Feeling angry, why?

[Gwendy1]

I'm hoping I'll feel better if I write this down. Recent visits to dad have been pretty grim. He speaks very rarely, although he's been awake more. He just stares at me, or looks around at anything going on in the care home. Yesterday he wasn't staring, but glaring at me. I know it was a glare. But then, after an hour of silence towards me, dad answered another visitor who was in the lounge when she spoke to him!!! I headed off then. I was really really upset. Sat crying in my car. I still am, tbh. And I'm angry, and I'm ashamed that I'm angry. I don't even know what I'm angry about!!! In comparison with what others are dealing with, it's so insignificant an 'event'. After dealing with the last few years, and all that dad and I have been through..I feel so stupid.


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[Caroleca]

Gwendy,
I am sure many of us cry in the car...I know I do..even if it's been a "good" visit...let it out...so hard to not take these things personally isn't it?

 

[teahound]

Gwendy that's really hard, I feel for you. I found it really hard when mum glared at me and her eyes were so angry and she was growling. Please don't be so hard on yourself, it's not insignificant. It's really difficult to see someone you love respond like this and it's understandable to feel angry. Hard too that he reacted differently to another visitor. More often than not with my mum it's the seemingly small things in the grand scheme of things that set me off worse than the big things, they get through my coping armour. I think as well because I don't expect them to because I feel I should dismiss them as small things it feels worse. Sorry to be a bit rambly. Take care and big hugs xx

 

[Gwendy1]

Thank you both for your kind support. I sometimes feel I'm very alone with this. Your responses mean a lot. I don't think I express myself very well- it's because I'm a 'coper' I think. Even when I'm really not coping, I can't say it well. And I'm really struggling just now. Thank you again. X


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[MrCanuck]

I think its pretty safe to say EVERYONE gets angry. I've been angry at everything myself. I've been angry at my dad for dying and not being here to help with mom, I've been angry at mom for getting this damnable disease and mostly I've been angry at myself for being angry.

I think it comes from the fact that this is all so unfair and there isn't anything we can do to fix it.

I also think this is why so many PWD also get angry,

 

[Red66]

Oh Gwendy, please remember that this isn't your dad as you really know him. It's like an imposter called dementia set in. My dad wouldn't talk to mum and I but as soon as a nurse or care assistant walked in he would be full of smiles and his eyes light up. I wasn't too upset but mum took it personal and felt he glared at her as she put him in there. The fact of the matter is his lucid moment weren't long enough to process such a thought and he just saw the staff all the time and not once or twice a day. Please don't take it personal. Is your dad's dementia good enough (so to speak) to be able to process thought against you to purposely not to speak to you? Reading your other posts, I don't feel that he could. I know your upset but it's the imposter not your dad as you remember and love xxxxx

 

[Georgina63]

I cried in the car on Wednesday after dropping mum and dad off at care home. I'm fully expecting for this to be a regular occurrence. Luckily there is a little layby not far from the entrance ! Sorry it was a bad day. Maybe the next visit will be more positive? I hope so, but as others have said, this is not the Dad you knew, but the new Dad who has the ability to make you feel guilty and sad, even though you are doing your best for him. Gx

 

[jhoward]

'new' Dad who has the ability to make you feel guilty and sad

There used to be a way of thinking that no one could "make" you feel guilty and sad - that it's your choice. I'm not sure I totally agree, but it's worth thinking about, I guess. From my point of view, it's worth being quite resolute with yourself, and maybe talk to someone about it to get a clearer view. From here it sounds as though you're being strong and kind and helpful.

If he's choosing to make you feel guilty and sad, then he's the one in the wrong, I'd say. (Maybe you could imagine making him 'feel guilty and sad' for being so demanding and making your life difficult - is that what Dads are meant to do? If he's not choosing to do it, and you're doing all the things you're doing, then 'sad', sure, but 'guilty' - no.

The whole situation is so complicated and miserable, isn't it?

 

[Amy in the US]

Gwendy, I don't have an explanation for you, just sympathy. My mother (Alzheimer's and no short term memory) is also in a care home and sometimes when I visit, I cry in the car afterwards, sometimes I don't, and sometimes I feel out of sorts and upset a day or two later. If there is any pattern or way to predict my reaction, I've not figured it out. I know the only way to handle things is to have no expectations and just go with the flow of whatever happens, but I can't always manage to do that. Often I feel that whatever I do is the wrong choice. I'm sorry if you feel that way as well.

