Hi. Confused as to what the best thing to is.

[LPMJJ]

Hi.
This is the first time I have ever messaged on a board anywhere and I'm not really sure where to start. I have been a member of the site for about 18 months and found it so useful and reassuring. So thank you everyone that's posted and shares their stories.

I sposse I should start with a brief explanation of where I am on the journey.

I am 36 years old and full time carer of of my Mum 61 who was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's in October 2014. I have a longterm partner ( who has been amazing though all this) and three children aged 19 ( daughter, at uni, though home for the summer) 12 year old son and a 4 year old daughter.

We brought our first house in June 2014 and my mum moved in with us in Jan 2015.

To be honest it isn't what I wanted but I felt "railroaded" into it by mums sister. Mum was living in Oxfordshire near her family and friends when she was diagnosed. I wanted to look a getting help in and keeping mum in Oxford where I could go and visit every weekend if needed. I got vetoed by my mums younger sisiter who insisted this wouldn't work and mum would be unsafe on her own. After much discussion and by saying I couldn't be a career my Aunt said she wanted to have mum as "you obviously don't have the support of friends and your family to help you like I do". So all was uncomfortably settled. Mum stayed with her sister and I had mum for 1 week in 3 so my Aunt would get a rest. Over Christmas 2014 mum stayed with me over Christmas and new year for 2 weeks then went back to my aunts. During that first week back I had texts a calls from both my aunt and her daughter saying mum needed to come back up to me as my aunt needed more rest. So mum came back up on the Friday and on the following Wednesday I had a call from my aunt saying she wouldn't have mum back. None of my aunts family talk to me now and I feel very manipulated by the whole situation.

We have tried to make the best of the situation here by having work done on our home so mum and us could have some of our own space and not be on top of each other all the time. I have made sure mum is kept as busy as I can by finding different groups for her to attend every weekday so she is out from 10 till anything between 12:30 and 4pm depending on the group. When she is in she just sits in my kitchen and stares at me. I also take her to a young dementia group once a month and am hoping there is another one nearer by we can attend also about to start.

I don't go to the careers groups as I don't want to take my 4 year old to them.

Mum tells anyone that will listen that she has nothing to do and spends all day upstairs in her rooms and I leave her on her own all the time, if I'm around and say no you go to lots of groups, activities and day outings she simply remarks that she has nothing to do in the afternoons.

I think this may be part of the reason my aunt isn't talking to me as I come across as though I do nothing her her and resenting her being at mine (which is true, if I'm honest). But I have tried to integrate her into my local village and she has now made several friends that she goes out with from the groups I sorted for her.

Anyways the problem is I got made redundant 2 weeks ago and am in the incredibly lucky situation of having been offered an amazing work opportunity to start at the beginning of September. It would mean my being out of the house 7am-7pm Mon, Tues and Fri. My partner and I have ralked this though at length on how to best manage it with the 2 children living at at home and think ( fingers crossed) we have a plan. The issue is mum. She already hates being on her own in the afternoons if I'm out with my daughter or was at work so can't imagine how it's going to work her being on her own 3 afternoons a week. I have sujested 2 options to her.
1 keep things as they are and read/ colour/ watch Telly/ knit for 3-4 hours an afternoon
2 go to a day centre 3 days a week.

As I sure will be no surprise to most of you what mum has taken from this is I'm putting her in a home.

We have just come back from a 2 week holiday to Italy with mum and it has been the most stressful time I've ever had and holiday.

I don't think I can do it again, I constantly feel guilty/and like crying.

I don't know where to go from here I'm so unsure as to what to do. It hasn't helped that mum and I were never close and have always had a strained relationship but everyone I talk to tells me I need to enjoy every minute I can with her. But I can't I can care for her and cook/ clean etc and I do love her but I can't make a relationship where there never was was one.

I really am finding it too much right now. I'm so sorry to of gone on and on. Think after nearly 2 years I just needed to get off my chest. Thanks. I hoping just writing this will of made me feel better. Time for a coffee I think!

