Becoming my Mum's Carer...

Lavender45

Registered User
Jun 7, 2015
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Liverpool
Mum will be moving in there on Friday!!!!!
I'm sorry but I feel so demob happy!!!!
:D

I'm so pleased for you. You've been coping with so much. If that guilt monster puts an appearance in between now and Friday throw your mum's walker at it, you are doing absolutely the best thing for everyone.
 

sleepless

Registered User
Feb 19, 2010
3,223
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The Sweet North
Ditto what Lavender says.
The timing of this vacancy is so right, you can make sure your Mum is settled in before the winter, and before the demands of caring for her at home become seriously too much. You have tried your best, and this amount of energy can go back into your own life now, enabling you to give her your love and care in a different, more relaxed way.
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,730
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Ireland
Ditto what Lavender says.
The timing of this vacancy is so right, you can make sure your Mum is settled in before the winter, and before the demands of caring for her at home become seriously too much. You have tried your best, and this amount of energy can go back into your own life now, enabling you to give her your love and care in a different, more relaxed way.

Exactly. I'm so glad. And when the guilt monster strikes, at those times when it's taking your mum time to settle, and she maybe accuses you of not wanting her/dumping her/how unhappy she is etc. - you just read back through this thread, and remind yourself that this was also happening at home. It's not the setting, or the care, or you. It's the illness.
 

HillyBilly

Registered User
Dec 21, 2015
1,946
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Ireland
Thank you for your kinds words and support everyone xxx

I've just been hand washing another load of Mum's fixation pants in the sink and thinking that hopefully this is the last time I'll be doing this.

I'm probably coming across as cold and heartless - I know most of you coped with and are still coping with a lot more than I've done and I am in absolute awe of you all esp those of you who do this single handedly.

Bit manic now - trying to sort clothes etc and improvising labels (had ordered some in anticipation to cheer me up but not arrived yet). It's lucky that it was a day care day today and that I forced Mum to go!
 

Tin

Registered User
May 18, 2014
4,820
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UK
This care home has got to be far better than the one you moved her from and this way you are on hand for any emergencies or just regular visits. Caring is hard and the only way I can deal with everything is making an adjustment in my mind that I am no longer her daughter, but a live in carer on a small salary (carers allowance).
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
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USA
HB, that's fantastic news, that the care home you want has a place available. I agree with the others that the timing is very good. I was also worried about what your winter would be like (cold and miserable is what I was envisioning).

We do not think you are cold or heartless, far from it. Don't be ridiculous! I have never "met" anybody on TP who is either. Cold and heartless people wouldn't be bothered to care at all about their family members, let alone come and post about it.

Also kindly please don't worry about those who (you think) are dealing with worse, or on their own, or whatever. This is not a contest. No prizes here for being stubborn or resisting help (except for getting sick or having carer breakdown). Comparisons aren't going to do any good here. We each have whatever situation we have, to be dealing with, and that's enough to be getting on with, for all of us!

Definitely not your fault. Definitely the dementia's fault. Read and repeat as necessary.

Don't worry too much about the move being perfect. If she needs more clothes, take more clothes. Just make sure she has enough for a few days. You can deal with things piecemeal if you have to.

If you can't find labels, I use a fabric marker and write on the care instruction tags in the clothes, or on the fabric itself. A Sharpie will do, even.

And DON'T make yourself insane thinking that you have to visit all day, every day. My mother was so nasty to me about the move into the care home that after moving day, I didn't visit her at all for two months. When I did start visiting, the visits were short, always with my husband (she likes him), and always with an exit strategy to hand. I made a lot of trips to the toilet!! My husband would go and see her, and take her what she needed, and I would talk to the staff on the phone. It's not what everyone would do, but it worked for me.

I agree that when the Guilt Monster shows up, first throw your tea at it, then the mug, and follow that up with the walker. You might also set the dog on it!

Sending you buckets of hugs and support.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
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South coast
You are definitely not cold or heartless
Im another one who thinks that the timing is just right. You will not stop caring - you will be sharing the care. There is still a lot to do, but your mum is closer and its a better place.

