How to tell when it's time for care home?
- Thread starter sah
- Start date
Sorry I posted this on by mistake. Should have started a new thread. Still learning even after all this time and at my age......
Hi all:
Just popped down to see Ian as there was a barbecue at the home for families etc today. Think I got my hopes up too much; he wouldn't join in as his routine is to have his lunch-always the same thing - in front of the 1 o'clock news. The staff were lovely-even though they had prepared a lovely spread( with a welcome glass of Pimms ) -they still sorted out his separate food. But I was hoping he would sit outside and mix a bit. I should really know better!
Had the same when I went with him to the beach last week( I followed their minibus) He wouldn't go for a walk-which he was doing only a month ago.
Keep beating myself up with the guilt stick. I keep being told I shouldn't-but hate seeing him unhappy.Although I'm not really sure if he is or not-confused maybe? Have been told I must nor try to bring him home-and I know that makes sense as the dog mess could well start all over again. But.........
The staff keep telling me it's early days and it will get easier. Just wish that would hurry up and happen!xxx
Just popped down to see Ian as there was a barbecue at the home for families etc today. Think I got my hopes up too much; he wouldn't join in as his routine is to have his lunch-always the same thing - in front of the 1 o'clock news. The staff were lovely-even though they had prepared a lovely spread( with a welcome glass of Pimms ) -they still sorted out his separate food. But I was hoping he would sit outside and mix a bit. I should really know better!
Had the same when I went with him to the beach last week( I followed their minibus) He wouldn't go for a walk-which he was doing only a month ago.
Keep beating myself up with the guilt stick. I keep being told I shouldn't-but hate seeing him unhappy.Although I'm not really sure if he is or not-confused maybe? Have been told I must nor try to bring him home-and I know that makes sense as the dog mess could well start all over again. But.........
The staff keep telling me it's early days and it will get easier. Just wish that would hurry up and happen!xxx
Am I right in thinking that he has FTD? Obsessions are part of the features of FTD - and so are rituals. The idea that he has to have his dinner at 1 o'clock in front of the news definitely sounds about right to me. They also tend to get sensory overload and so dont join in. It doesnt mean they are unhappy though. OH is perfectly happy in his own little world.
It's no good me telling you to throw the guilt stick away, but if our roles were reversed, I'm sure you'd be telling me that! We all feel that guilt, to some degree, and yet there's no reason why we should. No Sweetie, you can't go through PooGate again, and it is just a case of having to wait, and hope things will get easier.
Remember it's not the "him that was" who is unhappy, but the "him he's become". Large box of cyber chocolates winging their way to you. xxx
I can so relate to that feeling of wishing for the easier days to 'hurry up and happen'! My M-i-L is in respite, too, and has been unhappy at times. The care home used the word 'inconsolable' which, of course, thumped me hard with the guilt stick. But she was much the same in her own home, and as a result would wander across a busy road, dodging the traffic, looking for someone or something on the other side to ease her unhappiness. I ask myself, is she better off unhappy and safe in the CH, or unhappy and unsafe in her own home?
I don't need to spell out the answer, but I do need to keep reminding myself that I did the right thing, and to take things one day at a time. That is easier said than done, of course!
I think that for the CH to use the word "inconsolable", is very very wrong, and shouldn't have been used. You're absolutely right that the difference between your MIL's home, and the Care Home, is the word "safe". Sending loving thoughts xxx
Thank you so much, Scarlett. Now it's my turn to send YOU a cyber (((hug))). Thank you for brightening my day. xxx
Thanks all -once again! I know I'm still very fragile and would totally crack if I tried having Ian at home again....it doesn't help that he appears to be so much better there-which I suppose is because he's there(garbling-I'm an English teacher-should do better....
)
Also worrying about what will happen when his money runs out...I will contact you before that happens Scarlett, which is in around 14 months -all advice will be needed and welcome!
Sunny day-going to try to relax and enjoy the garden! Hope you all have a lovely day.xxxx
)Also worrying about what will happen when his money runs out...I will contact you before that happens Scarlett, which is in around 14 months -all advice will be needed and welcome!
Sunny day-going to try to relax and enjoy the garden! Hope you all have a lovely day.xxxx
Hi all. Update: Ian now settled into care home-only mentions going home when he sees me-otherwise, he seems to be coping as well as we could hope for. he was signed off from the Mental Health team yesterday as they feel he's in the right place and settled. I still feel awfully guilty but get told off by everyone....including his CPN!
Was managing OK-but the brother has been to visit today-the one who was so abusive to me last January. It's the first visit since last November; he's not going to come and see me ( good!) but is planning to meet with the very antagonistic stepdaughter on Saturday before going back to Midlands on Sunday. They have never teated me as if I was Ian's wife -
I've been told over and over again to ignore them-and that they can't do anything - but I feel so stressed and sick. I'm having counselling which has heped and know I'm grieving-just don't need any rubbish from them. I am right in thinking they cannot insist on anything?
xx
Was managing OK-but the brother has been to visit today-the one who was so abusive to me last January. It's the first visit since last November; he's not going to come and see me ( good!) but is planning to meet with the very antagonistic stepdaughter on Saturday before going back to Midlands on Sunday. They have never teated me as if I was Ian's wife -
I've been told over and over again to ignore them-and that they can't do anything - but I feel so stressed and sick. I'm having counselling which has heped and know I'm grieving-just don't need any rubbish from them. I am right in thinking they cannot insist on anything?
xx
Hello sah, pleased to hear from you, sorry you are having problems with family, my husbands sisters have always been trouble to me, both of them do not visit their brother, we have never done anything to harm them, l put it down to jealousy, we achieved more in life than them. The Dr from the mental health team have tried to sign Ed off, but the care manager will not hear of it, she said we still need their support. Its good you are having some counselling, l hope it helps to ease the pain for you.
Hi Panaam
Bit better today - I went to see Ian last night and he had no recall of seeing them. They were planning on taking him out today -I've not heard anything so am hoping there were no upsets for him.
Apparently they totally ignored the staff at the home yesterday-did not speak to them at all, which beggars belief. You'd think they'd want to know how he was getting on. They go back home on Sunday morning so am hoping we get there without any problems. On tenterhooks.....
Our mental health team said they would be available if they were needed so care home seemed quite happy-maybe it varies from team or area.
xx
Bit better today - I went to see Ian last night and he had no recall of seeing them. They were planning on taking him out today -I've not heard anything so am hoping there were no upsets for him.
Apparently they totally ignored the staff at the home yesterday-did not speak to them at all, which beggars belief. You'd think they'd want to know how he was getting on. They go back home on Sunday morning so am hoping we get there without any problems. On tenterhooks.....
Our mental health team said they would be available if they were needed so care home seemed quite happy-maybe it varies from team or area.
xx
