Saying goodbye

[frazer]

Last week my father passed away. We buried him on Saturday. In the end his heart disease got him before dementia completely took him from us, which was a blessing really.
Thank you for all your help and advice. It was a great encouragement in the fight to give dad dignity and care.
I feel like an old hand now. We went from naively applying for care, to fighting them on the beaches in the space of a year. We have had very poor care at home, bad respite care, he's been thrown out of a nursing care home after we were forced to sell the house to pay for it! We've had to get him out of a hospital against the wishes of the SS, who though it best just to lose him somewhere in another county. Finally we managed to buy another home for him and install our own carer who was an angel. The last three months were good for dad, "i'm so lucky" he would say, but what a struggle. And it was only 14 months. Respect to you long servers.
Lessons?
Listen to yourself. You probably know best, and if you are prepared to fight you might just get it.
Nobody loves or cares for your mum/dad/wife/husband like you do, whatever they say.
fight.
Know that it will take most of your time and you will have to rearrange your life.
fight.
Try not to lock everyone out of your life. Your friends don't understand, but that doesnt mean they don't care, and you wiill need them.
Don't drink too much.
fight.

one day it will change, and we will value our old people.
Love Frazer

 

[Brucie]

Hi Frazer

Sorry about your father, but as you say, a blessing really, in the way that it went.

Your story is a moving one, and, in the end, a hopeful one.

It shows that it IS worth fighting; we CAN make a difference; we CAN help others in the process.

Best wishes for the future; take time to grieve.

Thanks for your contributions to TP.

 

[connie]

Frazier, sorry to hear your news, but thank you for sharing with us your struggle.
No - I wont drink too much, but too much is indefineable. and yes, we do value our loved ones, young and old. I, for one, will not give up the FIGHT.
I echo Bruce, take time to grieve, but come back and visit us sometime, you will be missed. Connie

 

[Sheila]

Dear Frazier, so sorry to hear of the loss of your dear Dad. He was, in his own words, very lucky to have such a loving family. Thinking of you, love She. XX

 

[Norman]

Frazier
so sorry to hear your sad news,but you were there for him all along.
Remember the good times and take time to grieve.
Norman

 

[frazer]

predictable

Thank you guys for your kind words.

This morning I had a call from dad's care agency chasing unpaid bills. The NHS trust agreed to pick these up three months ago when dad fell below the savings threshold (after a fight) - but the agency says that SS told them to keep billing us and they would "sort it out".

I'm thinking very bad thoughts.

 

[Sheila]

Hi Frazier, I can relate to that one! Just hang on in there kiddo and stick to your guns, don't pay anything you have been told SS would pay for. If you pay it, you'll have a dickins of a job to get it back!! Love She. XX

 

[Mjaqmac]

Dear Frazer

Am so sorry to hear about your dad, I lost my mum just over 2 weeks ago and it feels like an eternity. It was her lung condition that got her in the end, not the Alzheimer's but the Alz was progressing alarmingly with the infection, it really was a blessing when she went, for her!

I agree with you. FIGHT.

That's what I had to do in the end, and I won the battle. Even though wee mummy's gone I have launched a new battle on her behalf, and this is a biggie!
Will keep you all posted if it comes off.

You're dad was lucky to have you. Take heart in that, and the knowledge that it's truly wonderful to know that you took it to the end of the line and have no regrets. Well done. It's such a hard life, caring. Nobody but a carer knows.

 

[Sheila]

Magic, been thinking about you but didn't want to intrude, glad to see you post and so positively, love She. XX

 

[Brucie]

We've missed you.

Please keep in touch!

 

[Mjaqmac]

Have missed you all too, but feel a bit out of the loop as I'm no longer an Alz carer, however am now dad's carer (although thankfully he doesn't have Alz or Dem) he is trying hard to take mum's leaving us well, but he struggles, we both do.

I did not believe the endless paperwork when someone dies! I am constantly writing letters and sending off copies of her death cert. As usual the family have disappeared, although I'm glad as I don't speak to one brother after a terrible row about the funeral, and I carry a lot of resentment for the siblings as I feel they have no right to grieve for mum as they didn't want her with her illness but they are all claiming her in death. I know this is very wrong and not very healthy, but I will work through it. It will all take time. The days are long and everyone keeps telling me what a blessing it is, and it is for mum as her suffering at the end was unbearable, but it's not a blessing not to see that wee smiling face.

