So bizarre !
- Thread starter Ann Mac
- Start date
Thank you for all your condolences and kind wishes. The funeral service will be Wednesday night and the interment, Friday. Not sure if we will stay for the interment (that will be a graveside service for my MIL and her adult children only) but I will be here at least until Thursday and possibly longer. The drive home and back is too long for the short time we would spend there, although I fear DH's work situation is getting dire. We will just have to see. We are considering removing to a hotel, but again, we will have to see.
More drama with MIL today, I'm sorry to say. I almost hate to detail it as I'm starting to feel petty or nasty, and I know she is all kinds of upset, but it beggars belief.
Latest MIL stupid update: the funeral home guy (FHG) came today at 4. I will skip the part where I was vacuuming at 3:30 et cetera. So FHG arrives and MIL starts shooing all grandkids and kids in law outside. As if it's an emergency or something (I know she is upset but still). Bear in mind it's 92 degrees Fahrenheit outside. FHG arrives, I walk over to introduce myself and as I am shaking his hand, Ruth grabs my arm and starts pulling me bodily towards the door. This is really awkward as I am still talking to FHG! Next thing I know I'm on the deck with confused and upset children. DH salvaged this by bringing us food and a game and drinks and I played cards with several kids but the older ones were still upset, but not as upset as DH when I told him what happened! I wouldn't have minded so much if she hadn't dug in her nails. If she had bothered to explain to the kids what was going on, and given then a minute to get their shoes on and grab their game to finish outside (called a transition, I believe), it wouldn't have been so upsetting for them. I knew I would not be permitted at the meeting but didn't expect to be forcibly ejected! DH was so ****ed off that he got pretty drunk afterwards and I think yelled at his mother about it. One SIL brought us dinner and her husband (BIL) brought us a lot of beer. We all had a nice evening together but I have not seen or spoken to MIL since this afternoon.
So that was my day. I'm still not ready to write about FIL's death but he did not suffer at the end.
Thanks again and sorry for not keeping up with you all individually. Hoping everyone is as well as possible.
More drama with MIL today, I'm sorry to say. I almost hate to detail it as I'm starting to feel petty or nasty, and I know she is all kinds of upset, but it beggars belief.
Latest MIL stupid update: the funeral home guy (FHG) came today at 4. I will skip the part where I was vacuuming at 3:30 et cetera. So FHG arrives and MIL starts shooing all grandkids and kids in law outside. As if it's an emergency or something (I know she is upset but still). Bear in mind it's 92 degrees Fahrenheit outside. FHG arrives, I walk over to introduce myself and as I am shaking his hand, Ruth grabs my arm and starts pulling me bodily towards the door. This is really awkward as I am still talking to FHG! Next thing I know I'm on the deck with confused and upset children. DH salvaged this by bringing us food and a game and drinks and I played cards with several kids but the older ones were still upset, but not as upset as DH when I told him what happened! I wouldn't have minded so much if she hadn't dug in her nails. If she had bothered to explain to the kids what was going on, and given then a minute to get their shoes on and grab their game to finish outside (called a transition, I believe), it wouldn't have been so upsetting for them. I knew I would not be permitted at the meeting but didn't expect to be forcibly ejected! DH was so ****ed off that he got pretty drunk afterwards and I think yelled at his mother about it. One SIL brought us dinner and her husband (BIL) brought us a lot of beer. We all had a nice evening together but I have not seen or spoken to MIL since this afternoon.
So that was my day. I'm still not ready to write about FIL's death but he did not suffer at the end.
Thanks again and sorry for not keeping up with you all individually. Hoping everyone is as well as possible.
Amy - so sorry that things are happening how they are.
I got up this morning to see posted on FB that a friend had been knocked off her bike by a 4 x 4 and died early this morning. Absolutely devastated. She took me out cycling when I was in my early 20s and just getting into it whilst OH disappeared on his club rides, I might not have been a cyclist without her, she spent hours sitting colouring with my kids at the cycling cafe from when they could hold a pen and colour (we kept pens and paper at the cafe so they could colour whilst we chatted with our friends), she always encouraged my daughter to race, from the age of 9, she always took the time to speak to the newcomers at the cafe, and was one of the nicest and kindest people you could meet. Tears streaming down faces here, and the first death of someone they have known well the kids have had to deal with.
