Have I done the right thing? Care home at 59.

Homerose

Registered User
Dec 8, 2014
12
0
Hi all
I'm so confused, it's so hard to make emotional decisions, I find it hard to look at things objectively and really hope I'm not making decisions in my own interest.
My 59 year old mum was diagnosed with 'severe dementia with frontal features' about 18 months ago. I had seen the signs about 3-4 years ago but she refused to discuss it or see the GP. She was diagnosed after a crisis when my step dad, her carer, was rushed into hospital. I moved in and took a week off work with dependents leave but ended up off sick for another 5 weeks with anxiety. I'm still on anti depressants and it took me to a really low point. Since then her husband has been in and out of hospital with heart failure, each time I have moved in. He was given 12-18 months to live over a year ago. 3 weeks ago he was admitted again, I moved in but was due to start a new job a couple of days later. I decided respite was the only option as she's not safe to be left alone and had started having very agitated auditory hallucinations where she would shout constantly about someone killing me or killing a baby etc. It was mind bending to listen to and trying to reassure her was a full time job. Doctor increased her ridperidone to help.
She's been in respite 2 weeks and has settled relatively well. She asks to come with me when I leave but not specifically to go home. There are lots of activities and she is occupied most of the time and the 'killing' outbursts have diminished. We have today decided to make the placement permanent. I feel terrible. My step dad initially wanted her home but I don't feel he's well enough to give her the care she needs to be occupied during the day. He tends to let her wander round shouting and just ignores it. I don't think that's fair on either of them. They're health is going to get worse and I can't bear taking her in and out of respite if he's in and out of hospital. Plus there's no guarantee there would be s place at this home in future. The home manager and her CPN feel it's the best thing but I just feel so guilty and that I've failed my mum seeing her in a care home at 59 :-(
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
7,085
0
Chester
You've not failed your mum - you've done your best.

You've spent so much time looking after her. As you say she is settled, happy and the hallucinations are less.

If you read round the threads you will see that many comment that a loved PWD becomes better in a home, as one person can't give as much assistance as a whole team.

Good luck with your new job.
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hello Homerose
here's why your decision was correct and in your mum's best interests
She's been in respite 2 weeks and has settled relatively well. She asks to come with me when I leave but not specifically to go home. There are lots of activities and she is occupied most of the time and the 'killing' outbursts have diminished
.
you have done your level best for her at some cost to your own health - think of your mum when she was well and what would she have said to you; I doubt if she'd have wanted you to ruin your health or put your job and your future at risk
her age, in a way, isn't relevant, though it's so sad that she's so young - what is relevant is that you have found a place for her to be where she is responding positively, she is safe and looked after all day, every day - that is not failure - you're a good daughter and have done all you can for your mum - be proud not guilty
please go easy on yourself; you need to recuperate so that you can continue to look out for your mum and so that you can lead the life she would want for you
best wishes
 

Beetroot

Registered User
Aug 19, 2015
360
0
My father had heart failure and so did my father in law. They were both in and out of hospital again and again, getting weaker and weaker all the time and needing more and more care themselves. There was no way even in the middle stages they could care for someone else. It is very hard for you that your mother has developed dementia so young, but it sounds as if she is getting excellent care, which can be very hard to come by, and calmer.

The guilt is a normal reaction of someone who loves their parents or partner, but you have done the right thing for all of you. You will be able to enjoy what you can of your mother and so will your step father without the exhausting task of caring for her 24/7 as the disease progresses. You also need to consider your own future: if you don't work now, you will have a very difficult old age yourself. I hope the new job is all you want it to be and now you have made the hard decision, you will have some time and mind space for yourself to recover from your understandable depression. Good luck.
 

