Depression and acute awareness of memory problems

Amber_31

Registered User
Jun 29, 2016
79
0
My mum tried on a slinky navy dress that she's had for thirty years and she looked so beautiful. I told her, 'mum, you've got such a good figure' and she replied woefully, 'I'd rather have a brain' . Of course, wouldn't we all. And then she went out, and got locked out- she had her keys on her, but, 'didn't think they were the right keys for the house', (After I travelled one hour to get there with my baby on the tube at 10pm making me the worst mum ever- there are many recent examples of those) and she has been crying all night long. She is always sad. She tells me 'there's nothing left for me but dying', and 'you could just kill me', 'why can't I do even simple things' ' It breaks my heart and every day there is a further fracture. does anyone know, can this stage pass and our darling parents accept a new 'normal', and reach a modicum of, if not happiness, a contentment and acceptance? And if so, does this come from within or is there anything we can do? Or is she likely to be crying every day for the rest of her life? Other than the pets/children/art/music, which can cheer her up in the moment, is there anything else that can stop her constantly crying? Even when my baby son giggles on her lap she is still sad. She takes citalopram but I don't think it really does much. Even if someone can just tell me I'm not alone, I would feel so grateful. It's nearly 1am and I feel so painfully lonely.
 

Tcake2

Registered User
May 29, 2016
22
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Oh Amber, please don't feel so isolated, you are not alone. It may be 1.00 in the morning but I'm sure we're not the only ones trying to make sense of this awful illness. My mum also cries almost constantly, despairing she feels cheated and confused at how her life has changed. I try not to let her see how it tears me up as she alternately blames us/ demands that we somehow make it right again. Afterwards I lie awake and it just goes round and round in my head. I don't know if there's a next stage where there's acceptance, I'm sorry I don't have any answers ( though I'm sure others on here will ) but please don't feel you're alone. I can only offer you a virtual hand but I too would be glad to have someone walking beside me on this thankless journey. I'm thinking of you and sending all the support I can muster.
 

Sophie9

Registered User
Jun 21, 2015
3
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Hi, another one who hardly sleeps here. Yes in answer to your question I think it's a common thing for the person with dementia to be frustrated about the situation they find themselves in. Who can blame them? Their mind is in fog most if the time, they know items like a radio but not how to turn it on when a year ago they didn't it without thinking.

My Mum has had it for at least three years and it's been hard, and now my Dad who always said he would hate to be in her situation. He has shown signs of having dementia for a while now but only over the last two weeks it seems to have dawned on him what outsiders were already aware of. I've noticed since he's become aware he says when he's angry that he's thought about suicide. At the time I thought it was because of his anger but now I think it's because he has realised he's going the same as my Mum. Very sad and hare to always be patient. Never feel alone on this forum as we have been in most situations and empathise more than judge thank goodness.
 

Amber_31

Registered User
Jun 29, 2016
79
0
Tcake, Sophie and Carmar, I'm so grateful for your kind and sympathetic responses. I think we all want to know, 'why them' and, 'why me'. It is indeed all meaningless. My mum was very depressed in the past few years because she divorced my father, after 20 years of being on the fence about it and the stress of a bad marriage, so it seems so cruel that now she's as depressed as she's ever been. I think that's why I'm so profoundly upset. I suppose in the face of someone who can't be cheered up, all we can do is hug them tightly, tell them we love them and try to keep life stimulating and busy. I'm not sure what else. I'm feeling particularly sorry for myself this week as I'm sporting a huge ugly burn on my hand which is too big for any plaster, which I did on taking cheese on toast out of the oven without a proper baking tray, as, my mum threw them all away, and I was making it to distract her whilst she was accusing me of stealing something (but she wouldn't tell me what I'd stolen, which meant I couldn't even scurry around looking for it , she just said 'don't pretend you don't know'). Of course it was my fault for burning myself, but it happened because I was upset and not concentrating. But what's a burn compared to a lost identity and memory bank, nothing.
 

Tcake2

Registered User
May 29, 2016
22
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'Don't pretend you don't know' ....... Well there's no right answer to that one is there.
Sorry you and your mum are having such a rough time at the moment Amber, and a nasty burn just adds injury to insult! Fault doesn't come into it, you were upset and distracted and trying to do your best so spare a hug and a bit of love for yourself.
Too tired to come up with anything that makes sense just at the moment but sending you a hug from me ( being careful of your poor hand ).
 
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canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
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South coast
'Don't pretend you don't know' - That means that she cant remember what it is that you are supposed to have taken - she is just sure that you have taken something, because it all keeps going missing (and its not her :rolleyes:) It can be so difficult to cope.