I got up this morning to see posted on FB that a friend had been knocked off her bike by a 4 x 4 and died early this morning. Absolutely devastated. She took me out cycling when I was in my early 20s and just getting into it whilst OH disappeared on his club rides, I might not have been a cyclist without her, she spent hours sitting colouring with my kids at the cycling cafe from when they could hold a pen and colour (we kept pens and paper at the cafe so they could colour whilst we chatted with our friends), she always encouraged my daughter to race, from the age of 9, she always took the time to speak to the newcomers at the cafe, and was one of the nicest and kindest people you could meet. Tears streaming down faces here, and the first death of someone they have known well the kids have had to deal with.
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Good Morning everyone x
Oh Amy - as if losing your Fil and seeing your OH grieving isnt upsetting and sad enough, to have to deal with your Mil's behaviour as well must have you feeling exhausted and so hurt . I am so sorry you are having this to contend with, as well. I know your Mil is grieving, and I suspect that she (like of all you) is still in shock after losing Fil so abruptly, but I have to say that even though I appreciate how upset she must be, her treatment not only of you, but of the Grandchildren and the rest of her sons and daughters-in-law is really awful
After you have all rallied round to be there for her and Fil, as well as for your partners, to snub you and exclude you all as though you are not part of the family is horrible. I'm not surprised that your OH was so upset. It was a totally different situation, I know, but you read about how my Step-Dad and brother were with me after My Mum died, how I was told bluntly that I wasn't needed or wanted when they spoke to the Funeral Director, how I wasn't 'allowed' to see Mum before the service, excluded from the main party going into the service, and barred from the internment of her ashes. OK - very different because I didn't feel that I needed or wanted to be part of all those things, so the 'snubs' were wasted in that respect - but, the fact that the intention was there to exclude and to 'put me in my place' was a different aspect entirely, and after all the years that I had spent at my Mum's beck and call (and my Step-Dad's and my Brothers!) part of me was resentful and angry. I decided however, not to lower myself to their level of behaviour, so I smiled, was polite, let Step Dad and Brother dictate everything (including how much information and input I was given), and didn't react to a whole host of minor and major snubs and insulting actions. Several weeks on, and I can look back with no regrets, be glad that I didn't let them get to me, proud that despite the issues I had with Mum, that I was respectful at her funeral - and now, if I don't want to, I don't have to deal with brother or Step-dad again. Its harder for you, because your OH's feelings have to be the priority in how you handle all these hurtful actions and obviously, he will maintain contact with his Mum, so you can't chose to 'walk away' as I have - but you have done a fantastic job of supporting him (and even your ungrateful Mil) under some very trying circumstances so far, and if I were you, I would just be holding on tight to your dignity and your standard's of behaviour to get through the service, knowing that you will be able to look back with no regrets and be proud of yourself - I think that that's more than your Mil will be able to do, and I think its something that will help you get over the way you have been treated when you look back on these horribly difficult weeks xxxx Stay strong and if it helps, off load here as often as you want to, Hun - everyone is here for you xxxx
Spamar, great news that the physio is helping I think your mantra is a good one - and maybe, I need to adopt it, too! It helps so much to have good friends. I have one friend in particular who is my life saver, and I value her so much. I was there for her when she lost her husband, very suddenly from cancer (he died just 4 days after diagnosis, at the very young age of 42) and now she is there for me when I need to offload over Mil. Sadly, her Dad has just been diagnosed with VasD, so I suspect that our 'mutual' support will only grow even stronger over the next few years.
Slugsta, how is Skye settling in? Hoping its going well between her and Alfie Any news on when the home care visits for your Mum will start, yet?
Grace, I just love Katrines rsponse to the 'Doctor' dilemma!
Dau survived D of E - only just! Her team got lost and arrived back last of all, at 6pm, rather than the expected 4.30! However, they all passed which is something - though every child I heard commenting did say that 'No way' would they even consider doing the Silver award. Dau's feet are well blistered - she insisted on using a 'braded' name of blister plaster, rather than the moleskin plasters that I got for her on the practice hike - and it turns out the moleskin was a lot better! But, she is pretty much recovered now, and just glad its out of the way.
