and know he would be lost without me.