Father in Law doesn't enjoy our visiting

[Vera's den]

We moved fil into care home 7 weeks ago because of aggressive behaviour to other tenants at the warden controlled flat he lived in and he really liked it from day one. He has settled really well apart from two issues. The first is he doesn't seem to want us there when we visit we have tried taking him out for afternoon tea or to our house for the afternoon as we had always done. We have tried staying in the home but he doesn't respond when we try to talk to him all the while asking are we going now. He is very happy to see his granddaughter when she takes him out on a Sunday afternoon but with my husband and myself he is very distant. Could it be that he feels abandoned even though he is happy in the care home.
The second problem is he keeps asking about getting money he thinks there is a cash machine in the home but that no one will tell him where it is. It doesn't work telling him he doesn't need money. He has £40 in is wallet which is more than the home likes but they realise that if we take it from him it may cause him more distress.
Has anyone any idea what we can do?
Thanks for any advice.
Vera

 

[marionq]

Keep your visits short would be my advice. He may find it a strain answering your questions and being aware of your concerns. No doubt your daughter is more lighthearted. One hour maximum to see all is well then go.

 

[Bod]

Keep your visits short would be my advice. He may find it a strain answering your questions and being aware of your concerns. No doubt your daughter is more lighthearted. One hour maximum to see all is well then go.

I agree keep the visits short and sweet, if thats only 1/4 of an hour then so be it.
Visits can be lengthened later, when he's truly settled. (3-6 months)
Keep contact with staff, to be sure he's ok.

Bod

 

[Risa]

Can you tell your FIL that the cash machine is currently broken, but not to worry as everything is already paid for (maybe he is worrying about paying for food/drink?). Perhaps tell him he has some 'just in case' cash on him for any emergencies.

 

[Vera's den]

Keep your visits short would be my advice. He may find it a strain answering your questions and being aware of your concerns. No doubt your daughter is more lighthearted. One hour maximum to see all is well then go.

Your right my daughter is more lighthearted and she was always his sweetheart although he tells everyone that she lived with them as a child. We never correct him though. When I go today I will be taking a photo album we put together from a case full of photos we found when clearing his flat. Maybe talking about the long gone relatives will help. We will keep visits to an hour. Thanks for the help.

 

[Vera's den]

Thank you for you help. We will keep the visits short. I must say the care staff have been great they have sent us photos of him joining in different activities.

 

[Grannie G]

. I must say the care staff have been great they have sent us photos of him joining in different activities.

That is wonderful. Full marks to the care home.

 

[Vera's den]

Can you tell your FIL that the cash machine is currently broken, but not to worry as everything is already paid for (maybe he is worrying about paying for food/drink?). Perhaps tell him he has some 'just in case' cash on him for any emergencies.

We have tried to tell him he can't get money there at the moment and that everything is paid for out of his bank. The care home also keep some money in the safe to pay for other expenses. He tried to pay the hairdresser 50p for his hair cut last week.
Thanks for your help.