The school situation is beyond a joke - waiting with the other Mum's for our weary band to arrive, several had some rather scathing comments to make about the school - I said little, but it definitely appears that I am not the only one who isn't impressed with the schools actions at the moment
Onto Mil - yep, a permenant consultant - after about 18 months, and I think 6 or 7 locums, Spamar! As you say, about time. Not that we have met him yet, but there you go
OH came with me to visit Mil yesterday, finally over his cold. becomming more and more convinced that there simply isn't a medication that can help her, (though I don't think that they have tried the trazadone and excelon that you mention, Lady A ). It was the same scenario as all the visits over the last several days. Let into the ward by a nurse/staff member who told us that she was again 'very agitated today'. Youngest had come with us - we tell the kids that they don't have to visit, but still they want to see their Nan, bless 'em - so we had to use the 'family room' for the visit which is located between the last two sets of locked doors before you get into the 'ward proper'. Its a longish narrow room, quite drab and bare, a basic table and 4 standard 'hospital' hard chairs, and that's it. No wonder Mil sometimes thinks she is in prison when we see her in there! Yesterday, it had clearly just been painted (they have gone from a muted green to cream and pink!) and the over-powering smell of the paint didn't help, even with the window open the scant 4" that is allowed. As soon as Mil was ushered in, she burst into tears. The paranoia again - she was being held prisoner, they wouldn't let her out, 'they' were 'cruel' to her, and yesterday the fixation for having to leave and go home was all about how her Mother was going to kill her if she didn't get home soon. We had found a couple of weeks ago that the repeated tale about how we are getting her a new 'flat in sheltered accommodation ' would reassure her, but over the last few visits, although it initially gets a response of 'Oh, that will be good, that's a great idea, I'd like that' and seemed to calm her, lately the postitive response is lasting perhaps only a few seconds before we are back to her saying 'I'll get my coat and we'll go now; Come on, we are going to be late, lets go;' and yesterday 'If we don't get going now, My Mum will go mad'. She was sweaty and flushed, twisting her hand bag strap round and round her fingers, almost hyperventilating and trembling, with her hands especially shaking badly. Dau tried showing her Nan some images from the camping trip that she had on her phone - that was probably the most successful 'distraction' of the visit - but even that only worked for perhaps 2 or 3 minutes. Over and over we assured her she was safe, she was in hospital to get her meds sorted and a ssoon as she was 'back on her feet' we would have a lovely place of her own for her to live in and we would be 'just down the road' and she would see us all the time. Each time, she was surprised she was in hospital - she thought that this place was a 'pub', or a 'school' or 'that other place that they make me go to' - and then say that she couldn't wait to get to her 'new flat'. And two seconds later it was back to are we going now, should she get her coat, what time was the train to get her back to her Mum's . . .
Tried talking about what new things she would like for her flat, about how her eldest grandaughter would be home soon and coming to visit her, asked her about what she had been up to - we had been getting some wonderfullly confabulated tales about theatre trips and cinema trips, and days out and dances that she was certain she had been doing, when we asked that, but now its back to her saying something like 'Oh, I packed to go home this morning' or something else that brings us back to either 'going home' or some paranoid accusation or belief.
After just 30 minutes, it was enough. The paint smell wasn't helping and the constant repetition was getting to us all. Plus, OH said afterwards, it was almost as though the longer she was with us, the more it fuelled the desire to 'go home' As is the 'norm' now, there were no lingering goodbyes, just avoiding engaging in her trying to insist she is coming with us - we hand her over to a member of staff - and run! As the staff opened the doors to get Mil back into the main ward, several of the other patients were there, almost looming out of nowhere, all distressed or angry, all trying to get out - it was like a scene from some sort of scary film, innapropriate as that description sounds, and I said as much (probably shouldn't have, but honestly - the description fit and it wasn't meant as insulting - it was meant to sum up how horrifying it was seeing people so disturbed, and seeing how they had to be almost 'contained' ) . I felt really low afterwards, thinking of poor Mil in that environment, feeling as she does. But I have just no idea what can be done to help her. I doubt that Hell could be as bad as living in her head at the moment.
I've decided that I'm going to try and insist that youngest doesn't visit for a while. She says she is OK, that she understands, but I felt really uncomfortable with her there yesterday, feeling she shouldn't see that sort of environment if it can be avoided.
