What tother do

Anita Mehdi

Registered User
Jul 11, 2016
21
0
My lovely Dad passed awayour in August. He was myour world. I spent 12 days with him in hospital on a camp bed, making sure he felt secure, loved and not in any discomfort or pain. My brother and invisable went to Spain on holiday the day after the consultant told me that he had between 3 days and 2 weeks to live. His wife visited before she left and all she could say was have you thought about who you are going to phone when anything happens? I thought she meant my brother or their children, no which funeral organisation!!!! I have been a constant for both parents. My Mum said recently how I looked after Dad at the end and he replied no the hospital did! He needed a familiar face although he didn't know me , I know he knew I was someone who cared for him and loved him.
My problem is my Mum, who has early dementia has said she wants to change her will to my benefit. I do believe she knows what she is saying, but if I accept our know there will be such a back lash. I have said this, but she said I don't care. My problem is she won't have to deal with it I will. I am so torn, she keeps insisting that this is what she wants and whathe my Dad would of wanted. I love them both sides very much and want to the right thing what do I do, my brother will say she was diagnosed with dementia and didn't know what she was doing. Just want to do what my parents wanted. Advice please. X
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,962
0
Kent
Hard to lose your lovely dad but you have been a caring loving daughter when he needed you and as your mum's needs increase I hope you are giving time to yourself also. I would say a diagnosis of early dementia doesn't mean that a new will could be challenged if she still has clarity and good mental capacity to make such a decision so if she feels strongly about changing her will and her reasons then she should but be prepared for the inevitable challenge after she dies.I have prepared my own and for other family their straightforward wills but in this instance I would use a solicitor who can also advise you on the matter. You are probably right though in thinking your brother and invisables won't be happy and most probably hurt if they are told the reasons because in my experience invisables think they are doing things to help when in practice they do nothing, whether they are told now or when the will is actioned after your mum died so that is something you will have to deal with. It will probably sour your relationship with your brother further. However I feel that a will should exactly set out the deceased wishes and if that means she wants to cut someone out it is up to her provided she has the mental capacity to do so.Do you have poa finance for your mum? Hopefully if not she can arrange so you can help her when the time comes that she is unable to do things herself.That could be an added problem perhaps in ma king sure you are seen not to be influencing your mums decision which of course you aren't but may be required to justify when the time comes.
 
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Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
5,680
0
Midlands
Step back, it would be easy to assume that if you 'facilitated' mum making this change, that you had some way orchestrated it.

If your mother has capacity to change her will, do so through a solicitor, and get someone impartial to take her, let the solicitor decide if she has capacity or not

Stay out of it, and if you can, decline to even talk about it
 

Anita Mehdi

Registered User
Jul 11, 2016
21
0
Thank you for your reply. I have no power of attorney and feel it's something I'm wary of, it could be said I'm taking things without Mum's authority! I'm just do hurt, didn't think things could get any worse than losing my Dad. All my life I have been so close to my parents. I had three children and twins aged 2 when my husband had an affair. My parents were my rock. X
 

Anita Mehdi

Registered User
Jul 11, 2016
21
0
Thank you, while I was in hospital with Dad you all were a life line. Just feeling so sad that I have more issues after what was my worst nightmare.
 

Anita Mehdi

Registered User
Jul 11, 2016
21
0
Not coping

Has anyone got any experience with bereavement counselling? Just don't know where to turn.
 

Beetroot

Registered User
Aug 19, 2015
360
0
Cruse for bereavement counselling here:

http://www.cruse.org.uk/

or speak to your GP.

Re the will, get Mum to use a member of "Solicitors for the elderly" website here:

http://www.sfe.legal/public/welcome

Members should have experience of this sort of problem - as has already been said, if you are seen to interfere, it is open to claim your mother's new will was made under "undue influence" thus rendering it invalid. If your brother he wanted to pursue the matter, he'd have to take it to court and it would be up to him to provide evidence that the will isn't valid. Just saying it can't be valid because mum had dementia is not going to be enough.

That said, life and difficult decisions are always much, much harder after a major bereavement. Emotions run high and things that would not normally be said, or even thought, get said in the heat of the moment. If your mother isn't deteriorating too quickly at the moment, then perhaps you could leave things lie for the time being.

As to the LPA, as long as you keep your mother's and your own money separate and keep detailed records so you can show you have dealt with her money properly, it doesn't matter what your brother says,
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,962
0
Kent
Has anyone got any experience with bereavement counselling? Just don't know where to turn.

Hi...I am currently having counselling from Cruse.I have had a bereavement every year for the past 6 years years which involved my twin brother, my mum, a very close friend passing away very suddenly and unexpectedly plus 3 close friends from illness. My dads dementia as he moved into the advanced stage in a nursing home feels like a bereavement even though in body he is still with us. My husband is undergoing chemo for an incurable cancer. I am coping, juggling and functioning but after breaking down with my GP in the summer telling her that I can't get rid of an illogical thought in my head that I don't have much time left, have always been jolly half glass full type 61 young at heart, she suggested that the thoughts maybe due to the number and suddeness of the deaths of people close to me over a short period of time and caring for dad and hubby so suggested Cruse. I have told no one, I have friends I chat to but not about this, am only sharing with you and TP as it may help you and others, but am hoping Cruse can help me put perspective on things with this very silly irrational thought constantly in my head. So although early days and still raw with your dad, seek help.
 

Pickles53

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
2,474
0
Radcliffe on Trent
I am one of three. My mother decided she wanted to alter her will so that instead of dividing everything in thirds she wanted to reduce the amount to my invisible brother and give part of his share to his ex-wife who has always stayed part of our family and visited mum regularly. At the time brother had not seen mum for over two years.

Solicitor talked this over with her in detail and without me in the room. She was satisfied mum had capacity to make the change and we went ahead. She advised that mum should, separately to her will, have a formal letter written and witnessed setting out in very simple factual terms her reasoning for making the change.

Apparently there is a law which enables relatives who might have expected to inherit to challenge a will if they are left out completely, so having such a letter assists if there is a dispute.

I had no qualms about the change. It didn't benefit me and since brother wants nothing to do with any of us really didn't care what he thought. He never said a word after she died so still don't know. But I think he knows he didn't deserve an equal share so didn't argue.

For your mum, I would say, it's her money and her wishes should be respected and enacted if she still has capacity. You could let brother know if you think that would make things easier in the long term.
 
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mot

Registered User
May 4, 2016
73
0
USA
Anita,

Please re-read Jessbow's reply again and again!!! The very best advice I have read here.

When under stress - which you have been for years - our thinking can become clouded. Please, please, please .... re-read Jessbow's response and act quickly.

I suspect that YOU will be the one to carry the load for your mom anyway. Get it all wrapped up to protect yourself and your mom.

Can't imagine losing so many loved ones year after year!!!! You are a wonderful, caring daughter, and your mom is so lucky to have you!!!!

Mot
 

Anita Mehdi

Registered User
Jul 11, 2016
21
0
Thank you so much for your advice and kind words. You all have a story and some have moved me to tears, my heart goes out to you all. This site is amazing and realise there are so many of us going through the heartbreak and destruction that this terrible illness causes. Hugs xx