Things that have helped me:

-always have a plan of where I will go and what I will do after a care home visit (even if I change my mind, it gives me something to look forward to)

-I do best if I do something physical afterwards, like go for a walk or running errands, but a walk outdoors is best

-sometimes favourite music in the car afterwards helps (depending on if you're driving and the length of your drive)

Would it be possible for you to consider, even temporarily, cutting down on the length and/or frequency of your visits? I know that's not always an option, but if you find yourself feeling particularly upset or frustrated, there is no reason not to give yourself a break.

Also if I were in your situation with him not being verbal, I would take something to read or do with me. Sitting in silence must be very hard. Although I imagine you've already thought of that!

I imagine you're angry about the disease, or the situation, or any number of things. Feeling angry can often be just the tip of the iceberg of other emotions (something someone said to me long ago that has frequently been accurate), if you don't mind the silly mental image and phrase. So maybe the angry feelings are just masking other feelings, or not.

I know how much I hate this wretched dementia and what it's done to our lives.

Very best wishes to you.

p.s. comparisons are odious and not permitted! We are all struggling with this disease and you are not to berate yourself that others have it harder than you and so you mustn't grumble. We are all just coping the best we can, and we are all different in how we do that.

 

[Ottoman68]

Gwendy

I would like to echo a couple of Amy's comments and add another two.

It could well be that your visits are too long and too frequent both for him and for you. With my own father, I found that an hour, three times a week, made for a good visit.

If he is beyond conversation, then would it be possible to bring in something he used to enjoy, eg short stories or a newspaper, and read it to him?

Finally, would it be possible to take him for a walk (in a wheelchair if necessary) so that you both have a change of scenery?

All the best

 

[Gwendy1]

Thank you all. ❤️️ saw dad today, he wasn't glaring at me. He just looked like a defeated, ill, very tired, old man. I tried to put myself in his place- lost his soulmate 2 years ago( my mum), lost his life to grief and this illness. I never grieved for my mum, didn't have a chance, straight into coping with dad's illness/situation. I'm still angry. I'm angry at the staff at the home who don't 'see' my dad. I'm angry that I visit and he's looking at a child's book, when he was an English teacher. I'm angry when the staff say he was 'chatting' to them, he rarely speaks, why make up nonsense? I know he wasn't. Just like he 'ate all his dinner', when it's sitting untouched in his room. I'm just angry. I know this is probably a 'grieving' thing, but dad is still here. Or maybe it isn't, maybe I'm just turning into a horrible person. I hope it's a grieving thing, If there's a next step, I long to accept this. I long for the day this anger goes away. My poor dad. Cold comfort that my mum isn't here to see this, be hurt by this. I'm sorry for this post too, so negative. Praying that a cure will be found. Hoping that I'll deal with this!!!! And stop being so weak. X


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[Red66]

Oh Gwendy it really sounds like you are having a really tough time. I really do sympathise. I don't feel like I have had chance to grieve for my dad's illness as it moved so fast while he was alive and since he died on Sunday only now I am reflecting on things that happened back in November when he was sectioned. So God knows how you are coping after your mum and moving so rapidly like the flick of a switch to your dad. Have you spoke with a doctor about this? Without wishing to patronise, that is an awful lot to go through and you must be exhausted. Maybe others are right, cut down on your visits grab some rest for yourself. Whilst you are fit and healthy now you don't want to make yourself ill and then you will be of no use to anyone. Make sure you get some time on your own, you will burn out if you are not careful. One thing I do know about dementia is that no 2 visits are the same, and the pwd can be very up and down but you as the daughter (like I did) take things personal and to your dad it just may not be the way that you are taking it, you will never know so dint wind yourself up. One thing for sure is that you can't trust the staff at the NH's, at Dad's nursing home they would say he has ate well but then you would find out he hadn't. Why lie??? Drove me mad too. But that anger, channel, go for a long walk or run and then have a snooze. You deserve it. Red xxx

 

[Shedrech]

