Diamond Ring / Respite / Immoral? /dilemma

[Hair Twiddler]

I need your help.
Background.... Mum has just returned home from 2 weeks of respite. The home she stayed with was fabulous (well... mum now says they were terrible but gave everyone in sight kisses and thanks in abundance when she left )

She has a beautiful looking diamond ring - it is not her engagement ring (divorced & made into earings for me over 40 years ago) but was given it and has worn it for over 30 years. It is not only beautiful looking but I suspect is valuable ( I knew the lady who gave it to her and she was v. wealth and it was her engagement ring).

Mum's AZ is getting worse, respite will be more regular, eventually I do envisage that a time will come when I will not be able to have mum here at home with us, so in an ideal world she will be able to live at this care home and be very happy, content and looked after.

Here's the rub on my mind today... the diamond ring. If on the next time mum goes into respite will she loose it? Will it fall down the plug hole or worse, be stolen?
I would be horrified and so would she.

So, is it immoral for me to think of obtaining a "fake" ring looking 100% similar & swapping it on her finger when she next visits the aforementioned home?

 

[nellbelles]

If you can find a 100% match so Mum will not notice, I would be tempted to buy two, then you can stop worrying even if she goes into full time care.

 

[2jays]

Go for it. Buy the fake ring.

Heartbreaking when something like a ring goes "missing"

I managed to "remove" mums rings by saying they needed resizing and a clean and "lent" her "one of mine"

When she asked where her rings were, ok so she was a tad miffed when I told her that either I had forgotten to bring the repaired rings to her..... Or they were still at the jewellers.... But her rings are safe in my home. Her wedding ring was given to me by her carer as it was found in the basin plug hole.

Another "little" thing in dementia land that is so hard to get your head round isn't it xxxxxx


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[Tin]

Well that's what I did, mum's rings kept dropping off her fingers and like you I was worried they would get lost forever. so I bought something similar that cost all of £10, 2 gold coloured bands one with a glass stone, still wearing the 'imposters' today and real rings in a very safe place.

Have to say though that the search for replacements was not easy, tried a few shops and then eventually found some in a charity shop, think it was Loros.

 

[beverrino]

I would buy the ring if you can find one. My mums watch stopped working and as it was old and didn't appear to be repairable, we searched high and low for a similar one (which we never found).
In the meantime I gave her my dads watch - at first she didn't want it - but I told her it was just while hers was repaired. Quite soon after that she then thought that was her watch (dads) and has worn it ever since.

 

[arielsmelody]

I agree that you should find a nice substitute - it's not fair on the carers or the other residents to allow your mum to take something valuable into the care home, because of the upset for everyone if it goes missing.

 

[Amy in the US]

Hair Twiddler, I would get the replacement rings (I'd get at least two if you can) without a second thought. I do not think it's immoral, I think it's thoughtful and practical. It's practical because yes, things do get lost, and you are thinking ahead. It's thoughtful because you are trying to spare your mother distress and upset, and protect her valuables.

I read something recently on a website that said, instead of worrying about telling the truth or being honest, consider what is the kindest way forward, with the person with dementia. If losing that ring would upset your mother, then I would say that not allowing it to get lost, would be the right thing to do.

Personal anecdote: my mother has a very nice diamond ring, that was her engagement ring, that she had worn for almost 50 years, even though my parents were divorced a long time ago. She was extremely attached to this ring.

One day, about two years ago, I noticed she wasn't wearing the ring, but a different one. This was pre-diagnosis but certainly not pre-dementia (Alzheimer's and no short term memory). She told me she had lost the diamond ring, that it slipped off her hand and fell down the toilet and got flushed. She was distraught and I heard over and over and over again, for the next year or more, how upset she was about losing the ring.

When she had her crisis and went into hospital and was sectioned and then moved to a care home, my husband and I cleaned out her house. We found the ring. I have never told her, as I don't want to give it to her at the care home. She has never mentioned it to me since her move to the care home. I have thought about having it duplicated with a nice fake stone but that hasn't been a priority item on my list, and she was so adamant it was "lost" that I didn't want to contradict her.

(I have since learned that "it fell in the toilet and got flushed" is one of her standard dementia phrases/confabulations/delusions for misplacing something, as she has used the same phrase for her dentures and other items that clearly couldn't flush.)

So I'd go with the replacement and not look back. I'm glad the respite went well.

 

[Chemmy]

I agree that you should find a nice substitute - it's not fair on the carers or the other residents to allow your mum to take something valuable into the care home, because of the upset for everyone if it goes missing.

^^This would be my main reason for making the swap.

Mum's wedding ring got lost in the CH. She may have removed it or it may have slipped off. Who knows? There was no point making a fuss; these things happen.

I would avoid taking in anything irreplaceable or that has sentimental value, including original photographs. Get a copy made and keep the original.

 

[jugglingmum]

My mum had her engagment ring in a box, when she went into hospital she asked me to take it, so I did - sometime after she was home she asked for it back and I didn't return it. She only asked twice.

I did then think should I? Would it bring her pleasure? Whilst it is worth a bit, it is less than 2 weeks in a care home, and she has plenty of money in the bank so she could 'afford' to lose it. But as it was in a box in a drawer, I have kept it.

I have left her with her wedding ring, and accept that at some stage that will go missing, but she enjoys wearing it and I don't see the benefit of getting a replacement.

The engagement ring will in due course be passed on to one of my children, but not sure if I would want the wedding ring for passing on, and don't want to burden them with 'stuff'.

