Hi Fifon. It's a year since I faced this with my husband. He was taken to hospital from the nursing home at the end of May/beginning of June with pneumonia, kept a week - which was just horrendous for him - sent back to the nursing home to be kept comfortable, and died at the beginning of August. Comfortable, safe and happy, in his own bed. The only reason he was sent to the hospital was that that particular night, a friend had started texting me about something trivial in the middle of the night - so I had turned my phone off. Well - the nursing home had never had to phone me before. When I turned the phone back on in the morning, it rang immediately. By then, the Home had had to make the decision - and had sent him to the hospital, which was just across the road from them. I left immediately for the hospital, but it was rush hour and a journey that normally takes me 15/20 minutes took 45, by which time the hospital had been trying to phone me to know if I was nearly there. I explained about being stuck in rush hour traffic. So they had to make a decision in my absence - and by the time I got there, had resuscitated him. (He'd never been admitted before, so there wasn't a DNR on his file). William's swallowing reflex was so poor, he was aspirating particles of food & liquid. Even saliva. There really was nothing they could do - he couldn't swallow even pureed food. So I told the nursing home to just keep him comfortable - no subcutaneous fluids - and let nature take its course. The GP agreed.
Medical science could possibly have kept William alive for another few weeks - they could have tried peg or tube feeding (although he would probably have pulled them out, causing more infections). IV fluids would have prolonged his life another short while. But to what purpose? And discussing these things with the doctors, Fifon, I said to them that there comes a point when you have to ask yourself why are you doing these things? In whose interests? Is it for the person you are doing it to - or is it for yourself, because you don't want to let go? And are you prolonging their life, or are you prolonging their death? I felt that in intervening in any way, I would be just prolonging William's death. He was ready to go. Why should I hang on to him here, to prolong his suffering with tubes and needles and zero quality of life? Best let him go with some dignity. As you have done for your husband. And as bemused did for hers - and countless others have done. It is a very tough decision to make. One nobody wants to make for someone else. But it was the right, the loving decision to make.
I wasn't with William either when he died. I had gone home to rest, as the Nurse had said there was no knowing how long he would last - anywhere from three or four, up to seven or eight days. That Sunday afternoon, we had watched a film together - well, he had slept through most of it, holding my hand. Every now and then, he would open his eyes and smile at me. When I left that night, I told him I was going and said "see you later." and he smiled and said "Yeah." He died very early next morning. Two of the Care Assistants - who he loved - were with him.
"Love endures all things" (1Cor. 13) - this is just something else that your love for your husband has given you to "endure" - the tough decisions, that break our own hearts, but made in the best interests of those we love. xx