 

[Shedrech]

oh my golly gosh LPMJJ
I really hope that writing that all down has helped declutter your mind
what an immense amount of pressure you are under, at only 36 with a family of such a spread of ages - and your mother - and made redundant from your job

I'm sorry none of your aunt's family speak to you - if they can't be of actual support to you, they might at least have acknowledged that your aunt clearly could not cope, so your mum's condition is obviously not easy to deal with

do you have POAs in place? is your aunt an Attorney? I'm basically asking, does your aunt have to be involved in the decisions about your mum's care, or are you able to make those decisions?

you need to have a job and deserve to have one you enjoy - without your mum in the house, I'm assuming there would be no doubts about what to do, as your youngest will be off to school soon
you have done your best by your mum, having her live with you when you did not expect that
personally, I think it's time to put your own family and your own life before hers

you say she doesn't like being on her own, can she go to a day centre every week day? though that still means there's a gap between her getting home and you being home - could you arrange for a sitter to fill the gap?
or - yes, I am going to say this - given everything you have said, including your description of your relationship with her, is it time to consider a residential home? No your mum wouldn't have chosen this as her future, but would she have chosen to live with you either? - she would have company all day and be safe - and you and your aunt(?) could visit as you wanted
I appreciate that this option isn't ideal, and has financial implications as well as considering your mother's welfare, and also depends on whether on not she has capacity .... - maybe visit a few homes yourself to see what you think ...

these are just my own thoughts, and of course I can only say what I think using what you've written
welcome to TP, where you can write whatever's on your mind and folks will respond with understanding and sympathy
best wishes

 

[canary]

Shedrech has said most of what I was thinking while I was reading your post. I also thought - how dare her family criticise you when they are not supporting you in any way and your aunt knows how difficult it to look after your mum? She has thrown in the towel, but expects you to carry on despite having a young family!

Actually there comes a time when people with dementia need someone around 24/7 and there often starts to be problems at night at that point. If your mum moved into a care home her family would probably protest although, unless they hold POA for your mum you can ignore them. Your mum would almost certainly object beforehand, although my mum has thrived and been happy in her care home despite saying that she would rather die than go into a home. Going into a care home has really been the best thing for mum, so dont feel guilty if you go down that path.

 

[HillyBilly]

Hi from me too. I would like to echo what Canary has said above.
You are so lucky re the new job offer and that should be your priority.
Stuff the Aunt(s) and their opinions. They've thrown in the towel as already said.
You're young, you need to think of your future and your childrens' futures.
xxx

 

[LadyA]

I think you are still trying to "reason" with your mum? Trying to explain the reason and logic of day centre, activities etc? - we've all done it. It's one of the things that, over time, I think strips full time carers of confidence. To be blunt, you are like Alice in Wonderland - nothing here works as you would think it would! Hard as it is, you are going to be in charge of decisions.

 

[LPMJJ]

Thank you for all your kind words and support. I thankfully do have POAs in place and registered for finance and health, so that's one less thing to worry about.

You are right though I am still giving Mum options which I know only ends up causing problems but I don't seem to be able to get my head round that at 61 she can't make a decision. I'm going to work on this as your right if I just present things as decided I'm sure Mum won't like it but it will be what it is.

I spoke to S/S yesterday and they did a careers assement over the phone and are going to come out and do a needs assement on Mum. Feels very out of character to be asking for help from outsiders but I think it's time if this is going to work.

I'm going to visit some homes to look at respite care once the children go back to school. And
I think my new mantra is going to be. " don't feel guilty" but we'll see how that goes

Hopefully social services wil be able to help point us in the right direction for some help and respite.

Thank you all so much. Hope all is going as well as can be for everyone else.

 

[HillyBilly]

I'm going to visit some homes to look at respite care once the children go back to school. And
I think my new mantra is going to be. " don't feel guilty" but we'll see how that goes ��

Good girl and well done! x

 

[Lets_Stop_Time]

wow! I take my hat off to anybody who can care for a relative and care for children at the same time. Mine are 5,3 and 1 and we considered moving into MIL's big house to care for her but ultimately I just couldn't - mainly because I think its hard on the children to see it all it can be scary at times.
Does your mum understand at all, even a tiny bit about decision making? because if she doesn't then maybe its best to not always tell her 100% whats happening. As like you said she thinks 'your putting her in a home'.
MIL went to a daycentre and she would tell us it was awful and she didn't do anything and wouldn't go again. But reports from the staff would be 100% different! So I understand when the truth is twisted when they are asked about things.

You certainly have to not make yourself fell guilty. I applaud those who can and do give it all and care 24/7 for a loved one but its not what everybody can deal/cope with mentally or physically. You are only a couple of years older than me and you cant just put good opportunities aside or write them off as they may not come along again.
You have proved you care by what you have done already for your mum. I think if she was able to understand fully she would appreciate it.