 

[RedLou]

There's nothing immoral about it imo. When my father was taken into hospital I was asked to remove all valuables. Previously, when he was at home and leaving wads of cash everywhere despite my best attempts, the cleaning firm I'd hired were incredibly anxious about that. The owner/proprietor felt that while she tried hard to recruit cleaners who were honest it was placing temptation in front of them. I did see her her pov. I can imagine the care/respite home would feel the same way.

 

[Lorna44]

I would definitely buy a double, I was heartbroken when Mum lost her engagement ring, we looked high & low but it's never been found, what upset me was my mum's indifference to it, she just didn't seem upset. She now has a cheap ring and I look after the rest. X

 

[canary]

I took all mums rings back to my house. Mum had taken them off one by one and left them around - in her room, in the bathroom and one she took off and threw on the floor in a fit of temper. I collected them all up so they wouldnt get lost. She has never actually commented about where her rings are, but if you can find cheap ones that match - go for it.

 

[nmintueo]

She has a beautiful [and probably valuable] diamond ring ...

So, is it immoral for me to think of obtaining a "fake" ring looking 100% similar & swapping it on her finger when she next visits the aforementioned home?

No, I wouldn't say it's 'immoral'.

Immoral would be substituting paste for the real thing, selling the diamond, and taking yourself on a trip to the Bahamas with the proceeds - you're not going to do that, are you?!

Stuff goes missing in homes all the time, so taking this precaution to protect your mum's valuable and cherished property is sensible and commendable.

This presupposes that your mother wouldn't just agree that it's sensible to leave the ring at home, or indeed just quickly forget about the ring if she didn't have it (the experience with the engagement ring seems to suggest that possibility). That's really something for you to judge.

Would love to see how The Ethicist would answer this question!

 

[Aisling]

I need your help.
Background.... Mum has just returned home from 2 weeks of respite. The home she stayed with was fabulous (well... mum now says they were terrible but gave everyone in sight kisses and thanks in abundance when she left )

She has a beautiful looking diamond ring - it is not her engagement ring (divorced & made into earings for me over 40 years ago) but was given it and has worn it for over 30 years. It is not only beautiful looking but I suspect is valuable ( I knew the lady who gave it to her and she was v. wealth and it was her engagement ring).

Mum's AZ is getting worse, respite will be more regular, eventually I do envisage that a time will come when I will not be able to have mum here at home with us, so in an ideal world she will be able to live at this care home and be very happy, content and looked after.

Here's the rub on my mind today... the diamond ring. If on the next time mum goes into respite will she loose it? Will it fall down the plug hole or worse, be stolen?
I would be horrified and so would she.

So, is it immoral for me to think of obtaining a "fake" ring looking 100% similar & swapping it on her finger when she next visits the aforementioned home?

NO. It is sensible. Anything could happen to the ring. I have my OH wedding ring safely at home.

Aisling xxx

 

[Kevinl]

My wife lost her engagement ring, she had it on when we went out but not when we got home. She'd lost a lot of weight and it just fell off. I replaced her wedding ring with a smaller one I bought as I couldn't stand the thought of her losing that too.
She has no idea that it's not the right one, it looks the same and I'm not even sure she knows what it is or why she's wearing it anyway. I'll keep it for the and the kids know to put it on her when she passes (assuming I go first).
K
Edited to add. If it is of value (or even believed to be) then she may have willed it to someone. If so and you have to tell them it was lost or stolen in the home what would happen? They may suspect you. I would also tell someone what you have done so the swap is above board.

 

[cragmaid]

When we ( the care staff and I ) had to turn Mum's room out looking for her engagement ring which she had lost. Mum fed us a whole convoluted tale about somebody coming into the room and admiring it and trying it on and going out with it and- and-and..... Evenually we found it wedged down the arm of her chair. I too it home and told her I'd look for a Cubic Zirconia one. I did find a similar one but that was £120, so I just waited for her to ask me....and she never did. What did upset me was the fact that she was totally unemotional about having lost her ring which her beloved husband had given her...

 

[LadyA]

Echoing everyone else - definitely get the fake one! Think how you'd feel if you had thought about substituting a fake one, and hadn't - and then the real ring goes missing! You'd kick yourself, wouldn't you?

About 3 weeks after my husband died, my own engagement & eternity rings were stolen when my house was burgled. I was devastated, and furious with myself that I wasn't wearing them, as usual. That was all that was stolen - there was nothing else of value here. I have replaced them, one for our wedding anniversary, and one for the anniversary of his death. But it's not the same as the originals.

 

[Kevinl]

I asked the sister on the EMI ward my wife is on about this and she said they don't like people wearing diamond rings at they could injure other people with them.
This is EMI so some of them are a bit more challenging than the average care or residential homes.
K

 

[Hair Twiddler]

Thank you ALL for your thoughtful and supportive replies.
So sad to read that rings, watches and other sentimental possessions have been lost. It is your experiences that have decided me to go ahead with the plan.

To pick on a few notable points,

What did upset me was the fact that she was totally unemotional about having lost her ring which her beloved husband had given her...

Maureen that's so sad & a sentiment shared by others too I think.

If it is of value (or even believed to be) then she may have willed it to someone. If so and you have to tell them it was lost or stolen in the home what would happen? They may suspect you.

Thanks Kevin, good point never even crossed my mind but it could well happen in our situation.

Amy (in the US) and a few others had the great idea of buying more that one - if not too expensive I will do this. I have plenty of time (I hope) to find a good substitute before I have to action this new 'plan'.

And Finally....... Thanks to 2Jays for this insightful 'nugget' (excuse the pun!) of wisdom.

Another "little" thing in dementia land that is so hard to get your head round isn't it

Best wishes from Twiddler x