So bizarre !

[Amy in the US]

Nice to see an update from Grace! Grace, sending pain-free wishes for your knee and hope you are able to rest and recover and have more nights of good sleep. I agree that I would NOT promise anything to the awful in-laws and NOT give them any hints of your move. You can tell them you've moved after it's done and dusted!

Ann, best wishes for your trip for work and I am sure it will go well. Sorry about the washing, ugh.

I still don't have a date for my mother's move but it's likely to be on a Wednesday and not likely to be this week, so probably not before 21 September. One hopes. We have sorted out some of what will be needed for her new room, so making progress there. I'm not feeling great about this but I have no control.

JM, sorry your son is having trouble with his asthma and hope you can get it sorted out. I haven't tried your link yet but will give it a shot. I was at the doctor's on Friday and didn't like the number on the scale very much (I've gained weight/lost fitness since all this started with my mother, surprise, surprise) so I hear your unhappiness there. But it's good to hear you did better than you expected in the race.

Hope all is as well with the back-to-school stuff as it can be. Ann, I did see your earlier post about the school meeting which sounded frustrating as all get out, ugh.

Spamar, I will have a look at your new thread.

Apologies to anyone I've left out, no slight intended.

We've had uncomfortable heat here for most of the past few weeks but a big storm came through last night and it's much cooler today, and lovely sunshine and blue skies, so am hoping for a walk today (as it's still morning where I am). Hope everyone has had a good weekend.

Ann, we'll all be thinking of you tomorrow!

 

[RedLou]

Lovely to be able to catch up with all your news.
Good luck, Ann - not that you'll need it. This job feels as if it's tailor-made for you. On the washing front, I'd be tempted to let a 'crisis' develop that they have to sort out - short term pain for the long term gain of them putting MiL in pull-ups, is what I'm thinking. & I'd return the other people's clothes to them unwashed, because that might concentrate their minds a treat, too. But you're much nicer than me, I know.
JM - great to hear your son did so well, and thanks for the pic link -- definitely determination there. I'm starting a diet, too, and back to Pilates this week - want to drop about five pounds and just not feel so flabby so hugely empathise while also feeling you don't need to worry.
Grace - cheering you on. Spamar - will find your thread later when have a mo. Amy - fingers crossed for the move.
We've just come back from North Norfolk - the dog's holiday - much walking on Wells/Holkham beach with her, ignoring Saturday's rain. It was gorgeous but I still find it quite hard to realise that life can be like this, full of pleasure and variation, that it isn't just work and worry!! :roll eyes: We bumped into an old friend of my OH's on the beach by complete chance: she has also been through a few years of dementia hell apparently with her mother. She found an excellent solution somehow or other - people who moved in and traded their rent-free room for helping her father. He was delighted with the arrangement. But then the mother started throwing cups of hot coffee over the carers so it all got fraught again. In the end, he died before she did.
Wet-room refurb starts tomorrow. Was let down by two companies over delivery of a shower tray and was stressing about cancelling contractors - one of those stupid waking-up stresses over nothing you were talking about, Ann. Then a man called Dan from Screwfix found the last slate-effect shower tray in the country at the right size, hired a courier and got it to me within an hour because I'd told him we were due to leave on our Norfolk jaunt. What a hero! The refurb is really to make my life easier as it's taking me at least an hour a week to clean the present travertine which attracts mould like Taylor Swift attracts commitment-phobic men.

 

[Amy in the US]

RedLou, your Taylor Swift-travertine similie made me laugh out loud! Thank you!

The world could use more people like Dan. Hooray for nice people and shower trays! (I now have to go and Google shower trays. Oh, it's the floor of the shower? That's a very big deal so three cheers for Dan!)

 

[Spamar]

Red, to shower tray. I thought wet rooms had tiles on the floor, showers had shower trays??!!

 

[Katrine]

Red, to shower tray. I thought wet rooms had tiles on the floor, showers had shower trays??!!

The wetroom shower tray is fitted below floor level. It has the waste trap in it, which is connected to the waste water pipe. Then tiles or wetroom flooring is fixed on top to make the surface that you stand on look as if there's just a small hole in the floor.

 

[Spamar]

Thanks, Katrine. All the wet rooms I have seen have integral tiling with floor.

