I have been caring for my mum for just over 2 years now. She was living in her own flat and at the time was very frail, then she had a bad fall and and lay on the floor from 10pm until 8am until she phoned us, it was then apparent she couldn't look after herself. She came to live with my husband and myself, we are both retired. She has now been diagnosed with dementia. Over the past couple of months I have noticed a big decline in her mental ability. The biggest problem, among others, is her hygiene, she is not getting washed or changing her clothes anymore. She has had assessments from social services, doctors etc. but they say unless she accepts help there is nothing they can do. She will not accept my help at all, and hasn't had her hair washed for over 2 months now. She says she can manage herself. I have requested a shower chair for her and I know I will battle with her getting into the shower. She also has heart disease, COPD, doesn't eat, and hasn't been outside for nearly 10 years, so she is completely housebound, so in fact she is just existing. I would love to hear from other members who are having similar problems, and have you overcome them
Caring for mum with Dementia
- Thread starter maddison
- Start date
Hi....my mom is 92 she lives alone but has altzimers and dementia, heart trouble and arthritis, she was diagnosed Feb time. My mom refuses to believe anything is wrong but it is quite plane to see there is, she doesn't shower for weeks, has hair washed once a fortnight, says her clothes are clean and have been worn for months, she visits me once a week and once a week with my sister. Luckily for us when she was assessed the doc said she had a choose of carers or nursing home...she has falls... My mom wanted him out of house and just agrees with people to shut them up so signed for carers. She hates them and they don't really do much but at least they check on her twice a day,they do her washing which is a great help but the machine scares her to death, she's a wreck every time washing machine is turned on. I visit her and so does another sister, mom won't cook now and just sits there no tv on or radio, she says she does but only in evening. Carers say she's nice to them but when I see her she is so angry about them. Social worker tried to get her to go to clubs but no way. She has no life what so ever. We try but she says no. When it's hot I worry because she won't have a door or window open, carers open them she shuts them. We are running out of ideas . But at the end of the day if we have tried and she doesn't want to do anything what can you do? It's very hard....she's being assessed again Monday but we all know she's worse. No idea what this will acheive .
Big hugs and a glass of
Hi Maddison,
When my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, she was early stages. It has gotten worse and we are now in our 8/9th year. Mum personal care got less and less and I decided to step in and try to help. I'm her 46 year old son ( the youngest of 5 boys no sisters ). At first it was tough and she refused but over time, a lot of patience and some humour, I can give her a bath, I get her to wash her face and hands when I'm with her in the mornings and at night before bed. When she is on the loo, I can clean her after she "goes" and it's all done with a laugh to stop any embarrassment. With her clothes, I would take them at night to be cleaned and leave out the exact same outfit as I would have bought 2/3 of the same top/trousers. The carers are great and know her routine and work with me regarding washing/dressing etc.
My mum is sensitive to loud noises and that is similar to people with Alzheimer's. Is the washing machine loud? Or is it near to where she sits? Maybe try to take her clothes and wash them yourself at your home and bring them back fresh?
Hope this helps. I'm reasonably new to this forum but I find it helps reading other people's situations and you can be surprised at what advice you can give from your own situation.
Be strong. Take every good day as a blessing.
Hi Maddison,
When my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, she was early stages. It has gotten worse and we are now in our 8/9th year. Mum personal care got less and less and I decided to step in and try to help. I'm her 46 year old son ( the youngest of 5 boys no sisters ). At first it was tough and she refused but over time, a lot of patience and some humour, I can give her a bath, I get her to wash her face and hands when I'm with her in the mornings and at night before bed. When she is on the loo, I can clean her after she "goes" and it's all done with a laugh to stop any embarrassment. With her clothes, I would take them at night to be cleaned and leave out the exact same outfit as I would have bought 2/3 of the same top/trousers. The carers are great and know her routine and work with me regarding washing/dressing etc.
My mum is sensitive to loud noises and that is similar to people with Alzheimer's. Is the washing machine loud? Or is it near to where she sits? Maybe try to take her clothes and wash them yourself at your home and bring them back fresh?
Hope this helps. I'm reasonably new to this forum but I find it helps reading other people's situations and you can be surprised at what advice you can give from your own situation.
Be strong. Take every good day as a blessing.
Welcome to TP.
Previous post have great ideas. The humour way is called compassionate communication.
Link http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showpost.php?p=413710
Madison, maybe introducing a career as a cleaner or something else may help.
In early stages it is important to organise POA and wills.
Previous post have great ideas. The humour way is called compassionate communication.
Link http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showpost.php?p=413710
Madison, maybe introducing a career as a cleaner or something else may help.
In early stages it is important to organise POA and wills.
Thank you for your reply Mark, the problem with my mum is she doesn't change into day clothes, she is in a nightdress and dressing gown all the time. She just refuses me helping her, I think she really needs carers to come in to help, but she refuses them also. I really admire you Mark to do this for your mum, she is very lucky
Be positively patient.
Hi Maddison,
What about putting on some of her favourite music/ tv programme? Try to get your mum relaxed then while smiling, ask if she would like help changing. Even get a couple of nighties out and ask her if there is one she would like to change into. Let your mum feel your there to help but she can choose what she wants to wear. My mum loves Dean Martin/ Frank Sinatra and old musicals. Sometimes I'll even get her up and we'll dance around the living room. Anything to make her feel happy and connected to the world. Sometimes on good days she'll start singing along to the songs and it still astounds me when this happens. My mum also has dyphasia which means she knows what you're saying but can't articulate what to say back. She keeps saying " that's that" over and over in succession. When you talk to her, she'll reply with a "that's that" but maybe saying it as a question and I'm that used to it you can almost hear really what she wants to ask and then I answer what I believe what she asked.
