Complulsive Lying

[Concerned J]

I love my Mum dearly but at the moment I don't like her very much!
She is at the cruel stage of Alz where she knows she is losing her memory and is depressed because of that realisation.
Last night she stayed with a friend as she accused her brother/carer of being awful and throwing things. (I am sure it is her who's being nasty and violent).
When I picked her up this morning I found out she sees this friend frequently. I visit every week and my youngest sister who works near her pops in regularly. (yet she never sees anyone !!!!)
The friend seems to have sided with Mum. She told me that we (my sisters & I) need to see her more often !!
Now not only am I battling with Mum I have outsiders telling me what to do.
My real concern is if an authorative person gets to hear some of her accusations they'll be trouble. Not least for my uncle.
I just wanted to get this of my chest but does anyone else have to deal with this sort of situation

 

[marionq]

Buy your uncle a large A4 diary. When any of you visit write in arrival and departure times, what you do for your Mum and how the visit has gone. Get him to to keep a regular note of their life together. If your Mum wants to write her version in then so be it. That way you have some account of what is going on including visits from friends and what they say.

 

[Concerned J]

Thank you Marion .
That is certainly worth thinking about. Mum still manages to go out on her own and I don't think my uncle will always know where she's gone.
She would accuse him of interfering /being nosey if he asked. Poor bloke can't do a thing right at the moment.
I wish I could put a GPS tracing devise on her (or a camera) just out of curiosity .

 

[Slugsta]

Unless your mum is very unusual, she is not lying. She is telling the truth as her dementia-led mind is telling her. You will never get her to admit that she is not telling the truth as she knows that what she is saying is right, just as much as you or I do.

Our brains fill in gaps all the time - how many of us notice our visual blind spot unless we actually look for it? After an accident many people will swear they saw everything, even if they couldn't have done so. They are not all knowingly embroidering the truth, their brains hear the noise, see the aftermath and fill in the gaps, without them even thinking about it.

People with dementia do this too - but as they forget more there are more gaps to fill! This is called 'confabulation' and gets more common as time goes on.

The diary might be a very good idea in this situation. At least someone will know the facts rather than the confabulation.

 

[GUSGUS]

I have had exactly that happen to me.
2weeks ago a so called friend(see's MIL twice yearly..if that)called social services.She had caught MIL on a day when she was particularly down,does not have visitors,does not go out kind of a day.So rather than gathering any facts,not via the home manager or any close family members ,decided to call SS and say"this lady has been dumped in a home,nobody visits,not stimulated by the home enough.

Not only were we let down by this lady,we were let down by SS.The duty Social worker arranged a meeting with this lady(not family)to see if my MIL was being neglected or failed by the home.

I have had an apology by this social workers superior,saying she failed our family and after serious investigation came to the conclusion that we were a caring family and had MIL best interest.He also said it was noted that this lady was a busy body,who did not have her facts and had caused no end of upset for all concerned.

I don't know what the answer is to all this.We live,as a lot of others do,not knowing what the next saga will be.All we know is we deal with it the best way we can, and know MIL is ill,what is the busy body's excuse ???


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Concerned J]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read /post a comment. I think I know that I need to take some of Mum's comments and actions with a pinch of salt .
I just get sooooo frustrated and it's better to moan & scream here than with Mum.

thank you all. xx

 

[BR_ANA]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read /post a comment. I think I know that I need to take some of Mum's comments and actions with a pinch of salt .
I just get sooooo frustrated and it's better to moan & scream here than with Mum.

thank you all. xx

Maybe your uncle could learn compassionate communication http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showpost.php?p=413710

Moan here, we all understand it. Maybe you can invite your uncle to TP too. It is a great place to exchange dementias problems.

 

[Onlyme]

MIL told SW that we never visited and that her son hadn't been to see her for 3 years. I got the phone call from SS asking how could I be so cruel and leave her like that. I pointed out DH had spent the last two weekends with her, done her shopping, mended various things around the house, cut the grass and cooked her meals. I also pointed out that 30 minutes after he had left her she was on the phone asking when he was coming to see her as he hadn't been round for years.

When asked just how much dementia experience she had she went very quiet.