 

[RedLou]

We have tiling (proper wet room at the moment). Very hard to keep the grout clean, especially as with travertine you can't use bleach or proprietary mould busters. I'm not house proud but I don't think letting black mould free run at a room is a good idea? So now we're having an ultra-low profile slate-effect shower tray instead. No grout lines to attract life-forms of whatever sort.
I mention this because wet rooms are often posited as a good idea for the elderly/people with dementia.

 

[Spamar]

Many thanks Red. I have shower tray, it's fine. When we did it, I suggested wet room to OH, but he thought not! In some ways I wish I had insisted cos he forgot how to work the taps, and they were right in shower! Wet arm, anyone? Don't think I'll change now, but if ever I moved house I would. I've used quite a few wet rooms on holidays and some of the really were wet room!! the whole floor!
No,you really don't want mould growing everywhere. Not pretty!!

 

[Grace L]

Getting better every day
I've always been a quick walker, but when my husband had his strokes (then VaD) we had to slow right down.
It took him a long time to learn to walk again, then sadly by then dementia was diagnosed.
We never were able to 'walk together' again... not at our old pace.

I could walk at a steady 4.5mph for hours. I'm only tiny/ little legs.
Used to dog sit a big old German Shepherd and she would come back home tired out.

Been outside for a walk again, up the long drive, out the gate, across the front.....
bumped into the Postman at the side gate, who escorted me home.
We are lucky, our Postman is really chatty. I've seen him helping other people.
I didn't ask, he just offered.
He's only young, but I think her keeps his eyes open for anything going on in his roads.

Physio will be impressed I've made it outside....
I needed to sit for an hour when I came in. Knee started shaking when I sat down.


I'll post MiL news in a few days. Northing major, just another 'stage'.

Take care xxx

 

[cragmaid]

Grace....

Knee started shaking when I sat down.

....just done a little too much too soon......careful please.x.x.

 

[Slugsta]

Evening all,

I have read back several times over the past few days - then ran out of time so couldn't post a comment

Ann, I do hope that your first day has gone well and that your colleagues are nice. Hope you managed to sort out the washing in a way that sits easy with you.

Grace, you are doing well but, as Cragmaid said, maybe did a bit too much with your walk, I'm glad your lovely postie was around to escort you back. Slow but steady wins the race.

Well, not JM's kind of race! That's a great picture JM, I see more determination than anything.

RedLou, wet rooms growing black mould do not sound conducive to health! I'm glad you have found a solution - and also found someone prepared to go the extra mile so that you could get it.

I was out with my friend, as usual on a Monday, today and had a call to say that the staff where Mum lives were worried about her. She had several episodes of urinary incontinence and got stroppy with the staff when they tried to help. UTI suspected. Mum seemed quite with it when I went, was wearing pull-ups but - judging by the bag of wet clothes I was handed - had clearly been wet several times. GP contacted and agreed to treat as presumed UTI so I collected script and got the antib's then took them round to Mum and gave her the first dose. Asked carer to ring me if there was any problem with giving the future doses and haven't heard anything, so I hope that is OK.

I need to phone DC and see if they want me to get some spare clothes over to them. The Tena pants I bought today had a little zipped bag for a spare, so I've put that in the basket of her walker - but don't know whether she will remember! I did buy some pull-ups online but the pad was so huge that Mum would have walked as if she had just got off a horse

 

[Ann Mac]

Hello everyone - I survived and am back as you can see

Thank you for all the good luck messages and words of encouragement xxx You'll be glad to hear that I did manage to banish the Mallen streak before I left - because 2jays comments about it being more Lily Savage most definitely applied to me too

Grace, I'm so pleased that you are feeling better everyday, but take care and don't over-do it. You need to be 100% to deal with your move when the time comes, (and Oh - I wish I could see your in-laws faces when you drop that little bombshell ) so take it slow and give yourself time xxxx

That photographs simply says 'Sheer determination' to me, JM! Well done to your son, as well as you, too. The washing up and clothes washing were done whilst I was away - they are about all that was flipping done, but better than nothing I guess I can see a slightly stormy time ahead, not so much with OH (who will pitch in when he isn't on nights) but with youngest and the other two when they are home. The main thing I learnt from the last two days is that this job is full on, and whilst it might only be 4 days a week I work, I don't intend to spend all my time off playing catch up with the house, I am going to need some rest time!

