Feeling shellshocked - mum and dad now at care home

[Georgina63]

I have renewed respect, admiration and empathy for anyone who has made the decision to move a loved one into a care home. I dropped my mum and dad (both have AD) at CH today. Dad didn't really understand why or what was going on and didn't want to be there. Mum was very distressed and didn't want me to leave. I know that there will inevitably need to be time for them to settle, but that has to be one of the hardest and upsetting things I have ever had to do. Living at their home was no longer sustainable and mum, who is more advanced needs more care, which we tried our best to explain to dad. It's been a difficult decision to move them together as arguably dad is not quite ready, but after 60 years of marriage it is hard to figure out how they would each fare if separated. The CH suggested leaving it a day or so before visiting. That sounds unbearable, but equally, I don't want to cause further distress by visiting and having them think I'm there to take them home. Any thoughts most welcome. Gx

 

[Kevinl]

You have to give them some time to settle into their new community, hopefully they'll make new friends there and at least they still have each other.
A lot of us here will be going to bed alone tonight and seeing your partner is a "visit" not just something that happens all day, everyday.
I hope it all works out well and I'm sure you've done the best thing.
K

 

[Georgina63]

You have to give them some time to settle into their new community, hopefully they'll make new friends there and at least they still have each other.
A lot of us here will be going to bed alone tonight and seeing your partner is a "visit" not just something that happens all day, everyday.
I hope it all works out well and I'm sure you've done the best thing.
K

Thanks Kevinl, That indeed must be dreadfully hard (understatement) and no doubt would have been the case for dad being at home on his own. I shall try keep that in mind rather than beating myself up about the 'love lies' I had to tell. Gx

 

[paulinem]

Care Home for Mum and Dad

I have renewed respect, admiration and empathy for anyone who has made the decision to move a loved one into a care home. I dropped my mum and dad (both have AD) at CH today. Dad didn't really understand why or what was going on and didn't want to be there. Mum was very distressed and didn't want me to leave. I know that there will inevitably need to be time for them to settle, but that has to be one of the hardest and upsetting things I have ever had to do. Living at their home was no longer sustainable and mum, who is more advanced needs more care, which we tried our best to explain to dad. It's been a difficult decision to move them together as arguably dad is not quite ready, but after 60 years of marriage it is hard to figure out how they would each fare if separated. The CH suggested leaving it a day or so before visiting. That sounds unbearable, but equally, I don't want to cause further distress by visiting and having them think I'm there to take them home. Any thoughts most welcome. Gx

My parents have been in a care home for 4 years together. Previous to that my Dad went into a care home for 1 year and my Mum visited him everyday. My mother has Parkinson's and needed 24 hour care which was just too expensive so a decision was made for them both to be in a care home. I wanted them together (they have been married for 68 years) and couldn't bear to part them. It was the hardest thing ever and I still have thoughts of "what if". However, as time has elapsed my mother's dementia has deteriorated to a degree she hardly recognises me and my dad sleeps most of the time and rarely speaks. It is so sad, but a situation I could never have managed myself. They are looked after and have a really good diet. I visit them regularly and know they are safe, however, I know there are people around that probably think that my mum went into a care home too soon.

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time and it can be very upsetting at the beginning, but you will learn to accept that there was no alternative. Take care of yourself.

pauline

 

[Georgina63]

My parents have been in a care home for 4 years together. Previous to that my Dad went into a care home for 1 year and my Mum visited him everyday. My mother has Parkinson's and needed 24 hour care which was just too expensive so a decision was made for them both to be in a care home. I wanted them together (they have been married for 68 years) and couldn't bear to part them. It was the hardest thing ever and I still have thoughts of "what if". However, as time has elapsed my mother's dementia has deteriorated to a degree she hardly recognises me and my dad sleeps most of the time and rarely speaks. It is so sad, but a situation I could never have managed myself. They are looked after and have a really good diet. I visit them regularly and know they are safe, however, I know there are people around that probably think that my mum went into a care home too soon.

