Is it wrong to want to stop caring?

[elizabethsdaugh]

I am sorry I'm back moaning again, I feel bad about the way I feel, but I don't feel like I can be mum's carer much longer. I feel bad for being a bad daughter, but for me it is not as easy as that.

My mum is as stubborn as they come and had bullied and domineered for as long as I can remember. I can truthfully say that I have no truly happy memories of my childhood with mum. Anyway I digress. My mum hates pretty mum everything, pretty much all of the time. Nothing is quite good enough. The other day she told me she was going to the police station, when I asked why she answered because they will look after me. Her other stock phrase is put me in a care home, I'd be better off.

I am lucky in that mum does not need personal care, but on a day to say practical level I do everything else. Mum will not join in with anything around the house, though she is still mobile and could wipe dishes or something, but she won't. She won't have carers in, she won't go to clubs or a day centre and just wants to sit there day in day out being bored and she will say she is bored. I am told by social services that whilst mum still has capacity she cannot be forced to accept these things even if they are in her best interests.

I have tried to encourage mum to try activities suggested by her consultant at home, but e.g. colouring in or a jigsaw, but she's not interested and I'll get a mouthful of abuse. I do know it is her choice what she does or doesn't do, but she tells me she is bored yet won't do anything to help pass time more pleasantly.

This whole situation is getting me down. Mum has no life, though she would have a much better quality of life if she were willing. I have no quality of life either as she cannot be left alone for more than an hour without panicing. Neither one of us is happy so why am I allowing this to continue. I am seriously thinking that if things do not change within the next 6 months i.e. mum accepting carers and day care I am going to call time on being her 24/7 carer. I will start to flat and job hunt as our house will need to be sold for care and I will find mum the best care home I can. Maybe mum will be happier in care and maybe then I won't feel as anxious and depressed as I feel at the moment.

I guess I'm telling you lovely people as I cannot tell family, they say that they know how hard caring for mum is, that they feel for me, but they won't help, they will however judge me harshly for what I think needs to happen.

 

[LadyA]

Elizabethsdau - what will happen to you if/when your mum's illness progresses enough that full time care is a necessity? Or when she dies? If she does need to go in a care home - does she own the home you are living in? You need to be looking on the practical side of things. Where will you live/what will you live on?

Frankly, with things as they are, you need an outlet. So, to be blunt, either your mum will have to accept someone coming in, a Day Centre, or some of your family will just have to step up -their distant sympathy doesn't cut it. You are going to have to be firm and give a choice of (a) (b) or (c) - and make plain that there is no choice of (d) - you carry on doing 24/7/365 care for your mum.

 

[elizabethsdaugh]

Elizabethsdau - what will happen to you if/when your mum's illness progresses enough that full time care is a necessity? Or when she dies? If she does need to go in a care home - does she own the home you are living in? You need to be looking on the practical side of things. Where will you live/what will you live on?

Frankly, with things as they are, you need an outlet. So, to be blunt, either your mum will have to accept someone coming in, a Day Centre, or some of your family will just have to step up -their distant sympathy doesn't cut it. You are going to have to be firm and give a choice of (a) (b) or (c) - and make plain that there is no choice of (d) - you carry on doing 24/7/365 care for your mum.

Thanks Lady A. I feel better just getting it off my chest! Mum and I jointly own the house and we are mortgage free. As I'm not going to qualify for a mandatory disregard and I doubt our LA would give a discretionary disregard I would need to sell it to release funds or get a mortgage, but cannot get a mortgage without a job. I've really foolishly boxed myself in. I didn't think about the financial side of life when mum started to need more care than me being at work allowed though to be honest it's mostly companionship, medication and housekeeping.

Family assistance will not happen, they are not willing full stop. I really am down to 2 choices for mum to accept outside help, or to look at care. Emotionally I am not in a good place and my financial situation is perilous to say the least. A well intentioned fool, is probably the most apt way of describing me!

 

[Chemmy]

Not wrong, just refreshingly honest. You are not her personal entertainment officer.

I know I couldn't live that life either.

 

[marionq]

As a mother of daughters in their forties I would say start looking for a job. This could go on for twenty years and you're not up for that kind of martyrdom. If you are working the need for inhouse care, daycare or care home will become clearer and you would be in a better position to use your half of the house for your future. No one is happy in the present situation. Dont wait six months.

 

[jorgieporgie]

Only you can make the final choice at the end of the day your Mum need's help, that doesn't mean it has to be you 24/7. My advise would be to get carers in as much as possible and you return to work if that is what you want. We are all not cut out to be carers it is a long and lonely road to take.
Think of yourself, your Mum will be cared for no matter what and you would have some life too.
Take care xx

 

[la lucia]

It's true that you can't 'force her' to do anything but you can use subterfuge, deviousness and forward thinking....

My mum was totally negative and refused everything so I had to work round it. As I have said elsewhere, I sold daycare as something else (hairdresser with lunch), I then didn't mention it until just before transport arrived to take her. I never drive my mother myself or she would just refuse to go.

I set her up with neighbours who would arrive with a bossy tone and say "come along M it's time to go to...." and take her off to the local coffee morning. Once pushed into participating she always enjoys things but getting her there means being as cunning as hell!

I guess it depends whether your mother will 'behave' with others. My mum will because she is of the generation that respects authority and public manners.

She has said awful things to me that I just try to walk away from and there's no doubt that the more activities she gets involved in the better she is all round.

There's no shame in not wanting to be a full time carer though.

 

[Rodelinda]

Hi, Elizabethsdaugh - I really do feel for you. A lot of what you say resonates with me although my mother, at the moment, isn't always quite as difficult or negative. Like you I do everything for her and around the house but don't have to deal with much personal care. The main difference is that she moved in with me (and my partner) so that I don't have the financial problem (other than having had to give up my job to look after her). But I'm getting frustrated with it; like you we can't leave her alone in the house even for a few minutes and I worry about her quality of life and increasingly about my own and my OHs. She can't/won't hear much of what I say, won't agree to going to do anything and is a master at finding excuses.

I've taken the step of bringing in someone to be here for a few hours a week to allow us to get out together even just for a walk or a cup of tea but she doesn't really like it or accept it so I'm just being firm as I don't want my entire life to be taken over by my mother and her needs. Because she's my mother, it complicates all sorts of things and I'm sure it's the same for you. To be honest we were never that close; we weren't enstranged or anything but I never felt able to talk to her in the same way my father and I could talk . So I really feel for her as her mind and body gradually deteriorate andn then feel guilty that I don't do more.

AS others have said you do need to think about yourself now - don't wait 6 months as it is so easy to slip into accepting the situation as it gradually worsens. Start looking for work - it may not be easy so the sooner, the better. Can you afford even a few hours care? Can you as others have suggested simply organise a weekly day at a local day centre? That will give you a bit of time and head space to start thinking about your future. Keep posting - caring is tough, not just practically but emotionally and it stirs up all sorts of things. Sue

 

[Amy in the US]

No, it's not wrong.

You are not a bad daughter, or a bad person. You are a good person, who cares what happens to her mum, and you are trying to do the right thing. That makes you a kind, caring, decent person, whether you feel like it or not.

While your mother needs care and to be safe and receive that care, you are not personally obligated to provide all of her care, 24/7, for the rest of her life.

In addition, you are entitled to your own life.

This is a safe place to come and vent. You might also see if there are any support groups or carers cafes in your area. In addition to being other safe places to vent and meet other carers, you can often get good information about resources and options in your area. I love TP (it's always open!) but have also had valuable experiences, and met some great people, at local support groups. Just a thought for you.

Best wishes and hang in there.