Thoughts about my mum's funeral

[Delphie]

My mum's still with us, though getting more and more like a ghost with each passing month. Doesn't recognize us, conversations are getting beyond her now, she drifts around looking for her mum, content enough to drift and look, but definitely fading...

After a recent visit, I found myself thinking about what's going to happen as far as her funeral. It's a horrible thought and I told myself off for even thinking it, she's not dead and might not be for years, but it keeps niggling, and for the following reasons.

I'm an only child, married, two boys. We do have some extended family but my mum hated them all and I grew up not knowing them. I have a number or two somewhere but for the most part these are people I haven't met. My mum also didn't bother with a social life or friendships. When I was a child she knew some people from work but she didn't see them socially. She then went into business for herself and the only relationships she had were business ones, and most of them (actually all of them) weren't good. She would always see the worst in people and would find fault pretty much as a matter of course.

She had some kind of an undefined faith in something, but wasn't religious at all and through the years had plenty to say about the failings of the Church.

I'm an atheist.

So what do I do as far as her funeral? She wouldn't have wanted a religious service, I don't think, and the humanist ones I've been to, while lovely, don't seem appropriate given that the grand number of attendees is going to be me, my husband and our two sons, so four. I don't need a stranger who has never met my mum standing up in front of us to say things about her, things I would have to tell them first anyway. Does that make sense?

But to do nothing seems bizarre. Obviously the four of us are going to be there, at the crematorium, and we can talk and remember her, but it doesn't seem enough. Go to the crematorium then go out for a meal... ? Seems wrong...

A traditional funeral, while very obviously not an easy day for those left behind, kind of tells us what to do with ourselves on the day, and having a group of people to share it with gives meaning, marks the moment.

So what do I do?

 

[Chemmy]

I can see where you're coming from, Delphie. I know several people who have just had music playing and have sat in quiet contemplation.

Apparently David Bowie had a direct cremation, which does away with the need for any sort of funeral service. That might be worth investigating.

 

[Delphie]

Never heard of it, so thanks Chemmy, I'll take a deep breath and have a Google.

It feels wrong to make plans, but I expect I'll be a wreck when it happens, for many reasons, so having some idea ahead of time seems sensible.

 

[Chemmy]

I wish I'd thought about it in advance. I ended up - by default really - involving the local non- conformist church.

The first minister (at Dads) had a strong South African accent so I spent the whole time trying to work out what he was saying.....and I'd written his script

The elder who took Mum's service decided to embellish the script I'd written, lost a page somewhere and generally made me cringe.

It's made me think about what I want for myself. I have no wish for a religious service - and the family know that - so I'm tempted with the direct cremation option, with everybody going for a lovely meal to celebrate my life. Or donating my body to science.

 

[Jessbow]

Look at woodland buriels.

I went to one recently, the coffin arrived in a works van ( no hearse) and was lowered into a pre dug hole ( they do that) to strains of ''Fields of gold'' by Sting blowing in the wind out of a car window ( the speaker broke for the I pod!)

It was truly magical, no pomp, no religion, just the perfect end.

A tree will mark his special place

We then all shared a picnic in the sunshine

 

[Pinkys]

Some thoughts.
You can do the 'service' yourself, anything you want. You do not need to involve any kind of celebrant.

Recently I have been to a variety of funerals.
A meal, following a direct cremation.
A conducted humanist event.
A full on on Catholic service with burial.
A party a few months after the direct cremation.
A Cof E cremation with 7 people present, 4 of whom were carers.

They were all fine! And they all were appropriate to the person who had died.

If it were me, under the circumstances you describe, I would go for a cremation, with you 4 attending. Music to listen to, maybe someone saying goodbye to Mum, and Gran. (Not essential) Then music to leave. This marks the moment, as you so wisely put it, for you and your sons.

I found it helpful to have the coffin already there, not carried in, and then have everyone leave the coffin where it is, rather than the lowering into the depths, or sliding behind the curtain.

And at th C of E one, the vicar suggested people just gathered round the coffin and said anything they wanted to thank 'Vera' for. It was very gentle and moving. Religion free!

I think you are so sensible to think about it now.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I know of someone who arranged for the funeral director to arrange the cremation to which noone attended simply the process of cremation then her relative's ashes were collected from the funeral directors to be interred at a woodland natural burial site, quite a few around the country now, where a gathering of 6 held a few minutes of reflection as the ashes were buried beside a tree then they had a lovely family meal at a restaurant. Nice and simple as the person wished.

 

[Chemmy]

If it were me, under the circumstances you describe, I would go for a cremation, with you 4 attending. Music to listen to, maybe someone saying goodbye to Mum, and Gran. (Not essential) Then music to leave. This marks the moment, as you so wisely put it, for you and your sons.

