Both parents are going to be in a home but not together!

[snowygirl]

Hello everybody

This is more a rant than anything else as I cannot see how anyone else can help my family and I with this just sad situation.

Dad is in a home with Alzheimer's and has been since last September. Mum has Alzheimer's too and has been in hospital for 7 weeks. After waiting needlessly for a SS assessment and an assessment bed that has never materialised we are now looking for a nursing home for her. Mums mental condition is getting worse by the minute and the care in hospital is so up and down. I know the nurses are busy and the NHS is stretched but I've seen things a daughter really shouldn't have to see and I've cried myself the 1.5 hrs home many times.

The problem now is there are no nursing beds available in her area. We were told that by the SS and the hospital. My dad's care manager went to see mum and agreed that he could take her despite not actually being a nursing home(mum's borderline care/nursing) but he has no beds. The areas we are looking at are so much more expensive than where dad is as so too is nursing care. With all the will in the world our once dream of having mum and dad end their days together in the same care home are long past.Despite somehow saving money enough to be self funding with only a modest 2 bedroom bungalow to sell we have to be careful with costs. I am so angry that this is happening to them and us. I don't know who I'm angry with really, the State for making us pay in more ways than one when mum and dad have never called upon them for anything or even god for inflicting such a disease on them both. I feel guilty for trying to fathom out how long they will live to work out the finances and I feel stressed for trying to deal with it all.

I've looked at 8 nursing homes this week in the middle of juggling home life and work and so far only one had a room but it was too far away from dad, six didn't have rooms but did earlier in the week and the one remaining although could actually eventually cater for both mum and dad is ridiculously expensive. We claim all we know we can claim. Neither mum or dad can claim NHS CC as despite a list of ailments including heart and kidney disease the checklist for mum showed nothing as 'priority'.

So, its the start of the week and our quest goes on while mum stays put in the hospital. The chances are that after 55 years together dad may never be with mum again until the end. I'm sorry to rant I just had to voice this to those I know will understand!

 

[Mannie]

Hello everybody

This is more a rant than anything else as I cannot see how anyone else can help my family and I with this just sad situation.

Dad is in a home with Alzheimer's and has been since last September. Mum has Alzheimer's too and has been in hospital for 7 weeks. After waiting needlessly for a SS assessment and an assessment bed that has never materialised we are now looking for a nursing home for her. Mums mental condition is getting worse by the minute and the care in hospital is so up and down. I know the nurses are busy and the NHS is stretched but I've seen things a daughter really shouldn't have to see and I've cried myself the 1.5 hrs home many times.

The problem now is there are no nursing beds available in her area. We were told that by the SS and the hospital. My dad's care manager went to see mum and agreed that he could take her despite not actually being a nursing home(mum's borderline care/nursing) but he has no beds. The areas we are looking at are so much more expensive than where dad is as so too is nursing care. With all the will in the world our once dream of having mum and dad end their days together in the same care home are long past.Despite somehow saving money enough to be self funding with only a modest 2 bedroom bungalow to sell we have to be careful with costs. I am so angry that this is happening to them and us. I don't know who I'm angry with really, the State for making us pay in more ways than one when mum and dad have never called upon them for anything or even god for inflicting such a disease on them both. I feel guilty for trying to fathom out how long they will live to work out the finances and I feel stressed for trying to deal with it all.

I've looked at 8 nursing homes this week in the middle of juggling home life and work and so far only one had a room but it was too far away from dad, six didn't have rooms but did earlier in the week and the one remaining although could actually eventually cater for both mum and dad is ridiculously expensive. We claim all we know we can claim. Neither mum or dad can claim NHS CC as despite a list of ailments including heart and kidney disease the checklist for mum showed nothing as 'priority'.

So, its the start of the week and our quest goes on while mum stays put in the hospital. The chances are that after 55 years together dad may never be with mum again until the end. I'm sorry to rant I just had to voice this to those I know will understand!

Hello
I have just read your post and we are in similar position , but we did eventually find a nursing home that would take them both.

I am just so sad for you having to worry about this.

Does you dad ask for your mum , and vice Versa ? I am asking because, when mum was in hospital she did not ask for dad, and vice Versa. This came as a huge surprise to us, that they either didn't miss each other , or, thought that the separation was very temporary like a trip to the shops....we were completely blind sided .

 

[notsogooddtr]

I can sympathise,my parents were separated after 62 years of marriage.The home my Dad was in assessed my mum as needing nursing care,social services would only fund residential care.Very cruel.Mum passed away September 2015,Dad in October this year.They hadn't seen each other since Feb 2014 and Dad wasn't able to attend Mum's funeral.Life can be cruel,the system can be inhumane.I try not to think about it,it's all over now and it makes me so so sad.

 

[Georgina63]

Hi snowygirl, I'm so sad up to hear of your situation and can't really offer anything other than to send my wishes. My parents both have AD at different stages, but after a fraught couple of years were able to find them a place together, lucky as the timing was right. They are self funding and so like you am having to work out how many years we might be able to fund. It's rubbish! I do hope you can sort something out, it must be incredibly stressful and upsetting for you. Hard enough with one parent, but having to deal with both more so. Sending best wishes to you. Gx

 

[pamann]

Hello snowygirl, l am so sorry you are in this situation with your parents. In my husbands care home there are two couples been married 50 and 62 years they have Dementia, they are not seen together, they do not seem to know they are married, do your parents still know each other, if not it will be easier for you, it just makes visiting more difficult.
I do hope that a home can be found that will accommodate both of them.

 

[snowygirl]

Thanks for all your replies I knew that there were many of you out there that have probably been in a similar situation and I too feel for you all.

Dad and mum do still recognise and know each other, well they did as it was only on my last visit to them both that I took them out to afternoon tea. Little did I know that the kiss they gave to each other in the back of the car could be their final kiss as there is no way that we can take dad to the hospital and wherever mum ends up dad may not be able to travel to. Mum does ask about dad. 'Where's your dad?' she says to me and I make up some silly excuse. Dad mentions mum but just in passing. Thankfully both never seem to dwell on it too much but I'm afraid I do. My brother said we have to treat them as two individuals now but I find that so hard and sad.

Oh well its back to searching on-line but I fear I've currently exhausted most places!

 

[Nut]

This is a human rights issue! It's really concerning. They have a right to family and private life under Article 8 of the European convention on human rights. Are social services backing off and letting you get on with this because your parents are self funding? If you don't have LPA for,health and welfare then the authority to put someone in a home lies with the local authority social services dept (this is what the Alzheimer's Society helpline told me). And no, a room cannot be conjured up out of nowhere. But. - could they not share a room where your other parent is now living? The manager would need to discuss with their company/ CQC and make a best interests decision taking all factors into account-principle factor being upholding their rights.
If a local authority plans to separate a couple against their wishes this is serious stuff and can go to the Court of Protection.
I mean this to be helpful - just ignore me if it adds to your stress.
Try a local advocacy organisation for your parents or for you?
All the very very best.


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[Hill Man]

This is a human rights issue! It's really concerning. They have a right to family and private life under Article 8 of the European convention on human rights.

Sorry to Lawyer at you Nut but the Human Rights Act only gives you rights against Countries and employees of the state. Individuals, companies, care homes etc don't have to comply at all, and in this case the state doesn't appear to be involved at all.

 

[Nut]

Sorry snowygirl, I was wrong. If social services place your parents then they have human rights!


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[snowygirl]

Thanks NUT no Social Services are not placing mum we are as we are self funding!