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time and it can be very upsetting at the beginning, but you will learn to accept that there was no alternative. Take care of yourself.

pauline

Thanks so much Pauline. It's been amazing to learn how many people on TP have had to look after both parents. I'm sure things will settle down and at the end of the day we shouldn't worry about what other people think - as I've learnt, many have an opinion without the understanding. Really appreciate your kind thoughts. Gx

 

[Amy in the US]

Georgina, I am so sorry for your distress. It's hard to know about visiting right after a move. Don't hesitate to ring the home and ask the staff how your parents are doing, or for updates, as often as you wish.

I will be honest, I did not visit my mother for almost two months after we moved her into her care home. My husband did visit without me. My mother was having delusions that I had stolen all her money and sold her home, et cetera, and after some discussion with the care home staff, I decided to wait to see if she would calm down. After about six weeks the staff reported she was no longer talking about me stealing her money (et cetera) and so we tried a very short visit. I kept them very short, and never went alone, for months.

Other people report being able to visit right away, and every day. I know people from my (local) support group who spend from 4-16 hours a day, every single day, at the care home with their PWD. There is no one right answer for everyone. I hope you are able to figure something out. Do you have exit strategies planned? Can the staff help you with this?

You have ensured they are somewhere safe and well looked after, that's the important part. Hang onto that thought.

Best wishes to you.

 

[Georgina63]

Georgina, I am so sorry for your distress. It's hard to know about visiting right after a move. Don't hesitate to ring the home and ask the staff how your parents are doing, or for updates, as often as you wish.

I will be honest, I did not visit my mother for almost two months after we moved her into her care home. My husband did visit without me. My mother was having delusions that I had stolen all her money and sold her home, et cetera, and after some discussion with the care home staff, I decided to wait to see if she would calm down. After about six weeks the staff reported she was no longer talking about me stealing her money (et cetera) and so we tried a very short visit. I kept them very short, and never went alone, for months.

Other people report being able to visit right away, and every day. I know people from my (local) support group who spend from 4-16 hours a day, every single day, at the care home with their PWD. There is no one right answer for everyone. I hope you are able to figure something out. Do you have exit strategies planned? Can the staff help you with this?

You have ensured they are somewhere safe and well looked after, that's the important part. Hang onto that thought.

Best wishes to you.

Thanks Amy. I think it may be best to wait a day or so, but do feel guilty, especially with Dad that I have made false promises (love lies?) about him being there until mum is better......but I know that the reality is I could not have had a conversation with him where he fully understands the situation and consequences. An exit strategy is a good plan - thought I had one, but when it came to it it was more difficult to execute than I thought (more work required!).
As my OH just pointed out, as we speak they are probably tucked up in bed, safe and sound. That's a good thing. Gx

 

[onlyme1]

hi georgina. I faced a similar thing almost 3 yrs ago, mum and dad went in for 4 wks trial with a view to never returning home. I was completely overwhelmed and had 'decision paralysis'. I took it a day at a time and found it hard to 'let go'. mum settled well, dad continued to ask when they were going home, I kept saying 'you're staying here for now so mum can have a rest'. a friend said I needed to tell him straight 'you live here now'. they share a room with their own double bed etc. he gives mum a kiss at bedtime. I know now that it was the GOOD thing I did for them and in a strange way I'm proud of it. I think your parents will settle well, please try to be kind to yourself. x

 

[snowygirl]

Thank you for posting Georgina. Both my parents have a dementia and my dad is already in a home. Parting them a year ago after 55 yrs was so hard. I believe having them together is a very special thing and continuing the vows they are no longer able to keep themselves. Well done on your decision I hope it all works out well for everyone.x

 

