Immense sense of Loneliness

[Jennyc]

We are away for a few days. In a beautiful cottage, in a beautiful part of the country. I decided to come away in response to my husband's constant refrain of "when can we see more of England?".

What a mistake. He is confused and doing awful things like peeing in the bath and on the floor, dropping food everywhere. I thought he would be pleased as he keeps on about seeing new things. It was a silly idea. Maybe we should just cut our losses and go home again.

But oh the immense, intense loneliness with no-one to share what we have done or seen, no one to talk to at the end of the day other than to say no we are not at home, we are here, and yes we will eat soon when I have worked out the oven.

I don't think I can cope with this again, me whose plan it was to travel when I finally retired. I've never felt so lonely in my life.

 

[rhubarbtree]

Such a sad post which I totally understand. That feeling of aloneness but also carrying the weight of responsibility. I did think about a self catering holiday earlier in the year but decided against it because the ones we have had before always seem to be further from facilities than is practical. Used to be able to ask OH to pop out for milk etc. Those days have gone. Getting a pint of milk means both of us finding shoes, locking up, parking, trailing to shop....

If we do go away it will be a cruise or W.........s. Food and some entertainment provided. Not what I imagined for my retirement.

We are away for a few days. In a beautiful cottage, in a beautiful part of the country. I decided to come away in response to my husband's constant refrain of "when can we see more of England?".

What a mistake. He is confused and doing awful things like peeing in the bath and on the floor, dropping food everywhere. I thought he would be pleased as he keeps on about seeing new things. It was a silly idea. Maybe we should just cut our losses and go home again.

But oh the immense, intense loneliness with no-one to share what we have done or seen, no one to talk to at the end of the day other than to say no we are not at home, we are here, and yes we will eat soon when I have worked out the oven.

I don't think I can cope with this again, me whose plan it was to travel when I finally retired. I've never felt so lonely in my life.

 

[nae sporran]

Sorry Jenny, too busy watching football and explaining to OH what is happening. But, your headline caught my eye, so sending a sympathetic hug and hope your hubby settles in the morning.

 

[HUG]

Jennyc I feel for you. MY mum has Alzheimer's very late stages now but until this year we were determined to go on holiday. Not for my mums sake but for my dads. So instead of going away as separate families my sister and myself with husbands and children joined my parents. This gave us quality time with my mum, and my dad could share those moments with us and my dad could have conversations with us, sit and chat on an evening. We shared my mums care and she loved all the attention. I hope you are in a position that possibly this could work for you.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[Grannie G]

I feel for you Jenny. The time came when we didn`t go anywhere . It wasn`t worth the confusion it caused and was absolutely no rest for me.

It was only TP who understood.

 

[teetoe]

Dear Jenny, I know that loneliness too, and feel for you. You see other couples out, sharing adventures and conversations, and it is hard not to think "Why me?" Hard when you have all the responsibility without the companionship. Another poster said "Why not me?" - I guess we need to accept this journey and do what we can to make it work for us both. One idea I had was to try to get another couple along, if they understand the situation. Hard though if family/friends are not able to come.

Just want you to know you are not alone. We are here for you, keep posting. Hugs.

 

[pamann]

Hello Jenniec, so sorry you are feeling lonely, it is difficult taking our loved ones away, they do not like change of enviroment, they get so confused, the last time l took my husband away l had to take him home after 2 days. I do understand what you are going through. Sending you a (((((BIG HUG)))))

 

[truth24]

Sorry to read your post, Jenny, and to know you are having such an awful holiday. I think the fact that we no longer have anyone to share with is one of the worst parts of being a carer. We miss the love, conversation, hugs, having someone to lean on in good times and bad, knowing they are always there for you. Aloneness is a cruel thing. Wish I could help but can only send you a big hug. I think if was me and my loved one was so confused, I would cut my losses and go home but that must be your decision. Take care.

 

[jorgieporgie]

So sad post Jenny. I think I would do the same cu my losses and go home. Neither of you are enjoying the holiday by the sounds of it. Safer at home and familiar. Could you not book a break away for a couple of days with someone and get your OH cared for. It is a lonely path we walk but always someone here going through exactly the same and a listening ear. Take care x

 

[marionq]

Jenny my husband and I did a lot of travelling all of our lives together. You would think it could continue even with dementia but I couldn't stand the endless questions and lack of understanding of what we were doing and why. This year for the first time I arranged two weeks respite in a place I knew was very good and where he would be well looked after and entertained. I did not go very far to make sure all was well - and it was - but next time I would go further.

