My moms diagnosed with alzhiemers but refuses to accept it

[Henry123]

My mom is causing lots of problems firstly she's had all the tests scans etc. and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's she flatly refuses to accept this and gets very angry if anyone mentions it, the consultant has tried she is on medication.
My dad passed away 20 years ago I have always been there for her nursed her through cancer COPD etc my dad always dealt with all the financial side of things so she asked me to take over when he died. Since oct last year she has now accused me of steeling from her its been terrible my brother is now involved and he knows that what mom is saying is incorrect. she has even been to the bank accusing me she thinks I have cards to her accounts and know her pin numbers which I don't and the bank have confirmed all of this to her. I now get abusive phone calls from her so I don't answer the phone at home and its got to the stage I worry about her being outside my house when I get home from work. I used to see her every day but I hadn't seen her for weeks till this Saturday when I meet up with her with my brother and my husband at her bank, but she hasn't changed still accused me of taking her money and when I left she shouted at me down the road asking for her bank cards the next morning she rang and spoke to my husband saying she is going to the police about me. I'm quite happy if she does this but I know you cannot reason with her and I think she wouldn't believe them when they confirmed she was wrong I'm so upset about it all I'm so tired all I want to do is help her

 

[Delphie]

My situation was almost identical. My mum flatly refused to acknowledge there was anything wrong and once the accusations started they came thick and fast. I was accused of stealing all kinds of things from her, from the house she lived in to her slippers and everything in between. She too went to the bank to rant at them that I was emptying her bank account, and she threatened me with the police and court.

I'm an only child and there's no other family, nor did she have friends, so I was basically it and still had to do what I could for her, but in the end it wasn't very much. It got so bad that I'd drive all the way over to check on her (make sure she wasn't eating slimy green chicken etc) and then I'd have to come away again almost immediately because she'd start on me even before I got in the house. The fury was too much for me to take and it almost certainly wasn't good for her either, to get so worked up.

We struggled on like this for quite some time, and then she was going to be sectioned due to self-neglect so I found a wonderful care home and managed to get her to 'come on holiday with me'. Once she was in, I left, and she's been there ever since (over 3 years).

I do visit by the way! She's much nicer these days, though a lot further down the dementia road.

The only glimmer of light I can see in your situation as it is now is that your mum is on medication. There's a chance a doctor might be able to prescribe something to take the edge of her delusions and she might take it along with whatever she's on now. My mum improved massively once she was medicated, although for her that only happened once she was in care, as she wouldn't take anything while still living at home (they medicated her covertly, by putting the stuff in her drinks).

It's a truly horrible phase and my heart goes out to you.

 

[blue skies]

So sorry to hear of your plight

My mom is causing lots of problems firstly she's had all the tests scans etc. and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's she flatly refuses to accept this and gets very angry if anyone mentions it, the consultant has tried she is on medication.
My dad passed away 20 years ago I have always been there for her nursed her through cancer COPD etc my dad always dealt with all the financial side of things so she asked me to take over when he died. Since oct last year she has now accused me of steeling from her its been terrible my brother is now involved and he knows that what mom is saying is incorrect. she has even been to the bank accusing me she thinks I have cards to her accounts and know her pin numbers which I don't and the bank have confirmed all of this to her. I now get abusive phone calls from her so I don't answer the phone at home and its got to the stage I worry about her being outside my house when I get home from work. I used to see her every day but I hadn't seen her for weeks till this Saturday when I meet up with her with my brother and my husband at her bank, but she hasn't changed still accused me of taking her money and when I left she shouted at me down the road asking for her bank cards the next morning she rang and spoke to my husband saying she is going to the police about me. I'm quite happy if she does this but I know you cannot reason with her and I think she wouldn't believe them when they confirmed she was wrong I'm so upset about it all I'm so tired all I want to do is help her

So sorry to hear of your plight, its very distressing for all parties.
I have a similar situation so your not alone. My Mother who lives directly above me in a self contained flat has accused me of stealing, glasses, odd tea cups and saucers, bits of silver, cardigans, lipsticks, she now doesn't have a bank card as she was forgetting her pin number and now states that 16,000 has gone from her account, she doesn't want the bank to investigate as she would be upset to know who had taken it !!! she is forgetting that she bought a new car last year around that price.
As for her delusions/ hallucinations she has a fixation and has had for many many months of people entering my flat at night having sex, she hears them, they are rough shouting, sometimes this happens during the day when I'm at work as well, I must give them a key, what are they paying, I'm running a brothel, on and on it goes despite me stating that its not happening, my daughter (aged18) also says its not happening and we have installed CCTV, but she can hear it all so it is happening, we are all lying !!!! She will call the police, write me out of the will, and so it goes on and on.Now awaiting for her to go to the doctors under the guise of blood test and diabetes check up, they are aware of what's going on as I have seen her doctor quietly and gave her a list of her goings on. !!!!
I'm tearing my hair out, she is sharp apart from that ,yes she is forgetting names and looks for prompting but can remember the past with clarity, runs her own home with help from me as well as a small business.
5 nights out of 7 is normally the amount of disturbed sleep she goes to be at around 10pm but then is up for around 4/5 hrs pacing the bedroom floor, opening and closing drawers loud enough for me to hear, kettle on several times and the endless shouting/talking apparently to me telling me that she knows what's going on in my flat !!! Where will all this end ???? HELP

 

[Les61]

So sorry to hear of your struggle

Hi, I am so sorry to hear of your struggle. My mum has not been diagnosed with anything yet but has grown increasingly more frail and forgetful over the last year and quickly getting worse over the last few weeks. While I am there she repeats herself so many times and obviously can't remember what we talked about the day before. She is very stubborn and I think she has listened to me and I'm getting somewhere and then 10 minutes later it's as though we didn't have the conversation. I've tried to get her to see her doctor and offered to go with her but am getting nowhere. She doesn't take any tablets the doc prescribes so it's probably pretty pointless anyway. She is beginning to get very snappy now and won't listen to anyone else's point of view. I'm really worried about her but don't know where to start!

