What to do when the person won't believe you ?

[Lennard]

Hi,

Apologies if this is a common question - I've tried searching the forums here and failed to find the answer.

Here's the challenge that I have: My wife is in the early stages of dementia. However, she often feels - especially late evening - that she's not in her own home. I've learnt (thro' posts on this forum and elsewhere) that the best option is to quietly assure her that we're sleeping here tonight and in the morning we'll head home.

In the vast majority of times that works and in the morning she recognises that she's home ('again'). Today is one of the rarer occasions when she's still convinced that she's somewhere other than home. She keeps telling me she wants to go home and is upset with me that I'm not taking her. I've changed tack and tried to gently explain that I want her to feel happy and comfortable but that I can't take her home because she is already home. But she doesn't believe me and is getting more upset.

I guess one option would be to take her out in the car and drive around the block and come home. My wife is disabled so that's not straightforward, and I worry that having done that she'll still not recognise her home and be more upset with me for trying even harder to mislead her.

I've pointed out that all her things are around her, but that makes her more suspicious that I've worked hard to mislead her into believing she's in her own home.

I really don't know where to go from here. As I say, I'm trying to follow the usual advice of not contradicting or arguing, but if the person with dementia is uncomfortable with their falsely created situation, should I still be affirming it ?

I'm sure this can't be a unique situation. So I'm wondering how others have approached this / what others have found can work.

Thanks very much for your help!

 

[nae sporran]

Afternoon Lennard. OH gets a little confused about this being her home sometimes too, so I know how that goes.
Driving around wouldn't work for her as she never realises she is home when we have been away and having the Agency carers coming in means she sometimes thinks she is in a Nursing Home or a Care Home.
As for solutions, reassurance does work most nights. She thinks the house she brought up her family and where her mother lived with her for many years is her home. Talking about her mother and how lovely she was often reassures her eventually. Like you say mostly it is forgotten about by the morning.
Another thing is that OH sometimes ask who is in her bed when she means to tell me she wants to go to bed.

Not sure if any of that is helpful, but that is as much as experience has taught me so far. Hopefully someone will have better ideas. Good luck and best wishes to you both.

 

[cragmaid]

The most used solution is the " we'll go home tomorrow"followed by the " When the Doctor says" and the " after the boiler is mended"...the " Oh have you seen that sparrow/starling/red car/ yellow bus?" second verse sometimes re-inforces it.

No I am not laughing at you, perhaps I'm trying to bring a smile because it is soul destroying when you have to go on (love) lying to your other half.

Sadly, emphasising that you and she are at home..."look at the ornaments", while she is sundowning simply encourages her to believe that you are deliberately lying to her.

Play along with the delusions, where possible. It is the easier path for you....honestly.x.

 

[Sue J]

Hi Lennard

Sorry you are having these difficulties with your wife.

I have learnt from my own symptoms and of a close friend I have cared for is that one's mind is often not in the same reality as yours - not that I'm telling you anything you don't already know.! If a carer/spouse is able to recognize where their caree's reality is at a particular time they can help to make them comfortable in it e.g. as Nae sporran describes with his wife.

I have learnt, and heard a million times, details of my friend's childhood - her home and surroundings. She is often more content when I am able to discuss those people and places with her as she can no longer make sense of the way the world and relationships function around her. She knows she's 'not there' but I know she is on her mind and she's not with 'me in reality' if I am at the time! I don't have shared memories of her past only the shared memories of talking about it. It also helps her to look at photos of her past. A big fear of sufferers I think is the losing of more and more memories and talking about them is a way of reinforcing them or trying to prevent their loss.

It helps my friend too when I have bought her something that is in keeping with her childhood loves and styles that she can look at and have in prominent places around her home.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I hope you find something that will.

Best wishes
Sue

 

[rajahh]

My husband and I spent many days looking for " his wife" who strangely shared the same name as me!!!, and his home where his wife was waiting for him.

My husband was disabled but could walk albeit very slowly.

We used to go out and I allowed him to lead the way, of course we never found his home and his wife, and he used to get tired. There were seats near us and we used to sit on a seat and chat while he rested. Then I would say , well it is late I think you had better come home with me and sleep in my house, and tomorrow we would make a real effort to find his wife.

This usually worked and he may be at peace for a few days, but it was a recurring pattern.

The excuse that there is a problem and builders are in repairing also works sometimes, especially now with all this flooding which is affecting houses all over the country. People have to vacate their houses for months while it dries out. Could you use that.

This could explain why some of your wife/s things are with you as you could say you were able to rescue them.

My husband also used to search our bungalow for the stairs so he could sleep up stairs at night. We had never lived in a house with stairs for over 25 years!! In the end exhaustion used to allow him to sleep in the bed he always slept in.

It is not easy when they do not recognise their own homes, and I do sympathise with you

Jeannette

 

[Scarlett123]

Hi Lennard, and a warm welcome to Talking Point. Unfortunately, the answer is similar to "how long is a piece of string". My husband was more of the opinion that we were on holiday, and would wake me to ask what time the plane was leaving, as he wanted to go home.

