Feeling totally heartbroken

[Josiejo]

Hi,
I'm not sure if this is the right forum, but I am finding it so hard losing our Mum to this awful disease.
I am totally heartbroken.
We cared for our Mum as long as we could in her own home while working full time, it wasn't easy but we are a close family and I believe we did all that we could. We then made the decision that Mum would have to go into residential care 2 years ago.
It was such a hard decision but I can see now that we would not have been able to cope. The trouble is every time I visit it breaks my heart...
I think the everyone assumes that as Mum is being looked after I should be fine, but i'm not.
I'm just wondering if there is anyone else who feels the same ? would love to chat.
Best wishes
Josie xx

 

[MollyD]

Hi Josiejo.

I'm so sorry and am glad you posted. Many people here will understand

I'm in a similar situation and relate. Mum has been living in a nursing home for three weeks now after a long stint in hospital. The initial feeling of relief (that the place is caring and homely) is giving way to heartbreak again.

Don't want to sound discouraging to others in the decision making process of finding a Nursing Home for someone, nevertheless, feelings are feelings and they do their own thing.

Mum has settled but is a little sadder than when she initially moved in. At present I go there to spend time with her most days, I might try not to go in this weekend coming for the second time.

Latterly, we were a team. After dad died she became so much more vulnerable and we worked through things together as she increasingly handed most things over to me to do. But it was a different dynamic to now. I was her daughter helping out. Whereas since the dementia catapulted us into orbit it has been a complere role reversal.

The decision to find 24/7 care for mum in a nursing home was made for me, in the sense that there *really* was no other option

I know she is safe and cared for but she's not here with me.

That is heartbreaking.

If you asked me would or could I bring her back to her home with me to care for her again, I would say "no, regretfully, it just isn't possible, I'm no longer able to meet the extent of her needs". So I don't regret any of my decisions and/or efforts. She needs this now.

I do regret that she fell and broke her hip. I do resent that her dementia excalated 100% after the operation. I do regret that mum can no longer read, that she is anxious, that she is utterly helpless and often cannot express her needs as and when she needs to.

I regret that she misses me and I miss her when I'm not with her and it breaks my heart.

It breaks my heart that her later life phase is unfolding this way.

It breaks my heart.

Most days I find things to be grateful for very easily. But this sadness is indelible. For now anyway.

So, sending you a virtual hugs and support. Xxx

 

[HillyBilly]

Hi from me too Josie.

I'm in a similar position to Molly - Mum in care for 2 weeks tomorrow. As Molly has said, would I bring her home again to live with me? No has to be my answer too. It's very very sad. I know she's in the best place to keep her safe, well, warm, fed, entertained etc. It was all too much for me. But Mum looks sad and lost. She also seems to be resigned to her lot in life, fully aware a lot of the time that she's in care, the staff are carers etc.

I sometimes try to think of it as: Mum's a very ill adult, I happen to be her daughter but I'm not a nurse or trained carer, my home was not designed to safely accommodate a very ill person long term so as her daughter/attorney I have had to arrange for Mum to be cared for (by others) and Mum is now, effectively, contracting a care service to look after her. She and I have to trust them to provide that service. I am still involved, still looking out for her, still trying to provide "moments of joy" but yes, it's so so sad it's come to this.

You're not alone here Josie x

 

[Meppershall]

Hi,
I think the everyone assumes that as Mum is being looked after I should be fine, but i'm not.

Hi Josiejo xxx

I know what you mean, I found that I was still as stressed when my dad was in hospital/NH (three weeks hospital/Nursing Home one week today), but since he's been in the home that stress has shifted - because he hates it, so much so he's going home in a couple of weeks with a care package, so it just never seems to get any easier.