If the guilt monster makes an appearance - set it to collecting stool samples :eek::cool:
 

HillyBilly

Registered User
Dec 21, 2015
1,946
0
Ireland
You do all make me laugh!
Thanks.

Feeling a little treacherous this evening, labelling things behind Mum's back etc but she was still in vile mode when I picked her up from day care and had spent most of the day sitting apart, not joining in.

Greeted me with, Well? (Spat out, not spoken).
Well what Mum?
Well you do KNOW these aren't my trousers, don't you?
:rolleyes:

So, no guilt monster here at the moment.

The CH has said we can go in tomorrow to personalise her room with stuff from home. Now just need a cunning plan to sneak a granddaughter clock out of her bedroom...
:D
 

Kjn

Registered User
Jul 27, 2013
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Ooooh excellent . Well done for accepting the place ! You've done the right thing xx
 

Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,804
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Ireland
You do all make me laugh!
Thanks.

Feeling a little treacherous this evening, labelling things behind Mum's back etc but she was still in vile mode when I picked her up from day care and had spent most of the day sitting apart, not joining in.

Greeted me with, Well? (Spat out, not spoken).
Well what Mum?
Well you do KNOW these aren't my trousers, don't you?
:rolleyes:

So, no guilt monster here at the moment.

The CH has said we can go in tomorrow to personalise her room with stuff from home. Now just need a cunning plan to sneak a granddaughter clock out of her bedroom...
:D


HB this is brilliant news. Fair dues to you for getting the best for your Mum. Put things in her room tomorrow but don't, like me get into a tizzy about it. You can take other things in over time. It is an ongoing project!!

Lots of love,

Aisling
 

HillyBilly

Registered User
Dec 21, 2015
1,946
0
Ireland
Exactly. I'm so glad. And when the guilt monster strikes, at those times when it's taking your mum time to settle, and she maybe accuses you of not wanting her/dumping her/how unhappy she is etc. - you just read back through this thread, and remind yourself that this was also happening at home. It's not the setting, or the care, or you. It's the illness.

LadyA - I am going to treasure these words/advice of yours in the days or weeks or months to come. Thank you thank you thank you.

We had a good evening here in the HB household. Hard work, but good. I'm not saying the guilt monster is knocking at the door but...where else is she going to get music tailored to her taste and food to her liking as I/we can do it? Is that the Guilt Monster? I hear you knocking but you can't come in :cool:
 

HillyBilly

Registered User
Dec 21, 2015
1,946
0
Ireland
HB this is brilliant news. Fair dues to you for getting the best for your Mum. Put things in her room tomorrow but don't, like me get into a tizzy about it. You can take other things in over time. It is an ongoing project!!

Lots of love,

Aisling

Love to you too Aisling xxxx
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Y

The CH has said we can go in tomorrow to personalise her room with stuff from home.

Dont send anything valuable or irreplaceable. Make copies of the photos and send in the copies (replace them in the frames) and make sure you label EVERYTHING including all the photos, pictures and knick knacks
Have fun :)
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,730
0
Ireland
Well, here's another bit of advice :
Should your mum settle very well, and be back to her gentle, cooperative self - there's a little voice will start whispering in your ear -"Surely" it will say "things weren't really as bad as you thought. Maybe mum's moved out of that phase? Surely I could manage her at home again. "
Don't you listen!
 

Kjn

Registered User
Jul 27, 2013
5,833
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Beat that guilt monster !
My dads in hospital but it's a small place , I spoke to team leader manager today and she said they know him now, what he wants , when he wanders, what he is looking for..
Mum and I have him colouring in again , he is settled and not even in a home yet.
We couldn't get this at home .

Mum will be fine .
 

Kjn

Registered User
Jul 27, 2013
5,833
0
Well, here's another bit of advice :
Should your mum settle very well, and be back to her gentle, cooperative self - there's a little voice will start whispering in your ear -"Surely" it will say "things weren't really as bad as you thought. Maybe mum's moved out of that phase? Surely I could manage her at home again. "
Don't you listen!

Lol lady A that's dad now , settled, compliant when we visit..mum says, I could cope like this. Nope ..he isn't like this after teatime mum .
***Beats mums guilt monster off her shoulder***
:D