I found it helpful to have the coffin already there, not carried in, and then have everyone leave the coffin where it is, rather than the lowering into the depths, or sliding behind the curtain.

This is what I was planning for Mum but then my cousin chipped with the 'but she went to church' and I capitulated. In hindsight, I wish I'd stuck to my guns, which is why thinking about it in advance and informing those likely to be involved is such a sensible idea. It's hard to buck convention when you're in the first stages of grieving yourself.

The ironic thing is that we had a religious service for dad (who wasn't remotely interested) for the same reason - because Mum 'went to church'. Neither service offered me any particular comfort, although the ceremonies did provide a 'full stop' to their life story, I suppose.

 

[Spamar]

If it's not too late, the minister would say a few words at the crem. Much better than church, imho.

 

[BR_ANA]

I had to decide it at 6 am. (At 5 I had a phone call of emergency of mum, at 5:05 mum was dead when I arrived at CH). Cried until 5:30 am, then began to spread the news. My sister asked me to decide everything.

It is great you think it before it happens.

So, I decide to made a Catholic funeral from 2-6pm and then delivered body to medical university.

Catholic due to my sister faith, (the priest couldn't speak my mum's name properly).

Invisibles were furious because I donate her body ( they wanted cremation or burial - but they were comfortable sleeping at 6am).

Distant family and friends were delighted about the idea of donation.

So I was turned on punchbag for invisibles (they were guilty.... Not me).

I had to hold my emotions and put a smile on my face and hide with friends and distant family - telling jokes!!! No, I am not ashamed of telling jokes on my mum's funeral, I was keeping invisibles away.

 

[Pegsdaughter]

My will specifys that I want an eco funeral so my children do not need to second guess my wishes. Oh and I discussed many years ago what we both wanted as did my parents. I guess some families are more open than others on the subject of death.



Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[Chemmy]

I've been married nearly forty years and, despite asking the question on several occasions, I still have no idea of what my OH wants for his, other than a cremation. Head in sand, for some folks, I guess.

We have a scheme in our town where you can pay for a tree to be planted in memorium. I rather like that idea. We have a tree in our garden, known affectionally as 'Woody's tree" (after the late rabbit who lived beneath it)

 

[WORRIER123]

Well done for forward planning. I lost my mum and then brother a year later both unexpected and had to make quick decisions as both died in hospital.
Not a good time to make decisions. I think I will follow suit and now start making notes for dad.
He always said put me in a bin bag and don't have the neighbours in the house just put money behind the bar in the pub

 

[Chemmy]

He always said put me in a bin bag and don't have the neighbours in the house just put money behind the bar in the pub

Sounds like a plan

 

[jan.s]

My late husband had a woodland burial and a humanist service. He was an atheist.

With a woodland burial there is no set format. We had a short service in the Woodland Hall, a service that I wrote before he died. I was calmer then and more able to think clearly. Let's be honest, we all know its coming.

This was followed by a short service at the graveside.

With a few people, you could have just the graveside service with a couple of nice poems and appropriate words.

Even today, people still comment (nice comments) on Roger's funeral, because I don't think they have ever been to anything like it, as there was no religious content at all, just lovely words about him and poems and some music.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I too have already written my wishes down for my family, mum died suddenly but she had previously discussed things so we knew what she wanted and it made it easy, I know dads pre dementia wishes so again easy, twin brother died suddenly and we had to second guess what he would have liked and it wasn't easy. My hubby on the other hand can't even tell me if he would like to be cremated or buried and hates talking about it but hopefully I and my children will get an inkling beforehand if I don't go first! Following and knowing a persons wishes a re the last respectful thing you can do for that person on the other hand if they really aren't bothered then that too makes it easier I suppose!

 

[jan.s]

My funeral is all written and paid for! I didn't order flowers because I thought I must leave something for my nephews and nieces to do!!

My POA s registered and my attorneys have a copy.

My new will is written and lodged with solicitors with the original POAs.

All done, now can enjoy life!!!

 

[Linbrusco]

My DH was diagnosed with a brain tumour now 12 yrs ago at age 41.
With his own mother passing away suddenly at a young age, and no one knowing what her funeral wishes would have been, DH made all his plans and wrote down his wishes.
Has changed a few times over the years with being in remission.


To my parents, death & funerals were a taboo subject to discuss, other than knowing Dad wanted buried and Mum wanted cremated as stated in their wills.
Being of an older generation I know for a fact that both would want a funeral, where as my sister says its a huge waste of money and to have a private cremation/burial and small memorial service for immediate family.
There is certainly money for a funeral.... and with both my sister and I being executors of Mum & Dads wills, I can expect this to be an issue.

 

[WORRIER123]

Sounds like a plan

 

[Delphie]

Thank you all for sharing your stories and for the advice.

It's such a difficult subject, yet so important as we don't get a second chance to get it right.