HillyBilly

Registered User
Dec 21, 2015
1,946
0
Ireland
Wow Homerose - what you've been doing and what you are still doing for your Mum is the polar opposite of failing her. You've done your absolute best and she would be so proud of you. I do hope that you can now start to rebuild your own life as you know that would be what she wants most.
Big cyber hug from me x
 

Homerose

Registered User
Dec 8, 2014
12
0
Thank you all, I appreciate the reassurance. To be honest the past couple of weeks whilst she has been in respite have been the first time in 2 years that I haven't had a mini panic attack when my phone has rang. Hopefully it'll work out. Best wishes x
 

joanna89

Registered User
Nov 27, 2015
11
0
fEELING GUILTY

Thank you all, I appreciate the reassurance. To be honest the past couple of weeks whilst she has been in respite have been the first time in 2 years that I haven't had a mini panic attack when my phone has rang. Hopefully it'll work out. I truly believe that you came to the right decision. You had no other options and as you say, your mum has settled in well............................and there's nothing to feel guilty about - she's happy, you're happy and now you won't have to worry about him trying to look after her, with the ever-present fear of him having to go into hospitl again.

YOU DEFINITELY DID THE RIGHT THING.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
Agree with all of the above. Good luck with the new job. Don't take your anxiety with you and give yourself a fresh start. She's safe and you can do no more.
 

sford91

Registered User
Nov 4, 2015
115
0
You have definitely done the right thing. Did you have a difficult time finding a home to take her at 59? My mum is 57 and I think within next couple of years she will need care full time.

x
 

Lets_Stop_Time

Registered User
Aug 23, 2015
45
0
You have taken control of this awful situation for the good of everybodys health including your own!!! Its so hard to deal with so well done being brave!
MIL is 63 and we had her move into a care home last year, as we felt she needed the consistency of care she deserved - not to be locked in the house for hours whilst her son went to work/days out/weekends away.
It certainly helped our anxiety of wondering was she okay, was she wandering in her nightie again, lifted a huge weight.
 

Olivia P

Registered User
Sep 2, 2016
5
0
Reading this has made me feel a lot better about considering putting my mum in care home as she is only 63. She is becoming increasingly more difficult to look after. Not even her full time carer can look after her and most evening my sister and I end up having to pick her up. But we have our own children and jobs to look after and go too.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Lets_Stop_Time

Registered User
Aug 23, 2015
45
0
Do lots of research Olivia, make sure its right for you all... certainly sounds like a possible next step for you if her carer cant cope.
I lost count of the care homes we visited but when we found the right one it just felt right.
 

Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,804
0
Ireland
Hi all
I'm so confused, it's so hard to make emotional decisions, I find it hard to look at things objectively and really hope I'm not making decisions in my own interest.
My 59 year old mum was diagnosed with 'severe dementia with frontal features' about 18 months ago. I had seen the signs about 3-4 years ago but she refused to discuss it or see the GP. She was diagnosed after a crisis when my step dad, her carer, was rushed into hospital. I moved in and took a week off work with dependents leave but ended up off sick for another 5 weeks with anxiety. I'm still on anti depressants and it took me to a really low point. Since then her husband has been in and out of hospital with heart failure, each time I have moved in. He was given 12-18 months to live over a year ago. 3 weeks ago he was admitted again, I moved in but was due to start a new job a couple of days later. I decided respite was the only option as she's not safe to be left alone and had started having very agitated auditory hallucinations where she would shout constantly about someone killing me or killing a baby etc. It was mind bending to listen to and trying to reassure her was a full time job. Doctor increased her ridperidone to help.
She's been in respite 2 weeks and has settled relatively well. She asks to come with me when I leave but not specifically to go home. There are lots of activities and she is occupied most of the time and the 'killing' outbursts have diminished. We have today decided to make the placement permanent. I feel terrible. My step dad initially wanted her home but I don't feel he's well enough to give her the care she needs to be occupied during the day. He tends to let her wander round shouting and just ignores it. I don't think that's fair on either of them. They're health is going to get worse and I can't bear taking her in and out of respite if he's in and out of hospital. Plus there's no guarantee there would be s place at this home in future. The home manager and her CPN feel it's the best thing but I just feel so guilty and that I've failed my mum seeing her in a care home at 59 :-(

You have NOT failed your Mum. You love her very much and now she is safe and well. Your caring role will continue. Yes the guilty feelings keep tormenting us, like some feelings, let them be for a while and as you get stronger you will be able to deal with them. Yes I am in the guilty mode and it is not easy.
 

AlisonJC

Registered User
Sep 6, 2016
1
0
I'm also considering putting my mum in a care home (she's 64), but whenever we visit or go to day centres, the other people are so much older and it seems completely inappropriate for her. Have you found somewhere for younger people, or is it just something we have to put up with?