Hi Gwendy1
you do need to feel that your dad is in good hands, so that you can let some of that anger go
so please have a talk with the care home manager and explain that you want the staff to be straight with you as you are really concerned about your dad - mention everything that is on your mind - if you think you'll forget anything or not be able to keep your emotions getting in the way, write a list of your concerns and hand it to the manager to read before you talk over each point
I'm sorry if the staff aren't getting to know your dad - maybe I've been fortunate, I chat to the staff on duty each time I visit and over the year have built up a good relationship with them so that I can raise any issues I have just as a 'by the way' eg I'd have mentioned that his meal looks untouched and asked if he'd had no appetite that day - and they let me know if they have any concerns - they know his individual ways and can tell when he's not feeling right, which is a great comfort
so it is possible to have confidence in care home staff, though it takes a while to build up that trust - don't bottle up any anger, let them know straight away that you've noticed something, so they can put it right

and I agree, it's a grieving thing - we're losing our dads, slowly but surely; we're watching it happen each day - I've thought myself that it's 'good' my mum isn't here to see how dad is; then wish she were here cos she'd cope better than me ... but as you say, cold comfort either way

you're not a horrible person at all, though I agree with Red66, you do need to channel the anger or it will eat you up - got any cushions to punch??

 

[Gwendy1]

Good advice-I have plenty of cushions! I need to get myself back to a positive frame of mind. It's the loss of control, I think. I'm really not an angry person at all- everyone thinks I'm very laid back!!! Thank you all. I'll get there. Xx


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[Red66]

Good advice-I have plenty of cushions! I need to get myself back to a positive frame of mind. It's the loss of control, I think. I'm really not an angry person at all- everyone thinks I'm very laid back!!! Thank you all. I'll get there. Xx


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Hit the nail on the head. 'loss of control' that's the problem, we have no control over this illness to lose in the first place. Having to learn to go the flow was the hardest thing for me to do. Everything you are doing for your dad is positive already, you don't need to think positive, you are already acting positively. Think about it xx

 

[Gwendy1]

I was going to give everyone peace from me, but I have to share this! I had a good visit to the CH today. Dad was the same, but(!)I spoke to the asst manager. We discussed dad, and she was lovely- she obv knew dad. She spoke about the huge deterioration in him since she first assessed him( where has the last year or so gone?) dad was up and about, reading his paper, continent, normal diet,working out the exit codes to the door!! Now he's just about able to sit, not speaking, incontinent, choking on his soft diet. She was honest and listened to me. There was none of that 'he's fine' stuff that drives me mad. I need to know that the staff 'see' that dad is failing. I know that sounds terrible, but I needed to know that they were aware, able to cope with what may come. So, i feel a bit more positive. X


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[Red66]

I was going to give everyone peace from me, but I have to share this! I had a good visit to the CH today. Dad was the same, but(!)I spoke to the asst manager. We discussed dad, and she was lovely- she obv knew dad. She spoke about the huge deterioration in him since she first assessed him( where has the last year or so gone?) dad was up and about, reading his paper, continent, normal diet,working out the exit codes to the door!! Now he's just about able to sit, not speaking, incontinent, choking on his soft diet. She was honest and listened to me. There was none of that 'he's fine' stuff that drives me mad. I need to know that the staff 'see' that dad is failing. I know that sounds terrible, but I needed to know that they were aware, able to cope with what may come. So, i feel a bit more positive. X


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Hi Gwendy, I completely get this, i was like this with my dad. I used to feel like they thought I thought that dad was the 'only one'. If that makes sense! And when they recognised the decline it kind of made me feel better too. Not that it's good to have the dementia worsen obviously! But it is good to realise that you as the daughter are not going mad and getting the shrug off. I am however sorry to hear of your dad's decline. It's not easy xxx

 

[Shedrech]

Hi Gwendy1
I'm so pleased - if you know what I mean .... I agree that I need to know the staff are seeing my dad as he is and supporting him; if I know that, however bad or good a day it is, I have confidence that they will cope with him well and I can relax
so I understand
maybe pop in to see that particular person once a month or so, just to keep in contact - so you can keep the positivity flowing

 

[Red66]

How you getting on Gwendy? X

 

[Gwendy1]

Hi Red, I'm ok. Hope you're doing ok, more importantly. You're nearly at your dad's funeral day. I so hope you get through it ok. My wee dad just the same. Living thru the choking thing.. Went after work to see him. Well, you know.. You've been there. Trying to be strong, like you were. (Are) ❤️️Take care. Xx


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