Spamar, I am wilting with the muggy heat at the moment too though I usually love warm weather - it rained all day yesterday (despite the BBC promising sunshine!) but even so, everyone was in light Summer clothes because the heat was so humid and not at all comfortable Oh, and ROFCWL at you fitting your conservatory into the airing cupboard - because like 2jays, that's how I first read it too!

Amy, got fingers and toes crossed that everything progresses smoothly for your Mum's move - and yep, totally get the not feeling great about it. Its another one of those horrible things that brings sharply into focus that the dementia is getting worse - we expect that to happen, I know, but that doesn't stop it making us sad and upset xxxx

Red, I've been tempted to just say (especially now I have this job) that actually, it would be better if the hospital took over with the washing - but if I walked in there and found her dressed in the awful institutional pj bottoms that I see other patients sometimes wearing when they have run out of clean clothes, the guilt monster would beat me senseless, I know. Love the slate shower tray - looks really nice, and I agree - much better than having to try and deal with the mold!

Slugsta, I hope it is just a UTI, and that the antibiotics help your Mum quickly. I would take spare kit to DC for her - I did that with Mil, and it came in very handy on a couple of occasions - worth doing x

So - talk about hitting the ground running . Very intensive induction, but warned that it would take us at least a month or so to really get to grips with the IT systems and admin side of the job, let alone the actual hands on work. Lots of reassurance given that we would be supported every step of the way. A bit panicked by finding out that the four of us are all solo in different area's, with the other 3 being based in S Wales, but we are all to have a 'buddy', an experienced staff member who is doing the same role elsewhere, and there will be plenty of contact between us all. I'll have a few days 'shadowing' mine (in Manchester), and there will also be a lot more training over the next month - and a lot more travelling to come. So far, 2 trips to London, one to Newcastle, one to Wolverhampton and several to some not so distant locations too, are in the pipeline for just the next 2 or 3 months! My line manager is really, really , lovely - very approachable and down to earth, so enthusiastic about the work and very supportive. The rest of 'Team Wales' are at least 25 years younger than me, which I felt uncomfortable about at first, thinking I would be a bit of a dinosaur - but they appeared to find the whole two days as intense as I did, which made me feel a lot better about being able to keep up with the IT side at least The UK boss was also there, and whilst she was clearly very driven, very motivated and straight talking, she also came across as really supportive and though she talked about others across the UK who are also in this sort of role, she had nothing but positive comments to make. Its very clear that they take care of their staff. Two of the 'Team Wales' ladies already had experiece of working for the organisation, and also had absolutely nothing but good things to say. All my IT equipment should be here by next Monday, and then I have to get it set up. I have a budget for making sure I have everything I need in my 'home office' (which I was not expecting!) so the next few days, my working hours will consist of getting all that sorted, followed by more IT training and some time spent planning how I'm going to deliver the 'hands on' side of the role. I have a lot of ideas about that already, and am really looking forward to it.

So - feeling overwhelmed by what I've taken on, but happy that there is obviously a lot of support given, and I really like the 'team' members, all of whom I found approachable and friendly and very enthusiastic I suspect that there are going to be a lot of blind moments of panic when I mess up with the IT side (because we have been told that we will mess up, its inevitable and expected!) and times when (especially in the first 3 months) I'm going to find myself working all hours to just get on top of everything. But once I find my feet, I think I am going to love it. OH, having heard all I had to say when I got home, told me that he couldn't believe how much the job 'suited' me - and he is right, I think. Once I get over the learning curve, it does offer everything that appeals to me and interests me and has a lot of aspects that I am experienced in. So - its now head down and get stuck in!

Son going back to uni this afternoon - can't believe its the start of his last year already. I was planning on going with OH to drop him off, but youngest has been ill since the early hours of this morning with some sort of sickness bug, so that's now looking doubtful Oldest had been in touch, brimming over with enthusiasm about her new job, which was so nice to hear - she sounds on top of the world!