[Georgina63]

hi georgina. I faced a similar thing almost 3 yrs ago, mum and dad went in for 4 wks trial with a view to never returning home. I was completely overwhelmed and had 'decision paralysis'. I took it a day at a time and found it hard to 'let go'. mum settled well, dad continued to ask when they were going home, I kept saying 'you're staying here for now so mum can have a rest'. a friend said I needed to tell him straight 'you live here now'. they share a room with their own double bed etc. he gives mum a kiss at bedtime. I know now that it was the GOOD thing I did for them and in a strange way I'm proud of it. I think your parents will settle well, please try to be kind to yourself. x

Thanks onlyme1 that sounds very similar. We have been telling dad he needs to stay with mum to help settle her in as she needs more looking after now. I guess we are hedging our bets, worried that he in particular won't settle. As you say, a day at a time and a reminder to myself we are just trying to do the best for them and to keep them together. Gx

 

[Georgina63]

Thank you for posting Georgina. Both my parents have a dementia and my dad is already in a home. Parting them a year ago after 55 yrs was so hard. I believe having them together is a very special thing and continuing the vows they are no longer able to keep themselves. Well done on your decision I hope it all works out well for everyone.x

Hi snowygirl, it's such an impossible choice isn't it? And no right or wrong answer. Given dads symptoms and previous behaviour, we have an option to return him home if it's absolutely necessary, but we sincerely hope this is not the case, as the prospect of him being alone at home is not great, and probably not sustainable for very long. Hope your parents are doing ok. Gx

 

[Georgina63]

Settling in

An update on the situation with my Mum and Dad.

I visited them for the first time today after dropping them off at the CH last Wednesday. It's been a long few days, feeling a mixture of relief and anxiety. On the advice of the CH and a belief that it might be better to allow them time to settle, I went along today. After a restless night thinking about it, and dreading it, I could not be more pleasantly surprised. They were both looking well and calm. Dad was visibly pleased to see me. We sat and had coffee until it was time for lunch at which point I made my exit. He was a bit unshaven, but has been reluctant to have any help. He asked about home, but didn't demand to be taken back which is what I feared. Mum was not agitated/frightened as she had recently been. I've gone from shellshocked to gobsmacked! A very strange feeling after the past few years, and the past few months in particular. Not sure what the future holds, let alone the next visit, but will try and make the most of the current positives.

Thank you for all your words of support. TP continues to be such a massive help. Georgina X

 

[Amy in the US]

Georgina, it's good to see your update. I know it doesn't change anything about the situation or how you feel about it, but I am glad to hear that your parents were okay when you went to see them today.

It's especially cheering to hear your mother's anxiety was better. When my mother moved into her care home, she also became significantly less anxious than she had been at home; I know how awful that can be.

I know there are no easy decisions about a care home for anyone, ever, but hope that you feel just a tiny bit less anxious today yourself.

Very best wishes to you.

 

[joppalass]

Been there too

I have renewed respect, admiration and empathy for anyone who has made the decision to move a loved one into a care home. I dropped my mum and dad (both have AD) at CH today. Dad didn't really understand why or what was going on and didn't want to be there. Mum was very distressed and didn't want me to leave. I know that there will inevitably need to be time for them to settle, but that has to be one of the hardest and upsetting things I have ever had to do. Living at their home was no longer sustainable and mum, who is more advanced needs more care, which we tried our best to explain to dad. It's been a difficult decision to move them together as arguably dad is not quite ready, but after 60 years of marriage it is hard to figure out how they would each fare if separated. The CH suggested leaving it a day or so before visiting. That sounds unbearable, but equally, I don't want to cause further distress by visiting and having them think I'm there to take them home. Any thoughts most welcome. Gx

I went through the exact same thing just over two years ago with my parents. I managed to find them a fantastic CH and they were even able to share a large room so that they were still together. Give them time to settle in and try not to visit for longer than an hour or two at any one time. The staff will make sure that they settle into their new routine and deal with any issues that arise. Believe me I know it's difficult to take a step back but for your own sake you must.

