How do I stop the anger

holly1807

Registered User
Aug 8, 2016
5
0
I am newly diagnosed at 65 with vascular dementia after a stroke. I have the most wonderful husband in the world so why do I get so angry with him and frustrated when he tries to help me. Sometimes I look into his eyes and it is breaking my heart. Has anyone else felt like this and what can I do
 

irismary

Registered User
Feb 7, 2015
497
0
West Midlands
Hello Holly
I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis and wish I could offer some advice but I am sure your lovely husband understands. Tell him you think he is wonderful and that you love him. That's all he needs to hear. Best wishes xx
 

aprilbday

Registered User
Jan 27, 2016
329
0
Washington, DC USA
You are angry because some of your independence has been stolen from you by this dementia. BUT....Anger will steal more. Allow your husband to show you how much he cares. He deserves that and so do you.
 

aprilbday

Registered User
Jan 27, 2016
329
0
Washington, DC USA
Oh! And how to stop it was your question.
I think you stop it by understanding that for now, it may be a choice. If it is a choice, then decide to choose not to be angry. You take control over that decision if indeed you are able too.
But with that said...sometimes it goes beyond 'choice'. If it does, doctors can address it -usually with therapy, medication or both.
 

aprilbday

Registered User
Jan 27, 2016
329
0
Washington, DC USA
And....actually I think it's really ok to be angry. I have my moments and so do many others. If it goes beyond moments or too many moments of being angry..... then time for extra help.
 

Sue J

Registered User
Dec 9, 2009
8,032
0
Hello Holly, welcome to TP and am sorry that you have had a stroke leaving you with vascular dementia and the anger that often follows.

I have dementia symptoms for 7 years now and it is like experiencing a stroke every month, to varying degrees cause by severe migraine. During the migraine I become like another person, I cannot do anything about my reactions, which is what I find very distressing. Please be gentle with yourself and your husband, when you can.

Apart from the uncontrollable anger I experience during a bad attack I also experience anger at how my life has been changed by what has happened. The latter I can have some control over as I try, on a daily basis to accept the changes in my life and the resultant limitations that I now face. It is a daily battle to try and make the best of this new situation and I have to try, when possible, to be mindful to be patient with myself. I also understand though that my brain has been and is affected by this disease, as has yours, if I can't control my emotions I just have to hope that things will pass into a better phase, which they usually do but no amount of remonstrating with myself or others remonstrating with me will be of any benefit. I echo what others have said if you are struggling let your husband help you. I have got back some skills abilities I didn't think I would and still fight for more.

I hope something helps, but keep posting support her is invaluable.

Take care & best wishes
Sue:)
 

Terry Towelling

Registered User
Jul 4, 2016
55
0
Northamptonshire
Angry Sufferers

Hello all.

It's good to hear the views of sufferers because I am in a similar situation.

My wife suffers and I try to help with all the things that cause her difficulty. Maybe I am doing too much but when I try to get her doing stuff she just ignores me and wanders off. Demonstrating an action doesn't help either.

For the first five years after diagnosis all was OK and helping her was well received but the last couple of years have seen things deteriorate badly.

She gets very angry with me. Now she is off the Memantine things are better but she still has anger spikes at lunch time and dinner time. She tells me I am stupid and that I don't do anything - amongst other stuff. She will become utterly uncooperative and just won't do a thing to make life run smoothly.

A couple of years ago she said to me (very tearfully) 'thank you for everything you do for me'. That really touched me and made me even more determined to work hard and look after her until the very end.

Can any sufferers give me any guidance? Maybe the disease has gone too far, though...

Things are especially difficult as her speech and language skills have been very badly hit.
 

aprilbday

Registered User
Jan 27, 2016
329
0
Washington, DC USA
Hi Terry,

Thank you for your post. You must be experiencing a real roller coaster ride! I am sorry that this has struck.
You sound like you are doing all the right things for your wife and she may not be able to always tell you how much she loves and appreciate it. It made me smile when you still remembered when she did tell you.
I think dementia is very individual to the person, but I do believe there are certain stages to be aware of.
Here is a link that describes the stages: http://www.aplaceformom.com/dementia-care/dementia-stages

Sending hugs your way. I hope the link helps. I have early dementia (I am 62) and sometimes do not write-think as eloquently as some others-(there are some fantastic writers on here who have amazing advice!) so forgive me if something is ever amiss in my postings.

Denise
 

Terry Towelling

Registered User
Jul 4, 2016
55
0
Northamptonshire
Thanks, April/Denise.

My wife is 74 (diagnosed at 67) and is some way between stages 4 and 5.

We got together when I was 21 and she was 41 (yes, I was a Toy Boy) so I am only 53 at the moment. I guess this means I am at an advantage, being relatively young, and I should be able to cope for some time.

I just hope and pray for times when she will let me (or indeed anyone) help her with things. She is still reasonably capable but just won't do things and won't let me do them either.