I tried all the usual things, the flight's delayed, we're staying another few days, the Pilot can't work more hours, our home is being decorated etc. Sometimes he'd forget, and not ask again for a few hours/days/weeks. Other times he would continuously ask.

He was in the army for 9 years, and we had a spell where he asked when he had to report for duty, as he was sure his leave was nearly over, and he hadn't been a soldier very long and didn't want to get into trouble. But, in fact, he'd enlisted 60 years earlier.

I tried distraction techniques, as others have described, or ask him about his army mates. This usually worked quite well, as he would regale me with stories of Scouse Rawlinson, and did I know why he was called Scouse? He came from Liverpool. Fancy that, I'd never have guessed. Over 50 years, even pre Alzheimer's I'd heard these tales a zillion times, but it distracted him from other things.

As others have said "if you've seen one person with Alzheimer's - you've seen one person with Alzheimer's". What works for one, may not work for another, but whenever I felt like climbing the wall, I'd try anything and everything.

I wish you and your wife well, and hope that you'll get lots of posts from other members, and between us all, we might find a solution for you xxx

 

[Aisling]

Hi,

Apologies if this is a common question - I've tried searching the forums here and failed to find the answer.

Here's the challenge that I have: My wife is in the early stages of dementia. However, she often feels - especially late evening - that she's not in her own home. I've learnt (thro' posts on this forum and elsewhere) that the best option is to quietly assure her that we're sleeping here tonight and in the morning we'll head home.

In the vast majority of times that works and in the morning she recognises that she's home ('again'). Today is one of the rarer occasions when she's still convinced that she's somewhere other than home. She keeps telling me she wants to go home and is upset with me that I'm not taking her. I've changed tack and tried to gently explain that I want her to feel happy and comfortable but that I can't take her home because she is already home. But she doesn't believe me and is getting more upset.

I guess one option would be to take her out in the car and drive around the block and come home. My wife is disabled so that's not straightforward, and I worry that having done that she'll still not recognise her home and be more upset with me for trying even harder to mislead her.

I've pointed out that all her things are around her, but that makes her more suspicious that I've worked hard to mislead her into believing she's in her own home.

I really don't know where to go from here. As I say, I'm trying to follow the usual advice of not contradicting or arguing, but if the person with dementia is uncomfortable with their falsely created situation, should I still be affirming it ?

I'm sure this can't be a unique situation. So I'm wondering how others have approached this / what others have found can work.

Thanks very much for your help!

Hi Lennard,

This is so difficult and almost impossible sometimes. All you can do is try the usual distractions, tea, go out if possible etc. as you know it is useless to argue as this only makes matters worse. Do these situations at a particular time of day? Sundowning ? If they do will distractions work prior to the anxiety taking hold of the person?

Aisling

 

[Lennard]

Thanks very much everyone for your (very rapid!) feedback and thoughts. It's helpful to know at least that there are others struggling with similar challenges. In the end 'Mrs Lennard' fell asleep mid-afternoon and when she woke up 3 hours later everything seemed fine again. It does seem to mainly be this 'sundowning' effect which is generally manageable ("we'll go home in the morning") but as I say on rare occasions runs over into the following day. From what some of you have said this is nothing to what you're dealing with day by day so I applaud and feel for you.

Very best wishes.

 

[caqqufa]

Hi,

Apologies if this is a common question - I've tried searching the forums here and failed to find the answer.

Here's the challenge that I have: My wife is in the early stages of dementia. However, she often feels - especially late evening - that she's not in her own home. I've learnt (thro' posts on this forum and elsewhere) that the best option is to quietly assure her that we're sleeping here tonight and in the morning we'll head home.

In the vast majority of times that works and in the morning she recognises that she's home ('again'). Today is one of the rarer occasions when she's still convinced that she's somewhere other than home. She keeps telling me she wants to go home and is upset with me that I'm not taking her. I've changed tack and tried to gently explain that I want her to feel happy and comfortable but that I can't take her home because she is already home. But she doesn't believe me and is getting more upset.

I guess one option would be to take her out in the car and drive around the block and come home. My wife is disabled so that's not straightforward, and I worry that having done that she'll still not recognise her home and be more upset with me for trying even harder to mislead her.

I've pointed out that all her things are around her, but that makes her more suspicious that I've worked hard to mislead her into believing she's in her own home.

I really don't know where to go from here. As I say, I'm trying to follow the usual advice of not contradicting or arguing, but if the person with dementia is uncomfortable with their falsely created situation, should I still be affirming it ?

I'm sure this can't be a unique situation. So I'm wondering how others have approached this / what others have found can work.

Thanks very much for your help!

