I'm not the caring type

[Debs42]

I know this will horrify most of you, but I have just had the though that I wish my husband could just move into a home. I know I don't really want that, but sometimes I think it would be a relief. He is not yet in the later stages of the disease, in fact only recently formally diagnosed, even though his family and friends have known he has Alzheimer's for at least 2 years. The problem for me is not the memory loss, but the mania, which may or may not be connected with his dementia. He had a psychotic episode last year, which was horrific to live through. He came out of it with the help of drugs, but all of a sudden it's come back with a vengeance almost overnight, and I can't communicate or reason with him. He is totally consumed with anger about something one of our neighbours has done, and has it completely out of proportion but anything I say just makes him worse. He is not functioning properly at all.
I've spoken to the memory service and we have a doctor coming in Thursday to see him, although I haven't told him yet - waiting for a suitable moment and will have to lie and say the doctor initiated the visit as a check up. Can I wait til Thursday, I don't know? And will he just act as if nothing is wrong, and I will look as if I am making an unnecessary fuss and wasting people's time.
Sorry, just an outpouring of self- pity.

 

[Grannie G]

Don't cover up your feelings debs, let the doctor know how you feel. There's no use pretending and if you really don't want to accept full responsibility for your husbands care it's not fair on you and it's not fair on him either.

We are not horrified.

 

[irismary]

I'm not horrified either debs42. Its hard and that sounds like a very scary episode. I think I would feel the same. Take care

 

[pamann]

Hello Debs, Welcome to Talking Point, No you do not horrify me, a year ago l had carer's breakdown, l could not look after my husband anymore, he was just so difficult, Oh what a relief when he went into a Care Home, l had loved and adored him for 55yrs, but the Alzheimers robbed me of my darling husband. I did not feel guilty l visit him most days.
It was a very hard decision to make. Hope all goes well with the Dr. Maybe you will be able to get some respite.

 

[Beetroot]

We forget that most paid carers work hard, but they go home at the end of a shift. They can relax, unwind and get on with their non working lives without always having physical and mind space taken up by the person for whom they're caring. Even if you have paid carers in a few hours a day, the ultimate responsiblity for care and decision making rests with the home carer. It's a 24 hour a day job, even if the pwd sleeps through the night. On top of that, you have been having very, very difficult behaviour to contend with. You feel as you feel, no-one has any right at all to be horrified, or to criticise you. They aren't living your very difficult life.
If you can find a few minutes before the doctor comes, write down the specifics of what's happened so you are able to explain clearly rather than having to think of things when he asks you questions particularly if your OH is being difficult about the visit.
Best of luck.

 

[Debs42]

Thank you all for your good wishes. I have talked to my sister tonight and got some comfort, so feel a bit better.

 

[nita]

If things get much worse I think you should phone for a doctor to come out urgently. I know people with mania can present as normal when someone official comes but if the doctor were to spend more than a few minutes with him and ask the right questions, I am sure the true state of his mind would emerge. If it becomes as serious as the previous episode, he may need to be sectioned. If you are in any danger, please do call the emergency services.

 

[Florence.]

Hello Debs, Welcome to Talking Point, No you do not horrify me, a year ago l had carer's breakdown, l could not look after my husband anymore, he was just so difficult, Oh what a relief when he went into a Care Home, l had loved and adored him for 55yrs, but the Alzheimers robbed me of my darling husband. I did not feel guilty l visit him most days.
It was a very hard decision to make. Hope all goes well with the Dr. Maybe you will be able to get some respite.

You are so right in what you say Pamann. We all have feelings at times we feel guilty about but caring is very hard and we are human beings ourselves as well. Your husband may be in care now Pamann but you obviously did your very best for even longer than you should have done and your love for him shines out.x

 

[HillyBilly]

I wouldn't mention that the doctor is coming AT ALL.
How are things today?

 

[Debs42]

He is much better thank you - hasn't mentioned the problem at all, although he is very stressed still. Keeping fingers crossed!

 

[HillyBilly]

That's good to hear. Maybe the GP will be able to suggest a tweak of meds that will help for the future x

 

[HillyBilly]

But also, going back to the first sentence of your original post - maybe it would do you good to investigate care homes in your area if you haven't already done so.
Now might seem like too soon (or there might never be a time) but it might be reassuring to have identified care homes that you would be happy with, even if only for respite or an emergency.
You can be added to waiting lists, even if you never take up the offer of a place x

 

[JigJog]

But also, going back to the first sentence of your original post - maybe it would do you good to investigate care homes in your area if you haven't already done so.
Now might seem like too soon (or there might never be a time) but it might be reassuring to have identified care homes that you would be happy with, even if only for respite or an emergency.
You can be added to waiting lists, even if you never take up the offer of a place x

HillyBilly, you are spot on!

I felt the same as Debs and was given the same advice. I took my time, phoned and visited homes as I could fit it in, with no mad panic. Over a period of time I decided to put OH's name down for one. The difference it has made to my feelings of hopelessness. They ring me once a month to see how things are going and ask if I feel ready to take up a place. We have a chat and I say, 'No, not yet,' and he stays on the list. It has helped me so much. I feel more in control. He can stay on the list for a year, longer or he can go in sooner if there is an emergency. He is under no obligation to go at all.

Think about this great advice. It's certainly helped me.

JigJog x