Care home, private flat or back together?

[KMH]

Hi there

I have been posting on and off since 2012, to cut a very long story short my mum has MCI as well as very poor mobility, needs ADL support, and dad's dementia status is unclear (more below) but it is at least MCI. There has been a history of domestic abuse (dad on mum) which authorities were unaware of when I started posting on here. Since authorities became aware, there have been seven Safeguarding inquiries, three arrests, one Domestic Violence Protection Order and six court hearings costing around £10,000 (the CPS refused to prosecute dad due to his age so mum has had to get Occupation Orders and Non Molestation Orders herself). I now have LPA for her not him, and have just opened a separate bank account for her. I am 50 miles away and have no siblings, spending 2 days a week there at present.

The upshot is that they have now been separated by the courts for a year after a District Judge finally gave a ruling in July that all the allegations of abuse were upheld and that dad returning home would put mum at risk. She is still in their jointly-owned home (judges are not prepared to give a permanent order as half of it belongs to him). He is in local authority supported accommodation temporarily, but the housing department have said that they are not prepared to house either of them because they have a house. Neither of them want a divorce, he says he loves her and wants to live with her in their house, she does not want him back to live with but will take his daily phone calls.

The judge basically said 'sort it out'. I think he means me because nobody else is going to.

So what is going on with dad's mental state? Back last November his psychiatrist said he had dementia (vascular, from small vessel disease) when he got an Addenbrooke's score of 17/30. However at that time he was diagnosed with depression too and had a UTI. By June this year, his score had gone up to 28/30 (I was in the meeting) and the mental health team discharged him. They said it was 'very mild' which I took to mean MCI. I am now even more confused as somebody seems to have made a referral to an Alzheimer's Society Dementia Adviser, who has visited him at his flat - I have called her as certainly feel in need of advice!!

Meanwhile, he says he does not understand and cannot remember what happened in court, does not know why he is living in a 'doss house' and cannot remember any of the violent incidents. I am back in touch with him although gave him a few weeks to cool off after court, I was a witness against him and compiled much of the evidence (some was from social services) so I could see he would be angry. So am I, though.

He is basically looking after himself. I am very reluctant to take on tasks for him eg shopping, cleaning, laundry as he can actually do most of it himself although I help with heavy items and bedding. I used to call him daily, now I just visit 2x a week and wait for him to call me, which he doesn't although he can. He can actually do a lot more than he lets on, for example from November to July he was taking the pills daily from his dosette box, including his antidepressant (Fluoxetine) but since then he has stopped.

So, the judge wants their future living arrangements 'sorted out'. He cannot stay where he is as it is going to be demolished and replaced, and the housing department will not place him in supported housing as 'he has a house' so this seems to leave three choices at the moment.

Care home - which he most definitely does not want. Although he had bowel cancer last year and it had progressed to lymph nodes, it shows no sign of having returned. He has not had a stroke for 5 years and his heart is much improved since he got a pacemaker last year, he can walk a mile to do his own shopping with a walker no problem. Obviously there is also the option for mum to go to a care home, she has carers 4x a day and is much more disabled than him but she is also strongly opposed.

Private rental - it would be difficult although not impossible to ensure he keeps the place reasonably clean and pays the rent and bills. He might refuse even to consider it. He would be vulnerable to eviction and I envisage a lot of work for me in helping him manage his tenancy, which he may not always allow me to do. He would also eventually spend all of their savings (they have about £60,000 still between them).

Living together again - the only option he is prepared to put any effort into so far, although he has not done much. Am I being stubborn, controlling in being completely opposed to this? Mum is certainly opposed to it, but it would be up to the judge on September 29th next year and they don't like to make permanent rulings it would seem. Is there any way of making it safe? The most recent incidents of violence and aggression against anybody were January/ February this year.

Any views? Any possibilities I have not thought of? Once again, local authority have ruled supported housing out because he has a house.

Hoping as ever there are some wiser heads out there.

 

[Delphie]

Hi

The following is just an opinion so please feel free to disregard.

I really don't think there's a strong case for your dad going back home to mum. Mum is against it and, to be perfectly honest, it's unlikely that dad has changed his ways. The January/February aggression is quite recent and once he's on home turf and has an easy potential victim, I really think he'll revert to previous behaviours. Recidivism for domestic violence is high anyway, and add to that the health complications both your parents have and I think it's unlikely that this will be one of those rare cases that sees a 'lessons learnt' positive outcome.

As to what to do next, well, a private rental will be much cheaper than a care home, although I suppose if he did go into care as a self funder the cash would quickly run out and the house would have to be disregarded if mum was still living there, so at some point the LA would have to take over. But he doesn't sound like he needs that level of care so that's a problem (both with him not being keen and how his needs would be viewed once the LA get involved).

To be honest, you're in a bit of a tight spot. A decision needs to be made and those that have to make it aren't doing it so it falls on you to sort out but you can't make those decisions for them either! Impossible, isn't it. I wonder how the judge would sort it out if it was his problem!

 

[jaymor]

You really are between a rock and a hard place.

With your Fathers half share of the £60,000 he could self fund himself in a care home. The money would soon run out and then he would need to be assessed by the LA as to funding his care. If they deem him not to be needing the care he has provided for himself then they won't fund, which puts you back to square one and his savings gone.

Living together I would say is not on, someone will get hurt, the crisis is there to see.

