Children Of Dementia

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,050
0
GLASGOW
So today was rge summer fayre at mums nursing home. I went with my sister and children. My daughter had to leave as it was just too sad for her. I was fine seeing so many familiar faces again. When i had to walk out however i just fell to pieces. The pain if leaving and never habing a reason to come back was so painfull. Its do hard to accept she is really gone. Love to all struggling with loss tonight. Xx quilty
 

Jasmine123

Registered User
Jan 22, 2014
42
0
Hi Quitly,

I'm sorry that you found your mothers fayre so hard. And that your daughter found it so hard. I don't really have any wish to go back to my mums home. I don't think I have any pleasant memories there. I do feel sad that my sister will never take her baby back there though, as the enthusiasm all the residents had when they saw the baby crawling and then unsteadily walking was amazing.

My life seems to go on and I am finding it more and more difficult to accept that no one feels the need to acknowledge that my mum died. Went for dinner with 3 close friends and, 2 of whom came to the funeral and 1 of whom I had not seen since the funeral. Despite this, no one mentioned the fact she died or asked how I was doing. 3 hours in, in pub post drinks, I brought it up, it was discussed awkwardly for a minute and then someone changed the subject to chat about the Olympics and that was the end of that. It just seems that either no one cares, no one knows or everyone has decided I am too fragile and thinks it is best to mention it. But in reality I am just getting more and more upset that no one will mention it, or ask how I am.

I don't even know if this is the correct medium to be discussing the loss of my mum as everyone seems to be in such different situation, but really need to write this down somewhere.
 

Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,992
0
UK
We are a strange mixture of cultures and left over hang ups from the Victorians who had a very unhealthy relationship with death. People cross roads to avoid not knowing what to say.

Mum was a big part of my life and was the main person for the last 7 years. Now it's as if she never existed. I understood the 'blessed relief ' bit when she died but that was dementia Mum. Now Mum is being overwritten by my pre dementia mum.

I spent 7 years watching her die bit by bit and grieve until she lost her fight with this nightmare disease and a final goodbye. As the good memories are coming back I seem to be going through another phase of greiving for her. As far as the world is concerned I should be getting over it but as the memories come back it's getting harder.

Sorry to waffle on but hopefully you will understand.

Ps. I'm not a drippy embarrassing mess, I just have all this going around in my head.
 
Last edited:

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,050
0
GLASGOW
Hi Quitly,

I'm sorry that you found your mothers fayre so hard. And that your daughter found it so hard. I don't really have any wish to go back to my mums home. I don't think I have any pleasant memories there. I do feel sad that my sister will never take her baby back there though, as the enthusiasm all the residents had when they saw the baby crawling and then unsteadily walking was amazing.

My life seems to go on and I am finding it more and more difficult to accept that no one feels the need to acknowledge that my mum died. Went for dinner with 3 close friends and, 2 of whom came to the funeral and 1 of whom I had not seen since the funeral. Despite this, no one mentioned the fact she died or asked how I was doing. 3 hours in, in pub post drinks, I brought it up, it was discussed awkwardly for a minute and then someone changed the subject to chat about the Olympics and that was the end of that. It just seems that either no one cares, no one knows or everyone has decided I am too fragile and thinks it is best to mention it. But in reality I am just getting more and more upset that no one will mention it, or ask how I am.

I don't even know if this is the correct medium to be discussing the loss of my mum as everyone seems to be in such different situation, but really need to write this down somewhere.

Hello Jasmine, I think this exactly the place to write about how you feel as we are all children of dementia. I think the loss of anyone so close to us is not handled well by anyone. My inlaws just ignore that it happened, which really hurts me. They dont mean to. At work everyone thinks I should be "over it". This is why tp is so vital. Everyone here has a broken heart. Tp helps us live with a broken heart. You are not alone so share away. It might make you feel better. They are all so precious to us.
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,050
0
GLASGOW
We are a strange mixture of cultures and left over hang ups from the Victorians who had a very unhealthy relationship with death. People cross roads to avoid not knowing what to say.

Mum was a big part of my life and was the main person for the last 7 years. Now it's as if she never existed. I understood the 'blessed relief ' bit when she died but that was dementia Mum. Now Mum is being overwritten by my pre dementia mum.

I spent 7 years watching her die bit by bit and grieve until she lost her fight with this nightmare disease and a final goodbye. As the good memories are coming back I seem to be going through another phase of greiving for her. As far as the world is concerned I should be getting over it but as the memories come back it's getting harder.

Sorry to waffle on but hopefully you will understand.

Ps. I'm not a drippy embarrassing mess, I just have all this going around in my head.

I so agree. 2 days after my Mum died all I could remember was predementia Mum. Its devastating isnt it? We understand.
 

Mercuria

Registered User
May 7, 2014
25
0
Well. I’ve reached the six-month mark as my mother died in March. I was kept busy sorting out things with the funeral, the solicitors, my mother’s house, clearance, all the things you do when someone goes. Now the busyness is over and I’m free to resume my life. Free to get my old interests down off the shelf and see if they still fit.

And there just seems to be a large hole in my life. I have no particular desire to do anything much, no enthusiasm for anything, most of it just seems pointless. Counselling hasn’t worked, medication is hit and miss with side-effects (and anything with caffeine, including chocolate, knocks it out); nobody can take grief from you and work it out for you, you have to do this yourself.

The only thing I think I can do is acknowledge that there are going to be times, and triggers, and listen to them when they come up, then go and do something creative. That seems to work best for me. What are others’ coping strategies?
 

Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,992
0
UK
Ive been thinking about why it hits us so hard. Most people see their loved one decline, die, morn them and rebuild their lives but with a loved one hole remembered.

We have had to greave for years, get angry at why them, fight the system, hate the disease, feel guilty that we may not want to go to sort out the mess and their problems for the tenth time in a week, and somewhere in this we think they have become immortal.

When they finally leave this earth it comes as a shock, we feel relief for them but then comes guilt that we didn't do enough or find the cure.

Extreme measures but would voluntarily work help?