I have experienced a deep downturn in the status of my emphysema. For years now I have been trying to do my best to keep it from down-turning but this last horrible heat spell we experienced here in Michigan took a great toll on me and I won't bounce back this time...and because my doctor now backs away (far, far away) from suggesting treatments for it or any of the other physical difficulties I have, I made the decision for Hospice. This after talking with my son and daughter and several close friends.
I write this because I am still coming out of a terrible experience with my vascular dementia. I believe a combination of things: the heat, the great difficulty breathing and a major upheaval in my personal life created a cognitive melt down. The cognitive deficits were so great that I wasn't certain if I would ever 'come out' of it. I was terrified that I wouldn't. The personal upheaval involved changing completely my next of kin, my POAs for finances and health, and trying to put into place people who could assist me with the things the other person had been doing. Then came Hospice. That decision has brought about a whirlwind of activity. I am not used to activity whirling. These good people are not interested in the dementia...only the emphysema. So, they come at me like speeding bullets; I have had to constantly ask them to slow down; give me time to respond; allow me to write things down; let me know when they're coming--not just show up as their schedule dictates. They make me nervous and that has brought back many of the symptoms that were beginning to leave me. There's so much more I could add to this, but of course I won't do that.
There is a person close to me who has graciously agreed to take over my POA affairs and she is so good about being with me when people come here, but she does live 30 minutes away and she does have her own life. I have tried to co-ordinate the visits with her schedule but it's not always possible. Today I had a Hospice nurse in for evaluation and it didn't take long for me to forget everything he was telling me. I had to have him repeat it all so that I could write it down. And when I tried to express to him my various difficulties regarding cognition, he simply changed the subject to emphysema. Right now, my lung problems and the dementia are running neck in neck for domination of my life. I really don't like that.
Thoughts of my end of life race through my mind. This 'process' of being processed irritates me. I have visions of being 'taken over'. (Yes, that crappy paranoia
) Too many people at once. Too much information to wade through. I'm not ready. I don't want to be ready. I would at least like to be able to approach this with a clear and functioning mind...but I am unable. It just seems like so much right now. And I'm tired. Just weary.
My better angels tell me that this is all just smoke and mirrors. The confusion, the racing thoughts, the visual disruptions and all the rest of my dementia symptoms will settle down and the last thing I need to do is dive into fear.
The good news is that I purposed to write this down and share it with TP. I don't think I have made much sense, but I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm just going to post it. And I just wanted to vent this out and by God's grace that will be all there is to it. Thanks to all of you for being here for me.
Peace and that in abundance to us all...LoisJean
I write this because I am still coming out of a terrible experience with my vascular dementia. I believe a combination of things: the heat, the great difficulty breathing and a major upheaval in my personal life created a cognitive melt down. The cognitive deficits were so great that I wasn't certain if I would ever 'come out' of it. I was terrified that I wouldn't. The personal upheaval involved changing completely my next of kin, my POAs for finances and health, and trying to put into place people who could assist me with the things the other person had been doing. Then came Hospice. That decision has brought about a whirlwind of activity. I am not used to activity whirling. These good people are not interested in the dementia...only the emphysema. So, they come at me like speeding bullets; I have had to constantly ask them to slow down; give me time to respond; allow me to write things down; let me know when they're coming--not just show up as their schedule dictates. They make me nervous and that has brought back many of the symptoms that were beginning to leave me. There's so much more I could add to this, but of course I won't do that.
There is a person close to me who has graciously agreed to take over my POA affairs and she is so good about being with me when people come here, but she does live 30 minutes away and she does have her own life. I have tried to co-ordinate the visits with her schedule but it's not always possible. Today I had a Hospice nurse in for evaluation and it didn't take long for me to forget everything he was telling me. I had to have him repeat it all so that I could write it down. And when I tried to express to him my various difficulties regarding cognition, he simply changed the subject to emphysema. Right now, my lung problems and the dementia are running neck in neck for domination of my life. I really don't like that.
Thoughts of my end of life race through my mind. This 'process' of being processed irritates me. I have visions of being 'taken over'. (Yes, that crappy paranoia
) Too many people at once. Too much information to wade through. I'm not ready. I don't want to be ready. I would at least like to be able to approach this with a clear and functioning mind...but I am unable. It just seems like so much right now. And I'm tired. Just weary. My better angels tell me that this is all just smoke and mirrors. The confusion, the racing thoughts, the visual disruptions and all the rest of my dementia symptoms will settle down and the last thing I need to do is dive into fear.
The good news is that I purposed to write this down and share it with TP. I don't think I have made much sense, but I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm just going to post it. And I just wanted to vent this out and by God's grace that will be all there is to it. Thanks to all of you for being here for me.
Peace and that in abundance to us all...LoisJean
