Feeling numb

Amanda1954

Registered User
Nov 5, 2006
68
0
Leicester
My mum died on September 9th. She'd been diagnosed with AD over ten years ago and the progress of the disease was very slow at first, thanks I believe to the medication. She had been in a home for the last two years, and this past year saw a more rapid decline until the last few weeks when she deteriorated very quickly. She was only in bed the last three days and I don't believe she was ever in pain or discomfort.

I found it unbelievably difficult to come to terms with the original diagnosis and I think it took me a good four or five years before I had accepted it fully. I remember being sad and angry, regularly shedding tears.

When mum died my husband and I had a three week holiday booked for the following week. We decided that we would go ahead as planned, not least because my mother loved her holidays abroad and I felt she would want me to go. I made as many arrangements as I could before we went away. I'm now in Greece, not home for another two weeks.

My problem is firstly that I feel completely numb. I loved my mum so much. She was a wonderful woman who had overcome such tragedies in her life (death of two children, serially unfaithful husband, early death of husband number two, I could go on) and remained cheerful, supportive, wise and was loads of fun. I loved her very much. I should be in tears all the time. Apart from the moment of her passing, I haven't cried yet. It's nearly two weeks ago! Is it because I did all my grieving when she was first diagnosed? Or will it hit me later? I just feel so confused. And guilty. Guilty because I came away, delaying her funeral. Guilty because I can't mourn.

Sorry this is so long. It helps just to get it off my chest.


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Meppershall

Registered User
Aug 16, 2016
180
0
Bedfordshire
Oh Amanda, what an awful time for you xxx

My mum died nearly eleven years ago, from cancer, and I never mourned her death. I loved her with all of my heart. I just never got 'time', there was always some crisis happening, usually with my dad who fell apart when she died, and so time has just gone on and here I am 11 years later.

My dad has recently been diagnosed with dementia and it does seem to be progressing rapidly. I truely believe that when he goes I will eventually mourn mum too. That will be my time to let it all out, and let go.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you will mourn in your own time, and you musn't judge yourself if that is next week, next year or in ten years time. For me, I will mourn when I know I can cope and pick myself back up afterwards, and that will be when dad goes and the stress has gone.

Take this opportunity on holiday with your OH to relax, if not enjoy, I bet you deserve it. Your mum would want you to xxx

Lots of love xxx
 

meme

Registered User
Aug 29, 2011
1,953
0
London
feeling numb is part of the grieving process...there is no right or wrong...give yourself time and trust that you will feel things in the way that is right for you...
 

lemonjuice

Registered User
Jun 15, 2016
1,534
0
England
Don't feel Guilty. There is no such thing as 'nornal'.

Please don't feel there is a right and wrong way to grieve. Everyone and their situation is different.

With dementia we witness a long slow death with each little ability they lose and, i believe, suffer anticipatory grief for many, many years. According to my reading this grief can be just as difficult to deal with as 'death' as in cessation of life.

You may already have therefore done much of that grieving already and all you can feel at the moment is numbness that the 'waiting' is finally over.

Just enjoy your holiday for now You may well find on your return, reality hits with a vengeance, especially as you deal with the funeral. Don't feel guilty about delay. I know if my mother were to die in the next three weeks, her youngest grandchild and his wife are on holiday for the next fortnight and then my husband and I are going, so we would also have to delay.
I already have her funeral planned and all it needs is to 'press print' for the booklets and do not intend cutting our holiday short. Everything can get done on our return.
 

gigi

Registered User
Nov 16, 2007
7,788
0
70
East Midlands
Hello Amanda,

My mum died 4years ago yesterday. I looked after her, she was 85 and frail and had been living with me for just over a year before she died. Her death was peaceful and she was surrounded by family..even the dogs she loved.

18 months later my husband died in a Nursing Home from Alzheimers Disease a couple of hours after I'd left him. After that nothing made sense.

Today I have just returned from my 4th counselling session with CRUSE. (Counselling for the bereaved)

I now know it's very normal to feel as you are feeling. There is nothing wrong with you. We all grieve in our own time and in our own way. There is no rule book.

Best Wishes
 

Amanda1954

Registered User
Nov 5, 2006
68
0
Leicester
Thank you all for your kindness. It is so good to know I am not alone in my feelings and that this is 'normal'; or rather that there is no normal! My mum had celebrated her 90th birthday two weeks before she died. I know that it is a good age. But she was still the person I called mummy. I held her hands the day before she died and said these hands held me as a baby.


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Angel18

Registered User
Sep 28, 2012
38
0
Loss of beloved mum

Hello everyone

Please accept my condolences to anyone who has lost a loved one. When you see a loved one suffering you think it will be a blessing for them when they pass away and you feel all brave and strong when you are thinking this, but when it happens although your loved one is no longer suffering, you don't factor in how much you will miss them and how the physical and mental pain of their passing will effect you. I have cried every single day since my mum has passed away and I can't seem to take in that she has actual gone.

I lost my lovely mum in October 2016 and I feel like a lost soul. My husband and I weren't blessed with children so my husband and my mum were/are my whole life. I can't seem to get into a routine. My routine for many years was visiting mum in her Nursing Home, sorting out any problems as and when they arose and although at times that could be stressful, I would give any thing to have those times back, it gave me a sense of purpose but now I feel I have lost my sense of purpose.

I know from reading the many posts here, most people feel the same it's so hard isn't it. People mean well when they say mum lived to a good age, but it doesn't help at all, although of course I am grateful mum lived to a good age.

I am desperately trying to think of ways to occupy my time now in the hope that somehow I can fill some of the void of mum's passing, my husband has been a great support but he finds it hard to console me. I know I was lucky I was blessed with two loving parents, my father died in 1983, so mum and I kept each other going and always had a special bond, I just miss her so much. Thank you for reading my post.
 

Amanda1954

Registered User
Nov 5, 2006
68
0
Leicester
As you will see from the previous posts on this thread, there is no normal in grief. Your loss is still very new. You need to give yourself time to come to terms with it and try not to hurry the grieving process. I don't know what type of person you are but if it was me, I would be trying to do something each day, maybe go for a walk, read a magazine, cook your favourite dish - or whatever it is that makes you happy. In other words, take it gently and be kind to yourself. If things don't improve I'd really recommend seeing a grief counsellor. They can be so helpful. Best wishes to you. It's tough I know.


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Angel18

Registered User
Sep 28, 2012
38
0
Hello Amanda 1954

Thank you for your kind words and advice, I do appreciate it.

I have just started back at the gym so that has been a bit of a distraction for a couple of hours. As you so rightly say the loss of my mother is still very new. I will try and do something each day, tomorrow I am going for a walk as I find being outdoors helps me. It is very hard when you lose a loved one, particular with my mother's birthday and Christmas coming up, it's all memories, I often think where have all those precious years gone. I know from reading the other posts, we all feel the same when we have lost a loved, unfortunately, there are no short cuts with the grieving process.

Take care and love and blessings to anyone going through the loss of a loved one.
 

Amanda1954

Registered User
Nov 5, 2006
68
0
Leicester
Bless you. And don't forget that Talking Point is always here for those difficult days. It's full of people who understand x


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