I won't be going to see Mil till tomorrow - and I need to let them know that for the next few weeks I am going to have to cut the visits back to just once or twice a week - not ideal, but I have to think long term and I am going to be up to my neck in the new job, plus we have to fit in visits to at least some of the EMI nursing homes that are on the list that I have finally been given. I've told myself that I have to be practical - unless I want to crash, then I have to pace myself. I'll be shouting out for the big stick to bash the guilt monster with on a fairly regular basis, I reckon

Hope you all have a good day xxxxx

 

[Spamar]

Wow, that has left me breathless! No, that was the wrong word, cos I have been struggling for breath the past few days, even had to go and lie down yesterday! I just don't do things like that! A friend, who visited in the pm, did practically everything herself, like getting drinks and nibbles.
However, I'm just so glad you, and your family, feel this is your jobs. Made in heaven! And so good there's lots of support. It makes such a difference. Hope all continues to go well.

I'll try and go over the more recent bits on the thread this pm, hopefully can comment then!
BYW, Blue sky, sun, hot here at the moment!

 

[RedLou]

Hi all -- just quickly to say Spamar and Grace, take it easy. Slugsta - I sort of hope it's a UTI not because I'm wishing illness on anyone(!) but because at least that way it can be cured!
Ann - job does sound like it's made for you and glad your line manager is so nice. We have every confidence that you will cope brilliantly -- frankly, hun, if you can cope with MiL with such resilience and resourcefulness, you can cope with anything - you will never have a harder job than that one!! re: MiL and visiting - it crosses my mind that your visits are now perceived by her to be some kind of disruption in the routine that she can't quite handle, as if it shifts her space-time continuum of something (have watched too many sci-fi programmes thanks to OH/daughter) - been thinking that her comments along the lines of 'it's time to go' may indicate her need to return to routine. So in an odd way, you being able to visit less may suit her more. SO absolutely no guilt monsters allowed! You spot one, you send it here to be shrunk to mouse-like proportions!

 

[Slugsta]

Evening,

Ann, it's great to hear that everything went so well! As RedLou says, anything you take on now, after looking after MIL so well, should be easily manageable. It's nice to know that your colleagues are so nice and that those who are 'in the know' speak so highly of the organisation.

It does sound as if you are going to be very busy for a while and, given how low you have been feeling, IMHO it is important that you rest when you can. Do your wages allow you to pay for some help with the domestic side of things?

I think RedLou is also right in suggesting that visits might now be causing MIL some unease. Maybe her belief about who you are jars with her idea of where she is? Whatever, it certainly suggests that shorter and fewer visits would suit her as well as you. So you can poke that GM in the eye with a sharp stick!

How lovely that your eldest is enjoying her job so much. We spend such a large part of our lives at work, it does help if we can enjoy it! I hope that youngest is soon feeling better and that your son manages to both enjoy his final year and get decent results.

(((Spamar))) sorry that you are still struggling with your breathing I do hope that you are soon feeling much better. It is still very hot and humid here, despite a cracking thunderstorm yesterday!

Amy, I am thinking of you and hoping that everything goes well with your mum's move.

Mum had been wet twice before we picked her up this morning It seems that pull-ups are not being worn - so I have brought her proper knickers home as she clearly found where I had put them at the weekend! Let's hope she put the pull-ups on and there are no further episodes of her wandering around the communal areas with nothing on her bottom half DC said that they already have some spare trousers and knickers that they washed out previously. I didn't think to ask what she went home in if they had her clothes!

I have asked the carers to get into a habit of offering to help Mum with a shower every visit - in the hope that she will eventually say 'yes'! It really seems that they are accepting her first refusal - probably with a sigh of relief so that they can hurry on to their next visit. I do understand that they are often not given enough times for the visits, let alone travelling between them - but I can't let that become Mum's problem.

We (hubby, Mum and I) went to a new-to-us garden centre today. It's very nice and I think hubby and I will try to go back there on our own to look at the pond and wildlife garden. Not so long ago Mum would have been interested in these but now she doesn't really care as long as she gets her hot chocolate and cake

Here's hoping that everyone gets a cooler, comfortable spell of weather.

