When is the right time to take Mum out of the care home for visits to my home?

[billybw60]

Mum has been in the care home now since late May and whilst still wanting to leave the home, she has settled to a certain degree. So much so she is now in love with one of the gentlemen in the home and it appears the feeling is mutual! They have just moved her into a room actually on the dementia floor (last week)so should be getting better care than just being on the residential floor but it has confused her again and she keeps going in to the wrong room.

I would like to bring her to my home for a meal and a visit but my question is when is the right time to do this? I don't want to add to her confusion and as she is so concerned when I visit her now as to where her gentleman friend is, will she be wanting to bring him on the visit!

I have held off since May to bring her out of the home as I did not want to add to her confusion, but I really don't know when the right time will be.

Any advice greatly appreciated please

 

[canary]

Hi jmastin. I used to bring mum back for a meal, but she is now at the stage where she is unable to do this any more. Its a nice thing to be able to do while you can. Id give her a few weeks to settle again and then try. I assume that her "gentleman friend" is in the residential section? She will probably forget about him in a few weeks, so long as no-one reminds her. When she asks where he is just say that he is at work/on holiday/out shopping/whatever excuse will appease her and that he will be back soon - then distract her (a cup of tea and biscuit always works for mum). She will get used to her new room soon enough.

 

[cragmaid]

Does Mum have memory of her home or her previous life? Does she see the CH as "Home"? Have you spoken to the CH about taking Mum out?
I' m trying to say that it might better to take Mum out somewhere more anonymous than your home first. You don't know how she will react to a trip out. It might scare her to be out of the CH, she might refuse to return.
Ask the care staff and if you take her out then arrange to return her for Lunch time or tea time and ask someone to meet you at the door.
I really home that all goes well.

 

[Amy in the US]

Does your mum go out of the care home on outings, and if she does, do the staff report any problems with that?

We only take my mother out of the care home, to other places, not our house. She likes "to go out." Sometimes it's lunch, a quick shop at the grocery store, ice cream, or just a drive. We are finding that we are getting better at judging her energy/confusion levels and knowing when she has had enough. We almost always do this around lunchtime, or early afternoon. She's not good first thing in the morning and she can start to sundown as early as late afternoon.

So you might consider time of day, as well as your destination and length of outing. Tying your departure and/or return to something in the care home's routine, and getting the staff to help you, might help as well.

I'd talk to the staff and see what their thoughts are. It might be good to wait until she has gotten a bit more used to her new room, or it might not matter. It is hard to know.

As far as her obsession with the gentleman friend, I am sure that the staff could keep him out of sight while you visit her and/or take her out, and I would just come up with a simple explanation of where he is ("he is not here/on holiday/with his family/at work/doing errands") and just repeat it, word for word, with a calm demeanour, every time she asks. (Repeat, and then change the conversation. And be prepared for lots of repetition.)

You won't know how it will be to take her out, until you try. Hope you can figure out something that works for everyone.

 

[Tears Falling]

Probably an idea to think about whether your mum will get benefit from visiting at home for a meal. If it wil, cause distress during the visit or when she gets back to her residential home then I would suggest it doesn't happen. You could go to a neutral place like a cafe or garden centre so the visit can be quick if needed if your mum is distressed and she needs to go back.

Alternatively bring a picnic into the home so it can be shared with fammily and indeed your mums friend if appropriate.

 

[billybw60]

Thank you all for your replies. Most helpful. I will leave for a few more weeks to see if she settles a bit better and then take advice from the staff.

Thanks again.