Hope this helps. Also, what I found helped was holding her hand, hugging, touching. I found human physical contact helped rather than just mum sitting on a chair and me sitting beside/opposite her. I'll gently rub her back, hold her hand and sch like while watching tv.
Be strong.
Hi Maddison,
What about putting on some of her favourite music/ tv programme? Try to get your mum relaxed then while smiling, ask if she would like help changing. Even get a couple of nighties out and ask her if there is one she would like to change into. Let your mum feel your there to help but she can choose what she wants to wear. My mum loves Dean Martin/ Frank Sinatra and old musicals. Sometimes I'll even get her up and we'll dance around the living room. Anything to make her feel happy and connected to the world. Sometimes on good days she'll start singing along to the songs and it still astounds me when this happens. My mum also has dyphasia which means she knows what you're saying but can't articulate what to say back. She keeps saying " that's that" over and over in succession. When you talk to her, she'll reply with a "that's that" but maybe saying it as a question and I'm that used to it you can almost hear really what she wants to ask and then I answer what I believe what she asked.
Hope this helps. Also, what I found helped was holding her hand, hugging, touching. I found human physical contact helped rather than just mum sitting on a chair and me sitting beside/opposite her. I'll gently rub her back, hold her hand and sch like while watching tv.
Be strong.
Fingers Crossed
Friday the woman from the OT department is coming with a shower chair and I'm keeping everything crossed I can get my mum in to have a shower. She is so frail at the moment and I noticed over the past few days she has become really tired and withdrawn. She has COPD and emphysema and her breathing is really bad. This is my last chance of getting her washed. If this doesn't work, then I will have to leave her. Wish me luck, I will let you know the outcome.
Friday the woman from the OT department is coming with a shower chair and I'm keeping everything crossed I can get my mum in to have a shower. She is so frail at the moment and I noticed over the past few days she has become really tired and withdrawn. She has COPD and emphysema and her breathing is really bad. This is my last chance of getting her washed. If this doesn't work, then I will have to leave her. Wish me luck, I will let you know the outcome.
Getting washed
Got the shower chair in after waiting for 4 weeks. So next day I got mum into the shower, got her hair washed and I think she enjoyed it ok. Same thing the next day, but on the third day no way was she going into the shower. Three days now and she won't go back in, when I ask her she say, I'll go when I want, I'm not a child. So when I asked her yesterday morning when will u ever want to go mum, she said 'never'. In nature my mum can be very stubborn and dominating, so I'm not sure if it's all down to dementia. I am phoning the doctor this morning to make an appointment, and start proceeding to find a nursing home. I said to my mum yesterday, if u won't let me care for u, then u will have to go into a nursing home and be cared for. So she said 'well what ever, I'll just go somewhere else', God she make me so angry.
Got the shower chair in after waiting for 4 weeks. So next day I got mum into the shower, got her hair washed and I think she enjoyed it ok. Same thing the next day, but on the third day no way was she going into the shower. Three days now and she won't go back in, when I ask her she say, I'll go when I want, I'm not a child. So when I asked her yesterday morning when will u ever want to go mum, she said 'never'. In nature my mum can be very stubborn and dominating, so I'm not sure if it's all down to dementia. I am phoning the doctor this morning to make an appointment, and start proceeding to find a nursing home. I said to my mum yesterday, if u won't let me care for u, then u will have to go into a nursing home and be cared for. So she said 'well what ever, I'll just go somewhere else', God she make me so angry.
Hi Maddison
you sound so disappointed
you did well to shower your mum twice - maybe, as you say she is tired and frail, a shower every day is just too much for her - maybe once a week? - and have a 'bed bath' type wash with flannels either at the sink in the bathroom or with a bowl in her bedroom - and there are adult wipes and dry shampoo, could you try those?
I know my dad found showering a real trial and reverted back to a flannel wash as he had done in his early years - and I wash his hair using flannels too - so there's no water running either from a showerhead or tap or jug - he actually does not like getting wet, so tricky!
you sound so disappointed
you did well to shower your mum twice - maybe, as you say she is tired and frail, a shower every day is just too much for her - maybe once a week? - and have a 'bed bath' type wash with flannels either at the sink in the bathroom or with a bowl in her bedroom - and there are adult wipes and dry shampoo, could you try those?
I know my dad found showering a real trial and reverted back to a flannel wash as he had done in his early years - and I wash his hair using flannels too - so there's no water running either from a showerhead or tap or jug - he actually does not like getting wet, so tricky!
Showering
Hi Shedrech, Tried washing with a basin, but she wouldn't have it. She wants to do it herself, but I know she's not doing it, her flannel is dry.
Hi Shedrech, Tried washing with a basin, but she wouldn't have it. She wants to do it herself, but I know she's not doing it, her flannel is dry.
How commendable of you as a son to take on such personal care of your mother, my mother is doubly incontinent sensitive to loud noise also had a stroke so is immobile virtually, it is so so hard but I don't want her lost in the system and feel such a duty of care to her, my son is 20 and is such a help it is amazing what love and respect can achieve