No visit today - and I am very relieved about that! OH is going later this afternoon to pick oldest up from Stockport - she is moving out of her digs from the previous year, and back in with us - she and her OH just yesterday finally found a flat for themselves in Coventry, and she will be moving down there is 2 or 3 weeks, ready to start her new job - but it will be lovely to have her home in between. Guilt Monster had a bash at me as I put away the last of Mil's things and finished turning the bedroom back into my daughters room, felt oh-so final that Mil wasn't coming back - but I keep telling myself that there wasn't really an option on this outcome, nothing more that I or anyone else could have done, and shutting the GM up as best as I could.
Weather has turned beautiful here, after all the rain and cold of the last couple of weeks. Its actually really hot here today, I have doors and windows open and youngest and I are planning a walk out with the dogs to a near-by lake, to take advantage of the good weather.
Hope you all get some sunshine, and manage to have a good day today. Amy, thinking of you, hun xxxxxx
Oh Amy - as if losing your Fil and seeing your OH grieving isnt upsetting and sad enough, to have to deal with your Mil's behaviour as well must have you feeling exhausted and so hurt . I am so sorry you are having this to contend with, as well. I know your Mil is grieving, and I suspect that she (like of all you) is still in shock after losing Fil so abruptly, but I have to say that even though I appreciate how upset she must be, her treatment not only of you, but of the Grandchildren and the rest of her sons and daughters-in-law is really awful
After you have all rallied round to be there for her and Fil, as well as for your partners, to snub you and exclude you all as though you are not part of the family is horrible. I'm not surprised that your OH was so upset. It was a totally different situation, I know, but you read about how my Step-Dad and brother were with me after My Mum died, how I was told bluntly that I wasn't needed or wanted when they spoke to the Funeral Director, how I wasn't 'allowed' to see Mum before the service, excluded from the main party going into the service, and barred from the internment of her ashes. OK - very different because I didn't feel that I needed or wanted to be part of all those things, so the 'snubs' were wasted in that respect - but, the fact that the intention was there to exclude and to 'put me in my place' was a different aspect entirely, and after all the years that I had spent at my Mum's beck and call (and my Step-Dad's and my Brothers!) part of me was resentful and angry. I decided however, not to lower myself to their level of behaviour, so I smiled, was polite, let Step Dad and Brother dictate everything (including how much information and input I was given), and didn't react to a whole host of minor and major snubs and insulting actions. Several weeks on, and I can look back with no regrets, be glad that I didn't let them get to me, proud that despite the issues I had with Mum, that I was respectful at her funeral - and now, if I don't want to, I don't have to deal with brother or Step-dad again. Its harder for you, because your OH's feelings have to be the priority in how you handle all these hurtful actions and obviously, he will maintain contact with his Mum, so you can't chose to 'walk away' as I have - but you have done a fantastic job of supporting him (and even your ungrateful Mil) under some very trying circumstances so far, and if I were you, I would just be holding on tight to your dignity and your standard's of behaviour to get through the service, knowing that you will be able to look back with no regrets and be proud of yourself - I think that that's more than your Mil will be able to do, and I think its something that will help you get over the way you have been treated when you look back on these horribly difficult weeks xxxx Stay strong and if it helps, off load here as often as you want to, Hun - everyone is here for you xxxxSpamar, great news that the physio is helping
I think your mantra is a good one - and maybe, I need to adopt it, too! It helps so much to have good friends. I have one friend in particular who is my life saver, and I value her so much. I was there for her when she lost her husband, very suddenly from cancer (he died just 4 days after diagnosis, at the very young age of 42) and now she is there for me when I need to offload over Mil. Sadly, her Dad has just been diagnosed with VasD, so I suspect that our 'mutual' support will only grow even stronger over the next few years. Slugsta, how is Skye settling in? Hoping its going well between her and Alfie
Any news on when the home care visits for your Mum will start, yet?Grace, I just love Katrines rsponse to the 'Doctor' dilemma!
Dau survived D of E - only just! Her team got lost and arrived back last of all, at 6pm, rather than the expected 4.30! However, they all passed which is something - though every child I heard commenting did say that 'No way' would they even consider doing the Silver award. Dau's feet are well blistered - she insisted on using a 'braded' name of blister plaster, rather than the moleskin plasters that I got for her on the practice hike - and it turns out the moleskin was a lot better! But, she is pretty much recovered now, and just glad its out of the way.