I don't know if any of us are at peace with the situations we find ourselves in, we just seem to live with it and manage as best as possible. Even though your mum isn't with you anymore you stil need to look after yourself so that when you visit you are as relaxed and happy as you can be xxx Take care xxx

 

[cragmaid]

Hi and welcome to TP. You'll find many people here who feel as you do, in fact most of us with loved ones in care regret the fact that we cannot do it for them any more. But we do care 24/7 still, just not hands on anymore.
My own Mum died 18 months ago after three years in a CH. At first I was utterly delighted that she'd gone in willingly...I was struggling to cope with the constant demands, phone calls, wandering etc. She had mixed Dem. and was also registered blind. By the end, she was bed bound and had not been across the doorstep apart from hospital visits for over 12 months. That was when I started to feel guilty, despite visiting most days because the home was near enough for me to pop in for a few minutes at a time, I started to think I could have done more for her. I began to worry, did I push her into the CH too soon? I could have managed her here at home..... The truth is, yes I probably could have managed her here...on her good days, but on her days when she needed her clothes changing 3 or 4 times, when she was up all night, when she was grouches own self, when she asked for food then refuse to eat it......... that's when I knew that what we did was best for her and for me. I still wonder now.... was it right, and I'll never know....... but it was right at the time!!

 

[love.dad.but..]

It is heartbreaking and many of us feel exactly the same as you, you are not alone, that "regrets and if only things were different" is with me after each every other day visit as I trundle back up the motorway, often with tears streaming. The feeling that it wasn't meant to be like this for dads old age, the same feeling that I am being disloyal, deceptive yet pragmatic having to sell his house to fund care when it doesn't feel the right way round if your parent is still around, these thoughts are never far from the surface. Other than emergency hospital treatment in over 2 years in the nursing home I have never taken dad out as it would have been too traumatic for him as he took a long time to settle. Always envious of other relatives able to do that for their pwd and that guilt of having imprisoned dad in the care home having tricked him to get him there will never leave me. However I also know that he is still safe and looked after by kind caring staff experienced in handling all the challenges that come with this vile illness. No..I haven't kept dad in his home and I know mum before she died and dad were absolutely against care homes, yes I feel I should have been able to move dad in with me after caring for him in his home for 10 months but hubby has a terminal illness so it wouldn't have been fair on him. But...I am still dads carer in emotional and practical ways so I am still doing my very best for him. However 2 years on I still feel I made the right decision and as his illness declines further into advanced stage I know it was in his best interests and still is. We all need a big hug and a thumbs up ... we did the right thing.

 

[Lorna44]

My mum has been in a nursing home after a long stay in hospital for 5 months, and it's so hard as in her mind she was walking all over the town last week..... she hasn't been out alone for about 5 years.
She wants to come home, but is not sure where home is.... we were starting to struggle with caring for her at home so with all her different ailments, a nursing home was the best option. She is in a lovely place and is well looked after but it's horrible seeing her there. The guilt monster regularly comes and bashes me over the head, and I try to bash it back! Hugs to all!

 

[Georgina63]

Hi Josiejo
Welcome to TP. You are most definitely not alone. My parents (both with AD) moved into a CH 2 months ago, after a couple of years of doing all that was possible to support them living together at home. It became unsustainable. I know that they are safe, well cared for and in the main both settled, but it is still heartbreaking. Some days I really feel I don't want to visit (I've been going every other day more or less), especially as Dad asks about returning home, which is of course not an option. To compound matters, my sister and I have had a major falling out and we don't really speak and knowing that she is visiting this weekend, I am staying out of the way. I feel so stressed and anxious that she will be finding fault with whatever she can and that at some point this will find its way back to me and will cast all sorts of doubt in my mind. But, here's the bit where we have to talk to ourselves and remind us that we are doing the absolute best for our parents. You or I could not possibly have done more to continue to support our parents and we now are doing the best for them, but it is still hard. I am facing the prospect of clearing their house in preparation to rent (or sell) - it feels almost disrespectful as they are still around. It's all so emotional! But........Yesterday when I visited, mum and dad were taking part in a singing activity and were both thoroughly enjoying themselves. I try and hold on to the positive bits rather than focus on any of the other stuff. Often easier said than done. It really does help to share how you feel on TP - I have found it a huge help. All thebest. Gx

 

[Georgina63]

Sending hugs and wishes to all

I have just thoroughly read all of the posts in this thread. You are all stars. It is heartbreaking, but also so comforting that we are all able to share our experiences. Thanks, wishes and hugs to all.