Hey Ho, off we go into another uncertain day - for both of us.
 

ossie10

Registered User
Jul 22, 2013
54
0
anger is an emotion which i have trouble with.Its in a way( Being an ex boxer)hard to fight something i cant see/understand.My son it seems every few minutes asks'you alright dad?'
Even though i know he is a loving caring kid,it really annoys me and at times i let rip,only for about five seconds,ask me why i do?I 'aint got a clue

keep fighting and smiling Holly and the rest of us

love ossie 10
 

holly1807

Registered User
Aug 8, 2016
5
0
Thankyou

Thank you to everyone for your replies they have all helped in their different ways. I am trying to use up my time getting things organised which keeping me occupied and not able to think about the anger.
I realise how much I have been allowing my hubby to get away with. lol. He didn't even know who our utilities suppliers were as for the past 30 years I have dealt with everything. He is just going to have to change a little.
 

jhoward

Registered User
Aug 3, 2011
183
0
87
west sussex
Thank you to everyone for your replies they have all helped in their different ways. I am trying to use up my time getting things organised which keeping me occupied and not able to think about the anger.
I realise how much I have been allowing my hubby to get away with. lol. He didn't even know who our utilities suppliers were as for the past 30 years I have dealt with everything. He is just going to have to change a little.

It's OK, even legitimate, to be angry, I was once told, about injustice, loss, etc. It's what you choose to do about it that matters. it sounds as though your 'doing' is spot on, holly.
 

LoisJean

Registered User
Jan 11, 2016
93
0
76
Northeast Lower Michigan, USA
I am newly diagnosed at 65 with vascular dementia after a stroke. I have the most wonderful husband in the world so why do I get so angry with him and frustrated when he tries to help me. Sometimes I look into his eyes and it is breaking my heart. Has anyone else felt like this and what can I do

Hi, Holly.. I was given the diagnosis of vascular dementia about a year ago, altho the symptoms have been with me for a very long time. I have had severe hypertension and vascular disease over half of my life. I am 68. I have not had observable strokes.

I am just now coming out of a very dark place where all of my symptoms were in full bloom for many weeks. I could not communicate. My friends here at TP are precious to me and here is the first place for me to get back to...in fact, your post is the first one I'm responding to. I determined that I'm going to push myself to respond to at least one post a day on Talking Point.

You are speaking of the terrible anger that erupts without your permission. It hits you before you can catch it. You fly off the handle; you rant; and you hear yourself and it's so ugly and mean and you can't even begin to comprehend the why of it. It's just there and it's real! And perhaps underneath all that is an incomprehensible sorrow that causes you erupt into tears.

May I say that you are possibly reacting to a deeper sense that you may not be able to completely identify. You just react. It is our nature to protect ourselves from threats at deeper levels than we can easily describe. We just can't react to the sense like we used to. The areas of your brain required to deal with those triggers have been damaged. It is NOT YOU. It is an organic process that you have no control over. Horrible as it is, again...IT IS NOT THE YOU OF YOU.. no need for apologies to anyone.

Once I accepted this and was able to express it out to people who occupy space in my life, I was able to get about the business of moving forward. All I can do is express the nature of my dementia to those people who say the care about me..I cannot control nor decide how they are to react. That is truly their choice. Then again, I have had outbursts at perfectly innocent strangers--for them I can only hope that I will grab it long enough to just say: "I have dementia-it's not my intent to be hurtful". It is not easy for any of us. But you and me and all of us still have a life to live and I believe we want it as full and happy as it can be. A good knowledge base of what vascular dementia is, (in fact all the dementias that people here suffer), helped me to understand that even tho I'm powerless over it's progression, I am not helpless to learn what I need to do when my aware and reasoning self goes "ass over teacups";) Dementia can be an amazing teacher.

I live alone. I have people who come around and I have more help with household chores, and sometimes I wish I had someone here 24/7 to rant at. Mostly it's my cat, Pearl. But, I do have a few good friends who have decided to stick around and have made an effort to understand, and I am free to be who I am at any time with them..No matter who I am at the time!:confused:

Stay with us here, Holly. I can't tell you how close I've become to so many of these wonderful people. In many respects they restored my sanity. There is a wealth of information here, too. Take advantage of everything and everyone available to you.
None of us share the exact same symptoms.. just like we don't share the same exact brain. We are all unique in how our uniqueness is impacted by this disease. But every time it beats me up, I learn something new about myself.

Excuse the length of this..but honestly, it feels good to write again!:D

Peace and that in abundance to us all.. LoisJean
 

Sue J

Registered User
Dec 9, 2009
8,032
0
Excuse the length of this..but honestly, it feels good to write again!

So good to 'see' you back Loisjean and thank you for the long post, it is very helpful to me:)xx
 

aprilbday

Registered User
Jan 27, 2016
329
0
Washington, DC USA
Loisjean
Thank you. Your post helped me.
How happy I am that you are here! I love the goal of one post a day. It's just so helpful to others to read about experiences that only we can truly understand.
My goodness....I felt justified after reading your post. Thank you so much.