The school situation is beyond a joke - waiting with the other Mum's for our weary band to arrive, several had some rather scathing comments to make about the school - I said little, but it definitely appears that I am not the only one who isn't impressed with the schools actions at the moment
Onto Mil - yep, a permenant consultant - after about 18 months, and I think 6 or 7 locums, Spamar! As you say, about time. Not that we have met him yet, but there you go
OH came with me to visit Mil yesterday, finally over his cold. becomming more and more convinced that there simply isn't a medication that can help her, (though I don't think that they have tried the trazadone and excelon that you mention, Lady A ). It was the same scenario as all the visits over the last several days. Let into the ward by a nurse/staff member who told us that she was again 'very agitated today'. Youngest had come with us - we tell the kids that they don't have to visit, but still they want to see their Nan, bless 'em - so we had to use the 'family room' for the visit which is located between the last two sets of locked doors before you get into the 'ward proper'. Its a longish narrow room, quite drab and bare, a basic table and 4 standard 'hospital' hard chairs, and that's it. No wonder Mil sometimes thinks she is in prison when we see her in there! Yesterday, it had clearly just been painted (they have gone from a muted green to cream and pink!) and the over-powering smell of the paint didn't help, even with the window open the scant 4" that is allowed. As soon as Mil was ushered in, she burst into tears. The paranoia again - she was being held prisoner, they wouldn't let her out, 'they' were 'cruel' to her, and yesterday the fixation for having to leave and go home was all about how her Mother was going to kill her if she didn't get home soon. We had found a couple of weeks ago that the repeated tale about how we are getting her a new 'flat in sheltered accommodation ' would reassure her, but over the last few visits, although it initially gets a response of 'Oh, that will be good, that's a great idea, I'd like that' and seemed to calm her, lately the postitive response is lasting perhaps only a few seconds before we are back to her saying 'I'll get my coat and we'll go now; Come on, we are going to be late, lets go;' and yesterday 'If we don't get going now, My Mum will go mad'. She was sweaty and flushed, twisting her hand bag strap round and round her fingers, almost hyperventilating and trembling, with her hands especially shaking badly. Dau tried showing her Nan some images from the camping trip that she had on her phone - that was probably the most successful 'distraction' of the visit - but even that only worked for perhaps 2 or 3 minutes. Over and over we assured her she was safe, she was in hospital to get her meds sorted and a ssoon as she was 'back on her feet' we would have a lovely place of her own for her to live in and we would be 'just down the road' and she would see us all the time. Each time, she was surprised she was in hospital - she thought that this place was a 'pub', or a 'school' or 'that other place that they make me go to' - and then say that she couldn't wait to get to her 'new flat'. And two seconds later it was back to are we going now, should she get her coat, what time was the train to get her back to her Mum's . . .
Tried talking about what new things she would like for her flat, about how her eldest grandaughter would be home soon and coming to visit her, asked her about what she had been up to - we had been getting some wonderfullly confabulated tales about theatre trips and cinema trips, and days out and dances that she was certain she had been doing, when we asked that, but now its back to her saying something like 'Oh, I packed to go home this morning' or something else that brings us back to either 'going home' or some paranoid accusation or belief.
After just 30 minutes, it was enough. The paint smell wasn't helping and the constant repetition was getting to us all. Plus, OH said afterwards, it was almost as though the longer she was with us, the more it fuelled the desire to 'go home'
As is the 'norm' now, there were no lingering goodbyes, just avoiding engaging in her trying to insist she is coming with us - we hand her over to a member of staff - and run! As the staff opened the doors to get Mil back into the main ward, several of the other patients were there, almost looming out of nowhere, all distressed or angry, all trying to get out - it was like a scene from some sort of scary film, innapropriate as that description sounds, and I said as much (probably shouldn't have, but honestly - the description fit and it wasn't meant as insulting - it was meant to sum up how horrifying it was seeing people so disturbed, and seeing how they had to be almost 'contained' ) . I felt really low afterwards, thinking of poor Mil in that environment, feeling as she does. But I have just no idea what can be done to help her. I doubt that Hell could be as bad as living in her head at the moment.I've decided that I'm going to try and insist that youngest doesn't visit for a while. She says she is OK, that she understands, but I felt really uncomfortable with her there yesterday, feeling she shouldn't see that sort of environment if it can be avoided.