Keep an eye on that burn - perhaps you could talk to your pharmacist?
 

Beetroot

Registered User
Aug 19, 2015
360
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This is so hard for you. The tube at that time of night isn't a pleasant place to be, let alone with a baby in tow.

An anti-depressant that works for one person, won't necessarily work for another. If the one she's on isn't helping her, she needs to go back to the doctor and have them try a different one. It may be however, that she is deeply unhappy about her condition, and I don't think any pill is going to treat that.

My mother gets enormously frustrated that she can't do things - she thinks I'll do this or that, looks at it and doesn't know where to begin. If I get her started and hang around to guide occasionally, she is ok, other times she downs tools, says I just can't get my head round it and leaves it. It is upsetting to watch her go through all this.

The pharmacist will have large dressings for that burn. It should be covered to reduce the chance of infection - not something you need at all, let alone with so much on your plate already. Best of luck.
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,936
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North East England
If you feel that the Citolopram is not helping, don't let Mum stop them without advice. You/she/both of you ( sorry:eek:) need to discuss the problem with her GP. It can take six weeks or so before they start working fully. My Mum took them for a couple of years and they did lift the mood (eventually:rolleyes:).
BTW :rolleyes:you are not a bad Mum taking your baby on the tube at 10 pm......a bad Mum would have left her baby at home on its own!!!! You were a careful Mum and a good daughter.x.x.
 

danonwheels

Registered User
Apr 13, 2016
229
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Rotherham, South Yorkshire
I'd echo what Maureen said above re your daughter. Just doing what you had to given the situation.

I tried using Citalopram when I was first told i was depressed back in 2005 and found it did nothing for me. Once I'd been weaned off that and been titrated onto Fluoxetine I found I had an almost instant improvement.

Might be worth (if possible) getting your Mum to talk to her GP about changing meds - as others have said not everything works for everyone, we're all different, and it could be that the right med could make a world of difference for her.
 

Jasmine123

Registered User
Jan 22, 2014
42
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Hi Amber 31,

Just messaging to empathise here. My mum, in her early stages was absolutely devastated about having AD and was just so sad. It would be impossible to cheer her up, especially as I could understand why she was so sad. I used to call her up and she would just be crying down the phone and I would have no way of cheering her up. One time tho, when she was crying, I convinced her to leave the house and walk to local shop to buy my sister a present for her birthday. I just had to think of something she still do and just felt proud of myself for convincing her to get out of the house. Or we made a list of things she should be happy about such as '1) having a great outfit, 2) having Jane as a friend etc.' Often though it would be impossible to cheer her up and I wouldn't bother. The sadness did fade though but was replaced with hallucinations which i wouldn't say was better. But then they passed and I don't think she was sad anymore as she no longer was aware of her illness.

I don't think sadness is a constant though, other things come and go and it might become easier or more difficult.

And I doubt very much you are a bad mother! My sister has a toddler and used to look after both our mum and the baby. She would joke that she was pretty sure no one in her nct class would have left paid so little attention to their first born as she did sometimes. But it also made her a far more relaxed first time mum, as she had already had to deal with the stress of looking after our mum. I am sure you are a superb mum!
 

Amber_31

Registered User
Jun 29, 2016
79
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Thank-you again to all for the kind and comments. We've never met but we're all in singing from the same hymnsheet. The burn is slowly getting better thank-you. A few days on savlon and air seem to be helping. I'm feeling better and when I see or feel it my thoughts are 'care about yourself' rather than 'destiny is mocking you' as I felt when it happened. Jasmine, thank-you for your message about your sister and her toddler. My experiences are similar- the baby boy is a divine blessing and I honestly don't know how I would have got through the past year without him. The baby (who turns six months tomorrow) fitted so snugly into my life compared to the snowball of dementia afflicting my lovely mum.
 

Amber_31

Registered User
Jun 29, 2016
79
0
Cragmaid and danonwheels, thank-you for your posts about the anti-depressants, and the refreshing news that the right pill can make a world of difference. I suppose it's the long list of possible side effects that makes switching tablets quite so daunting. I will speak to the GP about it- thank-you.
 

Amber_31

Registered User
Jun 29, 2016
79
0
And Tcake, beetroot and canary, thank-you for your support. Virtual hugs to you all. This forum really does help to quash the loneliness I'm feeling all the time, especially at night. This experience we're all going though, for a long part of our lives, is one of a kind. The 'why us, what did she/I do' is constantly on my mind. Ironically the baby is a very good sleeper and I'm a hardened insomniac.