Love to all xx

 

[Ann Mac]

Morning all,

Spamar, I'm so sorry to read that you are still having problems with your breathing in this heat. Yesterday, we hit 27 degree's around here, and whilst it was sunny, it was still (despite the rain of the day before) incredibly muggy. It must be really horrible for you, so I hope that you get some relief soon xxxx

Hiya Red You are probably right, as is Slugsta, about Mil and visiting. Its as though, after a very short time, we unsetttle her - and the disruption to whatever routine she has (or even just believes she has, depending on what her reality is at any given point!) when we visit is just something that she isn't able to cope with at this point. She often greets us with "Hello - how did you know I was here?" in a tone of huge surprise - she never seems to be expecting to see us or fretting to see us, which is a good thing for her, I think. It feels like, a lot of the time now, she is emotionally disconected from the family feelings she used to have (if that makes sense) - I mean that whilst she will still often identify us as family members (though not necessarily get the relationship right), there is rarely any sign that there are any emotions attached to that identification. When she tells a passing nurse that 'this is my brother' (pointing at her son) she may as well be saying 'this is a newspaper' - explaining myself very badly here, but I hope you all get what I mean. And I guess that when the feelings that she used to have for us as family are forgotten, then there is no compensation for her in dealing with the disruption to her routine, so its not surprising that she generally wants us to leave fairly quickly.

Slugsta, I ended up putting Mil's hidden knickers firstly in our room (which we can lock) and then in the bin - she too was awfully good at finding where I had hidden them, at first. You are spot on with the carers hoping for/expecting the refusal to shower - I have had home care managers tell me - when I've asked how on earth I am supposed to pack in all the visits on a list I have been given, without an allowance for travelling between calls - that I don't need to worry, that 'Mrs So-and-so gets a 45 minute call so she can have a shower, but she always says no, so you can get away 15 minutes early there' Its completely wrong, and as you say, that cannot become your Mum's problem - the answer is, sadly, as it always seems to be when it comes to dealing with home care - you have to really shout and demand and make a fuss in order to get yourself labelled as someone that is going to make life tough for them if they don't deliver. So, so wrong that its like that

I spent yesterday morning on the house, dealing with numerous emails, and going over my notes from the 2 days induction. A bit stymied until I get all of my IT stuff delivered, and can sort out the last of the bits of office stuff I need. Daughter was much better after sleeping most of the morning, so as she seemed fine, I went with OH to drop son off. Today, dau is going back to school, OH is going on a training course, and the plan is to - well, basically, plan! And research. So that when the equipment gets here, I can get stuck straight into delivering the service that I hope to provide. This evening, I will visit Mil, with some clean laundry - and presumably pick up a load of washing I also need to start arranging to visit some homes - but slotting that around OH's shifts and work, and the house and visiting is really not easy. Still no word from Mil's SW - who I was told 2 weeks ago, would be 'getting in touch shortly'!

Hope you all have as good a day as is possible xxxx

 

[Spamar]

Evening!
Still very hot and muggy here, though we are promised rain tomorrow. Had to break my cardinal rule earlier this week and get some of the shrubs watered!
My breathing still not very good though, didn't help that 'agriculture' was going on two fields away ( couldn't see what they were up to) kicking up a lot of dust.
Another physio appt, he's signed me off, though to ring if I got a problem. He also gave me an exercise to help my shoulders. I can also have a day off from exercises once a week! Bliss!
Hope things are going well for everybody!

 

[Amy in the US]

Spamar, sorry to hear you are still having heat and humidity and dust and resultant respiratory problems. Hope you are looking after yourself as much as possible. A day off from the physio exercises does sound good!

Ann, glad your daughter is feeling better and can go back to school. Sounds like you are making more than reasonable progress getting ready for your equipment and the new job. We are confident in your ability to deal with it! It's also very good to hear that your eldest is happy with her job and her flat and so forth.

Slugsta, it was probably smart to remove the regular knickers completely and try the "out of sight, out of mind" approach. I hope your mum will wear the pull-ups, for everyone's sake!

I see a lot of mentions here on TP, from the UK residents, about going to garden centres. We do have a few of those here in the States, but not as many as you seem to have there. That is to say, there are plenty of places to purchase plants and garden things, but not many that have a cafe and toilets, at least not where I live. I wish we did, as it would be a good outing for my mother. I think we need to be more and more careful about where we take her, and for how long, as she is getting more easily overwhelmed. She's not yet incontinent but I have seen evidence of some minor accidents and feel we might arrive there sooner than I think.

RedLou, your comments about the space-time continuum shift made me laugh, but that is sometimes how it feels with dementia, isn't it? There are times when I see my mother when she's very firmly "here and now" and then other times when I have no idea "where" or "when" she is.