No visit today - and I am very relieved about that! OH is going later this afternoon to pick oldest up from Stockport - she is moving out of her digs from the previous year, and back in with us - she and her OH just yesterday finally found a flat for themselves in Coventry, and she will be moving down there is 2 or 3 weeks, ready to start her new job - but it will be lovely to have her home in between. Guilt Monster had a bash at me as I put away the last of Mil's things and finished turning the bedroom back into my daughters room, felt oh-so final that Mil wasn't coming back - but I keep telling myself that there wasn't really an option on this outcome, nothing more that I or anyone else could have done, and shutting the GM up as best as I could.
Weather has turned beautiful here, after all the rain and cold of the last couple of weeks. Its actually really hot here today, I have doors and windows open and youngest and I are planning a walk out with the dogs to a near-by lake, to take advantage of the good weather.
Hope you all get some sunshine, and manage to have a good day today. Amy, thinking of you, hun xxxxxx
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I have just seen this as I posted, Jm - I am so, so sorrry - what a horribly tragic loss. Sending you {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} and thinking of this poor lady, and all her family and friends - life is just so bloody cruel at times xxxxxxxxx
JM ... so sorry to hear this. I worry everytime OH is out for one of his long rides, he has always been a cyclist. Sadly, many car drivers still just don't see bikes. xx.
Must tell you about our birds/ animals in the garden.
Three magpies and a young squirrel were circling around the bottom of the bird feeder, being opportunistic! The squirrel kept running at the magpies, twice its size, and they all ran off to the bottom of the garden.
Next day, one magpie and one squirrel were there. The magpie stood looking thoughtfully at the squirrel, whose back was towards him/her. It walked forward and nipped the squirrels tail!! Never seen a squirrel turn around so fast. Magpie flew off!
Three magpies and a young squirrel were circling around the bottom of the bird feeder, being opportunistic! The squirrel kept running at the magpies, twice its size, and they all ran off to the bottom of the garden.
Next day, one magpie and one squirrel were there. The magpie stood looking thoughtfully at the squirrel, whose back was towards him/her. It walked forward and nipped the squirrels tail!! Never seen a squirrel turn around so fast. Magpie flew off!
JM
So sorry to hear the very sad news about your friend. You and your family must be devastated by this loss. I will be keeping you all in my thoughts. She was clearly a lovely person to be remembered by such warmth and kindness by you. An especially warm hug for your children as you navigate your shock and grief. So sorry.
So sorry to hear the very sad news about your friend. You and your family must be devastated by this loss. I will be keeping you all in my thoughts. She was clearly a lovely person to be remembered by such warmth and kindness by you. An especially warm hug for your children as you navigate your shock and grief. So sorry.
Ann, thank you for your message. I did, in, fact, think of some of the parallels with your recent family experiences when your mother died. As you say, each family is different, but a lot of similar controlling dynamics going on.
I know MIL is in shock and grief and the last four months have been a nightmare for her. I know she is physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted and in pain (all 3 sorts). I know that even without FIL's death, she does not express herself well. I am very, very sad for her and am worried about what will happen. They married when she was 19 and tomorrow is their wedding anniversary (would have been 51). I can barely imagine what she must be suffering and I am genuinely sorry for her, I truly am.
However, she is not the only person who has suffered a loss and everyone else here is grieving as well. We are doing our best to support each other and the adult children and their kids are able to enjoy some of this time together and take turns with what needs to be done and support each other, but MIL is pushing everyone farther and farther away. I think it's very sad and while we all want to make sure MIL is cared for and supported, it will be difficult.
Feelings are also running high regarding an old rift in the family. About 20 years ago one DIL (wife of one of DH's brothers) had some sort of argument with MIL and two of my husband's siblings, here at my in-laws' house. DIL stormed out and vowed she would never darken their door again. All well and good, except they live nearby and she cut off all contact between their daughter (the eldest grandchild in the family) and my in-laws for the next 12 years, when we had a tragic death in the family, but that's a story for another day. Subsequent events (also stories for another day) meant that some of my siblings-in-law harbour a lot of anger towards that SIL (wish I could name them for clarity) and don't want her at the funeral or anywhere near us. In the past two weeks the siblings have started to mend fences with their semi-estranged brother, but still want nothing to do with his wife. I admit she is a nasty piece of work and I'd prefer to have nothing to do with her either, but just want to get through this with as little drama as possible. I also know that their father's death has stirred all this up for DH and his siblings. There are many days when I'm grateful to be an only child.