Hi Lennard, Have you found anything that works yet? I, too, have the same problem. When I tried driving round the block it made matters worse, much worse. I find that trying to change the subject can work, continuing with my normal jobs around the house and asking mundane questions or asking him to help me with something or anything else to take their mind off their questioning can also work. My husband is ex navy (he's 82 now)and would want to know when is the ship leaving or fearing that the police might think he is skiving, and are coming to get him! One thing that seems to calm him down is when I tell him that the offices are closed right now and that we will deal with whatever tomorrow and tonight we're staying put. The following morning he would have forgotten all about it. During the 'sundowning' he not only forgets we are in our own home but also who I am and wonders how 'the heck' I'm in his accommodation. I've learnt not to explain what is real, but ask him if he minds if I stay overnight. And he agrees. It's not easy to play along and try and guess which answer would calm them down. Recently I am resorting to ' I don't know right now but will check tomorrow' which works in a lot of scenarios. Plus I give him a herbal sleeping pill and it seems to calm him and help him slide into a gradual slumber, and I get a couple of hours to myself. Best of luck.

 

[Lennard]

Hi caqqufa

I'm afraid I haven't found anything that works really. It just seems to be something I / we need to ride out and eventually it goes away. From what you and others are saying it sounds like you experience this far more often and on an ongoing basis. That must be extremely tough to live with - more than I can imagine actually.

All I can do with D is use some sort of delaying tactic such as you and others do - saying "Yes we will go home but first we need to....". It doesn't exactly "help" in that D can become increasingly impatient with me for stalling. I can only seem to wait it out until D forgets for a period.

It's really helped to hear others in similar situations, tho' as I say I can only begin to imagine what it must feel like to go thro' this for so long. I feel as tho D and I are only really scraping the surface of this condition.

Thanks again for taking time to comment.

 

[lesley1958]

Hi Lennard, Have you found anything that works yet? I, too, have the same problem. When I tried driving round the block it made matters worse, much worse. I find that trying to change the subject can work, continuing with my normal jobs around the house and asking mundane questions or asking him to help me with something or anything else to take their mind off their questioning can also work. My husband is ex navy (he's 82 now)and would want to know when is the ship leaving or fearing that the police might think he is skiving, and are coming to get him! One thing that seems to calm him down is when I tell him that the offices are closed right now and that we will deal with whatever tomorrow and tonight we're staying put. The following morning he would have forgotten all about it. During the 'sundowning' he not only forgets we are in our own home but also who I am and wonders how 'the heck' I'm in his accommodation. I've learnt not to explain what is real, but ask him if he minds if I stay overnight. And he agrees. It's not easy to play along and try and guess which answer would calm them down. Recently I am resorting to ' I don't know right now but will check tomorrow' which works in a lot of scenarios. Plus I give him a herbal sleeping pill and it seems to calm him and help him slide into a gradual slumber, and I get a couple of hours to myself. Best of luck.

Hi caqqufa

Can I ask what herbal sleeping aid you use? I have wondered about using herbal aids, rescue remedies etc etc to try to alleviate my dad's eveing agitation so would be interested in your experience?

Thanks

Lesley

 

[nae sporran]

Hi caqqufa

Can I ask what herbal sleeping aid you use? I have wondered about using herbal aids, rescue remedies etc etc to try to alleviate my dad's eveing agitation so would be interested in your experience?

Thanks

Lesley

Not tried it myself Lesley, but I'm told lavender oil on the pillow can help with relaxation and a better night's sleep. Not sure how good it is for dementia agitation, but thought I would mention it.

 

[Scarlett123]

It's really helped to hear others in similar situations, tho' as I say I can only begin to imagine what it must feel like to go thro' this for so long. I feel as tho D and I are only really scraping the surface of this condition.

Thanks again for taking time to comment.

I can only speak from my own experience, but I found that not every "symptom" was continuous, so though you may feel you're only scraping the surface, at the moment, it may well cease, or become a periodical thing.

For example, my husband once asked me, earnestly, in the middle of the night "are you with child", which I thought sounded quite Biblical. I had visions of him asking me this in queues, in supermarkets, at the GP's surgery etc, and people looking at us and sniggering, but he never mentioned it again - phew!

 

[teetoe]

... my husband once asked me, earnestly, in the middle of the night "are you with child", which I thought sounded quite Biblical.

Oh Scarlett, so wonderful to laugh, this really tickled me! It is so sweet, what a dear man he must have been! A lovely memory.

 

[Spitty]

Herbal remedy

Hi caqqufa

Can I ask what herbal sleeping aid you use? I have wondered about using herbal aids, rescue remedies etc etc to try to alleviate my dad's eveing agitation so would be interested in your experience?

Thanks

Lesley

Hi Lesley,just reading through on tp and saw your question about herbal remedies.My 86 year old mum is up 2 or 3 times a night with my dad of 86 who has Alzheimer's.She gets up to make sure he doesn't go anywhere and gets back in bed ,this is taking its toll on mum .I went to the chemist 2 weeks ago and got some one tablet a night nytol he's slept through each night except one ,when she forgot to give him a tablet .Worth a try I suppose .

 

[Scarlett123]

Oh Scarlett, so wonderful to laugh, this really tickled me! It is so sweet, what a dear man he must have been! A lovely memory.

I'm so pleased when I can make someone laugh. Although I had some horrendous times, I can look back now, and recall the funny things, that weren't meant to be funny, and have a chuckle.

So much nicer than remembering the down days.