One woman said to me last night when she heard the news, "She probably didn't know who you were anyway!" she had never met my mum and even the day she died mum looked at me and as always said, "My baby"
How ignorant people are of Alzheimer's sufferers and those whom care for them!
They think we are set free from a prison when the one we care for dies, I suppose we are, but even the caring part leaves a terrible hole as it was so intense and 24hr. They don't seem to realise that it takes a tremendous amount of love to do what a carer does, and when that loved one dies, there is a huge hole in your heart where your loved one was ripped away.

 

[Sheila]

Dear Magic, as you so rightly say, nothing can replace that smile and yes, my Mum knew who we were, that we loved her and that we were there for her. Until you have cared for a loved one with this illness, I don't think you completely understand how things are at all. I am sure the lady meant well but it just grates doesn't it. It will take time, I still feel much as I did when Mum first died and its 8 months now, there isn't a day goes by without she has an influence on me in some way. The paperwork is a nightmare isn't it, right when you really would rather just curl up in a corner with your memories too. Thinking of you and sending you and your Dad a big hug. Love She. XX

 

[Mjaqmac]

Thanks She, as always, you're a rock.

I haven't had time to say thank you to everyone. I would like to say a special thank you to all of you whom have supported me and helped through the whole last year with mum. Especially Braveheart, She, Jude, Storm, Stormin' Norman, Connie, Susan, Chris and all you wonderful guys. I found TP in March 2004 mum died march 2005. I couldn't have done it without you guys. You gave me strength, hope and faith through the hardest time of my life and I will always always be grateful to you all on this website. I wish it had of been there sooner.

Best of luck to all of those still fighting the valiant battle. God give you all strength to carry on.

 

[Brucie]

Hi Magic

I hope you are not going to disappear entirely from TP...

You may feel you need a complete change now, and if so, go for it girl, and all the very best to you!

But don't feel you have to go because you fell 'out of the loop'! You have gone further than many of us and may still have things to advise US about - but only if, of course, you feel you want to do that.

All up to you, I just hope that things are better for you from now on!

Do keep us up to date with how you are, anyway!

Best wishes

 

[Sheila]

I'd like to second that please. Magic, you have done so much and helped others by posting your thoughts as you travelled this most difficult of roads,. I wish you all the luck and love and happiness you so richly deserve, as Braveheart says, go for it girl, but check in if/when you can, lotsaluv, She. XX

 

[Mjaqmac]

Thank you folks, I appreciate your sentiments.

Would love to hang around and advise if I can, would like to give back a little of all the help that was given to me.

Currently fencing off back garden in preparation for little feet. Canine ones! Am going to attempt another puppy. Had to give the last one away as it was too hard looking after a 9 week old pup and mum, whom was in her final stage of illness and needed so much care.

Also have decided to set the date for my wedding. I think 24 years is enough to get to know anyone! May as well go for it now.

 

[storm]

Dear Magic, I have not had time to get online much lately then lo and behold who is the first person i see ! my old mucker Magic it must be fate.I have missed you so much as i am sure the others have.I know just what you mean about familys i am exepting the same thing when anything happens to mum and boy will i let rip.PLEASE KEEP POSTING IFyou FEEL UP TO IT,i cant wait to hear about your new arrival and details of your love plans.my thioughts and love go out to your dad take care.STORM

 

[Brucie]

Hey Magic, a dawg would be a great idea to try again. Do post a picture here when you get one.

Also let us know when your wedding will be and do set up a webcam so we can all join in.....

 

[Norman]

Magic
so glad to see the way you are thinking now.
You have done all that you could do.now it's your turn to have a little life of your own
Kind thoughts
Norman

 

[connie]

Hi there Majic, so glad to see you are posting again. Maybe it will help the healing process, you have still so much to offer TP. Take sometime for yourself though, and come back and tell us a little more about the wedding plans and you MAN. He must be someone very special to have hung around for so long. Love Connie