I am really off topic but as always, feel better to get it off my chest and none of you are obligated to read or respond. Please save your kind thoughts for the nephew whose birthday is today, the niece whose birthday was the day FIL went to hospital, and all the other children here.
Repeating thanks for your patience and kindness.
I know MIL is in shock and grief and the last four months have been a nightmare for her. I know she is physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted and in pain (all 3 sorts). I know that even without FIL's death, she does not express herself well. I am very, very sad for her and am worried about what will happen. They married when she was 19 and tomorrow is their wedding anniversary (would have been 51). I can barely imagine what she must be suffering and I am genuinely sorry for her, I truly am.
However, she is not the only person who has suffered a loss and everyone else here is grieving as well. We are doing our best to support each other and the adult children and their kids are able to enjoy some of this time together and take turns with what needs to be done and support each other, but MIL is pushing everyone farther and farther away. I think it's very sad and while we all want to make sure MIL is cared for and supported, it will be difficult.
Feelings are also running high regarding an old rift in the family. About 20 years ago one DIL (wife of one of DH's brothers) had some sort of argument with MIL and two of my husband's siblings, here at my in-laws' house. DIL stormed out and vowed she would never darken their door again. All well and good, except they live nearby and she cut off all contact between their daughter (the eldest grandchild in the family) and my in-laws for the next 12 years, when we had a tragic death in the family, but that's a story for another day. Subsequent events (also stories for another day) meant that some of my siblings-in-law harbour a lot of anger towards that SIL (wish I could name them for clarity) and don't want her at the funeral or anywhere near us. In the past two weeks the siblings have started to mend fences with their semi-estranged brother, but still want nothing to do with his wife. I admit she is a nasty piece of work and I'd prefer to have nothing to do with her either, but just want to get through this with as little drama as possible. I also know that their father's death has stirred all this up for DH and his siblings. There are many days when I'm grateful to be an only child.
I am really off topic but as always, feel better to get it off my chest and none of you are obligated to read or respond. Please save your kind thoughts for the nephew whose birthday is today, the niece whose birthday was the day FIL went to hospital, and all the other children here.
Repeating thanks for your patience and kindness.
JM. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. My son went out yesterday and bought a new bike which is my worst nightmare. I wish we could make the roads safer.
Amy. I'm sorry for your loss and hope you can navigate sibling mess that will follow. Are you sure your MIL doesn't have bi polar or early AD?
When my FIL died DH organised everything for MIL as she just sort of went into a detached phase. On the day of the funeral she loaded her BIL and SIL and other relatives into the two limousines and completely forgot that DH and FIL's only grandchildren were going to the funeral. We would have been left going in our car or on the pavement. Eventually some of nieces and nephews insisted that DH be allowed in the second car. After about a year she developed AD. She never was the smartest pencil but things fell apart when FIL died.
Amy. I'm sorry for your loss and hope you can navigate sibling mess that will follow. Are you sure your MIL doesn't have bi polar or early AD?
When my FIL died DH organised everything for MIL as she just sort of went into a detached phase. On the day of the funeral she loaded her BIL and SIL and other relatives into the two limousines and completely forgot that DH and FIL's only grandchildren were going to the funeral. We would have been left going in our car or on the pavement. Eventually some of nieces and nephews insisted that DH be allowed in the second car. After about a year she developed AD. She never was the smartest pencil but things fell apart when FIL died.
JM, so sorry to hear about your friend - and sorry too for the way you heard the news
It's one of the things I hate about social media.
Ann, I can't remember the medication name of Exelon - if I think of it, I'll let you know. It's quite a common medication for alzheimers disease - William was put on that because Aricept had no affect at all. Although he was beyond the stage where Aricept or Exelon could hope to slow the progress of his illness at the time, his consultant prescribed the Exelon because he said appeared to help some people's anxiety and agitation as a side effect.
It's one of the things I hate about social media.