Sadly I lost mum at the beginning of June but I know that dad is being looked after by the CH staff which made coping with the loss a wee bit easier (that and a fantastic husband)

 

[Georgina63]

I went through the exact same thing just over two years ago with my parents. I managed to find them a fantastic CH and they were even able to share a large room so that they were still together. Give them time to settle in and try not to visit for longer than an hour or two at any one time. The staff will make sure that they settle into their new routine and deal with any issues that arise. Believe me I know it's difficult to take a step back but for your own sake you must.

Sadly I lost mum at the beginning of June but I know that dad is being looked after by the CH staff which made coping with the loss a wee bit easier (that and a fantastic husband)

Hi joppalass
Sorry to hear about your situation and losing your mum in June. Thanks for your advice. My visit today was a short one, timed so that I could leave as they were distracted by lunchtime - seemed to work and was so much better than anticipated. I will probably give tomorrow a miss and then return Wednesday. I feel that I am not going to be adding much to their wellbeing at present.....just adding a little confusion! My sister arrives at the weekend - now that will be interesting (long story won't go there just now!).
When I started posting on TP, there didn't seem to be many people who had both parents diagnosed - I've subsequently learned there are many. I certainly don't feel as lonely! Gx

 

[Georgina63]

Update on mum and dad in care home

Hi everyone,
I wanted to thank you all again for your kind words and let you know that things are very positive at the moment. Mum and Dad are settling in well just over a month later, I am now visiting them every other day or so. Mum is less agitated and calmer and Dad has even been participating in activities (a revelation!). He does ask about home, but not in a 'desperate to come home home' way. So, all well on that front. I also feel like I have my life back.

The fly in the ointment? My sister will visit this weekend (second time since they moved in, the first being after they had been there for about 10 days). In her reply to my email to her last Sunday (we dont get on, long story and I find this the best way to avoid arguments and unpleasantness) she tells me Dad is desperate to talk to both of us, that he really opened up to her when she last visited and he reiterates his feelings on the phone, that we should respect his wishes and urges me to spend quality time with him! I asked her specifically what she meant....no reply! She lives near London, and would like them to move from near me, to nearer to her, so I can only imagine it has something to do with this. Am trying to not get (more) wound up about it. I will be away most of this weekend and our paths won't cross and normal service will hopefully resume on Monday.
Have a good weeked all. Gx

 

[cragmaid]

I'd suggest that your sister starts to look at CHs near her ( London) area, when she realises the costs, she might rethink! If she can find a CH that can take them both and provide the care they are getting now, then she can talk to you and the CH manager and the SWs too and see what the feasibility of it all really is.

I think that she is feeling guilty in a way, and this is her way of expressing it. Keep the lines of communication open. I really don't think that there will be much chance of the parents moving.

 

[Georgina63]

I'd suggest that your sister starts to look at CHs near her ( London) area, when she realises the costs, she might rethink! If she can find a CH that can take them both and provide the care they are getting now, then she can talk to you and the CH manager and the SWs too and see what the feasibility of it all really is.

I think that she is feeling guilty in a way, and this is her way of expressing it. Keep the lines of communication open. I really don't think that there will be much chance of the parents moving.

Thanks Maureen. There is a care home quite near her which she looked at earlier in the year for the possibility of respite care and longer term care. It is modern, with couples' suites, and as she describes it, wonderful! It is more expensive, but in her mind of course, all round better than where they are (inspite of cost).

We fundamentally disagree as we have done for the past 2 years or so - she has wanted them to move into a care facility pretty much since then, whereas I wanted to support them living at home for as long as was possible. She has not supported me, has undermined me and been very unpleasant, I think as you say out of guilt and grief, but it's be very hard to bear the brunt of that whilst looking after my folks. I sound bitter! More emotionally battered than bitter I think. At least it is easier to manage now that folks are settled in a CH and realistically, I don't think it is at all likely, when they are so settled, that they would move!

I do take your point about keeping communication open. I have always tried to keep her up to date and included, but to protect my wellbeing, resorted to non face to face or telephone exchanges as these always degenerated into nastiness. .

We will have some difficult decisions to make soon (what to do with their house for example), I am just hoping we will be able to agree on these.......Gx