 

[Patricia Alice]

Hi Josiejo,

I had to make that decision two years ago after my sister and I could not work and cope any longer. We did it for six years, day and night. My mum's dementia became really hard to cope with. She first went into residential dementia but only lasted six months until they told us to move her to nursing dementia. She has been there 16 months, and every day still I ask myself "what have we done" but the truth is the dementia wins every time.

I had mum to stay with me in February for one night before an operation, and it was only then I realised she was in the right place. She had me up all night.

please don't beat yourself up over it (easier said than done), and who am I to say that, I still do it myself.

What you have to do is go as often as you want but try and keep things happy.

I really feel for you.

xxx

 

[Aisling]

I have just thoroughly read all of the posts in this thread. You are all stars. It is heartbreaking, but also so comforting that we are all able to share our experiences. Thanks, wishes and hugs to all.

I hope all the replies so far have given you some comfort. My OH is in a Nursing Home since June. It is soul wrenching and heartbreaking. We have done our best and made huge loving decisions. We are still caring and will continue to do so. I get fits of crying and exhaustion.

I don't engage anymore with people who think we somehow have our lives back and we can now engage in all sorts of things...... . My phone is constantly in my pocket and am so fearful of going anywhere in case I am needed urgently. I have been needed urgently on number of occasions during the past 2 weeks.

This is my reality and my heart breaks too.

I don't regret any of my decisions. Sometimes I experience magical moments and these will happen for you too.

Am sending you lots of support.

Aisling ( Ireland)

 

[Babymare01]

Hello Josie and welcome
4 years on from my lovely mum going into a care home and it doesn't get "easier" and Im not "fine". I still worry. I still watch on a daily basis the lovely lady who has always been there for me slowly disappear.
Mum is now in a nursing home and I just hope and pray the end will come soon.
Yes mum is cared for but that doesn't mean Im fine. I cry everyday when I see her. I grieve for her every waking minute. I want my lovely mum to basically die!!! how bad is that? But I want that for the best reasons
So yes your mum is cared for but that doesn't mean you are "fine". Before mum was diagnosed with Dementia I really didn't understand what it meant. As many think I thought it was just a memory thing. Now I understand the pain and grief Dementia brings!!
So yes hun your mum is safe and cared for but that doesn't mean your fine. You have found a forum that truelly understands that and will always be there to support you and offer a big united shoulder to cry on.
Big big hug and keep coming on here for support xx

 

[Josiejo]

Thank you all so much

Wow,,, It is such a huge comfort to hear your experiences and know that I am not alone in how I feel.
Thank you all for taking time to reply.... I wish so much that non of us had to go through this, but at least I found somewhere where good people understand....thank you all again and I send much love to you all xx

 

[pamann]

Hello Josie, like Aisling my husband is in a CH it breaks my heart everyday, he has been my sole mate for 56yrs. I feel for you as our parents are very special, my M.I.L had Alzheimers but never thought my husband would get it. Keep visiting your lovely Mum it will brighten up her day.

 

[70smand]

Hello Josiejo and everyone else,

I'm in bits reading your comments as I prepare to visit my heavily sedated dad in an acute psychiatric ward where he is hopefully being 'sorted out' with his medication prior to me and mum finding him a nursing home.

Just as my kids are becoming more independent and moving on to university I'm spending more and more time with my parents, and the more time I spend the more I want to. My dad is so vulnerable at the moment that I just want to be with him and make sure he is safe and happy ( well, as happy as he can be).

I guess strangely that we are in some ways the lucky ones because our parents must be pretty damn special for us to feel the need to in turn do as much as we can for them. As heartbreaking as this is I know I have been blessed with such a wonderful mum and dad who would have done, and have done, anything they can for me in the past and now I will do the same for them ❤️

Love and hugs to all you special people x