Ann, I can't remember the medication name of Exelon - if I think of it, I'll let you know. It's quite a common medication for alzheimers disease - William was put on that because Aricept had no affect at all. Although he was beyond the stage where Aricept or Exelon could hope to slow the progress of his illness at the time, his consultant prescribed the Exelon because he said appeared to help some people's anxiety and agitation as a side effect.
Rivastigmine
Rivastigmine is a drug used to treat Alzheimer’s disease. Many people will know it as the brand Exelon. It is taken as capsules, oral solution or patches, and has some side-effects.
Rivastigmine is a cholinesterase inhibitor, which means it prevents an enzyme (acetylcholinesterase) from breaking down acetylcholine – an important chemical messenger which allows nerve cells in the brain to communicate with each other.
For more information, see factsheet 407, Drug treatments for Alzheimer’s disease.
Rivastigmine is a drug used to treat Alzheimer’s disease. Many people will know it as the brand Exelon. It is taken as capsules, oral solution or patches, and has some side-effects.
Rivastigmine is a cholinesterase inhibitor, which means it prevents an enzyme (acetylcholinesterase) from breaking down acetylcholine – an important chemical messenger which allows nerve cells in the brain to communicate with each other.
For more information, see factsheet 407, Drug treatments for Alzheimer’s disease.
There are so many cyclists in my area, and we are one big family, that it works quite well in this instance. This way the fabulous lady at the cafe, who took her husband to find her, didn't have to keep telling everyone, and it could also be passed on to the very large friendship group fairly quickly before it hit the national news.
Whenever I hear on local news of an incident involving a cyclist, I am then waiting to hear who it is, although this time it wasn't put on news outlets until her son had announced it.
Ah- wasn't just a sort of public news post then. That would have been awful.
So sorry to hear about FIL. Take good care of yourself as I know you will only be thinking of the rest of the family now.
Evening all,
I'm sorry that some of you are going through very sad times
Amy, I'm sorry that your FIL lost his life, especially as he wasn't at home as he had wished. Your MIL's behaviour sounds truly bizarre, so hurtful to many people.
JM, what terrible news about your cycling friend! I must admit that I never understood the issues cyclists face until I took it up in my 50s! Now unable to cycle myself, I worry for my son who cycles to and from his work in the centre of London.
Grace, the last thing you need at the moment is difficult neighbours. It really sounds as if that Dr has thrown his weight around for a long time!
Ann, it's so sad to hear that MIL is just as distressed as she has ever been - the significant difference is that you are not having to deal with it all by yourself!
We had a good time away and brought Sky home with us. She is currently in the quarantine crate in our spare bedroom and emanating noxious fumes! She has allowed ear tikkuls and purred, so I'm sure she will settle with a little time and patience.
I'm sorry that some of you are going through very sad times
Amy, I'm sorry that your FIL lost his life, especially as he wasn't at home as he had wished. Your MIL's behaviour sounds truly bizarre, so hurtful to many people.
JM, what terrible news about your cycling friend! I must admit that I never understood the issues cyclists face until I took it up in my 50s! Now unable to cycle myself, I worry for my son who cycles to and from his work in the centre of London.
Grace, the last thing you need at the moment is difficult neighbours. It really sounds as if that Dr has thrown his weight around for a long time!
Ann, it's so sad to hear that MIL is just as distressed as she has ever been - the significant difference is that you are not having to deal with it all by yourself!
We had a good time away and brought Sky home with us. She is currently in the quarantine crate in our spare bedroom and emanating noxious fumes! She has allowed ear tikkuls and purred, so I'm sure she will settle with a little time and patience.
JM - I saw her son's very moving tribute at the end of a programme last night.
We were horse-riders when my daughter was younger, and a friend of ours, whom we rode with and encouraged, mutual encouragement, at scary three-day-eventing practice, was killed with her horse on local roads. We have never forgotten her (or her horse!) and I still feel so sad to think about it, decades later. I wish we'd done something to commemorate her life in a positive way and that may be something that would help your cycling fraternity?
Sending hugs to you all.
We were horse-riders when my daughter was younger, and a friend of ours, whom we rode with and encouraged, mutual encouragement, at scary three-day-eventing practice, was killed with her horse on local roads. We have never forgotten her (or her horse!) and I still feel so sad to think about it, decades later. I wish we'd done something to commemorate her life in a positive way and that may be something that would help your cycling fraternity?
Sending hugs to you all.