You need a different approach now.

 

[Beetroot]

So sorry it's turned out like this. And can understand the loneliness feeling. It's so tough.

 

[nannylondon]

Jenny, such a sad post totally understand how you feel I gave up on holidays with my OH just made him more confused. It's hard to be together but yet apart.
Don't have any advice but sending you a big hug xxxxx

 

[stanleypj]

I think so many on TP will understand and recognise your feelings Jenny. Having experienced many holidays in our camper van since dementia struck, we have reached the point where although it might just be possible to do it again I've come to the conclusion that it would no longer be worthwhile. I still wonder whether a few days at a hotel with good disabled facilities might be possible, with help.

 

[Spamar]

Oh, been there, done that!! Drove home, stopping for lunch, and as we drove into the drive he said 'what have we been doing today?'
All, I can suggest is to try some holidays where they can cope with people with dementia. The place we went, in Norfolk caters mainly for those with other diseases, but the cleaning ladies didn't bat an eyelid when faced with urine on the carpet! These all tend to be a bit pricy though.

 

[Loopiloo]

We are away for a few days. In a beautiful cottage, in a beautiful part of the country. I decided to come away in response to my husband's constant refrain of "when can we see more of England?".

What a mistake. He is confused and doing awful things like peeing in the bath and on the floor, dropping food everywhere. I thought he would be pleased as he keeps on about seeing new things. It was a silly idea. Maybe we should just cut our losses and go home again.

But oh the immense, intense loneliness with no-one to share what we have done or seen, no one to talk to at the end of the day other than to say no we are not at home, we are here, and yes we will eat soon when I have worked out the oven.

I don't think I can cope with this again, me whose plan it was to travel when I finally retired. I've never felt so lonely in my life.

Oh Jenny my heart goes out to you. Most of what you wrote could have been me writing.

Our last holiday was horrendous, I wanted to come home but my husband insisted he was fine, enjoying it - far from it. We had missed holidaying the previous year and he had continuously asked when were we going away. I had doubts but felt I had to try it. A huge mistake. But heart breaking.

The loss of sharing is a huge loss and it takes a long time to 'learn to live with it'. If ever.

I do feel for you.

Loo xx

 

[Scarlett123]

Oh Jenny, how sad I feel for you, and how much your post is familiar to so many of us. On paper, the plans seem fine, but once we discover the reality, we realise what a mistake we've made.

But the bit I can identify most with, is that there's nobody to discuss what you've done, and that equally applies to going for a 10 minute drive down the road, in the autumn, and seeing the stunning beauty of the trees.

And 10 minutes later, when you've returned, and you say "weren't those trees beautiful!", he looks blankly back at you and says "is it Thursday?"

 

[irismary]

Oh Jenny I know just how you feel. We holidayed and traveled a lot but I cannot face the thought of it now. Airports, passports, no way could I cope. Even in the UK I struggled. Unfamiliar bathrooms, small shower cubicles water everywhere etc. No holiday for me actually harder in my opinion. Even day trips are hard as he gets bored and panics if he can't see the car. I also miss the conversation the sharing of thoughts and problems. He still cares deeply - I posted just about how lovely he was with my poorly mom today but he will have forgotten tomorrow how horrible today has been. So sad. Sending best wishes xx

 

[Jennyc]

Thank you all so much - what lovely people you are, who really understand what I am talking about. This is the most cruel disease. We are still here, I'm determined to give it a proper go, and today was a little easier ... Trying not to mind so much x

 

[professor]

Illogicality during discussion

I understand your feeling of loneliness especially after trying to explain to my wife my need for occasional escape and the consequent need for me to ensure her needs are met by arranging someone to visit every 2 or 3 hours during the day that I am away.
She insisted that she could cope and finds it insulting to suggest that she needs such support, and anyway she doesn't want "everyone" discussing" her. When I try to engage in conversation with her about her condition she refutes every observation made about her inability to undertake the basic tasks of shopping, meal preparation, domestic chores. The problem is me, who has taken over "everything".
It comes down to a very real effort to deny her condition, refusing even to consult our GP for diagnosis. It should be said that our GP has informally acknowledged that she has dementia,
Most of all I wonder how much of what I do is governed by my personal needs as opposed to hers.

 

[nae sporran]

Thank you all so much - what lovely people you are, who really understand what I am talking about. This is the most cruel disease. We are still here, I'm determined to give it a proper go, and today was a little easier ... Trying not to mind so much x

Glad things are getting a bit easier for you Jenny. Don't overdo it though. All the best.