help! What to say to mum when she wants to go home!!!

[pitkin]

Hi, I'm new to this so Baer with my mum has vascular dementia, and other health problems and has been living with me,my husband and 18 year old daughter since December 15.
I'm really struggling with what to say to her when she asks to go home as she has an answer for everything, doesn't remember that she has health problems so can't see why she can't go home as she thinks she's doing great! She can get quite nasty about this and says I'm lying! Slams doors! screams! Then it starts all over again after 10 minutes! She also doesn't remember eating and drinking so is constantly saying either we're all lying about her having breakfast/dinner ect and we're starving her! Or she thinks she's in a care home and the cares aren't feeding her! Saying I don't care cos if I did I'd report" them" and take her home! I'm at my wits end with this as it's consistent battle to settle her down about this! Since she's been here I've had 2weeks respite and have booked another 2weeks starting next week already!! but the social worker asked what I'm going to do if I keep needing respite like this but I not ready to put her in a home just yet any advice would be much appreciated thank you

 

[canary]

Hello Debranowick and welcome to Talking Point.

Have you asked your mum where her home is and/or what it is like? Im asking this because mum has just started saying that she wants to go home, but it is her childhood home (that was bombed in the war) that she she wants to go back to, not her previous home! You may well find that your mum is the same as its very common. The desire to go back is actually a desire to leave behind the anxiety and confusion of the dementia and to go somewhere safe and that they understand. Its a state of mind rather than an actual place.

As you have found, reasoning and logic do not work. The best thing is to say yes, but come up with some reason why they cant go now: its too cold/hot/wet/dark/windy to travel: there has been a burst pipe and it needs fixing: they are staying for the weekend: they are here now and might as well stay the night. Whatever works. If they press for when they are going, be very vague: when the weathers better, when everything is fixed etc. Then distract them. Would they like to watch a film/ have a cup of tea etc?

This may sound awful, but its not really lying - they cannot enter into your (real) world, so you have to enter theirs. Its called "love lies" on here as you are saying these things to ease their distress. Compassionate Communication is the way to go. http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...-with-the-Memory-Impaired&p=413710#post413710

 

[mancmum]

You can only do this if it works for you. When father said he wanted to go home ...to his former home ... we said Yes, tomorrow, will you go by train or taxi. Thinking about the options of train or taxi stopped him wanting to go. Could it be Yes, but stay here for a couple of days because I can come back with you then and settle you in, do your shopping. what about Yes...you will need to buy some milk and bread.

At that stage father possibly had memory from the previous hour.

 

[pitkin]

Thanks you two they are really helpful suggestions, I especially like "love lies"it doesn't sound as bad when put like that yes I've asked her where she means and its to her what was present house as she lived there for 56 years (40 with my Dad until his death then 16 on her own,it's was our family home) when I ask her about it she talks about the neighbours that were there over 10 years ago that have now gone into care themselves or died, so it seems that she has mainly lost the past 10_15 years up to now but occasionally longer,but that makes sense as she was fit and well then, she's only been ill for the past 3/4 years.
I'm going to try using that the house needs repairs,or boiler is broken and ill let you know if this works, fingers x p.s have you experienced the situation concerning food/drink ? It's not major thing at the moment ,just wondering, thanks so much

 

[Beate]

Never argue, never correct, never contradict. If she can't remember having eaten, you can't convince her otherwise, so say you'll be doing dinner in a minute but would she like a snack in the meantime? Then give her a biscuit or fruit. It won't harm her but she'll feel being taken seriously. If she wants to drink, give her a drink. I don't think you can ever drink too much, and being hydrated is important.

 

[topsy1]

Hi Debranowiki, you got some really helpful replies and I wanted to add something else, my mother was getting really anxious and upset and on the go all the time, we got no rest from it, and then I called the GP and he said he would try a mild sedative on her. I did not have to take her to see him, he just left a prescription for me. I guess they are used to this happening. The first medication we tried had no effect so I called him again, and she has been on half a tablet of Seroquel for over 2 years now. I would be the last one to go for medicating someone, hardly ever take a painkiller myself, but as the GP said, its easier on her (because the edge is taken off the anxiety) and easier for the carer. Its great that you can care for your mum at home, sometimes medication for her enables you to carry on longer because life gets more relaxed.

 

[pitkin]

Never argue, never correct, never contradict. If she can't remember having eaten, you can't convince her otherwise, so say you'll be doing dinner in a minute but would she like a snack in the meantime? Then give her a biscuit or fruit. It won't harm her but she'll feel being taken seriously. If she wants to drink, give her a drink. I don't think you can ever drink too much, and being hydrated is important.

Thanks for tha advice, it's reassuring that I'm doing the right thing as I've already been doing the same thing you advised the only problem is my mums started with heart failure and has been on water tablets to get the fluid build up down so is only allowed 1.5 liters of liquid a day now! including the water you take tablets with (3 times a day) and even soup! This is my main problem at the moment, but I'm trying new ways to get round this without having to say no to her, which I hate as its awful being thirsty! I've bought a couple of cups/glasses ranging from 100ml to 200ml so she gets a drink when she asks but it's still in the limit and so far it's working

 

[pitkin]

Hi Debranowiki, you got some really helpful replies and I wanted to add something else, my mother was getting really anxious and upset and on the go all the time, we got no rest from it, and then I called the GP and he said he would try a mild sedative on her. I did not have to take her to see him, he just left a prescription for me. I guess they are used to this happening. The first medication we tried had no effect so I called him again, and she has been on half a tablet of Seroquel for over 2 years now. I would be the last one to go for medicating someone, hardly ever take a painkiller myself, but as the GP said, its easier on her (because the edge is taken off the anxiety) and easier for the carer. Its great that you can care for your mum at home, sometimes medication for her enables you to carry on longer because life gets more relaxed.

Hi, I know they've all been a great help Thanks, mums been on mild antidepressants for about 18 months as she was very depressed aft a failed triple bypass this helped immensely but then she got used to the dose so the doctor increases it 4 months ago so maybe the dose needs adjusting again which I didn't think of until you brought this up !(thanks) ill mention it to the doctor next time. I know what you mean about this type of meditation as I was dubious as mums never had anything like this before, but I'm so glad we tried it cos like I said it really helped her

 

[angelface]

If your mum has a dry mouth,would sugar free sweets help? Might make her feel she was getting something to eat ,as well.