At any rate, what I meant to say to Ann was: please try not to feel guilty if the visits are less frequent and/or of shorter duration. You might even arrange just to exchange laundry without seeing MIL, sometimes.

Thank you all for the continued kind wishes and support about the move. DH is trying valiantly to figure out how to arrange her furniture in the smaller space in a way that will work. Thank goodness he is good at that sort of visual-spacial thing, as I am definitely not. Of course we won't be moving all her furniture but the room is quite a bit smaller and the wardrobe is shockingly tiny.

The nurse manager (we could call her Nurse S!) agrees that it's fine to get rid of her telephone. My mother hasn't made any phone calls at all for at least four months and the last time she called, she needed help to dial. I had also hoped to not deal with her little refrigerator but Nurse S STRONGLY advises us to find a way to make that work, so another challenge for DH.

I have been ordering some new bits for the new room. First up is a wall mount thingy for the television, so we don't have to worry about finding a piece of furniture to put it on. That's on its way from A----n, the company like the river. Another retailer has already delivered the new wall cabinet that will go in the bathroom. She has one in her current room and I foolishly assumed they were standard issue. No, they are not, but they will install it (and the TV mount) for us. We also went to the hardware store and bought a shelf to go under the bathroom mirror. Again, there is one in the current room but not the new room and it was, frankly, easier to just buy one than to ask them about it. Plus I got a bigger and nicer one than what she has, it's deeper so maybe her stuff won't fall off of it, and I got one with rounded edges.

I have to go and google a "Mallen streak." Of course I know what you're talking about, from context, but it's not a term I've heard before. I'll also ask my hairdresser when I see her (soon, I hope, my hair is a mess).

Grace, hope you're recovering well and sleeping better and keeping the in-laws at bay.

Greetings to JM and everyone else and hope you're all as well as possible!

 

[Slugsta]

Evening all,

Amy, I don't know whether your googling turned up the fact that 'The Mallen Streak' was a book (and TV series) by Catherine Cookson about a family with this hereditary feature? Mum always used to have one and that is how I always think of her - although her hair is now completely silver. I seem to have missed the gene, my hair is a general 'salt and pepper' shade!

Ann, it sounds as if you have an awful lot of planning to do in the immediate future! I know you will want to do this to the best of your ability, as is right. However, please remember that you are not Superwoman and cannot do everything single handed if you want to be able to cope long-term. Accept help and take short-cuts wherever possible, including paying for help with the housework if necessary.

(((Spamar))) do you need a 'tweak' of meds while there are so many nasties in the air? I hate to think of you struggling for breath!

I had a call from the Continence Nurse today - she had gone in to assess Mum,. not knowing that she would be at DC. The staff gave her a good idea of the problems and I was able to fill in the rest of the details. She agreed that pull-ups seem to be an acceptable option for Mum and will order some for us. They will take 6-8 weeks to arrive.

This afternoon I got a call from the staff where Mum lives. Please would I go over and try to get her to wear the pull-ups? She had been wet about 3 times in the time she had been back from DC and the other residents were getting fed up of the communal seating being weed on (don't forget that this is supported housing, not a care home)! When I got there I found that Mum did have the pull-ups on, it was just that they were clearly not up to the job I was too late to speak to the Continence Nurse again and I must admit that I really don't know what to do next! I think this is the one problem that would result in us being asked to move Mum if it continues.

The carer this morning had stripped the bed and put the things in the washing machine - but not actually put in detergent and switched it on. So, it would have sat there until my routine visit tomorrow if I had not called in! Their office told me that they would do all the washing for me if I wished, I said I was happy with the routine stuff if they would do the wet things, so I was particularly unimpressed to find it sitting there festering. Especially as Mum is supposed to have 30 minute visits and there was nothing else to be done other than give her meds!

I guess I will try toe Continence Nurse again in the morning. Might the Admiral Nurses be able to advise about this (if we have anyone in our area)? I just don't know what to do but accept that being wet several times an hour is not good for anyone/thing concerned!

 

[Katrine]

Hi Slugsta. What is the liquid capacity of these pull-ups? They may not be high enough absorbency. Also, how often do they get changed? They may also leak if they are too big or loose around the leg. Another possibility is that she's got clothing tucked inside the pull-ups, which would cause wicking.