Tomorrow will be the worst day...

[Spills]

Hello to youall,
After a 4th night of 2 hours sleep, this morning I got on the phone to everyone I could to cry for help & by this evening we have been given respite for a month along with an assessment of needs over that time too.
Tomorrow will be the worst day- I promised my nan I would take care of her & whilst I appreciate I have to do this to help myself & her as a result it doesn't make it easier.

 

[Shedrech]

oh Spills, you are taking care of your nan, you are keeping your promise, maybe just not quite in the way you initially envisaged
you know you need a break and your nan needs support and you have organised that - so well done you
none of us can continue to care completely alone - you're just getting a team behind you to help you keep that promise
none of this is easy, especially the emotional stress
so go easy on yourself
very best wishes for tomorrow for you and your nan

 

[Grannie G]

Shedrech is so right Spills. You are taking care of your nan.

You are providing care to meet her needs. It is because her needs have changed, that you are seeking help and someone to share the caring with you.

 

[DMac]

Hello to youall,
After a 4th night of 2 hours sleep, this morning I got on the phone to everyone I could to cry for help & by this evening we have been given respite for a month along with an assessment of needs over that time too.
Tomorrow will be the worst day- I promised my nan I would take care of her & whilst I appreciate I have to do this to help myself & her as a result it doesn't make it easier.

Well done Spills for organising the help you so desperately needed. You ARE doing the right thing. I understand completely why you say you know you have to do this, but it doesn't make it easier. I felt exactly the same way as you do right now, when on Monday I took my mum-in-law to a care home for a respite break, and left her there. Logically, I know it was not only the right thing, but the ONLY thing to do. Emotionally, I felt like a complete s**t at the time, but I do feel a bit better now. But I will repeat to you the advice that another lovely TP poster gave to me. You are NOT a bad person. You. Are. Not. A Bad Person. Repeat as often as you need to.

Best wishes for today. Stay calm and cheerful. You will get through this. xx

 

[Spills]

Thank you all so much. Nan went about an hour ago & the very worst & best thing is that she completely trusted me & what I told her was happening. The ch manager came to collect her & she warned straight to her too.
We had a lovely morning too but by 12 we were back to the constant questions & need to get home to her mum (my grandma died over 20 years ago).

But to the positive- for the first time in 4 years I can collect my 7 year old from school & we can do whatever we want because we don't have to get home to check on Nanny.

Light & Love & thanks again!

 

[DMac]

Thank you all so much. Nan went about an hour ago & the very worst & best thing is that she completely trusted me & what I told her was happening. The ch manager came to collect her & she warned straight to her too.
We had a lovely morning too but by 12 we were back to the constant questions & need to get home to her mum (my grandma died over 20 years ago).

But to the positive- for the first time in 4 years I can collect my 7 year old from school & we can do whatever we want because we don't have to get home to check on Nanny.

Light & Love & thanks again!

Well done Spills. I'm so glad the day went so well for you. I'm sure you will be feeling glad that you have taken this very positive step forward.

Beware of the guilt monster though (I know, it is sitting on my shoulder right now). You KNOW you have done the right thing. I hope the longed-for feelings of relief are with you very soon, if not already.

Take care. (((hugs)))

 

[Spills]

Thanks DMac, it has been a tough old day & am exhausted.
Just spoke to the ch & nan has been asking for her parents & friends (they presume that's me) in between periods of being settled. This time is usually the worst though so we'll see what the evening brings.

You are right about the guilt- I feel awful & the worst guilt is about the lies I told her to get her in the car today. My husband has told me they served a purpose but I will never forgive myself that.
Not sure how I feel now- a sense of relief, lack of responsibility (I have 2 kids under 7 & a full time job!!), worry. Sure there will be lots of other feelings over the coming days & weeks.

How is your MIL doing? X

 

[Shedrech]

Hi Spills
sounds as though the move went as well as it could; well done - the staff will look after your nan - now you need to look after yourself and your immediate family
you did what you had to do to get your nan to the home with as little anxiety and distress as possible; that's what a kind and loving granddaughter does; you have done nothing that needs forgiveness, your own or your nan's (and your nan of old would understand anyway and 'forgive' immediately) - we call the fibs 'love lies' they are only ever intended to support and be kind, not to deceive in any malicious way
so be kind to yourself - share the love that is so clearly there between your nan and you by giving your own children a hug and your time, that way you pass on her legacy to them
I hope you all have a good night

 

[At home]

Respite care

Hi Spills, please don't be hard on yourself, and make full use of your respite time free from guilt. You are doing what you need to do to refresh yourself so you are able to continue caring for someone you obviously love so much. I went though a difficult period with my mum around 6-8 months ago (I'm her sole carer), when sleep was very disrupted, she just wouldn't settle, and was continually asking for her mother who'd died 17yrs ago, also to 'go home' when she was in her home of over 70 years- but it passed. I had to keep telling myself that it was just a phase, and sure enough (touch wood) it was. Sleeping much better now, with just a couple if toilet trips through the night.
Enjoy your respite, you so deserve it!
Hugs xx

 

[DMac]

Thanks DMac, it has been a tough old day & am exhausted.
Just spoke to the ch & nan has been asking for her parents & friends (they presume that's me) in between periods of being settled. This time is usually the worst though so we'll see what the evening brings.

You are right about the guilt- I feel awful & the worst guilt is about the lies I told her to get her in the car today. My husband has told me they served a purpose but I will never forgive myself that.
Not sure how I feel now- a sense of relief, lack of responsibility (I have 2 kids under 7 & a full time job!!), worry. Sure there will be lots of other feelings over the coming days & weeks.

How is your MIL doing? X

Hello Spills,

Do take it easy on yourself, well, as much as you can with 2 youngsters and a full time job! However do you do it?! Like you, I'm finding that I can't stop the flow of emotions, so I guess that's par for the course when going though a traumatic experience like this. But, I do feel a bit better now that a few days have elapsed. I've just had a nice evening out with friends practising my hobby (beekeeping), and that has helped me to relax and to lift my mood.

Thanks for asking about MiL...actually, the truth is I don't know how she is right now. I did try to call SS for an update, but they haven't returned my calls. I'm fearful of calling the care home directly, in case they insist I take her away. I know this sounds cowardly, but I have a genuine fear of upsetting a delicate situation, so I'll leave it until tomorrow until I make enquiries.

I hope you have a relaxing evening, and take care. xx

 

[Spills]

Thanks everyone, I've spent the evening with a lovely friend who has said much the same & I know that's the truth- it's the emotion that takes over!

I hope it is a spell & that we can have her back with us a little longer - I always have said the kids come first though so we will see what the final assessments say.

DMac- not cowardly at all! I have just been sat wondering whether to make a quick call, but my hubby popped her slippers over before & she was settled so I will keep that though in mind & wait till morning.

I am sure you would have heard if the problems were that bad! I actually think the ch have been pretty insensitive by making you feel this way. I am sure that given the nature of what we deal with on a hourly & daily basis that most new residents act in ways that are testing in different ways!

I'm glad you've had a relaxing evening doing something differently - it's well deserved!!

Hope everyone has good nights X