If there was enough equity in the house would your Mother consider selling it, giving your Father his share and looking for something smaller where she could live in peace. That would increase your Fathers assets to allow him to fund himself for longer which just might take him to the stage where he does require care and the LA will agree to take over.

I feel I have been as much help as the courts have been, not much help at all. They say there is a solution to every problem, you may just have proved this to be untrue.

 

[arielsmelody]

I think your mum & dad need to see a solicitor and agree a divorce/separation or something so that there is a legal document in place showing how their assets are split between them, so that if you need to get local authority help in the future it is very clear how much money each person has.

If your dad's main asset is the family home but your mum doesn't want to move and doesn't want him to live there, it cuts the options down. I don't suppose the house is big enough to split into two separate living areas? He can't borrow money against the house if your mum is living there, so the only cash he has available will be his share of the savings and his pension.

You are in a tough situation - one of them is going to have to compromise somehow. It seems harsh on your mum, but I'd be inclined to try to persuade her to move to a care home and give your dad his share of the house now. Otherwise, his best option is always going to be to move back into the family home.

I do wonder if the LA is right saying that they won't help because he has an asset in half the home - if your mum has the right to live there so the house can't be sold or mortgaged, should that asset be valued at zero? Might be worth getting a professional opinion about that.

 

[Shedrech]

Hi KMH
I remember your previous posts - sounds as though things are a little quieter but nowhere near being resolved
I'm flabbergasted that there seems to have been so little constructive support from the authorities and in awe of your own resilience

I'm afraid I can't think of how to sort things out, either - if you weren't around, I fear your dad would be back in the house and back to old habits

is there no way your mum would seek a divorce; she certainly has the grounds - does she realise that her husband has a legal right to make decisions on her behalf should she not be able to herself (as I understand things)

is it possible for her to buy him out of the house - I guess this will depend on what it is worth (not an estate agent's pie in the sky valuation but what it would really sell for) - that way she may not have any saving left but she owns the house outright (and he can be banned from it) - he then has cash to fund his own residential needs - and though they will still be man and wife, their finances will no longer be intertwined

I feel like jaymor, no help at all

 

[Beetroot]

I know you have approached the L A's housing people, but have you tried Social Services too? Yes, your father does have a home, but he cannot live there as he is a danger to a very vulnerable person i.e. your mother who also lives there. Social services have a duty of care towards both your parents. They cannot force you to do the caring so perhaps you could poinmt that out to them - you help or I'll dump the whole problem on you and walk away. At the bottom of this is a safeguarding issue and I think the DJ's ruling sounds to be pretty clear on that.

Would your father's doctor help with a letter to them about his situation?

Can your parents have a legal separation of some sort if they won't divorce? I'm afraid I don't know the answer, but perhaps a word with a family/divorce lawyer about how a financial settlement might be achieved without the divorce - something that's legally binding that you can show to the L A.

On a more personal note, not that it's much use to you, I do feel great sympathy for you -you're in an impossible position as it is unlikely you'll be able to find a compromise that suits both parties as neither seems to have the mental capacity to understand the difficulties here. Best of luck.

 

[KMH]

Simply the Best

Thank you, because you all are, simply the best. Your collective wisdom is vast and your suggestions are so helpful. Really.

Converting the house to two maisonettes has been suggested quite a few times, but the house is a very small end of terrace with no downstairs bathroom. She can't buy him out as the house is worth about £500k (it's a 'desirable' outer London borough). Equity release would only be possible if dad agrees. In court he chose not to give his evidence, but adjourned saying he intended to force sale of the house through something called TOLATA, but he seems to have no real intention of that and says it was his solicitor's idea. I think that probably equity release and private rent will be the only way to go. Thank you.

I have just got back from a long day at work, six counselling clients 11am - 9pm all with complex situations of their own. In between times managed to speak to the Dementia Adviser who was very kind and helpful but nonplussed like everybody, especially as it seems there is no diagnosis from the psychiatrist which makes it difficult to offer any further support. Also dealing over the phone with the usual daily round of mum's stuff.

Carer wants to take her out, tells me mum wants to go out but mum says she doesn't, really. Carer (really good one although mum says she is 'bossy') also wants the care plan adjusted to a weekly 2 hour outing as 90 minutes is not enough. I agree but the social worker mum has had for two years has now closed the case as there is no more risk from dad, so I don't know who to ask. Where is the wheel chair lap strap? (in the car). Where are the spare car keys? A physiotherapist from the falls clinic has offered an 8 week falls course at the hospital. They have offered transport but mum would prefer me to take her, which would mean me taking eight consecutive Fridays off work. But why can't I? And why has the social worker closed the case when she has had her for so long? Nobody ever tells her anything (I told her two weeks ago but she has forgotten). Home dental appointment needed too, but the home dentists have put a note on her file saying she is able to get to the surgery.

You are all totally right, it is an impossible situation but at least mum is not at risk from dad now, which four years ago seemed impossible too. Yes, part of me wishes she would divorce, part of me wishes even that she would accept residential care as inevitable (her own mum was in residential care), but disregarding her wishes does not sit well with me.

Having read what you have said I feel stronger in my resolve to resist dad moving back with mum if I can. It can't be made safe, and she doesn't want it. Care home is also not an option for him, is it really?

I don't know what will happen next, can only trust that as Shedrech's signature says. 'all manner of things will be very well'.

Thank you and good night xxx