 

[john51]

I'm sorry to wade in folks, but wondered if a comment from a person with a dementia diagnosis might help?

We do refuse help and we do refuse to accept the diagnosis. What we see is what has become normal for us.

We don't want to cause problems or be a nuisance, but the damage to our brains mean that we don't see others points of view. It all takes time.

On behalf of all those who appear to be in denial and are causing problems, staying fiercly idependent, patience is appreciated

John

 

[carer13]

Gone into a care home but is extremely unhappy the whole time

My wife was diagnosed with atypical dementia/alzheimers in november 2014.
She refused and still refuses to accept anything is wrong with her she got in to a delusional state earlier this year and the CPN nurse put her into hospital because of a severe chest infection. After being in the hospital for 6 weeks she was assessed has needing constant care by the consultant. We found her a care home after checking out what was available and she has been in there two months and is still unsettled.
My problem being her husband is she reacts differently to me than our 2 adult children saying that she wants me to take her home every time I visit. I find this very distressing and feel that perhaps I should try again to care for her despite the fact that she attacked me prior to being going into hospital. I put it down to her being extremely unwell at the time. She says shes in prison refuses to have anything to do with the other residents likes the care workers dislikes most of the other residents. This puts me under pressure to make her happy and don't see her improving being there. Is there a case for moving her back home and getting regular visits from the CPN can this be financed the same as at the moment where she is paying the care home through her pension. My children are against it but I am not happy with her being in a state everytime I visit. Any suggestions?

 

[Onlyme]

If you take hee home she will be just the same, you will be coping on your own and you will return to square one.

Have you tried asking her where home is? Mum wanted to go home to her childhood home with parents and there. I ended up telling her she could go home later, after the Dr has been, when it's not raining etc. The white lies went on but it out off the evil moment.

There was one occasion when Mum was really nasty and I told her if she carried on I would leave. She was and I did. Next time I went she had a feeling she had done something nasty but obviously no idea what and apologised and we had a nice time.

 

[Les61]

I'm sorry to wade in folks, but wondered if a comment from a person with a dementia diagnosis might help?

We do refuse help and we do refuse to accept the diagnosis. What we see is what has become normal for us.

We don't want to cause problems or be a nuisance, but the damage to our brains mean that we don't see others points of view. It all takes time.

On behalf of all those who appear to be in denial and are causing problems, staying fiercly idependent, patience is appreciated

John

Thank you for the insight and advice John

Lesley.

 

[hrh]

As John has said, it's not a question of wanting to be difficult and nasty, it is they are seeking the facts as they are today, but can't find them so go searching in the past memories, suddenly someone else is in charge of their money, but why, they have lost that piece of information but the brain is so trying to reconcile the answer, so they get cross not only with you but themselves. Have a read of Oliver James book contented dementia. A brilliant insight to how a person with DM functions.

 

[Ruth S]

So sorry to hear of your struggle

Hi, I am so sorry to hear of your struggle. My mum has not been diagnosed with anything yet but has grown increasingly more frail and forgetful over the last year and quickly getting worse over the last few weeks. While I am there she repeats herself so many times and obviously can't remember what we talked about the day before. She is very stubborn and I think she has listened to me and I'm getting somewhere and then 10 minutes later it's as though we didn't have the conversation. I've tried to get her to see her doctor and offered to go with her but am getting nowhere. She doesn't take any tablets the doc prescribes so it's probably pretty pointless anyway. She is beginning to get very snappy now and won't listen to anyone else's point of view. I'm really worried about her but don't know where to start!

Yes, I had same problems with my OH, and waited till we had a physical reason to go to doctor and primed him in earlier phone call of what subject I wanted to discuss, ie my oH drivinghis car. Although he gave me an angry look he did not show off in front of the doctor and agreed to some tests. The doctor took it from there. That was 2 years ago. Now he no longer has a car or license and obviously it is all my fault, but at least other road users are safe!!

 

[Ruth S]

Gone into a care home but is extremely unhappy the whole time

My wife was diagnosed with atypical dementia/alzheimers in november 2014.
She refused and still refuses to accept anything is wrong with her she got in to a delusional state earlier this year and the CPN nurse put her into hospital because of a severe chest infection. After being in the hospital for 6 weeks she was assessed has needing constant care by the consultant. We found her a care home after checking out what was available and she has been in there two months and is still unsettled.
My problem being her husband is she reacts differently to me than our 2 adult children saying that she wants me to take her home every time I visit. I find this very distressing and feel that perhaps I should try again to care for her despite the fact that she attacked me prior to being going into hospital. I put it down to her being extremely unwell at the time. She says shes in prison refuses to have anything to do with the other residents likes the care workers dislikes most of the other residents. This puts me under pressure to make her happy and don't see her improving being there. Is there a case for moving her back home and getting regular visits from the CPN can this be financed the same as at the moment where she is paying the care home through her pension. My children are against it but I am not happy with her being in a state everytime I visit. Any suggestions?

When my father who had Alzheimer’s, had to go into a home because he was getting very aggressive with his wife, they suggested no one visit for 8 weeks to allow him to settle in. They said they found regular family visits in the early days, remind a patient of their other life/home and make it harder for them to accept this permanent c hange in their circumstances. Obviously we could phone the staff daily to check how things were. It was hard staying a way but it did seem to work. He no longer talked about returning home. Being cruel to be kind does sound heartless in these circumstances, but I thought you might find the suggestion of use.